I think I've just been banned from seeing my grandchildren!

[TiredRetired]

My parenting was different from the way my DIL is bringing up my two grandsons but that is not usually a problem. They are happy little boys.
Background; I had my 4 kids in the 1980s/1990s. I read the Continuum Concept and never looked back. We co-slept. Breastfed until natural weaning. Home educated second youngest until ready for school.
DIL was given lots of help by me to b'feed ( asked for) which she does diligently but not sure she really enjoys it. She sticks rigidly to meal & nap times which we have to come home for. I have always stuck up for her when other family members have rolled their eyes at this because they seem happy in the routine. I will occasionally get a lecture - for instance I once kept eldest out past meal time because we had stopped at a cafe. I texted not to worry about lunch but was told in no uncertain terms to come back immediately
I visited a few days ago in their new house they've just moved to. I was sleeping in the dormer bedroom opposite my 3 yr old grandson. He arrived in my room about midnight having undone his sleeping bag, climbed out of his cot and come through. It was cold in the rooms (corners often are) and his hands and feet were like ice. I know they don't like co-sleeping so I grabbed the duvet and took him downstairs to snuggle on the couch and warm him up. Just did not occur to me to put him back in his cot like that.
To cut a long story my son came through and said, I'll take him Mum. Suspected I'd done the wrong thing as he was quite short with me.
Got a lecture in the morning from DIL as though I was a small child myself and I'm afraid it went badly. After listening a bit I said "of course I'll do what you want in your house but my parenting was different to yours so it can be a bit difficult for me to know what to do here. I'm not 12 yrs old and I've brought up 4 kids. Can I not be the Grandma that's a bit different because after all, you're the biggest influence on them ( that's a precis of my side of it)
She was really angry and said she can't see how I can continue to visit and she doesn't know what else she has to do...
You get the picture?
I am heartbroken. Don't know at the moment now to fix this. I apologised and said of course in your house, your rules but there's something broken now

And to whom the child came in the middle of the night because they were cold. If the OP had woken up her son or DiL to deal with the situation I doubt the response would have been much different. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

Nice post @Dutch1e.

I wouldn't want my mil taking my child off in the middle of the night to sleep with. Surely you just wake the parents and let them deal with him. You're a grandparent, not a third parent.
I don't actually think it's got anything to do with parenting style. I'm a breast feeding, pro co sleeping, sling wearing, no screens type parent but I still wouldn't want my mother in law playing at being mommy in the middle of the night.

Sure, but when some unusual situation crops up, presumably you deal with it.

Mum likes a nap for dgs at 2 pm. Construction begun next door is making a huge disturbing noise and he can't sleep. So you take a walk at the park in the pram instead in hopes he might nod off. Which may or may not work, them's the breaks.

Usual lunch gets eaten by the dog, so you substitute something else.

Gs wakes up unexpectedly and is cold.

There is a difference between expecting that a caregiver can find a safe appropriate solution to these kinds of scenarios, and expecting that it will always be the same solution you would have come up with or preferred.

The kind of rigidity the OPs son and DIL are showing is really unhealthy, it seems to indicate a belief that there is only one appropriate thing in every instance (which is objectively untrue and is only going to create anxiety in themselves), and that somehow only mind-readers can be in a position of responsibility with their kids, even ones that they know really love them and have their best interests at heart.

There is nothing to indicate this woman is a shitty mum. She knows her child best and if routines work for them, with a 3 year old and a 7 month old who are you to cast judgement on her.

I can see it from both your perspectives but really ONLY mums who breastfeed are safe to cosleep nobody else as they will instinctively wake to ensure baby’s safe / breathing.

Emergency childcare from 200 miles away?

Grandma rules in grandma's house are fine for eg chocolate breakfast cereal and later bedtimes for older children.

However in my own house trying to help a toddler adjust to a new baby and a new house then wanting to keep routine at night is not unreasonable - its survival. Thank gods both sets of our parents understood that and didn't indulge in middle of the night games rather than tuck back to bed with a pat on the head.

Why are you saying she's a shitty mum? OP said she's a good mum. Do you know something OP doesn't?

Thankfully my professional dil who works 2 days a week leaves me to get on with it. She trusts me enough in the knowledge I will love & care for them properly. As long as they come to no harm she's happy. To the poster who objected to Grandparents having a 'snuggle' Try telling that to mine who have jumped on my knee for a snuggle since the moment they could & with no encouragement. How sad for children who are not allowed or encouraged to have a cuddle with their Grandparents.

