I think I've just been banned from seeing my grandchildren!

[TiredRetired]

My parenting was different from the way my DIL is bringing up my two grandsons but that is not usually a problem. They are happy little boys.
Background; I had my 4 kids in the 1980s/1990s. I read the Continuum Concept and never looked back. We co-slept. Breastfed until natural weaning. Home educated second youngest until ready for school.
DIL was given lots of help by me to b'feed ( asked for) which she does diligently but not sure she really enjoys it. She sticks rigidly to meal & nap times which we have to come home for. I have always stuck up for her when other family members have rolled their eyes at this because they seem happy in the routine. I will occasionally get a lecture - for instance I once kept eldest out past meal time because we had stopped at a cafe. I texted not to worry about lunch but was told in no uncertain terms to come back immediately
I visited a few days ago in their new house they've just moved to. I was sleeping in the dormer bedroom opposite my 3 yr old grandson. He arrived in my room about midnight having undone his sleeping bag, climbed out of his cot and come through. It was cold in the rooms (corners often are) and his hands and feet were like ice. I know they don't like co-sleeping so I grabbed the duvet and took him downstairs to snuggle on the couch and warm him up. Just did not occur to me to put him back in his cot like that.
To cut a long story my son came through and said, I'll take him Mum. Suspected I'd done the wrong thing as he was quite short with me.
Got a lecture in the morning from DIL as though I was a small child myself and I'm afraid it went badly. After listening a bit I said "of course I'll do what you want in your house but my parenting was different to yours so it can be a bit difficult for me to know what to do here. I'm not 12 yrs old and I've brought up 4 kids. Can I not be the Grandma that's a bit different because after all, you're the biggest influence on them ( that's a precis of my side of it)
She was really angry and said she can't see how I can continue to visit and she doesn't know what else she has to do...
You get the picture?
I am heartbroken. Don't know at the moment now to fix this. I apologised and said of course in your house, your rules but there's something broken now

If they accept you back into their lives, you have to respect their rules. Not find wars to break them. It if their child, not yours, and regardless of whether you agree or disagree you must respect them op.

of course there are two sides to every story however they are the parents not you
it doesnt make sense to take him down stairs, he needed to get back to bed. as well as to take him to a cafe when it was his bedtime
i am sure you are not banned however.

I'm guessing they have child gates at the top of the stairs? How was their child to let them know he was cold and couldn't sleep (had you not been there for him)? Just be left to cry for them? Also they've just moved into a new house so are probably not aware of just how cold his room gets at night so her response to you on that was a bit scratchy. However, as a person of rigid routines she must be very stressed with the chaos of a house move, a baby, a visitor and everything still being at sixes and sevens. It was probably the worst possible time to go against the grain with them.

I think the resentment has been simmering for a while and that for them this was the nail in the coffin in a long line of things you've said or done that has crossed their boundaries so yes, you might find that you are out in the cold for a bit. Maybe write a letter offering fulsome apologies? I was very much more of your parenting style (a routine of sorts but totally flexible if something popped up) but you absolutely must respect and be sensitive to her way of bringing up her kids. She has a way of living her life and the routine with the kids fits in with that. Just as flexible people find rigid routine anathema, the reverse is true. Both ways have their good and bad points.

You mentioned your older grandson and going out into the lanes at yours to hear owls via ipad? That's not the 3 Yr old is it? Maybe they will be able to come and stay with you at some point when they're a little older so hang in there.

You sound so patronising. Do you realise how you come across? If this is how you behave towards her in real life, I don’t blame her for distancing herself from you.

@TiredRetired I’ve just read you were a breadfeeding coach. Make so much sense I always hated the the NCT breastfeeding push (I did breastfeed, no I didn’t enjoy it! Who does?) I always felt so judged! I can totally see how your dil is fed up. Also your kids are grown ups your parenting style is absolutely irrelevant you are not raising children anymore. You need to work on adult- parental relations now.

I can tell that you love your family and want the best for them, but at the same time an attitude of judgment and knowing better does seep through almost everything you say.

Really the way you parented shouldn’t even come into this phase of life. You aren’t the parent, you aren’t parenting these children. Someone else is, and as much as you want to be yourself around them you do have to respect the way their parents have chosen to do things.

Your son and DIL are following the informed, evidence backed, official Lullaby trust advice about safe sleep by the sounds of it. They advise as they do for a reason and it saves lives.

I hope things can be repaired.

That response sounds like she finds you critical.

At midnight, you should have taken him back to bed after a cuddle. Found him an extra blanket. Failing that take him to his parents.

This post feels very critical of your DIL and her parenting choices. So what if she doesn’t necessarily enjoy breastfeeding? I can’t see why that’s relevant? And so what if she prefers to use a strict routine? I imagine she knows what works best for her children and family.

To be honest, it seems like you’re annoyed because she’s doing things differently to how you’d do them. You seem bitter for having to follow her way. “I brought up four children” doesn’t mean you know best. Best practice and guidance has changed since your day.

This. Spot on. Take note OP!

That's ridiculous
Over-involved?
Get a dictionary

You cannot win, obviously
And as a grandmother, you'll never win on this site. You'll be told that 'they are not YOUR children, so keep out'
Then of course, you'll be told that you don't support the family enough...

This part stood out to me like a sore thumb: 'she said 'she doesn't know what else she has to do'.'

Why would she say this, unless this was a repeat occurrence, OP? Be honest now, have you crossed their parenting boundaries before (besides keeping them out past mealtimes)? Because that sounds like the sentence of someone at the end of their tether and who has tried to be firm, and it's falling on deaf ears.

