AIBU for wanting to stipulate certain gifts aren't welcome at my baby shower?

[ChaosPersonified]

There is a hereditary allergy in my family for a very common ingredient in a lot of baby and new mum products and we all suffer from sensitive skin and can react to Sensitive skin products.
Is there a way I can politely add to invites to only buy certain brands of toiletries/ products or for people to check with my friends (the organisers of the shower) before purchasing products, as I would hate for people to waste money but I also don't want either myself or the baby to suffer.
Or do I just stipulate no toiletries whatsoever to be safer?

My ex has said I'm being demanding asking for specific items and that he's sure the reactions won't be that bad....

I thought the whole premise of a baby shower was that the friends of the mother to be arranged a get together and "showered" her with gifts.

Luckily this is not the law.

Most baby showers I’ve been to have been no gift events - the ‘showering’ has been showering a mum to be with love and attention, showering with wisdom, showering with prayers (for the religious ones) etc.

In the OP’s case it seems gifts are part of the deal so I’d just say ‘no toiletries please due to allergies’.

Surely the person sending the invitations just adds a sentence like "As you know, Mary has allergies, so if you are intending to bring a present, please could you avoid any toiletries? Thank you!"

Eeew, how condescending! 😂 None of us are "relatively new to the concept", we just see baby showers for the grabby, americanised shite that they are.

Just say No Gifts Please, OP, it reflects so much better on the expectant parents.

This.

@crockofshite "The whole point of a baby shower is to shower the baby with gifts .😂"

Eh, the baby isn't here yet.

Tradition (UK) is to bring the baby a present when it is born.

Slightly concerning your ex doesn't think the reactions will be "too bad" he sounds like he is setting himself up to be a disney parent "mum won't give you this but daddy will!!" 🙄 my son was born lactose intolerant the amount of shitty nappies he had after a visit to dad's house was really fucked up all because I (and the paediatrician) were "overreacting"

Horrendous

My colleagues held a surprise baby shower for me in 1986. To be fair it was the first one I'd ever come across, but it was so lovely of them.

It was in the staffroom at lunchtime and they each took it in turns to give me their small gift and each one was added to a big basket.

I was blown away by their gesture, and I ended up with a big basket of all kinds of essentials for when the baby arrived.

So baby showers in the UK aren't all that new, and yes, the focus is on providing help with the essentials that a mother to be needs to have available in those early weeks.

I don't buy gifts for a baby until it's born.
I don't mind going to a gathering before baby is born etc but I always stipulate that I buy gifts when the baby is here.

Baby showers are grabby.
Just say it's a gathering before baby is born and no gifts please, just your company

Tradition ...

Well theres a new tradition this side of the pond (old tradition in other countries). it's called a baby shower and traditionally it's organized by mums friends and traditionally held while mum is near the end of her pregnancy and traditionally female friends and family members bring small baby gifts to help mum in the first few weeks of motherhood. It's supposed to be a fun couple of hours.

It's a tradition not compulsory.

the problem is when people get grabby and greedy, start having gift lists and other nonsense.

Just because it's not your traditional doesn't mean others can't enjoy it.

Slight tangent but when anyone mentions "showering them with gifts" I have an involuntary mental image of an avalanche of silver photo frames, rattles, bottles of baby lotion, moses baskets etc just cascading on to some poor woman

It's a relatively new thing in the UK that originated from across the pond.

My auntie had a baby shower for her in the late 80s.

The same goes with Black Friday and school balls now being called a prom.

I went to my school prom in Scotland in 1992.

None of this is new, and people have been giving gifts to new parents for centuries. Getting together and having a wee party to do it is just fine.

Just say no gifts. It's all so grabby

We asked for no gifts at our wedding, we got a bunch of stuff regardless.

We asked for no gifts when our daughter was born, we got a bunch of stuff regardless. We did a class birthday party and asked for no gifts but if they wanted to, they could get specific items for a charity backpack thing, we still got gifts.

People want to give gifts, and toiletries are a common gift, OP is quite right to ask them not to do so because of allergies.

YABU for having a baby shower. However, there will be other events that I think should be celebrated, and asking for no skin products for those is reasonable.

I agree. Grabby and chavvy. Sorry don't mean to offend but it's my honest opinion. And I know they have been imported from American culture.

I would just specify that due to allergies no toiletries as gifts please. I don’t really agree with baby showers as PP have said, but each to their own, and even if you didn’t have one in my experience people will still get gifts for you and baby when baby is born, so it’s better to say as toiletries are common gifts.

I totally understand OP, my skin is sooo sensitive I can’t wear anything fragranced at all or I’m itching and coming up in eczema immediately and get so sore. I can’t tell you the amount of toiletry sets and gifts I have lying at the bottom of drawers because I get them gifted for birthdays and Christmases and I can’t use them, so they just gather dust. Most of my close friends and family know now, but I remember when I was pregnant with DS my DH’s stepmum put together a beautiful “new mummy” pamper hamper for me. And apart from the chocolates, tea and fizz (which I popped after baby was born), I couldn’t use any of it. It was all perfumed or fragranced bubble bath, bath bombs, body butters, moisturisers, bump cream and face masks. Even if it says for sensitive skin unless it’s fragrance-free I can’t use it. I felt so guilty as she’d put so much thought into it as well. Of course didn’t say anything, but people put thought into gifts and then you can’t use them. Surely it’s better they know.

Has anyone asked what it's got to do with the ex?
What's it got to do with them??

Bzby shower equals attention seeker and grabby
Asking for certain products/gifts equals pretentious spoilt attention seeker and grabby
All in all ungrateful and pretentious

Its fine to say ''gifts are not expected. However if anybody is so inclined then please no toiletries, skincare products of that nature due to allergy risk''. Although its pretty clear you definitely are expecting gifts and it is wholey unreasonable to even mention brands, you shouldnt be expecting anything

Baby showers can be traced back thousand of years, if I remember correctly to Egyptian times. If was to celebrate the birth of the baby, shower with love, no presents.
We we’re having them in the 1980s friends, family and work colleagues having a buffet tea, a lot of love and fun, no gifts.

It’s tricky because unless you stipulate no gifts you’ll have to say you’re allergic/sensitive to whatever it is and it might come across that you are expecting gifts!
But then maybe it’s no big deal because everyone expects to be bringing gifts anyway? Not sure how I would handle this to be honest! If getting gifts genuinely is neither here nor there to you then I would suggest just saying no gifts are required.

I'm severely allergic to baby showers so YABU.

Say no gifts and just enjoy peoples company. I think that would be refreshing and then you won’t have to worry.

Oh but your comment indeed was anti-American, and the rest of your comment (and this one too) based purely on ignorance and a peculiar, misplaced sense of cultural superiority.

I think it would come across in bad taste, to ask for specific items, especially if they are tricky to source or cost more. I’d just put a polite note in…’ due to skin allergies, I’d be grateful if you didn’t gift any skincare products. I’m grateful for your presence and time, that is the biggest gift.’