I think I've just been banned from seeing my grandchildren!

[TiredRetired]

My parenting was different from the way my DIL is bringing up my two grandsons but that is not usually a problem. They are happy little boys.
Background; I had my 4 kids in the 1980s/1990s. I read the Continuum Concept and never looked back. We co-slept. Breastfed until natural weaning. Home educated second youngest until ready for school.
DIL was given lots of help by me to b'feed ( asked for) which she does diligently but not sure she really enjoys it. She sticks rigidly to meal & nap times which we have to come home for. I have always stuck up for her when other family members have rolled their eyes at this because they seem happy in the routine. I will occasionally get a lecture - for instance I once kept eldest out past meal time because we had stopped at a cafe. I texted not to worry about lunch but was told in no uncertain terms to come back immediately
I visited a few days ago in their new house they've just moved to. I was sleeping in the dormer bedroom opposite my 3 yr old grandson. He arrived in my room about midnight having undone his sleeping bag, climbed out of his cot and come through. It was cold in the rooms (corners often are) and his hands and feet were like ice. I know they don't like co-sleeping so I grabbed the duvet and took him downstairs to snuggle on the couch and warm him up. Just did not occur to me to put him back in his cot like that.
To cut a long story my son came through and said, I'll take him Mum. Suspected I'd done the wrong thing as he was quite short with me.
Got a lecture in the morning from DIL as though I was a small child myself and I'm afraid it went badly. After listening a bit I said "of course I'll do what you want in your house but my parenting was different to yours so it can be a bit difficult for me to know what to do here. I'm not 12 yrs old and I've brought up 4 kids. Can I not be the Grandma that's a bit different because after all, you're the biggest influence on them ( that's a precis of my side of it)
She was really angry and said she can't see how I can continue to visit and she doesn't know what else she has to do...
You get the picture?
I am heartbroken. Don't know at the moment now to fix this. I apologised and said of course in your house, your rules but there's something broken now

OMG. It just gets worse!!!! God I do so hope you never meet my son!!!!

Has your son painted a picture of you to his wife that is colouring her view of you? Where you think you are helpful and engaging she, and he by the way, feel stifled and annoyed due to unresolved issues.

Additionally, does DIL feel close enough to you to trust you as part of her circle? Perhaps that's why everything is seen as criticism as well. I know I wouldn't take kindly to my mother let alone my MIL saying stuff about how I was parenting. My mil hasn't even met my son so I'm lucky there but my mother and I have had some arguments over how to parent and it stems from my past and my general stubbornness.

Step back and I mean back and offer a sincere apology to them both and toe the line going forward. Their child their rules after all.

Well the OP seems pretty fixated on her DIL's breastfeeding journey so it wouldn't surprise me. After all, her DIL is doing at all wrong apparently.

The OP is giving some uncomfortable vibes. I wouldn't warm up someone else's child, get the parent and tell them you think the child is cold and the parent can decide how best to proceed.

It is not a grandparents place to do that. OPs DS or DIL would clearly prefer their child put back to bed in the warm sleeping bag they took of which led to them getting cold, rather than thinking it was a fun idea to go downstairs to play at night - which would in future also be unsupervised ‘fun’.

What? Why would I meet your son?

I don't understand the context of that response.

Thank you so much for your kind consideration, but I am quite ok. Maybe you should take that walk?? I can take this however I wish - and I know bollocks when I see it.

Good choice. Best to step back and let the next generation have their turn.

You could be helpful by making meals for Daughter/daughter in law so she doesn't have to think of these things and offering baby sitting duties (but do it their way) ( my mother in law tried to be helpful and decided to use my baby bottle brush to clean a bucket, she justified it by saying she would clean the bottle brush afterwards with Milton).

You'd be exactly the type of DIL I don't need lol!

I'm already married so you don't need to worry about me!

TG for that!!!

Worried about the apron strings holding?

So true. Some posters appear to view Grandparents as the devil incarnate when in actual fact it's proven to be one of the most important relationships a child can benefit from. Thankfully the vast majority of Grandparents do love & care for their Grandchildren & it's appreciated.

