Who do I put first .. My wife or me..

[Riddledwithguilt]

My wife is an alcoholic. Has been for 20 years although as a non drinker I didn't clock it for about 5 years into our marriage.. because God knows how - but she held down an incredibly responsible job. But over the last few years it has caught up with her .

She has been to a couple of rehab type places - think AA and one other community thing but never really committed. I gave up trying and just decided that this was my life.

She could no longer work from about 5'years ago. Sacked from her last job because of drinking.. and basically gave up.. no longer drives after a drink drive etc and easier not to.

Sex has been non existent for 7 years.. because she is uninterested..

Two weeks ago one of my closest women friends declared her interest.. she is divorced and 'free'

However .. my wife now has alcoholic dementia. Early stages. Still has a degree of cognitive function.. told her it's now or never .. there is a way back (to a degree) but only if she stops drinking.. she has said she would rather live her life as she wishes .. no matter how short ..

I have been sexually dormant for so long because I knew it couldn't happen .. and now it's there . and I want it ! (Sorry if that's too brutal)

I will NEVER leave her . BUT I have about 5 years of dementia care in front of me.. which I WILL do no matter what - until physically impossible..

But I want sex .. I am 57.. my wife is 60..

AIBU to want sex with a woman who understands the situation and knows my wife will always be my first priority.. but most of all .. I vowed ' forsaking ALL others ' and ' in sickness and in health' .. ??

It says everything about her and nothing about you. She is totally self-centered. Addicts are like that. You should consider attending Al-Anon meetings to at least get some support some people who know what you're going through. Getting some outside sex is not going to fix this problem. It's like putting a Band-Aid on a sucking chest wound.

I think this other lady would turn into a relationship and then you would find yourself in tricky ground for everyone. I also find it suspicious that now she's 'free' she's declared her attraction to you - what is her motivation? You sound like a lovely bloke but also abit 'too nice' where I can see you getting taken advantage of, as your wife seems to have done.

How much capacity does your wife have? If she has capacity enough to weigh up the risks around continuing to drink and remembers this then I think she would have the capacity to understand you no longer wished to have a 'marriage' with her but are willing to maintain the friendship and caring role.

If she had zero capacity and this is unlikely to change then I think that's then your decision around what you feel happy to do, move on or remain her husband. She may end up in a care home, I think you need to psychologically decide where your at with this relationship. Only you can make that decision.

Personally, I wouldn't do anything until I had the above straight in my head and I couldn't be romantically involved with another person until I had done.

Mate, your wife won’t care if it’s you or a carer keeping her going. She really won’t. Her brain’s fried, esp the bits re other people and love. Ask a neurologist if you don’t believe me.

Get her used to carers, get POA and leave. There’s a happy ending here - don’t let alcohol ruin another life.

Hi OP, I am so sorry you find yourself in this difficult situation.

I am a recovering alcoholic and it took me many years and relapses to get well. One thing that caught my eye about your post was this:

She has been to a couple of rehab type places - think AA and one other community thing

correct me if I’m wrong, but it sounds like she hasn’t been to an actual rehab?

While AA and community things (Turning Point, perhaps?) can be very helpful tools to get better and maintain sobriety, I know a lot of people - self included - needed a “real” rehab to fully break the cycle. I’m talking inpatient/residency program, medical oversight, and intense therapy for at least a month (sometimes several months).

I know your wife says she doesn’t want to stop drinking - and I of all people know that no one can stop unless they want to. However, could it be that because she’s tried AA/community groups before with no results, she feels that another attempt would be destined to fail and she is avoiding it because of this? “I’ve tried stopping before and I’ve never managed so why would it work now?” Perhaps a more “radical” option would give her the hope she could actually turn a corner and succeed?

Not sure what the form is for patients who have progressed into dementia, but her GP should be a good starting point to get this figured out.

the most living thing you can do is to live the woman who has turned your light in and let her help you to love your wife: people will be all biblical and moralistic but none of that works really here - embrace the live and let it help you to have the strength to love your wife - don’t leave her - you know you will do such harm to your soul

All of the lives are loves etc can

Put yourself first. Your wife didn't think twice about putting herself first when drinking, nor should you.

