Who do I put first .. My wife or me..

[Riddledwithguilt]

My wife is an alcoholic. Has been for 20 years although as a non drinker I didn't clock it for about 5 years into our marriage.. because God knows how - but she held down an incredibly responsible job. But over the last few years it has caught up with her .

She has been to a couple of rehab type places - think AA and one other community thing but never really committed. I gave up trying and just decided that this was my life.

She could no longer work from about 5'years ago. Sacked from her last job because of drinking.. and basically gave up.. no longer drives after a drink drive etc and easier not to.

Sex has been non existent for 7 years.. because she is uninterested..

Two weeks ago one of my closest women friends declared her interest.. she is divorced and 'free'

However .. my wife now has alcoholic dementia. Early stages. Still has a degree of cognitive function.. told her it's now or never .. there is a way back (to a degree) but only if she stops drinking.. she has said she would rather live her life as she wishes .. no matter how short ..

I have been sexually dormant for so long because I knew it couldn't happen .. and now it's there . and I want it ! (Sorry if that's too brutal)

I will NEVER leave her . BUT I have about 5 years of dementia care in front of me.. which I WILL do no matter what - until physically impossible..

But I want sex .. I am 57.. my wife is 60..

AIBU to want sex with a woman who understands the situation and knows my wife will always be my first priority.. but most of all .. I vowed ' forsaking ALL others ' and ' in sickness and in health' .. ??

Oh OP, my heart aches for you, it really does.

What people who have no direct experience of addiction don't realise is that addicts are addicted almost exclusively as a result of trauma. They do not CHOOSE their addiction, they hate it, they hate what it does to their families. And the thought of 'beating' their addiction only to have the trauma come rushing back at them keeps them in it's grip.

I speak as someone who has first hand knowledge of a loved one battling this horrible horrible addiction - and if they were in the same situation and their long suffering and LOVELY partner asked me whether they should grasp some happiness I would say a resounding YES. NOW. Just do it OP. You're not much younger than me and our days on this planet are finite. It's testament to your moral compass that you are having to ask a bunch of strangers for permission to do something to enhance your awful life now, rather than wait for the inevitable to happen.

I wish you love and luck, you and your friend. You both deserve it

You need to leave your wife.

Nobody said to allow her to die confused and alone.

You can be her friend rather than her husband.

She's not choosing alcohol over you. She's choosing alcohol over herself. Her drinking is nothing to do with you.

If you don't live together then how would she know what's going on?

Is this just your own conscience your battling with?

Stay living separately, have your relationship with this other woman, continue to support your wife for the years she has left.

Stay living separately, have your relationship with this other woman, continue to support your wife for the years she has left.

This is good advice. The marriage is over in all but name anyway. I would tell your wife that you consider yourself to be separated from her and would be willing to divorce her if she wishes, but that you will carry on supporting her (if you are willing to do this). Then have a relationship with the other woman with a clear conscience.

It says you’re married to an alcoholic. It’s not you. It’s the addiction. You can continue being her friend and care for her out of love. I just read you no longer live together . There would really be no need for her even to know what you do when you aren’t with her.

You don't really have a marriage.. Will your friend be in it for the long haul? Support you supporting your wife? If you can maintain a normal relationship with your friend, alongside caring for your wife, I'd say go for. You sound lovely.

A good friend of mine found tremendous help and understanding at Al Anon, if you want to just sit and talk with others who understand and who are in the same position. But if you decide to see where things go with your friend, I wouldn't judge.

I also have a friend who got a lot of support - and CLARITY - about her situation with an alcoholic husband. She said that it gave her a chance to take her focus off her husband, and it gave her clarity about what she wanted.

Alcoholics tend to suck all the oxygen, energy & focus out of the room: Al-Anon is a way of resisting that.

I'm not big on people having affairs, but really in my view, you wouldn't be doing anything immoral in seeking a new relationship.

But you may find that you need to therapeutic focus on yourself for a bit. Good luck

Sorry for lack of update it's been a busy day .

Thank you everyone for your kindness and support. Alcoholism is such a terrible disease, it makes people so self-centred that as a carer one forgets to think about oneself.

