I think I've just been banned from seeing my grandchildren!

[TiredRetired]

My parenting was different from the way my DIL is bringing up my two grandsons but that is not usually a problem. They are happy little boys.
Background; I had my 4 kids in the 1980s/1990s. I read the Continuum Concept and never looked back. We co-slept. Breastfed until natural weaning. Home educated second youngest until ready for school.
DIL was given lots of help by me to b'feed ( asked for) which she does diligently but not sure she really enjoys it. She sticks rigidly to meal & nap times which we have to come home for. I have always stuck up for her when other family members have rolled their eyes at this because they seem happy in the routine. I will occasionally get a lecture - for instance I once kept eldest out past meal time because we had stopped at a cafe. I texted not to worry about lunch but was told in no uncertain terms to come back immediately
I visited a few days ago in their new house they've just moved to. I was sleeping in the dormer bedroom opposite my 3 yr old grandson. He arrived in my room about midnight having undone his sleeping bag, climbed out of his cot and come through. It was cold in the rooms (corners often are) and his hands and feet were like ice. I know they don't like co-sleeping so I grabbed the duvet and took him downstairs to snuggle on the couch and warm him up. Just did not occur to me to put him back in his cot like that.
To cut a long story my son came through and said, I'll take him Mum. Suspected I'd done the wrong thing as he was quite short with me.
Got a lecture in the morning from DIL as though I was a small child myself and I'm afraid it went badly. After listening a bit I said "of course I'll do what you want in your house but my parenting was different to yours so it can be a bit difficult for me to know what to do here. I'm not 12 yrs old and I've brought up 4 kids. Can I not be the Grandma that's a bit different because after all, you're the biggest influence on them ( that's a precis of my side of it)
She was really angry and said she can't see how I can continue to visit and she doesn't know what else she has to do...
You get the picture?
I am heartbroken. Don't know at the moment now to fix this. I apologised and said of course in your house, your rules but there's something broken now

You were fortunate to have access to breastfeeding counsellors. I'd nothing like that when my children were born and I'd have appreciated support from someone who knew what they were doing.

Supporting breastfeeding is their literal job. Of course they would be passionate about it. I doubt they were judging you - they will just have moved on to the next client.

Presumably the DIL chose to breastfeed whether or not she enjoys it, for the health benefits.

Your Dil might not have appreciated this but this would have been a lovely thing for your grandson. How loved he must have felt after that.

I'm sure you will receive lots of conflicting opinions on this OP. I am not one to take sides, also being a Grandmother to young children myself I often take the side of the dil in varying disagreements.On this ocassion you have my utmost support. Your dil sounds extremely pedantic & set in her ways to the extend she flew off the handle at the cafe incident. This is an extremely unhealthy way to raise children. It creates long term anxiety in them when suddenly the usual routine doesn't happen. Children need to appreciate the plan doesn't always work & they should learn to be comfortable with it.

I don't have answers as to how to get back on track with your son & dil given you know them best. Perhaps a bunch of flowers with an apology note but if is this is something your dil is going to be susceptible to you may be treading on eggshells for good. Hopefully she will learn where her bread is buttered with your support & stop treating 'her ways' as the only ways.

Yes exactly. Two of mine were demon sleepers - any visiting adult who rewarded nighttime escapology with a trip downstairs would have had short shrift from us in the middle of the night. Its hard enough to keep a toddler sleep pattern, especially after a new baby and a house move.

Nor does the OP say the room was "freezing" - they say "cold" but current NHS recommendations for toddler bedrooms at night are 16-18C which most adults would describe as cold. His hands and feet were cold? Well no shit sherlock - that happens when you wander around barefoot at night - back to bed is the best option.
Advice on blankets fluctuates - when mine were babies they were a "no" but possibly that has changed.

There were at least two options other than "fun time downstairs with granny" which wouldn't have disrupted attempts to build a better sleep pattern.

Why did you choose to visit when they’ve just moved into a new house and don’t even have a bed yet?

sounds stressful to me.

