I think I've just been banned from seeing my grandchildren!

[TiredRetired]

My parenting was different from the way my DIL is bringing up my two grandsons but that is not usually a problem. They are happy little boys.
Background; I had my 4 kids in the 1980s/1990s. I read the Continuum Concept and never looked back. We co-slept. Breastfed until natural weaning. Home educated second youngest until ready for school.
DIL was given lots of help by me to b'feed ( asked for) which she does diligently but not sure she really enjoys it. She sticks rigidly to meal & nap times which we have to come home for. I have always stuck up for her when other family members have rolled their eyes at this because they seem happy in the routine. I will occasionally get a lecture - for instance I once kept eldest out past meal time because we had stopped at a cafe. I texted not to worry about lunch but was told in no uncertain terms to come back immediately
I visited a few days ago in their new house they've just moved to. I was sleeping in the dormer bedroom opposite my 3 yr old grandson. He arrived in my room about midnight having undone his sleeping bag, climbed out of his cot and come through. It was cold in the rooms (corners often are) and his hands and feet were like ice. I know they don't like co-sleeping so I grabbed the duvet and took him downstairs to snuggle on the couch and warm him up. Just did not occur to me to put him back in his cot like that.
To cut a long story my son came through and said, I'll take him Mum. Suspected I'd done the wrong thing as he was quite short with me.
Got a lecture in the morning from DIL as though I was a small child myself and I'm afraid it went badly. After listening a bit I said "of course I'll do what you want in your house but my parenting was different to yours so it can be a bit difficult for me to know what to do here. I'm not 12 yrs old and I've brought up 4 kids. Can I not be the Grandma that's a bit different because after all, you're the biggest influence on them ( that's a precis of my side of it)
She was really angry and said she can't see how I can continue to visit and she doesn't know what else she has to do...
You get the picture?
I am heartbroken. Don't know at the moment now to fix this. I apologised and said of course in your house, your rules but there's something broken now

TiredRetired
Im a grandmother to 6 and one great granddaughter so I’ve had a bit of experience with family dynamics.
Your problem ( as I see it) is plain and simple: your daughter in law doesn’t really know you and you don’t know her. You and your sons relationship isn’t perfect ( who’s is 😁)
Because of the distance geographically I don’t see an answer right now. Only time will help.
Don’t worry about the not seeing your grandchildren this will pass.
I wish you well 🌹

I don't who is wrong or right in this situation but every parent I've met who is this rigid will absolutely not deviate from their routine, even if it means missing out on experiences, or similar. I couldn't live like that.

It seems like everything you say/do has an undertone of criticism to it!

If they were downstairs & that's where you went you might as well have taken him in to them.

Sounds as if it woke your son anyway.

You seem unable/unwilling to grasp that your way isn't the only way.

All the faux "I try my best" bollocks!

What are you on about? Co-sleeping on a couch is v dangerous but OP was not asleep? That's called holding a child. I imagine we've all done it.

its so easy to say things but none of us were there at the time and she thought she was doing right thing keeping child warm .truthfully never stayed at sons house unless they were away and i babysat as wanted children in own beds and i tried to follow rules but it is hard in a house where dont know where things are and had baby monitor on so i never slept as watched monitor . and had 5 year old as well. think faults on both sides and we all live and learn .i hope she gets to see children .its hard been a mam but even harder being nanny

I know you talk the talk of it being their house, their rules and respecting their parenting but your actions don't really reflect that.

MIL used to nod along when we explained why we did things or why there were rules - then usually completely ignore and assume they didn't apply to her. Even safety ones.

So upshot was she was carefully watched for years with our kids - till her attitude improved round safety and kids had sense of their own and knew what we said went and GM saying different wasn't some get out of jail card as they knew better.

It sounds to me like the child is being neglected……

Because perhaps he agrees with his wife…?!

I think times have changed and in some ways not for the better possibly. With the internet there is so much information with articles, books recommendations, videos, forums and it's hard to know what to do right.

We did the strict routine because we had to as we had a baby that nearly died and baptised after 12 hours as on max life support.

We did get home eventually but we were on strict 4 hourly meds for 6 months straight. Could only sleep in cot with breathing alarm for technically the 1st year but I was so highly strung at child not breathing every single night and me having to fly out of bed in middle of the night to BEEP, BEEP, BEEP to intervene for 9 months straight that I didn't have the confidence to remove the alarm until over 2 years old.

