DP's son making me feel like I'm in a relationship with both of them

[Dpmn553]

I hope this is in the right place. Have been with DP for 5 years. He has a 12 year old son who has always lived with him. I moved in around 1 year ago. Before I moved in my relationship with DP's son was manageable. I was like an aunt or a teacher or another influential adult in his life. But since I've moved in, my DP's son has been acting in a way that would suggest he doesn't quite understand the dynamic in the house.

For example, the other day I made myself and my DP a cup of tea and gave him a biscuit with it. His son then started asking why he wasn't also offered a biscuit- I told him he's free to take a biscuit if he wants it. In the morning on my days off I'll ask my DP what he fancies for breakfast. If DP's son is there, he'll get upset and make a point about me not asking or including him (of course I'd make everyone's breakfast in such a situation not just my DP). The dynamic is making me feel very uncomfortable.

He'll insert himself into adult conversations that don't concern him, so much so that we have to be careful what we say infront of him. He seems always to have an opinion about adult issues (mortgages, cars, medical issues) that he knows nothing about, and will offer them when me and DP are in the middle of an important discussion.

I'm probably not explaining it well. It just feels like my DP's son expects me to be treating him like another DP/exactly like his father and not the child that he is and it's creating this weird atmosphere where I cannot be myself and exist in a romantic relation with my DP.

Has anyone experienced anything similar? Is this normal?

CautiousLurker1 · Today 13:22

BeMintTraybake · Today 13:21
Wow. I've reported your comment. Absolutely no need for that

I did too, but they clearly actioned yours in a nano second

No there wasn’t! Glad it was deleted so quickly.

You aren’t automatically including him and you should. You are the newcomer in his home from his perspective. It’s not you, your DP and he’s an extra. Your DP and his son are the family unit and you are the addition. He’s probably worried that he’s being pushed out.

As a woman moving into your partner's home, one he shares with an almost teenager, you have a huge mountain to climb.

Teens are always difficult for parents. In your case, it doesn't matter what you do, you'd be wrong as the outsider in the family unit.

It's up to your partner to have a conversation with his son about what he expects from him in the changing living conditions. You can be kind and wonderful to his child but it's up to his father to make his son feel safe and loved in the new relationship's dynamics.

If your partner can't do that, run.

Making drinks or meals for one person is a bit odd when you could make them for the family.

Iwantabrightsunnyday · Today 13:25
**
why have you deleted my post? This woman is insinuating that a little boy is interested in her. She is a psychological pedo, delete her whole weird thread

Because it was offensive and inappropriate.
as is this one.
Reported.

Sounds like you’re treating him less well than you would a guest in his own home! If you had a guest you’d offer them a biscuit or breakfast if you were offering them to someone else in the room, wouldn’t you? It would be incredibly rude not to. Like it or not you’re effectively his step mum now and you need to learn to treat him like family, so no excluding, being resentful or dismissive because he wants to spend time in the same place as you both (that’s absolutely normal for a tween and will change in a few years).

you need to include the poor boy! You’re the newbie so it’s on you to be part of the family unit that already exists. You can’t walk into a family dynamic and then change it to suit you.

It’s good that he’s speaking up and calling out your behaviour though. Because when I was in his situation I kept quiet and became a life long people pleaser which affected my relationship with my Dad forever. I’ve needed therapy for it.

Shocked by this !! Our dogs are definitely treated better / included more. You moved into HIS house and HIS life . You and his dad should be bending over backwards to include him , especially at the start . Poor kid .

Bet he eats biscuits tho!!! You don't have to offer him the exact same but surely if the biscuit tin is out you offer one to everyone 😳
It sounds like you'd quite like to just pretend he's not there /doesn't exist if you aren't doing something specifically revolving around him! How awful

You are rude. You don’t make a tea and biscuit for one person in the room without offering the other, same with breakfast, you ask both people what they would like, or provide both with the same. It’s not difficult

the poor kid is trying to adjust to someone else in the house, who appears to be showing him you don’t care about him through simple things, it’s not difficult

Any adult conversations shouldn’t be in front of him anyway, so save them for when the poor kid is not there

Your partners child will always come first

Common courtesy: the basic level of politeness that you expect from someone

But you are now in a relationship with him? Obviously not a romantic or sexual one but you are now in a family relationship with him so you need to start acting like it

He's only 19 OP.
They think they're grown up at that age.

I do think that although there may be some boundary enforcement needed actually most of this is about your understanding of what it's like to live with another person and their parent.

The example you gave about entering room without knocking and getting into bed with his dad.

This is 100% normal and wouldn't ever register for most people. But clearly you felt that a massive boundary had been passed.

I think that it would help you to realise that you've moved in with both of them, and the son does have a really important relationship with you - whether you want it or not.

And then talk to your partner about putting in place regular date nights and making sure you carve time for a relationship

So simply ask your SS if he would like a drink of any variety!!! Doesn’t have to be tea or coffee!!

This is totally normal.

"Just to clarify, he doesn't drink tea. Me and my DP were working from home and I was making myself a cup of tea and asked if my DP wanted one"

So you say..."just making some drinks Bobby...would you like a hot chocolate or a glass of squash (or whatever he likes!)?"

How sad. I've read all your updates and I think you've moved in too soon and you're not stepping up into the role you need to take on. Move out and have your boyfriend to yourself when the kid isn't there, it would be better for everyone and not affect the child's adolescence so much.

Yes, YABU to expect to enjoy romantic one on one time with your partner whilst a 12 year old pretends not to be there. YANBU for not wanting him to butt into adult conversations and expecting him to go to bed at a reasonable time but it's odd you didn't expect these types of road bumps with a 12 yo living in the house? When has any 12 yo ever wanted to go to bed early?

If he's there why wouldn't you include him? He's a child and if you're making yourself and dp a brew ask him if he wants a drink. He might want a hot chocolate or a cold drink. If you had a family member there would you make DP and yourself food and drink without offering the family member anything?

OP, you're driving DSS's anxiety about being excluded from stuff by not including him in perfectly normal household interactions. It sounds like you expected the dynamic would be more like you'd be a live-in girlfriend and DP would somehow be single-parenting his son as if you didn't live there, and the two relationships would be completely independent of each other.

This set-up would possibly work for looking after a dog that pre-dated the relationship, but is obviously inappropriate for a real human child, as is demonstrated by the anxiety your DSS is showing.

Why wouldn’t you offer the same to everyone?

you’re a parent now, step up

A weird atmosphere where I … cannot exist in a romantic relationship with my Dp.”
😳😳😳😳🙄

Try looking at it from the perspective of a 12 year old boy that lived just with his dad for 11 years. He will already be feeling sidelined and OP doesn't appear to be doing much to help with that. I can see why a 12 year old boy in those circumstances may fear being pushed out if a baby comes along. It does happen. I'm surprised that as an adult you would not see that.