I think I've just been banned from seeing my grandchildren!

[TiredRetired]

My parenting was different from the way my DIL is bringing up my two grandsons but that is not usually a problem. They are happy little boys.
Background; I had my 4 kids in the 1980s/1990s. I read the Continuum Concept and never looked back. We co-slept. Breastfed until natural weaning. Home educated second youngest until ready for school.
DIL was given lots of help by me to b'feed ( asked for) which she does diligently but not sure she really enjoys it. She sticks rigidly to meal & nap times which we have to come home for. I have always stuck up for her when other family members have rolled their eyes at this because they seem happy in the routine. I will occasionally get a lecture - for instance I once kept eldest out past meal time because we had stopped at a cafe. I texted not to worry about lunch but was told in no uncertain terms to come back immediately
I visited a few days ago in their new house they've just moved to. I was sleeping in the dormer bedroom opposite my 3 yr old grandson. He arrived in my room about midnight having undone his sleeping bag, climbed out of his cot and come through. It was cold in the rooms (corners often are) and his hands and feet were like ice. I know they don't like co-sleeping so I grabbed the duvet and took him downstairs to snuggle on the couch and warm him up. Just did not occur to me to put him back in his cot like that.
To cut a long story my son came through and said, I'll take him Mum. Suspected I'd done the wrong thing as he was quite short with me.
Got a lecture in the morning from DIL as though I was a small child myself and I'm afraid it went badly. After listening a bit I said "of course I'll do what you want in your house but my parenting was different to yours so it can be a bit difficult for me to know what to do here. I'm not 12 yrs old and I've brought up 4 kids. Can I not be the Grandma that's a bit different because after all, you're the biggest influence on them ( that's a precis of my side of it)
She was really angry and said she can't see how I can continue to visit and she doesn't know what else she has to do...
You get the picture?
I am heartbroken. Don't know at the moment now to fix this. I apologised and said of course in your house, your rules but there's something broken now

I parent like you and I honestly wouldn't have thought about putting him back into bed, he'd have come straight in with me- even if he hadn't been cold. I think your daughter in law seems very rigid- I parent different to my in-laws and I don't expect them to do everything the same as me either they have their own relationship with my kids.

The amount of thanks I have I had for my comments suggest that a lot of people agree with me.

The OP is trying to insert herself where she isn't wanted. Her DIL has been clear about her boundaries and OP has violated them (more than once it seems from her other posts)

MILs that continously undermine their DILs in this manner come across as creepy. It's like they want to be the mum again.

DIL is in her first year postpartum, with a second baby – in some ways easier because you’ve done it before, in many ways harder because you’ve got to balance the needs of two and can’t always get it right – with two under five, at least one of which wakes at night, having just moved house (one of the most stressful things you can do, aside from… have a baby!), with a MIL who rides roughshod over routines and behaves like an exam invigilator when she’s breastfeeding. She might have overreacted to what OP did but anyone might, in those circumstances.

Of course the 3 year old was cold – he’d taken his sleeping bag off! All it needed was OP to put it back on him. Taking him downstairs is such a “Why?!” response – it’s not likely to be any warmer, but it is likely to delay going back to sleep because it’s a magical midnight adventure.

I read The Continuum Concept when I was pregnant and I enjoyed learning about family life for the Indigenous Amazonian people group all the recommendations are taken from, and I adapted the things that I thought might work for me.
But the parents I know who really believe in the Continuum Concept approach are true believers in an almost religious sense. There is absolutely no room for doing anything different to the Continuum way, and certainly no sense that figuring out what works will be different for different mums and diferent bubs. The best way of doing everything has already been discovered, so there's nothing for new parents to figure out. Just follow what the Continum Concept says.
I even felt the need to pretend I was parenting differently than I actually was with one friend who is a Continuum Concept follower. It's ridiculous to think of now, she's a dear friend and a wonderful woman, but the belief in Continum Concept is very intense in people who follow it.

It's not much comfort now, I guess, but she's the mother of sons. She's got all this to come with her own future daughters in law and grandkids.