Yes it’s very telling a child that young went to the dgm he only sees on video calls when he woke up instead of his parents. Children that age can get lost when a new baby arrives. I imagine mum / dad would have yelled (or worse) if this is how they reacted to OP

The caregiver here is the parent. If the scenario was that the parents had left OP in sole charge overnight and were not on the premises then I agree it would be up to grandma to decide what to do. However that isn't the case here

I think we're confusing can and shouldn't. No one should be disrespectful. However the poster is making the point that there's no court of law to address this in, an apology can't be forced etc.. if you're a grandparent that doesn't for example babysit or contribute financially you have little leverage (whether right or wrong).

He went to the bedroom where his dad usually sleeps. I severely doubt he was looking for op.

The DIL has the power? Why are we always blaming women? In this particular case, the relationship between OP and her son is not the most stable and best ever, so why don’t we blame him?!

Oh god, my parents would never have done anything like that! They were very safety conscious.

Maybe they just didn't bother to find out?

It’s stressful being a parent and more so if you expect to be able to do it right (whatever that is?) 100% of the time

The posts I’m reading about PIL or adults other than parents undermining parents and not following their rules give me the impression of anxiety and insecurity from parents that they are being judged and potentially not raising their children well.

We often hear (and agree with) the adage “children don’t come with an instruction manual “ and the well meaning actions of others are usually driven by what worked for them when they were figuring it out.

Tere is no right or wrong way to do it. You can usually undo it if you wish, or learn from it. Others do things differently and it’s not the end of the world and you can mostly get over it while remaining on good terms.

Are you reading a different thread? This isn't about a daytime cuddle or a grandma that looks after her grandchild while parents aren't there, or even sees them on a regular basis

Yeah. My grandmothers and grandfather were both mixed as parents. Like many of us, imperfect, and one grandmother in particular struggled as a mother.

My other grandfather was horrific as a father.

They were all grandparents who I, and my siblings, had really positive relationships with. In fact my grandfather who was the terrible father was so differernt as a grandfather his kids were shocked, and he was, of everyone in my childhood, the one who really encouraged me to pursue my talents. He gave me my first book of poetry which has meant so much to me.

But - as far as my post, I wasn't really suggesting a grandmother who had been a bad mother. There are grandmothers who were great mums, but the mother of their grandchildren may be struggling, or even abusive.

No reason to think the OPs DIL is abusive, clearly, but this idea that a mum is always in the right and the MIL is not is just not accurate.

Yes it tells you that it was the nearest door and possibly the nearest adult for night time fun and games.

My eldest would have done exactly the same - fortunately both DP and DPiL would say "there there, back to bed" as both knew the hell of a toddler wanting playtime at night.

What is it lately about threads in controlling daughter in laws and weak sons, my mam did lots of things with the kids I didn't approve off but she was my mam and I loved her, and wish now as she is gone that I didn't kick up a fuss now and again, same with mother in law, if I told some of you some of the stuff she did witb the kids you would be on here telling me to cut contact, she's also gone now and guess what, all the memories the kids have are all of things they got from the nanas, sweets that would rot their teeth, staying up past bedtime, praising them when i was giving out to them, what I wouldn't do to have them still in my life. You did nothing wrong, you were being a grandma xx

This isn't a member of staff. This is the little boy's grandmother!!

You mentioned tense relationship with your son and I wonder if your difficulty is really with your DS not DIL. What's your relationship with your son like now? I also find both your and your DIL's approaches somewhat inflexible (as in it's all attachment or all boundaries), but this is perhaps my own would be somewhere in the middle..

No answers here - but my instinct would be the real issue is perhaps somewhere else.

She went too far, Jesus christ, I feel sorry for your mother and mother in law😄

She wasn't "playing at" anything. She was being a loving granny!

To play devil's advocate, you can really only have a situation where you can relax when your MIL comes if you're not rigid about MIL doing every single thing the way you want.

DIL also needs to chill a bit and stop being so inflexible and rigid, getting upset because Grandma took the kids out and they are a bit late for lunch is ridiculous. Unfortunately when you're so rigid it's hard to relax because you're constantly trying to see what happening to assess if it's being done your way or not. Maybe there history between them that she doesn't trust OP.

If you need you're parents or inlaws helo with your kids you need to recognize that not everything will be done exactly how you like or want it. I'm not saying they should be doing things that are so extremely different but ok she took the child to cuddle downstairs yeah not ideal but does that really need a stern talking to?

Going downstairs to cuddle with Grandma for a while in a new house when the child woke up after being very cold will not suddenly turn the child's life upside down or cause permanent damage. She needs to chill.

OP also needs to step back and let them be. See them when you see them, keep calling her grandchildren and seeing them when she can but leave the care and parenting to them. It's seems we no longer need a village to raise a child.