Who do I put first .. My wife or me..

[Riddledwithguilt]

My wife is an alcoholic. Has been for 20 years although as a non drinker I didn't clock it for about 5 years into our marriage.. because God knows how - but she held down an incredibly responsible job. But over the last few years it has caught up with her .

She has been to a couple of rehab type places - think AA and one other community thing but never really committed. I gave up trying and just decided that this was my life.

She could no longer work from about 5'years ago. Sacked from her last job because of drinking.. and basically gave up.. no longer drives after a drink drive etc and easier not to.

Sex has been non existent for 7 years.. because she is uninterested..

Two weeks ago one of my closest women friends declared her interest.. she is divorced and 'free'

However .. my wife now has alcoholic dementia. Early stages. Still has a degree of cognitive function.. told her it's now or never .. there is a way back (to a degree) but only if she stops drinking.. she has said she would rather live her life as she wishes .. no matter how short ..

I have been sexually dormant for so long because I knew it couldn't happen .. and now it's there . and I want it ! (Sorry if that's too brutal)

I will NEVER leave her . BUT I have about 5 years of dementia care in front of me.. which I WILL do no matter what - until physically impossible..

But I want sex .. I am 57.. my wife is 60..

AIBU to want sex with a woman who understands the situation and knows my wife will always be my first priority.. but most of all .. I vowed ' forsaking ALL others ' and ' in sickness and in health' .. ??

Thank you for this. It's kind and considerate.. and understanding. Alcoholism is a truly awful grip.. she loves me most of all next to alcohol.. there are children.. (hers) long since gone due to alcohol.. mine are more tolerant because they were not impacted in childhood by it.. and still see the lovely person she was..

If this had happened before dementia, then I would have divorced her. .. but it hasn't.. and now she would not understand and just be bereft. Which I can't do to her.

OP you sound so amazing and caring, I hope your wife realises how lucky she is. You have realised what an illness alcoholism is...and know it's not your wife's fault - it is an illness. Sorry, no advice, I just think you're amazing.

That may be my greatest fear. We are not the types for 'no strings sex' ..

She chose drink over her kids. She could have killed someone drunk driving. She’s selfish, she’s cruel, she was obviously an awful mother and has since been an appalling wife. He owes her nothing.

I literally booked a therapist this afternoon.

Have the affair. If this friend fully knows the situation and you are both going into it with open eyes, you deserve some happiness.

You're right, leaving your wife would be cruel. In these circumstances you're in an impossible situation. In most circumstances, I'd say leave your wife rather than contemplating an affair. But life isn't always as simple as that. One life, be happy.

That is so kind. Thank you. ❤️

That’s a great first step. I really hope you stick with it and wish you all the best - and some happiness in the future xx

I hope you realise you have suffered from trauma just as much as your wife has. Living with an alcoholic always lead to trauma.

If you think shes only got another 5 years, id wait it out and be inline for whatever shes got left in the way of pension, assets etc. i know that sounds grabby but it makes sense as your married. You could lose a lot if divorced.

id start to live my life away from her (and im a female saying this). Go for it with the other lady. Be happy

Look tell your wife you’d like an open relationship. You want to support and stay with her but acknowledge you are friends and you’ll be her carer.

This is a terribly sad post and I feel for you. I find it astounding that people become so addicted to alcohol it causes dementia. Just terrible. Horrible to live with.
I don't think you're being unreasonable at all and it's not about the sex I don't think.
I don't blame you for not leaving her, there's a lot of emotions in these decisions.
I remember telling my father if he doesn't stop drinking, he would die and he said he didn't care, he wants to die drinking.
It's terribly hurtful and the feelings of hopelessness are real.
I wish you well.

I think you are at the point where (if your wife still has the capacity to understand) you can have an honest conversation with your wife.

Tell her the truth that you love her and you don’t want to leave, you are committed to caring for her until she is at a point where her care needs exceed your skills but that you both know the romantic and sexual part of your life is over.
you have needs that neither of you want with each other anymore and in other circumstances you would probably divorce but that you don’t want that because of your shared history, of your genuine care for her and the fact that you don’t want her to face what is coming next alone and want to be there with her while she goes through it but that you also need to have some life outside of this too and that while it won’t affect your life together that you would like to fulfil those things outside of the marriage.
you might be surprised that she is ok with that. It sounds to me like you have both had conversations about your life together before,you both already know where you stand with each other by the sounds of it and so she might have already considered the prospect of this.

of course if her reaction is to blow up at you then you will have to decide how to handle whatever comes next.

