I think I've just been banned from seeing my grandchildren!

[TiredRetired]

My parenting was different from the way my DIL is bringing up my two grandsons but that is not usually a problem. They are happy little boys.
Background; I had my 4 kids in the 1980s/1990s. I read the Continuum Concept and never looked back. We co-slept. Breastfed until natural weaning. Home educated second youngest until ready for school.
DIL was given lots of help by me to b'feed ( asked for) which she does diligently but not sure she really enjoys it. She sticks rigidly to meal & nap times which we have to come home for. I have always stuck up for her when other family members have rolled their eyes at this because they seem happy in the routine. I will occasionally get a lecture - for instance I once kept eldest out past meal time because we had stopped at a cafe. I texted not to worry about lunch but was told in no uncertain terms to come back immediately
I visited a few days ago in their new house they've just moved to. I was sleeping in the dormer bedroom opposite my 3 yr old grandson. He arrived in my room about midnight having undone his sleeping bag, climbed out of his cot and come through. It was cold in the rooms (corners often are) and his hands and feet were like ice. I know they don't like co-sleeping so I grabbed the duvet and took him downstairs to snuggle on the couch and warm him up. Just did not occur to me to put him back in his cot like that.
To cut a long story my son came through and said, I'll take him Mum. Suspected I'd done the wrong thing as he was quite short with me.
Got a lecture in the morning from DIL as though I was a small child myself and I'm afraid it went badly. After listening a bit I said "of course I'll do what you want in your house but my parenting was different to yours so it can be a bit difficult for me to know what to do here. I'm not 12 yrs old and I've brought up 4 kids. Can I not be the Grandma that's a bit different because after all, you're the biggest influence on them ( that's a precis of my side of it)
She was really angry and said she can't see how I can continue to visit and she doesn't know what else she has to do...
You get the picture?
I am heartbroken. Don't know at the moment now to fix this. I apologised and said of course in your house, your rules but there's something broken now

you know what Op I felt so irritated reading your comments.

I'm actually more the type of mother you clearly think is the 'right' kind - ie. demand led, no routine - but the JUDGEMENT of this poor mum - who is juggling a baby and toddler - just REEKS from your posts!

why don't you read it and think you are reading someone commenting on YOUR parenting when you had a baby and toddler?

You think you are right - you bring up her 'lack of enjoyment ' of. breastfeeding as clearly a failing in your eyes - I mean what that has to do with anything I don't know. - at 7 months in she has made it far further along with BF than the vast majority of british mothers why does she need to 'enjoy ' it - I breastfed to a year both times with my kids and didn't enjoy it at all, I just did it because it was free and convenient and I preferred it to bottles.

you did something that pissed off an exhausted mum - just cut her some slack and don't take it all as some giant parenting battle.

She was ratty her toddler had been randomly taken downstairs in the middle of the night! just apologise, stop being so sanctimonous and move on.

No actually it isn't just DIL who should apologise.

OP's son should have spoken to her first thing in the morning and said 'by the way just wake us up next time. Best not to take him downstairs,' Easy and simple.

He shouldn't have given his own mother the off treatment and then waited for his wife to berate her.

OP has apologised. Her son and his wife are also adults. I feel sorry for the poor kids!

OP- how you personally parented your children has absolutely no bearing on the situation. It sounds like your son and DIL have explained to you how they want to parent their children and you simply need to follow their way which it sounds like you haven't done.

Respectfully, if your own MIL had banged on about formula feeding and putting your children to sleep in a cot instead of cosleeping I expect you would have been really pissed off when your own kids were young, especially if you'd already made your parenting choices clear.

You make constant references to your way and their way and to be honest if you're doing that here I guarantee you're doing it in real life too even if you don't think you do. I personally formula fed from birth and never coslept and it would have really wound me up being told constantly about what other people did vs me. Just let them get on with it.

I absolutely don't do co sleeping unless they are ill but in a brand new house, things are bound to take time to settle.

I guess from her point of view she thinks you are making it even harder for them to settle.

But like you, I wouldn't put a cold three year old back to bed right away. And it's harder in the middle of the night in an unfamiliar house when you don't know where blankets etc are kept.

I wonder if your anxiety about constantly being wrong is making you do more unnatural things - like taking him downstairs to avoid co sleeping.

My MIL didn't do everything exactly as I might have (often it was better!) but she adores my children and is always there for us so I would never raise anything unless it was an outright safety issue (and it never was).

this is one of those situations where it's really unhelpful to say to the op they are 'right' - i mean what is the outcome if they consider they are 'right' ? they lose a good relationship with their family members!

It's easy on mumsnet to say - oh you sound lovely Op- but this is a situation where the OP needs to go in with full compassion and understand the impact that an argument has on exhausted mum with young kids.

