Who do I put first .. My wife or me..

[Riddledwithguilt]

My wife is an alcoholic. Has been for 20 years although as a non drinker I didn't clock it for about 5 years into our marriage.. because God knows how - but she held down an incredibly responsible job. But over the last few years it has caught up with her .

She has been to a couple of rehab type places - think AA and one other community thing but never really committed. I gave up trying and just decided that this was my life.

She could no longer work from about 5'years ago. Sacked from her last job because of drinking.. and basically gave up.. no longer drives after a drink drive etc and easier not to.

Sex has been non existent for 7 years.. because she is uninterested..

Two weeks ago one of my closest women friends declared her interest.. she is divorced and 'free'

However .. my wife now has alcoholic dementia. Early stages. Still has a degree of cognitive function.. told her it's now or never .. there is a way back (to a degree) but only if she stops drinking.. she has said she would rather live her life as she wishes .. no matter how short ..

I have been sexually dormant for so long because I knew it couldn't happen .. and now it's there . and I want it ! (Sorry if that's too brutal)

I will NEVER leave her . BUT I have about 5 years of dementia care in front of me.. which I WILL do no matter what - until physically impossible..

But I want sex .. I am 57.. my wife is 60..

AIBU to want sex with a woman who understands the situation and knows my wife will always be my first priority.. but most of all .. I vowed ' forsaking ALL others ' and ' in sickness and in health' .. ??

She has chosen not to recover. She chose the bottle over her kids. Alcoholism is a treatable disease.

My dad died of a drug overdose. My mom is a homeless addict who lost all three of her children to foster care.

Addicts aren't helpless. They choose to drink and do drugs. It's utterly selfish.

I don't think this is fair on the friend personally. She has declared an interest and you've viewer her as good for one thing, sex. You want to stay with your wife and use her for sex, that will ruin your long friendship. Leave your wife and have a proper relationship if that's what you want, don't use her and drag her into this mess.

I agree with others that it might better to leave. But it does sound like OP's motivations is trying to do the right thing by his wife and I saw it more as asking for outside opinions rather than 'asking permission'. I'd be a bit more compassionate personally.

Oh bollocks to that really, he should grab happiness wherever he can.

simply this ^^

That says nothing about you, it is the grip of that awful, disgusting, terrible disease. I know everyone says an alcoholic will always choose alcohol above all else. I don't necessarily agree. I think the person may very well want to choose something else but alcohol does not let them. You sound very caring.

I have only very recently discovered that there is a hugely important difference in sobriety and recovery. I also now don't like to describe someone as an alcoholic because that is not who they are. They are a person with an alcoholic addiction.

You sound very caring and I wish your wife could have taken the help she needed. No one, wakes up and thinks, you know I'd just love to be an alcoholic.

My mum is in active alcohol addiction, I will not cut her out of my life because I love her and I know she is a good person. But she already is on the path to having alcohol related dementia and she is 57.

I think you can stay in her life but at a distance. As long as your friend fully understands the situation I think go for it.

As long as the friend knows you won’t leave your wife then go for it.

Says who?

You are allowing your wife to choose a life of drinking that will kill her by staying with her and facilitating this. Be leaving her, she will need to have caring services. Leave her for her own sake. Go to alcoholic support services for yourself.

I think you should leave her/get a divorce. You can still be supportive but if she needs intensive care due to her alcoholic dementia she will have better access to that as a single person (the system will rely on you to step up if you are married) and you can have a life, possibly a relationship that could last 30 years with a new person.

It sounds as though you’ve had a difficult 15 years. You do not need to martyr yourself because of vows made 20 years ago where she was less than honest with you about her drinking issues. I appreciate alcoholism is a disease, but the consequences of her drinking are self-inflicted. You have been collateral damage in her life. I’d separate/divorce now but remain a caring friend. After all - it’s only friendship (of a sort) that you have between you now anyway?

Are there grown up children in this situation?

your wife chose alcohol not you/the family.

start divorce - go be happy

I think the other woman deserves to have all of you. You deserve to have your own life and your wife deserves to find who she is by herself or continue her love affair with alcohol

you can still support and be a friend to your ex wife when you have left her

I couldn’t ever do that to a friend regardless of what they’ve done. She could go sleep with any man but she chooses her best friends DH? It’s selfish and the worst possible betrayal

Since you are already "semi-detached", I really don't see why you can't have a loving relationship with your friend, while still caring for your wife as you are. To be brutally honest, your wife won't have much time left if she carries on as she is.
Why deny yourself this chance of happiness when your wife has already chosen alcohol over her marriage and her own children?
This will be a relationship built on compromise and with a sadness at its heart, but you both love and understand your wife, and recognise the reality. You won't be protecting your friend from anything by keeping her at arms length, you'll just be denying yourselves a second chance of a full and loving relationship.