So we had a very strict routine and our relationship with MIL did break down completely. Not because baby was unwell but because of constant locking horns over routine and circumstances. She was constantly making digs, even when in hospital I remember the Dr's gave baby the neonatal dummy starting in NICU and MIL saying to me "I didn't think you'd have went with a dummy".

She never stuck to our routine. Coming late and expecting me to wake baby from nap (which I wouldn't do as baby needed energy for next batch of meds), so we'd sit there awkwardly or they'd just leave. She was pissed off we wouldn't let baby "just sleep in car seat" so we could go on a long outing to show off her grandchild to a relative. Did try to explain that sleeping in car seat is unsafe time and again and needs cot with alarm but she wasn't interested and I, we were the problem.

Like PP said what are you adding to visits?

You don't know what she is feeling and she is unlikely to share that with you if she feels gotten at.

Being a mum is hard I think nowadays as theres always a sense of whatever your doing is not good enough. There are so many corners on the internet that will tear apart a method or parenting style, whilst another part pushes it/celebrates it. Its easy to doubt yourself.

You got to parent without this pressure and information overload so consider that when you go on about how chilled your style was.

For whatever reason your DIL has chosen a routine way of parenting.

If you want to be involved and mend this, I'd follow their lead and not go rogue doing your own thing. Once you've built trust then you can freestyle things but that will probably be at school age when she feels less tied to the routine and more trusting of you.

I don't like what you said about asking her to see the kids on their own.

I don't think that's right and I bet she feels right now she can't trust you so the last thing she wants is to leave the kids in your sole care.

Before you see kids on your own you need to focus on developing your relationship with you DIL, not your grandkids.

As there will be no grandkids without your DIL.

So that's my opinion to add into the mix here.

Best wishes x

How on earth have you managed to arrive at this conclusion? Taking into account how over involved the OP sounds, it’s unlikely he was so cold he needed to co-sleep with her in the first place. In any event, if a child gets cold at night you do realise this isn’t neglect, right? You add a blanket.

I am a grandmother but I think I am with the DIL here. You start your post with how you brought your children up. Your DIL and son want to bring their children up their way. That is their decision and you should respect it. Firstly, I know you were doing them a favour by bringing up furniture but really, as they had just moved in, would it not have been better for you to stay in a hotel? They will have been stressed with the move and with having a baby on top.
Your DIL was quite right to tell you to bring your grandson home immediately. Why go in a cafe if you are late? You bring him back at the time requested. You don’t change a young child’s sleeping pattern. Sometimes it is really hard to establish a sleeping pattern and just one night could put the parents back weeks.
I look after my grandchildren and I haven’t always got it right but I do try and ask rather than do it my way. A message is usually answered quite quickly.
I think the best thing you can do is apologise and not give advice. Stop talking about breastfeeding now.
I really recommend staying in a hotel when visiting anyone. It gives both of you some time in the morning and evening as a break from each other.

OP I applaud that you're taking on others advice. Just to add to the chorus, I have a good relationship with my MIL but our parenting is also different to hers

I have definitely grown more flexible but I used to be quite rigid. She never understood why but it was because it worked well for us. My DS liked routine and he fell into it easily.

My PIL started having him for the occasional overnight which we were super grateful for, but it also caused terrible nights sleep afterwards. It turns out she was bringing him into their bed if he woke up. He would then expect that at home and it'd take a week to undo. If she'd put him back to bed, he would have gone straight back down as that's what he's used to

We then stopped the overnights as it wasn't worth the lack of sleep afterwards

You may see their ways as rigid but they live with the kids 24/7 and this obviously works for them. They wouldn't do it if it didn't! And any change to that routine honestly causes chaos

I'd also say that although you say you like and admire her, your language in this thread does suggest otherwise and maybe something to think about (her parenting is 'fine'...)

He had undone his sleeping bag and climbed out of his cot. He was cold and apparently sleeps without covers, just in the sleeping bag. I would have been conflicted about putting him back in the circumstances, and I was an absolute stickler for kindly but firmly putting mine back in their own beds. In this situation I think the best option was to wake the parents because if she’d put him back and he’d climbed again and hurt himself that would have been on her.