Absolute rubbish. The best thing about being a Grandparent is loving them & being able to hand them back. I love my young Grandchildren as much as I love my own children. You will find the vast majority of Grandparents feel the same but there is no way they would wish to be mum or dad again. The sad thing is many children are denied the experience of having doting grandparents due to the possesive nature of their parents who can't stand the idea of them being able to love others as well as themselves. I was grateful for the love & support of both my parents & my in- laws & my children absolutely loved them all until the end.

So true.
My mil could be annoying but I never once thought about banning her.
No normal person bans a grandparent unless they consistently undermine the parents or put the dc at risk.
I don't think op has done either of these things.

YANBU

She needs the rod surgically removed from her arse.

You can't help yourself. Your ways the best way and everything dil does is wrong. You can see that from your post

I read the Contiuum Concept, too!

OP, i hear you. Busy yourself, don't dwell. Know that for me (67) you were almost perfect. I'd have let the toddler climb into the cosy bed with me. I have no idea why anyone would make a toddler sleep alone - it's cruel.

I mean you sound much more up my street op so I’d have been inclined to agree with you . It sounds like they felt you had overstepped though and do you think you general beliefs about how they parent is coming out somehow? Also is it both of them? Did your son not like how he was parented? (Not any insult to you - no one is perfect and people have strong views some times!)

All you can do is apologise and explain why you did what you did.

I also think you sound like a lovely grandma and it seems a shame your son wants to do things so differently!

I don't think this about EVERY grandparents. I think this about the very specific type of grandmother who wants to over assert herself in her grandchildren's life and steamroller over parental boundaries. This lady is a shining example of that.

Can people really bot see the issue with someone who is not the child's parent having a secret snuggle with a child in the middle of the night WITHOUT express permission from the child's mum or dad. I bet if the responses would be different if it was a grandfather or an uncle. People would be up in arms about safeguarding.

Regardless, the OP has crossed several boundaries with her DIL in regards to parenting techniques and style and this was probably the last straw.

The fact you wouldn’t have thought about putting him back to bed shows you are as rigid as OP in your parenting beliefs.

If you told me my parenting choices were cruel, I would ban you too.

Finally for those who don't see the relevance of Grandparents. If you watch strictly there was something very beautiful about Pete Wicks dedicating his dance to his Nan. Of course the Grandparents concerned have to want that relationship. It's the ones who do & parents deny it on a whim such as setting hard & fast 'boundaries' with the threat of no contact if they are occasionally crossed. 'Setting boundaries' seems to be the latest controlling expression🙄Absolute nonsense if the action is not deemed to be in any way dangerous or considered extremely unhealthy.

Why’s it a shame, as parents it’s our choice how we raise our kids, not the grandparents. We don’t need to follow a tradition, but do what is right for our child and us.

It was obvious from the first post that there was a history there. Op needs to wind her neck in and behave.

@TheoriginalMrsDarcy
I think you misread my post. I’ve done the parenting part but I’m thinking when grandchildren come around it sounds like too much of a minefield and I hate conflict and disagreement so I will possibly take a big step back.

Oh dear , cuddles from grandparents are now seen as safeguarding issues and crossing boundaries. What a weird world some people live in.

I have the opposite problem. My mum keeps them in a better routine at her house than I can with them myself 😆

What would the OP's son or daughter have preferred? It's not clear. I cannot see the harm in warming the kid up if they wake frozen in the night. Maybe if OPs Son or DIL were better attuned to "best practice" the child would have been warm enough in their bed?

Why can't a loving grandparent do that?

I remember my parents were very respectful of my choices and i was definitely quite strict with them! My MIL was responsible for giving my Dc a dummy when I left them to mind him as a baby

Oh well you must be right then if you have had all those thank yous!!! 🙄

What's "creepy" is your suggestion that the MIL might try to breastfeed the child!!!

If people agree that the MIL is "undermining" her DIL by trying to warm up a cold child, then that's on them. Personally I think it's bollocks.