I think you owe your dying wife some respect and cheating isn't respectful.

If you think that veing respectful means you should stay, fine, do that.

But don't you dare act like a martyr who has a binary choice of leaving her alone to die or cheating and caring for her. Those aren't the only two options and yoh know it.

And i should add that your new woman deserves more than being a bit on the side for a number of years. How on earth do you think she will remember these times?

Life is too short for monogamy.

But if there aren't kids involved I would just leave your wife, she's chosen her bed and you're throwing away years of your life on it.

And I should add that your new woman deserves more than being a bit on the side for a number of years. How on earth do you think she will remember these times

Yep. It doesn't sound to me as if the new woman just wants a "no strings" sexual relationship. She clearly has feelings for you but you're just thinking of yourself.

Whilst to a degree it is admirable that you don't want to leave your wife. What you're proposing is giving each woman half of yourself. Which isn't fair on either of them. You'll be getting all your needs fulfilled but what about them?

If you're adamant you can't/won't leave your wife, then it's not a fair position to put the other woman in. She needs to be free to find someone who can give their whole selves to her.

Many here have no idea what alcoholism is. It is a physical addiction to alcohol. Extremely hard to quit esp after decades. She did not choose alcoholism over her husband and marriage. Alcoholism chose her. Propensity can be inherited and if you have deep childhood trauma, mental health issues, it is extremely hard to kick it. Nobody chooses addictions. People quit serious addictions when they are mentally ready. Some will die trying because they do not have the mental health to be ready and motivated to quit.

Having said that, dear OP you are within your right to put yourself first. It is hard to see your situation from this little info what would be best, do it "behind her back" or try to have it out in the open. Let's suppose you do it in secret. Will she notice at all? If she is so far gone now she won't notice I do not see why you could not go ahead and have that relationship with your friend while you care for your wife. You need companionship which a seriously ill person battling alcoholism dementia probably at this stage now unable to provide and obviously the sex would be nice. I do not know how long your wife has left if she continues down this path but caring for her will be tough. You need some time away from your caring responsibilities and you need some normal human relationships.

I can also imagine a scenario, if she still cares and not that far gone, where she will be hurt. In this case, from your wife's perspective it might seem a double blow, not only she is gravely ill and because of that unable to give you what you want but she might also feel you betray her and your marriage. She has been through a lot mentally. Maybe she blames herself for her inability to quit, feels guilty, has low self-esteem etc. If you go behind her back and she finds out it might make things worse for her?

Have you ever discussed this with her? Would it be an option at all to have it all in the open rather than behind her back? She might consent for you to have a sexual relationship with someone else while you stay with her and care for her. Esp if she is unable to quit drinking. Such a tough situation to be in. So sorry. All the best to you both.

Things are never back and white. I get that you obviously really love her wife and don’t want to leave her. But would she leave you if she knew what you were planning?

I think you need to be upfront with her. Tell her that you want to stay in the marriage but have sexual needs. See what she has to say about it. Maybe she would be OK with you having these needs fulfilled elsewhere if she still has your love and support. If she wouldn’t then you have a choice to make, or she has a choice to make.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

I think you need counselling to accept your marriage is over, however much you don't wish that to be the case. Nobody should ever feel like 2nd best especially when it's 2nd to alcohol, drugs or anything else. Your wife has clearly decided that she would rather drink that and put her own needs first than even consider a compromise and think of your happiness. For your own sanity leave and start living a life that makes you happy.

I don’t think marriage should be about being a martyr tbh. You sign up for in sickness and in health but honestly I don’t think it covers self inflicted illnesses, trauma or not. The contract of marriage is being there for each other equally, not one giving it all up and the other taking.

personally it doesn’t sound like you have a marriage worth saving and you deserve, as everyone does, to have a meaningful relationship . That doesn’t mean you can’t still love and support her but it will just be in a different way.

Have you given any thought to the other woman ?
She would be hanging around in the background getting a part time you.
Also how can she Love your wife ?? She's trying to have an affair with her husband.

I say got for it, but make sure the friend is aware of your intentions

I agree with this. Life is short. Enjoy it as much as you can.