There is nothing more infuriating that a person coming into your home and repeatedly crossing your boundaries and rules in your home. Moreover, when pulled up about it, arguing the case and saying essentially along the lines of 'Can I not just do it my way, because, grandma'. Worse still when it involves someone's children - people are fierce when it comes to their kids.

Perhaps if you respected their boundaries more, they'd eventually come to give you more benefit of the doubt. Just an idea.

Some people are overly controlling of their kids. Not much you can do than adhere to it, if you want a relationship with them, really. Don't worry about disagreeing with mum so much, they're her kids, not yours. You had your time.

It's not your place to in any way argue with their rules around their kids. That's what would get me. I'm not about to overly and repeatedly, explain myself to someone. Couldn't be doing with the grief tbh.

Enjoy your time with your grandkids and stop pushing boundaries because you feel you know better, let them crack on with it.

You can support the family, without pushing peoples boundaries. There is such a thing, you know.

Children get cold if they get out of their duvet, sleeping bag etc, just like adults do. If an adult can’t work out that they need to get back in their sleeping bag/duvet, well thats particularly worrying. No adult should need another adult to help them work this out, does that adult lay in bed cold if their own duvet comes off? No, of course they don’t, so why pretend they don’t know what to do when someone elses comes off.

My husbands grandma pretends to be stupid as a way of getting away with purposely interfering, she chooses to act that way, so she’d choosing to spend less time with the kids. If she wanted to spend more time with the she wouldn’t purposely undermine us and then pretend she’s too stupid to understand what she should have done.

Ruling out people’s advice and opinons before even reading them, on the assumption that you’ll never “win” because you’re the grandmother. Literally proving the point that you assume you know best and will ignore anything else that is said. The irony.

'It's a shame she's not enjoying the experience. That's all'

She doesn't have to enjoy breastfeeding and there is no shame in this!! You are insufferable.

It's none of your business is she breastfeeds or not, or it is DEFINITELY not your business to be making such snide remarks on her choices.

Your grandson being cold probably sounds like an excuse or further judgement to her.

Waiting a little and apologising again unconditionally (without making excuses, not „if you feel I“) is your best bet, I suspect.

I would however strongly urge you to reframe this as issue. This is not you vs your DIL. This is you having a conflict with your grandson‘s parents. Which obviously includes your son!

😂😂😂😂
If you say so, dearie

Do they even make baby sleeping bags to fit a 3 year old?

I don’t understand why a 3 year old is still in a cot and not allowed a blanket - the risks of suffocation from a blanket are surely far less than the risks of injury from him climbing out of the cot whilst in a sleeping bag?

This is so sad and ott. Whatever the ins or outs OP was just trying to comfort her poor, cold grandchild.

To be banned from visiting over this just sounds ridiculous and ott and DIL doesn't sound very nice at all really.

Can you imagine telling your kids in ten years "oh we don't see granny anymore because she once took you downstairs when you were a bit cold in the night".

Even if op is a bit interfering then it is a very petty reason to deprive your child of a loving, involved grandparent.

Also, from PP Artistbythewater: 'An orderly life is exactly what your son has chosen. Maybe he didn’t enjoy his childhood with no rules and likes the anchor of routine and boundaries. Otherwise he would be raising his child differently.'

This is a really good point. Many of us adopt how NOT to parent, as a result of how we were parented. We take the parts we feel were beneficial, but also look back and think/decide 'I'm never going to do X with my kids, it wasn't good for me'.

Certainly myself and OH have a fucking great list of things we will never do with our children, though in fairness both our upbringings sucked massively, despite our parents efforts. There are titbits of positivity we (or more so, I) have taken from my childhood however, that I also will do with mine.

No parent is perfect OP, and you're not exempt from that.

Oh, and if you're really keen to know what you're doing wrong with your DIL, stop offering any advice - you say it's subtle, the evidence of the situation you've now found yourself in shows you're wrong, and DIL is well aware of your 'subtle' suggestive behaviour. Be there if she asks. Stop offering where she doesn't; it's not wanted and you're being a pain by doing this.

Am I the only one that finds it really difficult to warm up again once they’re cold? Especially in the night or when you’re tired? When I’m alsone in bed I get an extra blanket and a jumper but usually at the beginning of the night / to get properly warmed up because the bedding is so cold when I first get in.

But usually I just get close to my DP / enjoy some cuddling until I and my blanket are properly warmed up😅

(which isn’t the point of this thread. OP has been judging her DIL for quite some time. She probably thought her OP was non-judgemental, which most likely means that she was not able to hide her judgement in real life either… So even if the DGS was indeed cold, it most likely simply sounded like additional judgement and excuses.)

This is pathetic. Many posters here are seeing the problem with OP and have tried to help. Lots of grandparents manage to get on well and have a good relationship with their adult children and partners. The fact you see it as winning/losing says a lot.

That's not the reason they won't be seeing Granny anymore though, is it? That's a very infantilised and bias depiction of the events.

If Granny stops seeing them, it's because she can't keep her beak out, as so many can't, and can't be trusted to just follow routine with the kids. Trust is a pretty big thing with your kids I reckon. Matters not a jot if Granny agrees with those rules she's being trusted with or not. All parents know is, Granny can't be trusted not to flout the routine/rules when she feels like it, and one day it might be with something really bloody important. Like the Grans that can't stop feeding their grandkids sugar despite the parents best pleas..