I think I've just been banned from seeing my grandchildren!

[TiredRetired]

My parenting was different from the way my DIL is bringing up my two grandsons but that is not usually a problem. They are happy little boys.
Background; I had my 4 kids in the 1980s/1990s. I read the Continuum Concept and never looked back. We co-slept. Breastfed until natural weaning. Home educated second youngest until ready for school.
DIL was given lots of help by me to b'feed ( asked for) which she does diligently but not sure she really enjoys it. She sticks rigidly to meal & nap times which we have to come home for. I have always stuck up for her when other family members have rolled their eyes at this because they seem happy in the routine. I will occasionally get a lecture - for instance I once kept eldest out past meal time because we had stopped at a cafe. I texted not to worry about lunch but was told in no uncertain terms to come back immediately
I visited a few days ago in their new house they've just moved to. I was sleeping in the dormer bedroom opposite my 3 yr old grandson. He arrived in my room about midnight having undone his sleeping bag, climbed out of his cot and come through. It was cold in the rooms (corners often are) and his hands and feet were like ice. I know they don't like co-sleeping so I grabbed the duvet and took him downstairs to snuggle on the couch and warm him up. Just did not occur to me to put him back in his cot like that.
To cut a long story my son came through and said, I'll take him Mum. Suspected I'd done the wrong thing as he was quite short with me.
Got a lecture in the morning from DIL as though I was a small child myself and I'm afraid it went badly. After listening a bit I said "of course I'll do what you want in your house but my parenting was different to yours so it can be a bit difficult for me to know what to do here. I'm not 12 yrs old and I've brought up 4 kids. Can I not be the Grandma that's a bit different because after all, you're the biggest influence on them ( that's a precis of my side of it)
She was really angry and said she can't see how I can continue to visit and she doesn't know what else she has to do...
You get the picture?
I am heartbroken. Don't know at the moment now to fix this. I apologised and said of course in your house, your rules but there's something broken now

So rules can't be broken?? Was she meant to wake the parents up because their kid was freezing cold, then she'd be the worst in the world!!

The OP was a grandmother staying in the house, who was clearly deemed ok to do things like take the grandson out on her own. She's clearly experienced with kids. This is a closer relationship than a paid caregiver who has mainly a professional, friendly interest in the child.

She is the one the gs wandered into at night, so she was the person who was going to take immediate action. Even if it was to wake the parents.

But waking the parents would have been a bizarre choice, why wake up two other adults? If he'd been warm, she;' have put him back to bed which would presumably be fine. Warming him up and putting him back to bed when she was worried he was too cold is a totally reasonable response as well.

The room that the child went into was where the father usually sleeps.

I am not saying she is shitty. Though it is possible, she is showing a kind of rigidity that can lead to shitty parenting in some cases, as time goes on.

What I am saying that a lot of people on this thread are talking about grandmothers who were shitty mums, so of course the parents don't trust her. And implying this is the issue with the OP.

But that is a two edged sword. Yes, some mums are shitty. So it is also possible that the DIL, in this case, is shitty, and the OP is not.

The existence of shitty mums could apply to the OP, but it could also apply to the DIL.

All the evidence from the OPs posts is that it doesn't apply to either.

People are just assuming it must apply to the OP because they have this assumption the mum is always right (Except when she is now a grandmother.)

This is about regimented routines that can't be broken.

The ‘routine that can’t be broken’ here is the OPs NOT the DIL. OP who wants the routine of popping into cafes and keeping the DGC out for longer than agreed. Of not putting DGC back to bed but insist it is better to take him downstairs. Of insisting that is it better to nap in a pram. And says she will only follow DIL routine in her house and only reluctantly there as DIL should accept OPs routine and way of doing things.

So you think that she should have gone and woken up the parents?

I think most people would not have preferred that, it's actually quite an unusual way of thinking for parents. It's not odd the OP would not have expected that.

Good grief. No one said the op or the dil were shitty. Simply I commented in response to your rather silly the vast majority of grandmothers are all fab comment to point out that was utter nonsense.

there is nothing to indicate this woman is a shitty parent, in fact the opposite she seems a very hands on dedicated one. And she’s the right to parent as she feels best for her children.she isn’t short changing them as you attacked and said, she’s not shitty as you alluded to and there is nothing to indicate she will become shitty,

she has every right to parent the way she feels is right for her own children and she’s every right to put boundaries in place when someone refuses to accept that.

If parenting styles clash - it’s much easier to meet out and about on day trips. Staying overnight and being around at bed times and bath times can really draw out conflicts in parenting styles. We just see my in-laws in the day time as they’re too rigid for my liking and full of criticism about why we should let our babies cry it out and have a much stricter bedtime routine.

@TiredRetired can I suggest you name change and come back, post your story again but without all the details?

I suspect you'll get a million and one "reverse?" or requests for more information, but them's the breaks - either you give the info and people make wile accusations based on two or three examples, or you don't and are then accused of withholding info and then drip feeding.

You can't win.