I have known more than one person with alcohol induced dementia and their care did get to a point where the child/spouse etc was unable to provide it and they sadly had to move into much more specialised facilities.
Also be aware that the dementia may not actually be the 5 years you think. My friends mother had this and she was mentally impaired but physically fine for a long time and it was eventually an unrelated cancer which she died from but was unable to comprehend because the dementia was so advanced by that stage. I’m not trying to scare you but to get you to think if this is really what you want even if it goes on for far longer than you have thought about.

This might be a bit of a drip feed but we don't live together anymore. I did make her choose living together or alcohol 3 years ago (when not yet diagnosed with dementia) however I stay 3 sometimes 4 times a week.. and see her every day. It was the only way I could get some clarity in life.

Alcoholism is awful. but the trope of an alcoholic is a hopeless human being who has nothing else about them.. when my wife has /had so many wonderful qualities. If she hadn't then I would never of fallen head over heels in love with her..

@Riddledwithguilt
Wow this is a coincidence! I have just put a thread on here myself. Daughter nightmares as a result of my DH’s gambling addiction for 30 years. Ruined my life totally!

LEAVE HER ASAP

She really does. She actually loves my wife deeply and d knew her before I did. ! and has tried possibly even harder than me. Has also NEVER given her feelings away until now.

That would be my preference but she just wouldn't be cognitively able to make that decision sadly.. I should have had that conversation 18 months ago..

❤️

Effectively you are separated to an extent.

The questions I would be asking myself it your position.

1. Is it really just sex because it's unlikely to be just that with such a long term friend?
2. If you need up with lady no. 2, what happens when your wife needs you? Are you going to end up with very devoided loyalties?
3. Your life is complicated as it is, will another layer of complexity stress you out further?
4. What happens if your wife discovers what's happening etc?

Unfortunately it's a horrible position.

I think alcoholic dementia can sometimes be reversed to some extent if the person stops drinking ( i may be wrong) so she ideally really needs to see her GP to talk that through . Easier said than done of course.
I am sorry for her and admire you for sticking by her, you’re right it’s an illness .I also think you should get as much as you can from life for yourself too. I would consider a relationship with this other person. You are both adults and can go in with your eyes wide open. It might be short lived or it might be more serious but with a total understanding you will care of your wife for as long as you can ( beware that with dementia it often becomes impossible for one person to manage the caring) Caring for someone with dementia is a long hard often lonely road. Don’t let it take all of your life too .

OP, you are trying to do the right thing for someone who is in the grip of a passion that is all consuming.

You should leave. You should move on with your own life. I would say don't move in with your new person - move out and see how you do on your own while building this new relationship.

Your wife has made her choices - they are sad choices and probably beyond her control but this is what she has decided to do with her life. You can decide to do something different with yours.

The only thing I would advise is to stay in touch with her children so you can help them when the inevitable happens. Not help her but support them because presumably you like/love them.

so hard. I feel for you.

Yes it can be reversible to a degree.. but she ' would rather have 5 years 'fun' than 15 as a teetotaller... what does that say about me ? xx

Do it. You’re basically just her carer now anyway.

You deserve happiness too.

You get one chance at life, please be happy.
If your story is completely straight, you have given another person a "good go", plenty of chances and so on. Your wife seems pretty determined on not having any help, yours or otherwise. She has disengaged with her own children, she hasn't completely disengaged with yours yet because of the reasons you mention. However loyal you may be, I would honestly move on. None of us start out in life as newlyweds thinking we will leave a person for some trivial stuff, and none of us really know what the future will hold, and there are some stories on here where a partner has become ill, or injured, and they hang on until the last, despite all of the problems, because it was not their fault. In this instance, she has alienated her children, and left you as the "last man standing" to look after her, and I am afraid to add, it is her own fault. Alcoholism is an illness, and hard to conquer, but having refused chance after chance, then it is time to draw the line. I would be honest with your new potential partner that there may be a tricky road ahead, but then I would get on with it. It's going to be a hard one, but ultimately you need some time to enjoy life for yourself. I am wishing you love and fortitude. xx

With respect your wife has become someone you care for at most, not a wife.
You don’t live with her even. Are her children yours too?
You can still have happiness while caring for her.