I have to say, there is quite an overwhelming feeling of ‘I’m right, you’re (she’s) wrong’ coming from your posts op, to me anyway. You may well have parented in a very different way, and maybe that worked out well for you, but this is the way your son and daughter in law have chosen to parent, and that’s not for you to deem right or wrong. You say you don’t offer advice unless asked by but it seems you also try to ‘subtly’ guide her, which isn’t really the same thing!
I understand you did what you thought was right, but it was annoying for your DIL, and presumably your son, although you don’t seem very inclined to treat him as equal to your daughter in law for some reason. It’s just one of those things. You know for next time I guess.
Id be apologising for making the wrong call and laying off the ‘let me be meeeee’ talk. It’s not about you. Respecting their choices re routine and mealtimes and whatever really isn’t a big ask.

Well said 👏

The most worrying thing about this situation for me is that a 3 year old was sleeping in a cot that they were able to climb out of. It's dangerous and they could have hurt themselves.

I feel sorry for you, OP. I can see that you were trying to do your best, to stick to their rules and thought that dealing with it yourself would help the parents get more sleep.

I agree. On the surface level it seems you're short of being the perfect ally to your DIL (you've certainly put effort in your post to come across this way), and yet you fail to "understand" pretty simple boundaries and throughout the post make sure we readers get how rigid your DIL is, as opposed to you (who care for her cold as ice poor child).

I personally have a very similar parenting to yours, but I sense you're being disingenuous and trying to make us believe you're not judgemental. You're not being generous or fair with your DIL (and, as other pp said: where's your son in all this?!).
Of course taking your GC to the sofa in the middle of the night is a terrible idea, especially knowing your son and dil's preferences! It just sounds really dishonest, almost like you're trying to wound her up (your dil) so you can later be the victim.

I think you need to be honest with yourself: yes, you believe you did things better (and maybe you did!), your DIL is the mother here and has the authority, if you want to have a relationship with her children you have to honestly respect her.
FWIW, I don't think you've been banned from anything: they are just reasessing the boundaries, as they should.

you dont know circumstances why i dont see my grandchildren i had a thread on here i had to have taken down because of sons partner i had looked after grandchildren and helped out lots me and my husband so dont judge people unless know true facts

I see the post to which I was replying has been deleted! In no way am I saying that for some breastfeeding isn't challenging but had you read the original post you may have misunderstood my post less!

Exactly!

Oh don't feel sorry for us, everyone has been much happier since some boundaries were put in place and the grandparents learned not to overstep.

And don't make assumptions. I gave examples of my mother in law as that's what this thread is about but I'm exactly the same with my own mum. She also hated BLW and had several strong viewpoints which didn't match mine - I breastfed for a start whereas she formula fed all 4 of her children. When I had issues and difficulties in the beginning, instead of being supportive and trying to help, she just tried everything to get me to give up and use formula.

The OP posted on a thread asking AIBU. I answered with my opinion, you answered with yours. We don't have to agree.

Of course she was telling her she was wrong, she was also telling her she knew better. I get posters agreeing with the op, but it does her no favours, as she’s not going to be visiting at all soon enough,

there is no respect in her posts, it is all she does it different to me but my way worked and she’s miserable due to the way she does it. With the passive aggressive it’s such a shame isn’t it, she’s no friends and doesn’t enjoy it all because she does it so very wrong.

so that’s why she’s out.

If dc is cold, you go into their wardrobe and find some warm socks and a jumper/dressing gown for them. Then put them back to bed. Quiet and matter of fact. You do not make midnight waking fun, ever.

Oh, is the OP allowed to go through his wardrobe to find warmer clothes, thus implying criticism of his parents? She should have knocked on his parents' door to wake them up then they could have done what they wanted for their neglected cold child and taken him back to bed.

I would love to read the DIL's take on this.

OP, you come across as if you think "ordinarily I would respect my DIL's boundaries but in this case I won't because I'm right and she's wrong". You need to accept that she has the right to parent differently from you and back right off.

And children of that age (over 12 months, if I remember correctly) can have blankets or a duvet and pillows in bed. They're no longer a suffocation risk. Poor kid doesn't need to be freezing cold!