Just so you know, grandparents in my house were treated like doting grandparents, not like strange visitors who had to adhere to every single rule and regulation to keep to a schedule. Advice from older women who had raised their children successfully was accepted - maybe not gratefully, certainly gracefully - and either adopted or not. Repeated advices would have been politely rebuffed.

Despite one person thinking that me disagreeing with her - completely irrelevant personal story - means I'm addressing her; I stand by my initial review of this thread: I feel sorry for a lot of you who make life so much more difficult by not relaxing a shred.

You are still not getting the point.

Lots of people on the thread have said some grandmothers were shitty mums, and that accounts for mistrust from parents.

But if lots of grandparents were shitty mums, so were lots of mums.

It's a silly argument because it could equally apply to the OP or the daughter (or neither).

If you think neither the DIL or OP is shitty, which I would tend to agree with, than it's really nothing to do with this scenario. But multiple people on the thread have made that comment.

Think that's probably true with first child ( cringe) but believe me I've grown out of being like that. It's all a balance isn't it? I'm not daft, I'm 67 and perfectly understand that people who didn't do what I did also raised happy healthy well balanced kids. Depends on so many things. What worked for one child wasn't right for another. We learn!
It's hard work and I'm sure we take and adapt from many sources.

Until this thread, I'd never heard of the Continuum Concept... but then tbf I didn't really read any parenting manuals - it was all Gina Ford and Baby Whisperer! I just made it up as I went along really! I think you have to trust your own instincts.

Sounds crap, but I think grandparents need to remember that parents hold all the power. We need to be the ones to bend, in order to maintain good relationships.

Your DIL sounds a bit rigid and uptight about rules. I was a bit like that and now realise I was getting hung up on silly things that didn’t matter if they weren’t done in a certain way all the time. I think it was because I was quite stressed and overwhelmed at the time and it somehow made me feel a bit more in control of things. Although I don’t know what the answer is as suggesting that to her will probably annoy her more. Probably just go along with exactly how she does things at her house and do things your way when you get your grandkids on your own. Hopefully she will become less rigid eventually.

@letthemalldoone

I don't think that is being a lovely granny.

I don't think you take another woman's kid in the nighttime unless it's been Ok'd by the mother.
A lovely granny shows respect and grace to their grandchild's parents, even if they disagree.
There's obviously a history of the OP crossing boundaries and letting her judgement show. It sounds like the she's been rubbing them up the wrong way for some time.

You repeatedly say that you're not judging or criticising your DIL and then go on to say things that are critical or judgemental. I just don't believe that it "never occurred to you" to put your GS back to bed and that taking him downstairs and snuggling up on the sofa with him genuinely seemed like the better option. Whatever your parenting beliefs it must have been obvious that that would go down like a cup of cold sick, but you chose to do it anyway and then expect us to believe that you're not engaged in undermining her in any way, oh no.

Are you the same MIL who posted about giving your "hardworking" son some money to congratulate him on being such a great parent and was then outraged that he shared it with his wife, even though you love her and she's so lovely and you're so close and you would absolutely never want her to think you don't think she's equally fabulous and hardworking? Because you sound the same.

Well, I had six colicky babies! 😂

Cry it out. What a horrible concept. A babies only way of communicating & letting parents know there is something wrong is by crying.

I am hungry = crying.
I am in pain with teething = crying.
I have colic= crying.
My nappy is wet = crying.
My nappy is soiled = crying
I am too cold = crying
I am too hot = crying
I have a virus = crying
I have had a bad dream = crying
I am generally uncomfortable = crying

Just let them cry it out. They will eventually fall asleep with one or even all of the above. Whoever suggested this lazy parenting technique needs to think again.

Christ, The Baby Whisperer. Is that the one where you had to categorise your newborn into:
Angel baby
Textbook baby
Total fucking nightmare

Sadly my newborn didn’t seem to have read the book as closely as I had 😔

True. Parents who ‘need’ GP help to raise their kids tend to be a bit hopeless with organisation etc anyway - if anything their routines need to break to be more useful.

No idea lol - never read it but I remember seeing people online referring to it.

Perhaps she’s tense because her MIL is in the room watching her like a hawk to make sure she’s enjoying the experience 😂

"The olden days" 😂 Why do so many people on here think everyone from older generations were battered? I'm 50 and my parents didn't batter me, it wasn't every single parent who thrashed their children. You sound very young and patronising.

But it's not just "another woman's kid" - it's her son's son! You make it sound like she kidnapped some random child under the cover of darkness! She probably felt she was doing a good thing by not disturbing them?! I bet if she had woken them, that would have been wrong too. The woman can't do right for doing wrong. And yes, she does need to follow her son and DIL's methods but omg we are all human and we all have our own opinion!

How on earth is trying to warm a cold child up NOT "showing respect and grace"? The son and DIL have shown none of that to his mother!

I think stepping back a little is a good idea so long as you don't come across as sulking.
Also, you say you only give advice when asked but often people don't really want to be told what someone else thinks they should do. So when your DiL says the NCT event will clash with nap time, you could agree how nice it would be for her to meet up with the other parents. Then ask if she has any ideas about moving nap time slightly, will baby sleep in the buggy or car etc?