She was leaving the parents to sleep in peace. I think that was considerate. But hell would freeze over before I'd try to help again. Fun things only! (with full written permission, of course!!)

Unfortunately, it's not your choice..

I think it sounds like you’ve got the best of intentions and that your DIL and son are doing what they feel is best. In the interests of moving on and continuing to build a loving relationship with them and your grandkids, I’d let them know that you are gutted that you’ve upset them, you think they’re doing a wonderful job raising their children and you hope you can move on as a family. I wouldn’t be doing things like staying at a hotel etc, don’t turn this into a bigger issue than it needs to be.

If you knew me, you would know that's never going to be an issue rofl.

Nah, I just don't fancy some jumped up madam giving me a bollocking when I was only trying to help, that's all. I'd like one with some manners please.

But that wasn't her choice to make?? What don't you understand about that? I would far prefer to be woken up so I could make an informed choice about what to do with MY child.

No one needs to be defensive here. Plenty of shit parents out there so clearly plenty of shit grandparents. So no id not say the vast majority.

And it’s not beneficial for a child if a parent has one set of rules and a grandparent another, it’s confusing for the child and unsettling. Consistency is key at this age, and it is not beneficial either when a grandparent causes discord in the home.

Unfortunately not but hopefully he's been brought up not to entertain this sort of behaviour. I would be so upset if he legged it elsewhere while his wife chewed the arse off me.

I never in my life spoke to my MIL that way and jesus was she annoying!! I treated her with respect as my husband's mother whom he loved!

Jumped up madam 😂 my God, you are going to be a horrendous MIL.

Maybe you would. I like my sleep!!! And all the more so if I was breastfeeding a 7 month old! My MIL never helped with our kids so it wasn't a position I would ever have been in!

Absolutely "jumped up madam" - how dare she speak to her MIL like that? If anything, her son should have raised it with his mother, and discussed it like actual adults!

I will be a wonderful MIL. No need for you to concern yourself.

What I would give for you as my MIL!!

You sound very similar to me OP in how you raised your DC right down to the breastfeeding until natural wean and home education. I'm glad I won't ever have any DILs to have this battle with!

I think all you can do is apologise, make it clear you didn't mean any harm and that seeing your grandchildren regularly means the world to you.

Your Grandchildren are lucky to have you in their lives. I hope the DIL can see that and stop being ridiculous.

Do you not realise how controlling & manipulative that sounds? Provided the in-laws weren't racking up lines on the coffee table, leaving the front door open, slack with allergens etc I really cannot fathom where you're coming from.

Pretty much was that.

Feeding DD1 food she was allergic too after DH had said no and why - because they didn't believe in allergies - luckily DD1 was just immediately sick.

We moved house with toddler and very young baby and they insisted on visiting weekend after we went out for a meal MIL took a minute to disappear off with eldest and encouraged her to take thing off shelves without paying and out of shop area to us - as it was cute - and no one would mind - FIL has words about that with her- we had weeks of stopping DD1 grabbing things she liked when out. Another point in time less of an issue - unhelpful - but that moment felt deliberate as who would do that - even FIL was annoyed,.

Immediately DH or I said something - undermining us ie we are going home from park in 5 minutes oh you don't have to to kids so kids not wanting to leave but in those 5 minutes IL decided they were cold and were leaving and then shouting at kids because they won't leave and us for bad parenting.

We had rules and boundaries to keep everyone safe and to make life more pleasant for and if speaking didn't change IL behavior then we didn't see them as often as it was stressful and hard work - natural consequence of their behavior.

I don't think Op sounds as bad from cuddling on a sofa - but IL would try and paint their actions as innocent as possible and frankly a lot of the time is was culmination of many little things rather than massive overstep that caused friction.

OP has no power to change how her Son and DIL parent their children or how they behave just how she responds to them and the situations.

Being more mindful of their rules ( and hoping they relax with time and as their stress reduces) and trying harder to not come across as judgemental will get her further than digging in and insisting she was right.