This thread has helped me see that I am also entitled to a life, and that despite my wish to stay true to my marriage vows, my wife has not. She has literally forsaken me for alcohol.

I cannot deny that having sexual interest for another person has been exciting and an ego boost, however I am not quite ready to take that massive step.
I have made an appointment with her dementia consultant over the phone. Which I am relieved to say they have agreed to book in for me next week .

I am going to ask the consultant if I can bring my wife to clinic where they can lay on the line the likely trajectory of her life if she doesn't stop drinking.

One of the problems for the NHS when it comes to alcohol is the soft pussyfooting around alcoholics who tell them they only have a couple of glasses now and then. I will ask the consultant to be brutal and tell her like it is well she still has that capacity , to understand the consequences. I will also offer to pay for inpatient rehab if she's prepared to do it. If she refuses then I am going to try and live the best life I can and that will include finding my own happiness where I can.

I can't tell you how glad I am to read your update. I wish you all the best.

My friends son had alcoholic induced dementia and was suddenly taken ill and into hospital then to a care home whilst waiting for a sheltered flat. He was fifty years old. He died suddenly before he could move. He was still only fifty.Your wife might have a shorter life span than you expect so perhaps have your relationship with this woman who is attracted to you, don’t feel guilty, and don’t make her feel the second choice. You can support your wife when needed and love the new lady. You didn’t choose these options but your wife created the situation. Good luck.

There's another aspect to this which you should consider, OP. Your friend sees no problem with hitting on a married man with a sick wife.
You consider yourself honourable enough that you refuse to leave your wife. Given that, would you be comfortable being with somebody who does not share or show respect for your values, your sense of honour and decency?
I understand wanting sex, and I think your wife has already betrayed her vows to you by putting drinking first, so I can't fault you for looking elsewhere. However, this situation has walking nightmare written all over it. Your friend sounds like a mate poacher, so she'll will not be likely to content herself with no strings attached sex. She will probably push you to leave your wife. What if she fancies herself to be in love with you? Even if that's not the case now, it could change.

Do you want to be her spouse (and faithful) or her carer and have relationships with other people?

I don't think you can have both.

I disagree. The world and life is complicated. I think he can remain a spouse if he wishes and still have relationships outside that relationship. Being faithful in the way we mean it here is really inconsequential compared to the huge all consuming task of caring for someone with dementia and or alcoholism. Imo opinion he is actually being extremely faithful by standing by her but it doesn’t mean he has to sacrifice every other single part of his life.

Not every person traumatised in childhood chooses to abuse substances. As addicted as she is, this is the life she has chosen. Her children probably have had a shit upbringing and understandably don't want a part of it now. It doesn't mean that you have to though. I wouldn't cheat I can promise it would get complicated but I also wouldn't stay with someone who chose alcohol over me and her family. Life is way to short for misery, I'd leave.

Yep It’s almost like they’re happy to hear it’s only a glass or two a night so don’t push it further…
I hope she listens to the consultant and she can somehow turn this around. She’s lucky to have you in her corner. Good luck and never forget that your life is as important as your wife’s.

If you REALLY want to care for your wife then go for it, but personally I think you should have left a long time ago. Leave now and see what happens with this other woman, or several other women. Take some time to enjoy yourself and put yourself first

OP, I'm not sure why you are so determined to stay married in these circumstances? As you say, it's not much of a marriage, and clearly it hasn't been helping her either, since her addiction and its consequences have only got worse during your time together.
I'd strongly advise seeking some counselling to understand better what is keeping you in this destructive relationship, rather than focusing on what has gone so wrong for your wife.

I don't think it will work longer term with the other woman- it would only work if she was in a similar position to you- with a sick/dependent husband. She may say it's okay now, but long term she'll be second priority, have to watch you care for and stand by your wife, she's always be second fiddle.

Then surely he’d be consigned to a lonely life forever (until wife’s alcoholism no longer sustains life) with that thinking.

When my ex was an alcoholic he didn’t care about me or his children. If I’d met someone in that time my loyalties wouldn’t have lain with my ex, just as his didn’t with us.

And most of all NEEDS me for her day to day life.. I WILL NEVER EVER LEAVE HER .. (in caps just to be sure)

It almost seems like you are enabling her