I think I've just been banned from seeing my grandchildren!

[TiredRetired]

My parenting was different from the way my DIL is bringing up my two grandsons but that is not usually a problem. They are happy little boys.
Background; I had my 4 kids in the 1980s/1990s. I read the Continuum Concept and never looked back. We co-slept. Breastfed until natural weaning. Home educated second youngest until ready for school.
DIL was given lots of help by me to b'feed ( asked for) which she does diligently but not sure she really enjoys it. She sticks rigidly to meal & nap times which we have to come home for. I have always stuck up for her when other family members have rolled their eyes at this because they seem happy in the routine. I will occasionally get a lecture - for instance I once kept eldest out past meal time because we had stopped at a cafe. I texted not to worry about lunch but was told in no uncertain terms to come back immediately
I visited a few days ago in their new house they've just moved to. I was sleeping in the dormer bedroom opposite my 3 yr old grandson. He arrived in my room about midnight having undone his sleeping bag, climbed out of his cot and come through. It was cold in the rooms (corners often are) and his hands and feet were like ice. I know they don't like co-sleeping so I grabbed the duvet and took him downstairs to snuggle on the couch and warm him up. Just did not occur to me to put him back in his cot like that.
To cut a long story my son came through and said, I'll take him Mum. Suspected I'd done the wrong thing as he was quite short with me.
Got a lecture in the morning from DIL as though I was a small child myself and I'm afraid it went badly. After listening a bit I said "of course I'll do what you want in your house but my parenting was different to yours so it can be a bit difficult for me to know what to do here. I'm not 12 yrs old and I've brought up 4 kids. Can I not be the Grandma that's a bit different because after all, you're the biggest influence on them ( that's a precis of my side of it)
She was really angry and said she can't see how I can continue to visit and she doesn't know what else she has to do...
You get the picture?
I am heartbroken. Don't know at the moment now to fix this. I apologised and said of course in your house, your rules but there's something broken now

This.

DIL probably fears future nights where her sleep is disrupted due to the great time her ds has when he woke up in the night.

For someone who is or even has been sleep deprived especially if she is working this will be pretty unpopular.

I would apologise properly and say you hope it hasn't caused ongoing problems and you realise now it was the wrong thing to do.

I agree with your words - this DIL doesn't stand a chance with MIL so suffocating!

is there really any need to be so mean?

This sounds like the final straw rather than the entirety of what's been happening. I suspect DIL has been feeling undermined and criticised for a long time. And then this happened. After a big house move and efforts to help their DS get used to his new room, she discovers he was taken downstairs in the middle of the night and co-slept in the couch with someone else, who used a different method of keeping him warm despite knowing they as parents have concerns about suffocation risks, came across as criticising their new house and criticising her, while indicating the criticism and undermining would continue.

It was potentially unsafe for a "sleep befuddled" person to be carrying a 3yo downstairs at all. It was inappropriate to go against their sleep plan and end up co-sleeping on a sofa. If he had been really cold and you didn't know what to do (although surely, if you're being given the responsibility of the room opposite the 3yo, you thought to check what to do if he woke up in the night?), you should have taken him to his parents. Instead, they now have to deal with the new challenge of their DS now being aware that if he gets out of bed in the night, there's the option of getting up and going to sit on the couch with someone.

How much research have you done into modern parenting techniques?

You live 200 miles away and so you're not involved in the day to day. You don't have a strong relationship with your dil which means she doesn't trust your parenting style. Your techniques and style is alien to her and this is her first child. Every new parent is anxious and so they will defend their way of doing things quite forcefully, as the world is so judgmental of mothers!

I was a new parent 20 years ago and I'm also a new parent now at age 45, so I'm seeing how the new generation parent and I actually hate it. I didn't much like the parenting styles of the 00s either and being a Gen X kid, I'm picking and choosing the best bits of old and new.

But that's another story.

My advice to you is to try to understand that you were a new parent once, and it is terrifying. You worry your child is going to die, you worry about doing things correctly. You overthink, you worry about food and can't sleep for worry.

As you get older you wonder why you were so rigid. But you have to understand that is how new parents are.

You must be the student who follows the lead of the new parents. And your son stood by his wife and you should be proud of him for doing so.

Ask them about their parenting styles. What their concerns are and listen with enthusiasm. Say, "ah that makes sense!" Respect their choices, say you're proud of them. Ask what you can do to make amends for the future.

Be an open book and say you're there to help and lighten their load and thank them for being honest with you.

You can do this!

When did you last tell your DS and DIL that you think they are doing a great job?
In your situation I'd send them flowers today and apologise for overstepping the mark.
You DIL has a lot on her plate right now, an undermining MIL is an easy solve for her and she will just cut you out permanently if you aren't careful.

Your response to the telling off was not great though.

Straight out of the book of MIL cliches — you know it all because you’ve brought up 4 children; it’s all your DIL’s fault; ‘they’ (I.e. she) ‘disapprove’ of perfectly normal things; you are keeping to their rules like a good grandma but in fact undermining them.

I do agree that they sound somewhat rigid, but I think you’ve done as much eye rolling as everyone else. And they sense that.

This

OP you are full of nasty, unkind little judgements and your DIL is putting in boundaries to deal with you.