Instead of looking at whether she is 'right' or 'wrong' she should be asking - how can I rebuild trust and ensure I have a good relationship going forward

it will be the end of the relationship if the OP wants to find a way to be 'right'

There you go, judging her again, l feel sorry for her. None of your business whether she likes or doesn’t like breastfeeding -none of your business. Their children = their rules. If they don’t do co-sleeping then you need to respect that. You are just dipping your toe in and won’t potentially have a few nights struggling to get him back into his cot. Parenting is super personal just because you did things a certain doesn’t mean it’s right, just in your opinion it is right. Don’t overstep then you won’t have to be challenged. I have a family member like you who has opinions and doesn’t do any of the heavy lifting with my children. But magically has lots of opinions and can be disparaging despite us doing fine our way e.g. we have twins who both slept through at 5 months, both are thriving. Then the family member yep “cries” when challenged, it’s very wearing and manipulative. Your DIL and son may well feel the same

younger people have their own ideas about parenting .and i find sometimes no matter what you do you cant please them believe me ive tried i hope you get it sorted .but have done our best with our grandchildren and now dont see them .but same senario son and partner .but know now it is their children their home and at end of day we werent really wanted unless were doing and giving.miss grandchildren but not all upsets

And OP was trying to avoid waking then because they're sleeping really badly at the moment and DIL in particular seems very tired.

But if course the knives are out and few people are prepared to consider that OP was trying to be thoughtful.

and saying 'I read the continuum concept' just makes it very clear you think they are 'wrong' and you are 'right - even though you admit you are barely around with them and their kids. Just try to think they do it 'differen't not wrong.

This. Drama Queen DIL. 🙄. Let her get on with it. I’m sure her mindset will change if she needs any type of childcare or babysitting.

Err this. Why would someone be apologising in their own house about the care of their own children?! Quite possibly the DIL doesn’t agree with the way her husband was raised but she’s polite enough not to mention it

How dare they parent their children in their own way. So ungrateful and rude!!!

Straightaway it’s obvious why you don’t see them!!

I’m amazed at the vitriol of some of the responses on here. Talking about OP creating a 'trail of destruction' and telling her to 'get back in your box' - really nasty and belittling. Let’s face it, according to some posters she shouldn’t have had the temerity to visit them at all so it was all her fault anyway! Who needs those useless old women who had babies years ago? They’re past it! Maybe she should know her place, eh?!

No. @TiredRetired you reacted like a normal human being when a little child is cold, out of bed and wandering the house. You instinctively knew that he needed to be warmed up - who can sleep when they’re cold? I can’t - and you tried to do that while abiding by the sizeable unwritten book of 'rules' that you mustn’t contravene - no co-sleeping, no blanket even for a 3-year-old, and you were trying not to wake his parents who also have a small baby and would be exhausted. Your DIL and son sound very, very tense and unyielding and I feel sad for you that they reacted in this way to your well-meaning actions.

She didn't 'make them a favour' - she completely ignored what they'd asked her to do.

And then she criticised her MIL even further- OP was overbearing and rude.

How are you classing first time parents?! They have two!

I think although difficult,you have to respect their way of dong things is different to yours.You probably dont mean it ,but you do come over a bit judgy. I had my DC 80s and 90s. Things were different then ,were you a SAHM and were probably able to BF.HE and so on similar to me . Now many younger women work, and need a stricter routine for DC.Hopefully they will come round . The boys are happy and thats the main thing .Often young Mums are feeling nervous theu need reassurance .Finding you both on the sofa was a shock I expect .Also she doesnt want to do that every time he cant sleep!

Exactly, she is probably much less tense when breastfeeding without the critical eyes of the 'breastfeeding expert' watching her.

Maybe they should be apologising for not having the heating on with older people and very young children in the house?

I'd always have the heating on when guests were over. And her poor child is probably freezing cold every night, he's going to be a miserable icicle by January.

Yes. I think sleep training is cruel and leads to anxiety and mental health problems. I bring my baby into bed with me. I'd hate to have a grandkids who doesn't get that comfort from their parents.

Would you not cuddle a chilly child?

If I was staying at the house of a close relative and knew they had just moved house and had a 7month old baby, I dint think I'd be waking them when their 3 year old woke me up.

I'd do exactly what my grandparents did - which was either take me in bed with them or go downstairs and entertain them so the parents got some sleep

Couldn’t put it any better myself.

I feel for you but parenting in the early years is SO intense and anxiety inducing. Just take a big step back and try not to interfere at all. My MIL and Mother were both overbearing at times.

im sure I’ll find it hard not to give off / express an opinion when my turn comes to be a grandparent though.

Poor child with his icy cold hands and feet in his cot.
My instinct would have been to do the same as you OP, to give him some human warmth -but then putting him back to bed once he was properly warm again, and comfortable. I wouldn’t have wanted to wake the parents (unless he was ill,) given he had woken me instead.
I empathise with your situation. I hope you can resolve it with a sincere explanation of exactly what happened and with an apology for not putting him back to bed once he had warmed up.
It can be so tricky to find the exact right to line to follow, but your son and DIL, in their new house, need to know that their little son is in a colder bedroom. For their child’s sake, I hope their upset doesn’t prevent them taking that fact on board.

So your response was to try and cut her out instead 🤷 sure that's gone down well.....

Honestly you sound really so critical about the fact she doesn't enjoy breastfeeding in almost a superior way like you can't believe it. I am a similar age to you, I didn't enjoy breastfeeding with my children and to be honest my parenting sounds more like your DIL than yours.
What on earth is the Continuum concept? I have never heard of it and was parenting in the same era as you.

I imagine your DIL picks up on your disapproval of the way she parents her children and she is probably sensitive. I would be. And I would not dream in a million years of taking a 3yo grandson downstairs to cuddle on a sofa. I would tuck him in back in bed making sure he was in his little sleeping bag because that is what his parents would do.

I imagine it will all sort itself out in time.