I think I've just been banned from seeing my grandchildren!

[TiredRetired]

My parenting was different from the way my DIL is bringing up my two grandsons but that is not usually a problem. They are happy little boys.
Background; I had my 4 kids in the 1980s/1990s. I read the Continuum Concept and never looked back. We co-slept. Breastfed until natural weaning. Home educated second youngest until ready for school.
DIL was given lots of help by me to b'feed ( asked for) which she does diligently but not sure she really enjoys it. She sticks rigidly to meal & nap times which we have to come home for. I have always stuck up for her when other family members have rolled their eyes at this because they seem happy in the routine. I will occasionally get a lecture - for instance I once kept eldest out past meal time because we had stopped at a cafe. I texted not to worry about lunch but was told in no uncertain terms to come back immediately
I visited a few days ago in their new house they've just moved to. I was sleeping in the dormer bedroom opposite my 3 yr old grandson. He arrived in my room about midnight having undone his sleeping bag, climbed out of his cot and come through. It was cold in the rooms (corners often are) and his hands and feet were like ice. I know they don't like co-sleeping so I grabbed the duvet and took him downstairs to snuggle on the couch and warm him up. Just did not occur to me to put him back in his cot like that.
To cut a long story my son came through and said, I'll take him Mum. Suspected I'd done the wrong thing as he was quite short with me.
Got a lecture in the morning from DIL as though I was a small child myself and I'm afraid it went badly. After listening a bit I said "of course I'll do what you want in your house but my parenting was different to yours so it can be a bit difficult for me to know what to do here. I'm not 12 yrs old and I've brought up 4 kids. Can I not be the Grandma that's a bit different because after all, you're the biggest influence on them ( that's a precis of my side of it)
She was really angry and said she can't see how I can continue to visit and she doesn't know what else she has to do...
You get the picture?
I am heartbroken. Don't know at the moment now to fix this. I apologised and said of course in your house, your rules but there's something broken now

Next time just lead him to his parent’s room and send him in there.

This!
I would argue that at 3 years old, they shouldn’t be sleeping in a cot where they can easily climb out of as it’s a falls risk. Also, I think sleeping bags are not great for toddlers for the same reason. This child was able to undo his sleeping bag, get out of his cot, leave his room and wander around his house without his parents even noticing!
He needs to be in a bed, with proper pyjamas and covers that he can pull over himself if he’s cold in the night. The parents are the ones with unsafe ideas of parenting here. Those of you saying MIL should have put him back in his cot - are you mad? Why would you think it’s ok to put an already cold child back in a cold cot with insufficient covers? That’s just cruel!

Taking a 3 year old downstairs for a cuddle in the night is not going to make it easy for them to get him back to bed/sleep in the future. You should have taken him back to bed.

You’ve done your parenting, it’s their turn now. They are doing it how they see fit and you need to respect that.

your DIL is bringing up the children? Where is your son in all this?

if he is leaving all the parenting choices and responsibilities to his wife maybe your parenting wasn’t as great as you think!

Op I think you’re getting a really hard time on here but you were brave, as a MIL, to post because whatever you do you will be seen as public enemy number one.

I was not a fan of the Continuum method when my girls were babies because I found having a routine much easier, however I personally would give you a break if you were only visiting once in a while and your intentions were kind. It’s clear from your posts that you did in that moment what you felt was best for your grandchild whilst trying not to overstep the mark and I’m sorry that you received such a telling off.

I think your dil and ds are tired, stressed, and possibly a little insecure in their parenting style, having to navigate a way that works best for them as a family. They have my sympathies, as all new parents muddling through do, but I also think they’ve been unnecessarily harsh with you and need to unclench a little.

Dogs. You're thinking about dogs.

What did OP actually do wrong? Take a cold child to a sofa to warm up? She was trying to let mum and dad get some sleep. I don't get why she's some villian here

I'm now granny age.

I had a strict routine for my kids (twins) because if I didn't they were sobbing hangry tantrumy messes.

One of them was later diagnosed with ASD and adhd.

Sometimes it's about the child you have.

I know that both sets of grandparents felt I was too rigid.

@Threeandahalf I completely agree - but maybe just not at the age of 3 when they find it harder to differentiate these things 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’m sure the time will come when they’re not as routine focused and it’s fine to break routine but at the moment they have 2 children with very different needs and it feels better to keep routine 🤷🏻‍♀️ Holidays are different IMO, because again, it’s away from the home and it’s easier for the child to differentiate that from “normal” even when they are young.

I have a child who turned 4 a couple of weeks ago so I’m only speaking very much from how I know he reacts. Obviously all kids are different 😊

Carry on as you are if you want to end up seeing less of your grandchildren. Did you mother ever critique your parenting? Have you no sympathy with someone who has rules because they work for her / their family? She and your son are the ones dealing day to day with their children. Someone coming in and judging / changing rules is bound to be majorly irksome at this time with young children where it is very intense.

Attitudes to parenting and what's considered best practice vary over the decades - yes, your ways might seem better to you but respect theirs, unless you think they are abusive and need calling out. The obvious thing was to add clothing or bedding to your grandson's bed. Maybe sit quietly with him for a short while if he was distressed.

My mother (grew up in WW2) saw my sister's parenting in the 90s as too lax and she constantly made jibes or gossiped about it behind her back. It didn't help their relationship, which wasn't that strong. Basically my sister had a more child-led approach and my mother had operated a more rule bound, hands off approach. I vainly tried to change her point of view. I didn't suffer as much from the same issue as I had my children later and my mother was older, and declining into ill health by that time

See I disagree. To me it says I am capable but have done things differently.
I parent differently from my parents and grandparents (less so grandparents) but wouldn’t sweat them looking after my DC.

