I think I've just been banned from seeing my grandchildren!

[TiredRetired]

My parenting was different from the way my DIL is bringing up my two grandsons but that is not usually a problem. They are happy little boys.
Background; I had my 4 kids in the 1980s/1990s. I read the Continuum Concept and never looked back. We co-slept. Breastfed until natural weaning. Home educated second youngest until ready for school.
DIL was given lots of help by me to b'feed ( asked for) which she does diligently but not sure she really enjoys it. She sticks rigidly to meal & nap times which we have to come home for. I have always stuck up for her when other family members have rolled their eyes at this because they seem happy in the routine. I will occasionally get a lecture - for instance I once kept eldest out past meal time because we had stopped at a cafe. I texted not to worry about lunch but was told in no uncertain terms to come back immediately
I visited a few days ago in their new house they've just moved to. I was sleeping in the dormer bedroom opposite my 3 yr old grandson. He arrived in my room about midnight having undone his sleeping bag, climbed out of his cot and come through. It was cold in the rooms (corners often are) and his hands and feet were like ice. I know they don't like co-sleeping so I grabbed the duvet and took him downstairs to snuggle on the couch and warm him up. Just did not occur to me to put him back in his cot like that.
To cut a long story my son came through and said, I'll take him Mum. Suspected I'd done the wrong thing as he was quite short with me.
Got a lecture in the morning from DIL as though I was a small child myself and I'm afraid it went badly. After listening a bit I said "of course I'll do what you want in your house but my parenting was different to yours so it can be a bit difficult for me to know what to do here. I'm not 12 yrs old and I've brought up 4 kids. Can I not be the Grandma that's a bit different because after all, you're the biggest influence on them ( that's a precis of my side of it)
She was really angry and said she can't see how I can continue to visit and she doesn't know what else she has to do...
You get the picture?
I am heartbroken. Don't know at the moment now to fix this. I apologised and said of course in your house, your rules but there's something broken now

I think its because OP mentioned that the parents don't want to co-sleep in bed so people thought she'dtaken him to the sofa to co-sleep instead.

If the child had cold hands and feet, why couldn't she just find a pair of socks and a blanket for him.

It's not your place to point out that her own preference for sticking to nap and meal times is isolating. As a toddler-Mum myself, a comment like that would make me feel even more isolated - feelings your DIL will already have, that you're validating.

I'd suspect any ill feeling your DIL has been more likely triggered by the cultiminatuon of comments like this, rather than the sleep thing alone. Although let's face it, taking a child out of their sleep space and downstairs in the middle of the night is never going to be helpful to a tired parents who've spent three years working on sleep...

This is definitely what I should have done. Son said he would have dealt with it. I suppose I was just trying to give them a good night's sleep

Yeah but she said the was in a 'befuddled state' - she carried the 3yr old down stairs (what if she had fallen while in that state?) plus she could have fallen asleep on the sofa with him which we can all agree is dangerous. Co-sleeping aside, it's likely that DIL would have rules surrounding the children's sleep including what happens if they wake and I'm guessing those rules didn't include taking the children downstairs in the middle of the night.

He's 3 so I doubt he is in school yet! He was unlikely to sleep as he was cold!

Well he’s obviously not sleeping anyway as he’s too cold ( as his parents think at blanket at age 3 is dangerous! )

So he goes to nanny to get warmed up. I can’t believe that’s the first time he’s been cold it would be too much of a coincidence so clearly M&D aren’t exactly solving his problem……hey…..maybe nanny might!
Clever kid!

Their bedroom is downstairs. I was trying to let them get an uninterrupted nights sleep. They also have a 7 month old

OP, your DIL has created a huge fuss about nothing. There surely are worse GP crimes than taking a child downstairs for a cuddle in the night! Maybe that's annoying to the parents, but the resultant fall-out is so far beyond the crime that I can only conclude that your DIL is selfish and controlling.

It's become the in thing for the middle-aged to cut off their ageing parents, and I think it's a disgusting trend. We've got one like that in our family, and having watched her cause terrible pain to ill and aging seniors, I have strong opinions about it.

I hope all who are so mean to the GPs know what it's like to be on the receiving end of that one day. Yes, ILs can be massively irritating, but the kneejerk response to cut them off is horrendous. GPs are very important to children, and those children won't thank the parents when they're older for keeping their grandparents away from them.

I'm of an age where my parents are gone and where I've seen how quickly people 60-plus can die or develop serious illnesses, and how many people that happens to. I'm sorry they don't value you more, OP. They sound immature and as if they haven't realised some basic truths about life: that it's short and that people are precious, and that you can complain about people's bad points or you can luxuriate in their good ones, and that it's a choice.

I'd stay away for a bit, if I were you. Try to spend time with people who value you more instead of seeing you as a massive pain, as they obviously do right now.

We keep saying the same thing……you’re much quicker than me though 🤣🤣🤣 and I do rant !

I suppose I think she sometimes doesn't do herself any favours as the rigidity of meal and nap times isolate her from other Mums and their support. Any effort I make to point this out though ( I try to be subtle) gets interpreted as criticism of as you say, over riding or invalidating her.

Sounds like she's sussed you out, OP.

I did routine though and in hindsight I did isolate myself from others in order to stick to it.

The child was awake and cold???

I had been woken up. Cosleeping isn't something they do and I was worried if I popped him into bed with me, we would both go back to sleep (best so!ution imo) but I'd have definitely broken the rules then!

Given that they also have a 7 month old, you were just trying to be helpful. Don't. Leave them to it. Maybe they will discover gratitude, maybe they won't.

Sounds like the pair of them need to grow the fuck up!

Blimey OP
you seem to be walking on egg shells all the time.

Can I suggest you take a break from them for a little while, arrange a visit but give yourself time to de stress.

Sleep is personal, challenging and hands down the hardest part about being a parent. Changing a child's routine, even as a one off, has impacts on future sleep. But as per my post - I really doubt this aspect of the OP's story is the crux of the issue.

She didn't "get caught". The parents found them downstairs when they finally managed to wake up, sometime after their 3 year old had climbed out of his cot and started wandering around the house.

Each generation has its own approach to parenting. I think you can respect their choices and just focus on spending time playing with the kids.

Maybe they heard them on the stairs. The parents sleep downstairs.

Well no child is going to sleep when they're cold!! I disagree that sleep is the hardest part of being a parent too, but then I co-slept which seems to be anathema on here!

It's probably a good thing that the child's grandmother was there, or god knows what he might have got up to!

You’re not alone
Me plus hundreds of years of our ancestors!

Maybe. Doesn't change the fact that the 3 year old left his room and went to another, normally unoccupied, room without them noticing.

No no, big pro co-sleeper here. DD is in m my bed right now :-) Snuggling up next to a very small child is a wonderful, intimate experience - but frankly it doesn't sound from this thread like the OP has enough of a relationship with her DS, DIL nor DGC for that to be acceptable (sofa, bed, or otherwise).

Right.
Let them all do one I’m off to bed ( so you’re on your own )it’s 13degrees in this house and my grandmothers have passed away so no one to treat me when I’m feeling cold and everyone else is asleep!

Hope you get some sleep too @TiredRetired !