Who do I put first .. My wife or me..

[Riddledwithguilt]

My wife is an alcoholic. Has been for 20 years although as a non drinker I didn't clock it for about 5 years into our marriage.. because God knows how - but she held down an incredibly responsible job. But over the last few years it has caught up with her .

She has been to a couple of rehab type places - think AA and one other community thing but never really committed. I gave up trying and just decided that this was my life.

She could no longer work from about 5'years ago. Sacked from her last job because of drinking.. and basically gave up.. no longer drives after a drink drive etc and easier not to.

Sex has been non existent for 7 years.. because she is uninterested..

Two weeks ago one of my closest women friends declared her interest.. she is divorced and 'free'

However .. my wife now has alcoholic dementia. Early stages. Still has a degree of cognitive function.. told her it's now or never .. there is a way back (to a degree) but only if she stops drinking.. she has said she would rather live her life as she wishes .. no matter how short ..

I have been sexually dormant for so long because I knew it couldn't happen .. and now it's there . and I want it ! (Sorry if that's too brutal)

I will NEVER leave her . BUT I have about 5 years of dementia care in front of me.. which I WILL do no matter what - until physically impossible..

But I want sex .. I am 57.. my wife is 60..

AIBU to want sex with a woman who understands the situation and knows my wife will always be my first priority.. but most of all .. I vowed ' forsaking ALL others ' and ' in sickness and in health' .. ??

It's OK to leave.
Its not OK to cheat.

I think at minimum OP should not sneak around. If she realizes she may lose him for good it may be enough to shake her into getting help.

I would attempt an intervention with her.

It is not actually kind to lie to her and sneak around

My mother died of alcohol induced dementia. The last 20 years of her life were spent in a frail care facility and she only stopped drinking because she was physically unable to get hold of alcohol. She went into frail care in her late 50s. In your shoes I would start a relationship with your friend and start divorce proceedings. You already live separately so there will be no major upheaval for either of you. I know Mumsnet users often think an affair is the most unconscionable thing but unless you have lived with an alcoholic who is fully committed to drinking, it is hard to understand the reality.

Well your wife has made many selfish decisions over the years to continue to drink despite the effect it has had on her children, husband and no doubt wider family. I don’t see why you can’t make a selfish decision too and find a bit of happiness for yourself. However, be aware that no doubt it won’t just be uncomplicated sex now and then, you all could get hurt. I’d hold off any decisions for now until you’ve had a few sessions with a therapist. Good luck

Agree with pp. You need some space to assess your situation before deciding. I do have huge sympathy for you. Alcoholism is so, so damaging.

Your wife has “love, honoured and cherished” the alcohol, but not you.
I wouldn’t stay in this situation.

As long as the other woman knows you won’t leave your wife then go for it. You deserve a life too. Your wife has chosen alcohol over having her own life and over you. You deserve happiness wherever you can. I know everyone else is saying to leave your wife but I believe adults can make their own choices and you’ve said you don’t want to. You don’t have to but you can have a life outside your marriage too.

Your wife needs to be admitted into a facility.
She needs professional care.

I would support her fully into the care and while she cuts off the alcohol and lives there. She needs to not live with you enabling her buying the alcohol.
I think you should stay married and true to her, and not entertain an extramarital affair.
You have lived this way for years, supporting her choices.

Otherwise, seek a divorce while she stays in the facility.
You would then be free to enjoy a new relationship.

Either way, I don't think you are the best carer for your wife.

your new woman is ‘free’ but you are not, you are in a codependent relationship with your wife. staying was and remains your choice. Not a good proposition for anyone who might otherwise be interested in a relationship with you. If you want to date and/or have other things you can’t at the moment, end the relationship and live separately first.

You're enabling her by doing it all. She doesn't want a therapist, she wants a martyr like you to care for her no natter what she does or doesn't do. Personally I think you'll feel guilty having an affair and it may not be the release you're looking for.
Has this woman that's declared her feelings said she's OK with sex in-between your caring duties and coming second to your wife?

Do you really want to inflict all of this onto your close friend? You have chosen to stand by your wife, it wouldn't be fair to take advantage of your friend because you crave intimacy. Let her go and find someone who is available and will put her first.

End your relationship with your wife. You can continue a friendship with her that involves caring if that’s what you want to do, but the relationship itself can still be over.

You told her it was now or never and she chose never? Why are you putting her first if she doesn’t do the same for you?

you only get one chance at life in my opinion you should leave her.

at a push, you could talk to her and say you are not satisfied in the marriage but feel obliged to stay with her and care for her and discuss an open marriage- but doubt she’ll agree.

entering into a life of lies and secrecy and dragging someone along for the ride does not sound like the best solution.