You've sacrificed enough of your life on someone who frankly didn't give a hoot about you. I get that you don't want to divorce and want to continue caring for your wife, that's good of you. Have your fling otherwise you might regret it, missed opportunities etc. I think the time to leave your wife has been and gone, she's too ill now, won't cope/understand etc.

I know what the form is. Once dementia is evident, if the person stops drinking it can slow it down or stop it getting any worse. If they don’t, they get worse. VIT B12 shots can help, but not always.

Often the brain damage is so bad
they forget they’re an alcoholic and sober up that way, or if their liver’s gone they might die before that.

Quite a lot of people do forget they drink and their body recovers, but there are still
holes in the brain, which means years and years in care homes.

Care homes charge extra cos ARBD dementia isn’t Alzheimer’s, it’s a lot worse. The bills are horrifying.

Warning: sobriety isn’t a magic bullet.

OP will still be left with a brain-damaged, low IQ human who has ‘no empathy’ to put it tactfully. Doctors only treat the sober ones but there’s no cure cos brains don’t grow back. Quite often doctors refuse to see ARBD patients.

OP, anything’s worth a try, but you may find your wife has gone. I’m so terribly sorry.

@Riddledwithguilt

You need to prioritise YOU. And do what you think is right for your life.
Yes - you should have divorced a long time ago - but that ship has sailed.

As long as your friend is Ok with the set-up - just live your life with her. Take care of your W - for the next few years until she needs to go to a facility, or dies. It is her choice to kill herself slowly.

You dedicated most of your life to caring for someone who didnt put you first.
You deserve happiness too. if your relationship with the friend develops further - its a good thing. You two can have a future together. You have no future with your W.

All the people on here telling you to stick to the black/white rules of how life ‘should’ be have not walked in your shoes.
It is your life. Your choice.

You have to secure your own oxygen mask before helping others. It is ok to look to your own needs if no one else will.

In a healthy marriage of course you would put your wife first - and could do so safely in the knowledge that she was putting you first. But your wife has not forsaken all others - she has chosen the bottle over you, time after time.

It's ok for you to start building your new life and run it parallel to your old life, if your new friend is willing and understands. Be honest and don't hide it. Make sure your wife is as safe and comfortable as possible, you are obliged to look out for her welfare as far as possible, but emotionally - well it wasn't you that broke the marriage.

You need to either leave her, or ...well, you'll cheat. And it's not fair on her. Do you have kids?

Agree with this

This whole thread seems like Russian disinformation. Justine should look at how the Soviets have leveraged Western culture to annihilate itself since forever

Wrong thread?

Agree.
Life is rarely that simple, but give it a try, at least.

Absolutely go for it. You’ve been putting your wife first for far too long. You deserve some love, care and happiness, which you’ve been denied for too long. I don’t think it matters if this potential relationship turns into something meaningful. You’re your alcoholic wife’s carer, nothing more and you don’t even live together. I know someone, who is deteriorating from serious alcoholism. It’s such a cruel thing to see his wife and children full of anxiety.

As you are separated just go ahead and forge a relationship with this new lady. You can still support your wife through this but her actions even if due to illness mean you don't really owe her fidelity. Alcoholism is dreadful but carers also need to carve out a life for themself.

@Riddledwithguilt Alcoholism is a dreadful condition, raddles the brain, and damages the liver.

Many years ago, as a teenager, I knew of an older woman - she looked about 60, but could have been 40- maybe less.

I called around, someone let me in, and said she was in bed. {middle of day}
Th eight of that bedroom will haunt me for ever.

She was sprawled on a bed, in her outdoor clothes that had probably been slept in for days- on a urine drenched bed.

the urine stench was so strong- it dripped slowly and heavily from the mattress and pooled on the floor in a reeking crystalline puddle.

This poor woman had borrowed a small amount of money from me- and I'd gone to get it back.

She was completely un~rousable, dead to the World.

I had never seen someone live like that.

Your wife is probably beyond realistic help.

As to the affair- That's up to you.

