AIBU for wanting to stipulate certain gifts aren't welcome at my baby shower?

[ChaosPersonified]

There is a hereditary allergy in my family for a very common ingredient in a lot of baby and new mum products and we all suffer from sensitive skin and can react to Sensitive skin products.
Is there a way I can politely add to invites to only buy certain brands of toiletries/ products or for people to check with my friends (the organisers of the shower) before purchasing products, as I would hate for people to waste money but I also don't want either myself or the baby to suffer.
Or do I just stipulate no toiletries whatsoever to be safer?

My ex has said I'm being demanding asking for specific items and that he's sure the reactions won't be that bad....

They came to the UK from the US thanks to the internet and to increased international travel, in the days before the internet.

In the US, they have always been associated with setting up the new parents with needed items, before the birth of the baby. They are traditionally thrown by women, for women.

They are really not a revival of any ancient customs from anywhere that somehow spontaneously occurred.

madness. Just donate what you can't use and be grateful

"The USA and Britain, forever separated by a common language". Because both have English as a common language, we don't see cultural differences as clearly as if we spoke different languages entirely.

A baby shower - before the safe arrival of the baby - just seems wierd to lots of British people.
Usually we organise.our own parties, sort hospitality, etc, and dont do it for gifts. Though honestly its a bit coy to pretend you wont get birthday gifts at your b'day bash. But if the mother-to-be organised her own shower in America, that would seem grabby.

Anyway, just get whoever is organising to tell anyone who asks that you've heritable skin allergies so would rather not have toiletries etc.

Baby showers are lovely, and they should involve gifts!

OP absolutely fine to say no toiletries due to allergies! Enjoy :)

FFS, how many people are going to call the OP 'grabby'? It doesn't make you sound clever or original to be the 20th poster to do so.

I do wonder why so many people's instinct, on reading a post from a pregnant woman who has already broken up with the baby's father, is to berate the OP rather than offer supportive suggestions.

I also don't understand why baby showers are deemed grabby. If a family member or friend is having a baby, then I am going to buy them a gift. A baby shower provides some hospitality in return.

If you get invited to a shower of someone whom you weren't planning to get a gift, then just decline the invitation. It's not hard!

I would personally just donate any unwanted/unusable items.

Yabu to have a baby shower which is designed to fleece your friends and family for gifts, and then dictate which gifts they give!

Why do posters need to pander to the op because she broke up with her boyfriend? She wants to hold a baby shower and then dictate what gifts her friends give her. Why can't she just pay for the toiletries she's not allergic to? Why should everyone bow down to her because she's not with the dad of her baby by the time she gives birth?

Agree there is no point to a baby shower. I am superstitious and felt v. uncomfortable recieving gifts before the baby(s) had safely arrived. years as a NiCU doctor may have influenced me

Yes to celebrate the safe arrival, absolutely normal in the UK historically often a christening or naming day. Not celebrating before the baby's birth.

Simple, state no toiletries please due to allergies.

I absolutely would not be stipulating what gifts people should bring or not bring to anything....even the assumption of getting gifts doesn't sit right with me.

Surely it's the person's presence, not the presents that matter? Showering the mum to be with 'love' not material gifts?

If it was me, I'd be happy and grateful to receive anything and, any gifts I didn't want, I would say a big thank you and later donate. If people didn't bring a gift at all then that's fine too. To pre-empt it all with advance instructions about what the gift should or shouldn't include is awfully tacky in my opinion.

I'm not a fan of baby showers anyway so it's a moot point for me, happy to be the 21st(?) poster to describe them as grabby, but it's more because I don't understand celebrating a baby before they have arrived safely.
A good friend had quite an elaborate one a few years ago and her baby was stillborn a day or 2 later. I've never felt the same about them since.

I think the reason they're now considered grabby is that, regardless of how they started, they've led some to becoming very consumerist.

There's nothing wrong with not wanting gifts you're allergic to, obviously, but I know of three baby showers where the mum has tried to dictate what gifts she'd be willing to accept - i.e. wooden toys only, certain coloured outfits only, nursery books meeting a certain 'aesthetic' (old, first edition-looking) only... and has made it clear that anything else was Totally Unacceptable.

I also have a colleague who had a fourth baby shower this year, and she's complained ever since because she didn't get as many gifts as she was hoping ("it's called a 'shower' for a reason...")

It's not everyone, but it's brought out a lot of entitlement in some and that's spoiled it for the others who are doing it in keeping with the olden days.

I love a baby shower and i don't find them grabby at all A first time mom is “showered with gifts” to welcome dear baby A second baby is a “sprinkle” and after that just
depends on your family and friends I love seeing all the female family members and meeting mum to be friends I would much rather have a gift suggestion list than something I selected for baby go straight to donation or someone else If i wanted it to go straight to donation i would take it there myself Specific toiletry guidelines would not put me off at all I like to gift something WANTED.. I'm American so I have been known to fly across the country for a sprinkle

Sadly I think you'll not be understanding that this is a very new and quite frankly grabby tradition in the UK. #american in current format. Plenty of local traditions regarding supporting the new to be parents.

I started work in 1986 for a professional organization. The only time I ever came across a "baby shower" was when I briefly had a secondment to the USA. I've recently retired. Never saw or heard of a baby shower in any other organization since. Yes you would wish your pregnant colleague well, perhaps organise or contribute to a leaving gift, but a baby shower - no.

The point of a baby shower is gifts for the baby. 🤨

@merrymelodies why would you have a baby if you can't afford to provide for it? Why should your friends get everything the baby needs when it's your choice to have one? Gifts are nice but baby showers are so grabby.

I went to one where the mother had an Amazon gift registry and she ticked off the gifts one by one in front of everyone and told us all she thought we'd have bought more for her. I was embarrassed for her tbh

It's a bit difficult to say 'no gifts which include X ingredient' without implying that a gift is expected, You know what products your skin can tolerate, why not buy them for yourself?

I have never had a baby shower but from what I've seen, the point of them is primarily to celebrate the impending birth of a baby with the mother. Gifts are de rigeur.

'"Please no toiletries due to allergies' is fine !"

I'm not wild on Baby showers, but as someone with allergies (and a child with them) I'd be more than happy to be asked to get something appropriate if I was invited to one.

My exes family asked demanded that we had one 21 years ago before DS was born. Would have been ok, but they costed up and the drink alone they wanted £450 for! We were very young and didn't have a pot to piss in so I refused! We ended up not having the baby shower due to it. So on that occasion, it was the attendees who were the grabby ones

All my friends and I have had baby showers but have also had a wish list which states the items that we’d like friends & family to purchase. I don’t think it’s grabby but friends/family members were constantly asking us what we wanted to an online wish list to send around (when inviting them to the baby shower) made sense