I used to work in a Nursing Home many years ago before I started my Nurse training. Most of the residents had full blown dementia, it was surprising how many of the partners had met other people. My thoughts on fwiw is that dementia is an awfully cruel disease (not to mention the alcoholism) and that life is short. If you can get some happiness elsewhere then go for it.

I don't think addicts are one dimensional or that they can't have been good people or have zero good qualities, but ultimately she's either unwilling or unable to chose you over 5 years of alcohol. Her mind is going to crumble more and more but she might hang on far longer than 5 years, what then? My grandfather was a heavy smoker and obese and an alcoholic, and still lived to 73. I can see rationalising a few years and I can understand why you don't want to leave now she has alcohol related dementia, but you could be sacrificing many more years then that. At what point is it enough? At what point are you allowed to matter? What if you get sick, or this continues for a decade, or you fall in love with the friend? Will you regret the lost time then? I don't think you owe her fidelity, but sex with a friend could well turn into something more, and then your friend, and you wife and you could end up hurt even more than you are currently.

It’s not very fair on your “friend” is it?
If you care about her?

she will get attached to you hoping you can be together properly but remain in the shadows and a dirty secret.

Very shocked at how many posters here are telling you just to abandon your wife in a way which would likely accelerate her decline and misery and lead to earlier death, all of which the OP has to live with on his conscience? He is clearly a loving husband and it seems so callous to both involved here to so blithely advocate for full separation.

Surely if she's not interested in sex, you getting it elsewhere is the lesser of two evils. Perhaps it might be an option to discuss this all with your wife, what would she want? Unlikely I know, but in a perfect world she deserves some input on the roads that lay before her... The real issue is the woman who has approached a married man...

Totally do it. I am a bit older than you and if a chance of a new loving relationship had presented itself I would definitely have explored it. Your friend knows the score as she is also friends with your wife, she may even be able to help out and make the whole process of caring for her in her last stages less isolating for you.
You are not abandoning her which is wonderful of you, but you are taking some goodness for yourself which is fine. I don’t see where you are doing anybody any harm here and are honouring your commitments. You sound like such a lovely person, if your wife was of sound mind she would probably recommend it too!
I say go for it, gladly and with an open heart.

Your choices aren’t deceive your wife and be an adulterer or be miserable.

You can be your wife’s carer but end the relationship. You can even stay legally married - but you need to separate if your plan is to move on.

You also need to think about how you would feel I’d your friend moves on quickly - and you’ve broken your vows (which obviously means a lot to you) over a fling?

I can understand how you feel unable to leave your wife, but having no real relationship with her is awful. But do you think this friend of your only deserves to be your bit on the side when you can fit her in?

Leave. You don't owe her care.

You should leave her. Because you don't need to be a genius to work out what going to happen here. You will fall for this woman and want more snd she may too, and you'll both have your lives on hold at a time of life when you don't have as long to waste. Your situation is awful but bringing a third party in just spreads the misery to that third party. Leaving your wife now and moving forward is better than the two of you waiting for her to die. To be blunt.
As for your wife, she has chosen alcohol over you over and again, so I think you are probably over estimating how much it matters whether you stay or go. As long as she has a drink that's her priority. You're just a service creature to make that easier and keep her from rock bottom, as you have all these years. If you leave she will go on as is until she needs the professionals to take over. You can still keep an eye on her and advocate for her. That's all she needs, as a husband doesn't matter in her life now.

This isn't a marriage and I don't even really see it as cheating, I'm afraid. MN can be a deeply sanctimonious place at times. You are, to all intents and purposes, separated. You live apart and your DW, pre-dementia, chose alcohol over a functional relationship with you. That doesn't say anything about you, btw, but it says everything about what is important to her. Her primary relationship is with alcohol and she is willing to burn down the rest of her life to keep the alcohol in it. You are a saint, quite honestly, to continue being so committed to her when she made that choice. But you deserve to have a life too. She doesn't take your feelings and needs into account, yet time and again you have done so for her. Bravo! You sound like a very good husband, caring, kind and considerate. When she made her choice and you stopped living together most people would've walked away. You didn't - you continued to support her and even be sexually faithful to her - despite sex having left your marriage many years ago.

I'm glad you're having therapy - all partners of alcoholics need it. A good friend of mine found tremendous help and understanding at Al Anon, if you want to just sit and talk with others who understand and who are in the same position. But if you decide to see where things go with your friend, I wouldn't judge.

This is the perfect answer.

She couldn't help being an alcoholic in the beginning but had the support of a loving husband and the opportunities to attend rehab but she chose to not commit to giving up.

Her choices have now ruined her life, why should they ruin yours?

My husband and I are older than you and we have a great sex life as well as a loving, affectionate one and a very good life. You deserve that too.

You have to leave your wife, you've done all you can for her and she never listened to you.

You should do the right thing and divorce your wife.

You can still be there for her, support her, if you choose to.