Edit...to be fair, She {the alcoholic} did give my money back- I expect she is dead now.
I hope she is at peace. 🙏

I don’t think cheating will help you or the friend. It sounds like the friend is rebounding, if you’re going to be doing dementia care you won’t really be available to her, either.

I think you need to consider leaving your wife. This isn’t fair to her. You think you’re doing her a favor but I’m not sure that’s the case. She’s still fairly young and I’m not convinced she wouldn’t improve with some inpatient treatment.

Your wife should be medically detoxed and then you should go from there. AA and community support aren’t really enough for a long time drinker. They need to present at the hospital and detox under medical supervision (if not the DTsseizures can kill them.)

Your wife never really got a proper chance to be clean because she hasn’t even sought the correct treatment yet. I’m from a family of alcoholics. Please get her to a hospital where they can put her on a pathway to a real medical detox.

You’ve created this situation in your head that’s very black and white: you will not do X and only Y can reasonably happen. That’s not true. You should look up some Al Anon literature which will teach you things like feelings are not facts, grey areas exist, and you do not have all the answers.

You think you know the only possible ways this might play out, but you don’t. Please consider implementing what I’m saying. There’s a chance it can make life better for you and your wife.

My mother always insisted she had to drink to get to sleep. She is now almost 70 and no longer drinks. She still lives independently. Your wife may bounce back better than you imagine. But no one will ever know if you don’t give her the opportunity to. Please take her to the hospital for detox.

Put yourself first, in whatever way you choose and if I were you I'd tell your wife the truth, I will stay with you and look after you until it becomes impossible, but I'm going to start living my own life from now on, you have refused to make our life better and so I need to do that for myself.

I’m sorry but you just do not know this. Alcoholism IS dreadful but with the correct treatment people do improve. For a long term alcoholic like what OP is describing AA isn’t enough. They need a medically supervised detox. The body gets so dependent on alcohol that quitting cold turkey can cause seizures that kill you.

AA or community support groups won’t be enough for her. She needs to present at A&E tell them honestly what’s happening. They can detox her safely by checking on her regularly and giving her meds that will keep her stable.

I’m very happy for people who’ve never lived with an alcoholic. I’ve lived with 2: my mom and my brother. My brother has a job and is running for fitness again, which was unthinkable a couple years ago when he was homeless. He lives in Boulder CO which is very health conscious. I never would’ve thought it was possible for him to get this stable.

My mother quit after she became elderly, she’s about 70 now and more present than she ever was when we were kids. She has a dog and still lives independently. She was relying on me to pay bills as a teen, she actually has a little job now in a store. I would not have believed it was possible until it happened. She’s also quit smoking.

OP actually doesn’t know that his wife is beyond recovery. The human body and spirit are more resilient than we think. Right now she has no chance but with the correct treatment she might. All of that starts with detoxing medically.

Addicts need to WANT to get 'clean and sober' though- and @Riddledwithguilt 's wife says she doesn't want that.

Her children have abandoned her after trying to help- No detox place will touch her if she doesn't want to actively get clean and sober.
There is a desperate shortage of places, and plenty of people who really want to give it a go- someone who is going to be medically detoxed, then start boozing again the minute they come out isn't going to be worth wasting resources on.

An Alcoholic I know had a 'community detox' looked after by his family, but he is drinking again.

There just aren't the funds unless one pays privately for inpatient detoxes.

OP's wife has the beginning of some form of alcohol related dementia as well, which doesn't sound good.

I totally agree. I know someone, who is now on a second enforced second medical detox. Both times it has been a medical emergency, hospital admittance or death. The problem here is if you aren’t ready to truly deal with the alcoholism, the post detox euphoria just leads you to think you can deal with it alone, especially when the brain has been affected. Two / three weeks later, once the euphoria has worn off, an untreated alcoholic will go back to drinking and you’re back to where you started.

@BeccaS12 I can imagine op has tried a lot of what you’re suggesting already. I don’t think any of what he is doing or proposing to do is unfair to his wife and in stark contrast to everything his wife has inflicted on him, his, and her family.