I had the opposite experience. My mother bottlefed 4 children too, and was delighted when I breastfed! She said she would have loved the chance to do it too but way back then, the midwives handed the mums out medication to dry up their milk!!

My MIL is the sort who adds to my life. I mean she has some batshit views but then so did my mother. But she and FIL moved in with us and were amazing particularly through the pandemic. No interference, just support for me. To the point where one day DH went, but you are MY parents, you are always on her side (jokingly!).

I could leave my kids with them knowing they would be sensitive to what I'd asked them to do. They did a lot of the homeschooling in the pandemic and did an amazing job.

And they would often do all the stuff behind the scenes so I could enjoy being a mum. When I went back to work after DS2 I would come home to hot food, and the laundry tidied away thanks to MIL so I could just lie on the floor and play with him. She would then offer to give him dinner and I could go have a shower and I knew he would be fed and ready for me to give him a bath. And while I was with DS2 she would just seamlessly take over with DS1, helping with homework or whatever till DH came home. They were part of my team, not sitting there trying to re-live their parenting days through us.

I have two dgs, dd parents like your dil (like I did) and dil parents like you do. There has never been a cross word between any of us but then I'm in awe of dil who seems to be able to give 100% of herself to dgs both day and night. I tell her often what a lucky boy dgs is, how she has so much more patience than I ever have had, how she and ds are wonderful parents. If I'm there I always ask what I should do because I wouldn't want to make their lives more difficult or for dil to think I am undermining her. With dd I just step in because I am pretty confident dd would do the same.
You may see dil feeling tense because she finds your presence difficult because your post drips with your feeling that dil is doing parenting wrong. I think you need to forget how you parented and grandparent the grandchildren like their parents want and an open and honest apology is the start of that.

This is us as well.

this sounds stressful. I’d find some time to meet your son for coffee somewhere and try to hash it out, preservation of the relationship should be key.

The child's grandmother??

Plus you seem to have missed the fact that they were NOT co-sleeping either!

And the granny's attempt to deal with the situation while letting son and DIL have their sleep was rewarded with a bollocking from DIL!! Who does she think she is, for that matter??

@SmileyHappyPeopleInTheSun

I didn't say anything about adulthood, I said about children.

Easier guest IL were and more trust they built up with us more they saw of the kids

Do you not realise how controlling & manipulative that sounds? Provided the in-laws weren't racking up lines on the coffee table, leaving the front door open, slack with allergens etc I really cannot fathom where you're coming from.

It honestly sounds like toddlers protecting their toys from other toddlers with whiney 'but it's miiiiine', except you're talking about human beings & family (invariably in-laws from the mum's pov I'll note). Everything has to be a battle & fight & something to take offense at. You make your own lives far far harder!

My advice to my own D'il' & son is generally, do whatever feels right & makes yours & DGSs lives easiest & least stress filled. Yesterday DGS was due a nap cos he was knackered but extremely distressed cos he felt poorly. DS was getting distressed too, cos battling him made him feel like he was failing as a dad cos he was still trying but nothing was working. So I popped my head in (they were at our house) & said 'just give up, you're doing amazing but he just needs something different right now.' DS stood up & DGS immediately reached out, my instinct was to take him, but I didn't, I said DS needed to pick him up & give the comfort to come out of the tears.

The moment they were both stood up DGS changed to a gentle sob & DS immediately relaxed. Not long later, after a wander round DGS settled to sleep on my 15yo DS (who also fell asleep 🤣). Being flexible is what allowed everyone to relax & more importantly for DS (dad) to not feel like he was failing

I think staying in a hotel next time you visit would be a great solution. I wish my PIL offered to do this! I have felt subtly criticised and observed by my MIL since DC were tiny (she found parenthood very easy - her words - whereas I had PND and found it all very difficult). A hotel would give everyone space, particularly at the more 'difficult' parenting times - bedtime and overnight.

Just to say - my DC are 11 and 14 now and I still remember and feel upset by some of things MIL said when they were babies. Looking back, the things she said/did were not unkind or even massively critical, but I did feel judged and that I couldn't do anything right. So even 'helpful suggestions' felt like harsh criticisms. MIL and I have a fine relationship now and I would never have stopped her from seeing DC. But I've never been truly open and relaxed around her since having children.