You clearly don't like or respect her. The fact you're not even close with your son says it all about your parenting.

I have nothing useful to add but feel for you. You were doing your best. I must admit that although DMil and I had different ways of doing things I always knew that she loved the DC and never imagined that my way was the only right way.After all she had raised my lovely DH successfully. It is a bit easier with one's own parent because you have the model of their style and because disagreeing is easier , usually anyway.

What was mean about that?

Did you miss where the son said she should have woken him up?

I end up usually siding with the DIL on those threads but I have to say you sound lovely, respect her boundaries. she sounds like a total pain the the backside. Where is your DS in this all? Does DIL rule the house? Ultimately, if they don't want you back, you have ri accept it but it's a cruel thing to do, not just to you but to the grandchildren as well.

if new parents can’t trust people that care for their child they’re not off duty, and worse they’re having to look out for a bunch of new things going wrong they hadn’t anticipated/prepared for eg not having enough sleep/expectations of going downstairs in response to night waking.

Added to which, it’s evident you aren’t keeping your knowledge to yourself until asked -dil response ‘ and so now my rooms are too cold’.

You say you have expertise in parenting but seem to be omitting the most important component, to empower the parents.

If your son/dil trust you again they may feel comfortable you doing things your way in future.

How you handle this depends on what is important to you.

I'd say that OP's parenting is much more modern and DIL is the old fashioned one. However within reason people can parent as they wish.

I think there are top separate issues here:

1. the difference in parenting opinions and then yes maybe OP needs to hold her tounge

2. DIL's total overaction and rudeness which I think is unacceptable over something so minor.

Obviously they are linked and yes maybe "the final straw" but I don't think that excuses telling someone off like a child when all they've done is comforted your child who woke up and was wandering around the house!

I only have read your OP.
From that the only wrong thing I get here is that your DIL is a control freak.
The child came to you and you tried to warm him up and pacify without waking them up. That is making them a favour.
The thing of having to cut a day out trip to be back home on the dot too is weird. All of us take babies out and we do take food for them or buy it at restaurants and cafes, trying to stick to the routine, but we do not time it minute by minute or ruin days out because we have to be back home for dinner now when we are in a place with food.
She will soon change. The baby needs to learn to listen to his body's signals, not to a clock, by the way. But well..... they are just first time parents and this happens.....
I hope they grow upt of it quickly OP.

If you can’t see how gratuitously harsh that comment was , I’m not sure I can help.

How far was the academy from your home? Could your DS still have lived with you? How much did you see of your son after he went to live with his father? This sounds like an unusual arrangement which must have had an impact on your relationship with your son.

From your description of your parenting, it sounds very 'earth mother' and 'mama bear' so I'm surprised that you would have agreed to this arrangement.

You did nothing wrong.

Your daughter is being neurotic and is hugely over reacting.

Lots of people projecting their own insecurities and crappy family relationships onto you here.

I want to get that cold boy a nice little bed and duvet…

OP, I am sure you can come back from this. You had your sleep broken, and tried to warm up the child without disturbing the parents. It’s hardly a huge violation of trust.

I just don’t think the DIL should apologise.

OP was staying in her tired stressed DIL’s house, knew DIL had strict rules, but took matters into her own hands anyway. When told off, she said she wasn’t 12. No - she isn’t 12 - but she has gone into someone’s house and upset them - albeit trying to help.

It is very irritating when people come into your home and think they know it all.

My MIL noticed that I did things very differently to her. Mostly because of advice of friends / professionals at the respective times. She never, ever told me what to do, she was interested in how things had changed.

"The fact you're not even close with your son says it all about your parenting."

This is shitty and unnecessary @Vallan

The OP's son lived with his father from age 12, who was openly critical of her. I'm sure that hadn't helped the relationship.
And even the best parenting doesn't guarantee close relationships, since people are individuals and subject to all sorts of influences outside of how they were parented.

I would love to know what OP son has to say about this, his family are rolling their eyes at his parenting, they disrespect his wife in his own home and he's not close to his mother, and actually left her care at 12. I wonder how he experienced his upbringing by his mother and how much of this rigidity is his reaction to his own childhood. He may actually find security in this more structured home life.

I don't really see it as a taking sides thing.

I was quite lax re routines etc because it suited me. I wouldn't have had the rigid expectations in place that the OP's son and daughter in law have and I wouldn't have minded the 3 yo on the sofa thing. I'd have seen it as a bit of an adventure and a nice opportunity 🤷🏻‍♀️

But I still think that, when it comes to other people's children, you follow their lead. Not do what you want. They have their reasons for doing things that way. And it's about respect.

OP could have woken her son up, especially given that she knows they do things differently, more rigidly and, as she says, can't always predict how they'd want her to act but she chose not to and wanted snuggles on the sofa so she did what she wanted to do instead.

If she was concerned about the child being cold, she should have woken the parents.

You are projecting wildly.

Either we don't have the full sorry or her reaction to what happened is completely crazy. Personally I wouldn't be apologising and would live with their choices as sad as that is. A grandma cuddling with their cold grandson on the couch is normal behaviour. Leaving a 3 year old to freeze in a bed alone is insane.