Who do I put first .. My wife or me..

[Riddledwithguilt]

My wife is an alcoholic. Has been for 20 years although as a non drinker I didn't clock it for about 5 years into our marriage.. because God knows how - but she held down an incredibly responsible job. But over the last few years it has caught up with her .

She has been to a couple of rehab type places - think AA and one other community thing but never really committed. I gave up trying and just decided that this was my life.

She could no longer work from about 5'years ago. Sacked from her last job because of drinking.. and basically gave up.. no longer drives after a drink drive etc and easier not to.

Sex has been non existent for 7 years.. because she is uninterested..

Two weeks ago one of my closest women friends declared her interest.. she is divorced and 'free'

However .. my wife now has alcoholic dementia. Early stages. Still has a degree of cognitive function.. told her it's now or never .. there is a way back (to a degree) but only if she stops drinking.. she has said she would rather live her life as she wishes .. no matter how short ..

I have been sexually dormant for so long because I knew it couldn't happen .. and now it's there . and I want it ! (Sorry if that's too brutal)

I will NEVER leave her . BUT I have about 5 years of dementia care in front of me.. which I WILL do no matter what - until physically impossible..

But I want sex .. I am 57.. my wife is 60..

AIBU to want sex with a woman who understands the situation and knows my wife will always be my first priority.. but most of all .. I vowed ' forsaking ALL others ' and ' in sickness and in health' .. ??

I will NEVER leave her

You should.

Leave your wife. You’ve got one life. You are likely more than two thirds through it. Make the most - you could have some really happy years ahead of you.

If you are miserable or if she is abusive then you should leave.

If you're prepared to stick it out and look after her then I say go for it, have sex with the other woman. You deserve some happiness.

You should have divorced your wife a long time ago. She has betrayed your marriage vows. your wife is an addict who puts alcohol ahead of her relationship with you. Staying with her only keeps her from suffering the full consequences of her own choices.

You should leave her now instead of seeking a secondary relationship.

Frankly I think it's pathetic to ask for permission to cheat and complicate everyone's life because you're top weak to make a decisive decision and want to be a passenger in life. It doesn't make you a good guy.

Its not about you or your wife. There are only selfish reasons for dragging another poor souldninto this shitshow.

Sorry OP but having you there to look after her is facilitating her drinking. You should leave and then you are free to pursue a relationship with someone. If your wife has alcoholic dementia it's likely she will deteriorate quickly and unlikely to survive 5 more years if she continues to drink.

Get a divorce. Stop justifying cheating on hour wife.

Thank you for your support .. it's truly appreciated.

As ever.. it's never that simple.. she is the victim of early childhood trauma.. with alcoholic parents.. and in her brief periods of sobriety, really loves me. And most of all NEEDS me for her day to day life.. I WILL NEVER EVER LEAVE HER .. (in caps just to be sure)

My 'friend' ( weird to say but has actually been a genuine friend for 17 years) has only recently declared her feelings.. and suddenly a light has been turned on.. a light I thought has been long since extinguished.. and I don't know if I should snuff it out.. I really don't want to because to have someone desire me after so long ...

You should divorce her and be happy while you can.

You can still support your wife as a friend but you shouldn’t waste your own life.
An affair is not fair to anyone involved here.

Your options are divorce you wife and have sex with the new woman, or stay married to your wife and cut off this woman. personally id go for the divorce. You are clearly not helping your wife.

You have one life to live and you should live it. Your wife's primary relationship is with alcohol and she will not change this.

Thank you. This is exactly my reason for posting.

BUT .. You think I should leave my extremely unwell wife for another woman .. even though she won't understand why and have NO support ? Her kids have already given up ...

Sorry but no.. I cannot let her die alone and confused on the way to that .

I'm sorry you've had to go through this op. It's a really difficult position to be in with a lot of memory and emotions and complexities involved. I understand why it's not as simple as just walking away easily, but I do agree with others that it may be the best thing to do. I think you should walk away, end the marriage and then allow yourself to be happy and enjoy the rest of your life. If you still feel the need to provide some support then I would but only with clear boundaries and only as a friend.

If you decide to stay with your wife then unfortunately I think you honour all your vows and you choose to stay with her fully until the end.

To be honest it sounds like you've been in a caregivers role probably for longer than you've realised. Alcoholism and trauma are awful things for anyone to have to deal with, I do feel sorry for your wife. But ultimately op she is making a choice not to seek help and while that's her decision to make, it does have a massive impact on your life as well and to me, that means you have to decide what road you're taking. Either you're 100% committed to seeing this out no matter what, or you end it and you try to support her from a distance or not at all.

Do you have children? Are there any other friends or family she can lean on?

Very few people will tell you to have an affair. If you know you’re going to do it anyway and won’t divorce your wife first I don’t know why you’ve bothered to post. To match your caps:

IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT YOUR WIFE IS AN ADDICT
ALL ADDICTS HAVE A SAD BACK STORY
YOU’VE SUFFERED ENOUGH

GO BE HAPPY.

She clearly doesn't care enough about you to even try to stop drinking. She has caused her medical problems through her own choices, so you should not feel responsible for her. She's also a drunk driver, and I'm sorry, but anybody who drives drunk is not a good person. Get out while you can. Don't be miserable the rest of your life. You've given it your all and nothing helped. So you can walk away knowing you did your best.

Oh, and btw, sex is the least of your problems. Why is the focus on sex when you live with a hopeless addict?
Do you have any idea how exhausting and depressing dementia care is? You will damage your mental health, all because she chooses to keep drinking.

What advice would you give to your son if he was in this situation ?

Put yourself first

If I were you I would take your good friend up on her 'offer'. She obviously knows your circumstances and as long as you make it clear to her that a proper relationship isn't possible at the moment who would you be hurting?

My honest advice is go for it.

This place is wholly sanctimonious most of the time.

Sometimes you just need to do what you need to do to survive. I can completely understand why you can’t leave your wife. And sometimes it just is what it is. But finding no strings sex might be easier than what is currently being proposed, the key question is how much feelings for this other woman may consume you both.

I tend to feel the same, even though I don’t want to advocate an affair. But I appreciate that you don’t want your wife to die alone in state care despite her not treating you very well.

But 5years of caring for someone with ARBD - how do you know 5, couldn’t it be longer? Sounds incredibly hard going, and what if you and this other woman develop strong feelings for one another during this time?

Leave.

You don't deserve this.

In sickness and in health, yeah, but she's choosing alcoholism. So choose YOU.

Genuine question, but is this friend going to be okay with essentially being the other woman that you will never leave your wife for? You are never going to prioritise her over your very ill, but very selfish, wife, so is she okay with that, or is she wanting you to have a proper relationship and assume you would leave your extremely unhappy relationship?

Are you going to be honest with your wife?

Nobody really likes a martyr. Your wife is responsible for her own choices and you have enabled her, however well-intentioned you were.

Kindly, get some therapy for yourself.