Perfect scenario & what a wonderful mil 😁

This is first and foremost about maintaining a relationship with your son and DIL. Unless there’s actual danger , I’d respect their rules. You had your routines, they will have theirs. And your son has backed your DIL. Your disapproval of her comes across in your posts. This is how estrangement can start.

Nothing helpful to add I’m afraid apart from trying to think ahead and ask what they want to happen in x,y,z circumstances (like a 12 year old). Reading this type of thread makes me dread becoming a g.parent

Oh wise up!

Your DIL and DS sound like they have a bad case of PFB syndrome.

What a shame. Sorry you are having to put up with this shite.

This is exactly what happened in my NCT group. 4 of us went with the flow, 2 insisted on all naps being in the cot, 7pm bedtimes and timetabled feeds. They would come to a baby class then dash back home rather than coming for coffee because contact/pram naps were the devil. They missed out on so much of our catch ups that by 9 months we didn’t see them anymore.

15 years on the rigid ones are still controlling as much as they can, including GCSE subjects and extra curricular activities and their kids seem frightened of the world. Our more relaxed kids are out there trying new things. Could be a coincidence, maybe of course.

if you only visit sporadically rather than live nearby and are a regular part of their lives, then you should respect their routine. Whether you agree or not is immaterial. My late FIL used to say that visiting family used to descend, cause chaos, then leave that chaos behind for him to sort out. Don’t take grandchildren to a cafe without asking first - texting while there is a fait accompli… grandson with cold hands and feet should have been tucked straight back into his bed and parents quietly woken to say he was wandering so that they can do the settling.

I’m sorry, but you come across as almost wanting to find ways to subtly undermine their parenting so that you can ‘prove’ your way was/is better…

I think what parents of children this age (who have just moved house) need is support, not judgement or arguments. The children will be older before you know it. I would just go along with it. If you need to roll your eyes or express your disagreement I think you need to find another outlet.

@Firstimpressions I mean listen she's quite mad in lots of ways (I see where DH gets his stubborn streak from). But after FIL's death, she's very lonely and being a grandmother is central to her life. But she manages to do that without undermining us.
She came to the US from India in the mid 1970s, has suffered from serious ill health when DH was a baby (to the point where she was told she would not see him grow up), taught computer science at a college in the US and now has taught herself R for instance and went out and campaigned for Kamala Harris.
Left to her maybe the kids would watch a bit more TV than I would like. Or have a bit more sugar (ok, a lot more sugar) but because she's never tried to undermine us I can always let the small things go. I suspect OP has constantly poked and prodded at her DIL over the small things, and the DIL has no fucks left to give any more esp with a baby, a toddler, a house move and a judgemental MIL staying over.

What a ridiculous post threetrees.You obviously never had the type of relationship I had with my Grandparents or my children had with their grandparents. I know they absolutely love & trust their Grandparents implicitly & it's reciprocated. We wouldn't have it any other way.

Being a parent isn't a problem. Its all a learning curve.

It's when you have interfering parents/parents in law that becomes the problem. Those that don't respect your decisions, are judgemental, condescending, patronising and spout rubbish about how their way is better. That's where the problem lies.

My mother in-law always thinks she's right and likes interfering. Telling my DH and I how to spend our money and what to do, where to go, how things should be done this way etc... I take it all with a pinch of salt, some advice I take on board and some I argue back. Luckily my DH agrees with me and speaks from the same page.

I wouldnt be surprised if your DS didnt enjoy his childhood in terms of not going to school, self weaning etc and wants his kids to be brought up very very differently which he and his wife have agreed to do.

I wouldnt be blaming your DIL here as I suspect your DS has his own firm views on how to bring up his kids which may not agree with how you brought him up.

You were in the wrong as they are the parents (you've had your chance at parenting), you need to accept that and wholeheartedly follow what they want or you wont be seeing the grandchildren anymore.

@HaleyBrookeandPeyton OP has admitted she does have a strained relationship with her son that predates the arrival of the DIL.