She’s his grandmother. His Nana. His Nan.
If he wanted to climb in bed and snuggle with Granny, it’s the most natural, normal and comfortable thing in the world to do.
It continues to build the strong bond that the two will share for the rest of their lives.
Hold up - wait just a minute - maybe that’s exactly what the child’s mum is worried about.
But his mum never ever has to worry, because she’s the mum — and nobody could ever replace dear old mum. Not in a thousand million years. ❤️ And now I miss both my Mum and my Nana.

It's really hard. I feel for you. All I can say is, you only did what you did with good intentions so don't beat yourself up. As others and you yourself have said your DIL might also be finding life hard and needs routine to cope.
Relationships with adult children and their partners can be very tricky!
Do what you can to keep the contact going. Apologise again, keep your opinions to yourself unless asked directly and get through this and in a few years they might be less fragile and desperate to send the boys to stay for example to go on a little mini break by themselves.

Right so actually you don’t have a good relationship with either of them and yet you think your way of raising children is the only right way? Get off your high horse, OP.

So they've just moved into a new house. Getting child to sleep in his new room with dad normally in the room you are in.
I don't understand the logic of taking him downstairs nearer the parents finally back sleeping together with their 7month old.
If you wanted to help properly you could have taken the kid back to his room and made him feel safe and warm where he'll be sleeping night after night.

I found some old threads of mine recently, my MIL was actually quite obstructive, determined to be the world's best grandma too soon. A whole load of eye rolling imaginary wonderland adventures on a flying sofas at night would have been her idea of being the fun grandma.
Grandma's bedtime stories became so long winded at one point, it became a threat if they were kept awake but wanted to sleep.

Can you not apologise again but really think did you let the grown ups down by not supporting your grandson to sleep in his new room.

I have co slept with my boys aged 7 and 3. But I think you should have realised that your son and DIL are doing things differently. You are subtly judging the way they do things and feigning innocence. In that situation I would have known that the correct thing would be to take your grandson back to his room, got him back in his sleeping bag and given him a cuddle to warm him up, and place him in his cot. You’re not respecting how they do things.

I agree. DS has a fantastic relationship with both sets of grandparents and it has had huge benefits to us all.

I suspect DIL only thinks the relationship with her parents are important and just doesn’t like OP. Maybe OP has been a bit annoying but how sad if DIL is so rigid her children miss out on an important relationship.

I was a child in the 1960's, no central heating, windows iced up inside, blanket plus coats on top when really cold. This was normal for my generation, fost bite was not an issue.
I remember my mum wanting to be 'fun' granny, she was far from it and her unpredictable way unsettled my nieces.
If I have read your replies correctly you raised 4 children but your son from age 6-12 [0-6 and 12 onwards with his dad] he may think you have a bit of a cheek, he may not think his childhood was happy.
200 miles away you could find yourself faded out if you can't find a way to rein it in. Your advice/comments are obviously unwanted and you are too stubborn to see it. You will be the only loser here.

If the child was cold, I would have got him an extra blanket and put him back to bed. I suspect that there's a big backstory to this, OP. It could be that it took a lot of effort and time to settle the child into routines so they want consistency. You sound unreasonable to me. Just give them breathing space for now and back off. Everyone will calm down in time.

I’d be furious too if you took my child downstairs in the night as she previously had a habit of crying to go down and it took us a lot of perseverance to get her to stay in her bed. You might have been there that night but you won’t be every night meaning the parents will have to deal with him.

Did you think that she couldn’t have thought of that herself? She did, she decided it wasn’t in their best interests. You suggested it anyway. My MIL does the same and it really irritates me. She knows we stick to nap and meal times but makes ‘helpful’ suggestions like this all the time. Just back off!!

Fwiw - my toddler will only nap for half hour in the pram and then my WHOLE afternoon is ruined because shes overtired. She’ll have her reasons for parenting the way she wants, stop comparing your parenting styles, it’s unnecessary and unhelpful.

Op would definitely have still got into trouble with a blanket.
The dil already accused op of saying the house was cold when she tried to explain.

Are the kids close together in age and quite young? I ask as my parenting style to an only is different to my sisters for example, as she has two a year apart snd so two little ones.

She can't do what I do and go out for the day and know my son will nap in his pram etc, hers dont nap in the pram for one. If your sons working long hours then managing two, for some people the routine is a way to cope and brings some logic to their day, and gives the kids a routine they know so go to sleep well and eat well. Perhaps this is the case for her and it works for their family. If I've learned anything from becoming a parent it is that what works for one doesn't work for another, children are different, circumstances are different, so many factors. My way of raising my son isn't how my sister is doing it and neither is right or wrong, it's what works for each family, and when I look after my niece and nephew I stick to her routine as that's what the children know and what she and her husband want. And tbh, her kids sleep way better than my cosleeper 😅

Can you come and be grandma to my kids, please? I’d love it if someone else resettled my toddler in the night. I’m amazed at their reaction to this, the toddler went to you, but they wanted you to wake them up? I guess if they believe that consistency is important they’re trying to teach him something. But the cold hands and feet are a worry. Some people really don’t like feeling challenged. I think your best course of action is to apologise, say you thought they’d prefer not to be woken, but next time you’ll wake them as you can’t know how they’d want things done in every scenario. And apologise profusely to maintain access and relationship. I’d hope they’d relax as they get older. And check their requirements. If DIL was expecting you back for lunch and you stayed out longer that could be unsettling.

I think if I was your DIL I would appreciate a bunch of flowers with a simple note saying that I’m sorry for upsetting her and that I think she’s a wonderful mum and doing a fabulous job.

She sounds like a perfectionist to me and is clearly doing her best, even if you feel some aspects of her parenting style are too rigid or whatever. Perhaps she just needs to feel valued and praised by you without any ifs and buts.