DP's son making me feel like I'm in a relationship with both of them

[Dpmn553]

I hope this is in the right place. Have been with DP for 5 years. He has a 12 year old son who has always lived with him. I moved in around 1 year ago. Before I moved in my relationship with DP's son was manageable. I was like an aunt or a teacher or another influential adult in his life. But since I've moved in, my DP's son has been acting in a way that would suggest he doesn't quite understand the dynamic in the house.

For example, the other day I made myself and my DP a cup of tea and gave him a biscuit with it. His son then started asking why he wasn't also offered a biscuit- I told him he's free to take a biscuit if he wants it. In the morning on my days off I'll ask my DP what he fancies for breakfast. If DP's son is there, he'll get upset and make a point about me not asking or including him (of course I'd make everyone's breakfast in such a situation not just my DP). The dynamic is making me feel very uncomfortable.

He'll insert himself into adult conversations that don't concern him, so much so that we have to be careful what we say infront of him. He seems always to have an opinion about adult issues (mortgages, cars, medical issues) that he knows nothing about, and will offer them when me and DP are in the middle of an important discussion.

I'm probably not explaining it well. It just feels like my DP's son expects me to be treating him like another DP/exactly like his father and not the child that he is and it's creating this weird atmosphere where I cannot be myself and exist in a romantic relation with my DP.

Has anyone experienced anything similar? Is this normal?

You sound like you see yourself and your partner as a separate entity and not the three of you as a family?
You have put yourself into that’s child’s home and space. Before you came along, it was just him and his Dad, so I imagine it has been difficult for him to adjust to this new situation with you suddenly around and calling all the shots.

Adult natured conversations and decisions should be discussed privately away from earshot of this boy who is just going about his business in his own home. What is he supposed to do, make himself scarce for your convenience?
So yeah, I think you are being the unreasonable one. Poor kid.

He could be ‘replaced’ because the child of his dad and OP would live there full time - whereas the son currently spends part of his time with his mum.

“Impolite” is putting it politely …

He lives there and merely visits his mum.

He wouldn't be replaced, but it's not unreasonable to fear the change in dynamic and worry about being pushed out.

A half-sibling would be loved by both his dad & OP - and while he may be confident about his dad loving him, OP doesn't think to include him much of the time.

Baby/toddler far cuter than a 12 yr old 😂and would need a lot of attention.

It's a really difficult dynamic to negotiate especially if he's already feeling worried about his place in the family.

Also, it's really weird that you consider including a child /being a family as being like "your partner ".

You are very naive

So, as an adult, I would never make myself/someone a drink/biscuit and NOT offer to any other human being present, child or step child. It’s effing rude.

As an adult I would never discuss private/personal issues such as mortgages etc in the presence of an uninvolved third party, especially one I did not want to invite an opinion from, child or step child. It’s effing rude.

You get my gist? It’s not the child. It’s you.

Poor kid.

Oh, and PS. You have moved into HIS home, are in a long term relationship with HIS father … of course you have a relationship with him.

In what way?

It’s lovely to see you taking all the feedback onboard and it’s great to hear that you made him a snack platter. It can’t be easy adjusting to living with a child when you don’t have any of your own and kids of this age can be frustrating and often a lot less grown up than you’d expect at this age. Hopefully the advice on this thread will help you to build a better relationship with him and also to understand that his behaviour is totally normal for his age.

Go and read the many posts about this sort of scenario then you will understand.

If you don’t understand how a child can worry they’ll be replaced when one parent has a new child, and then lives in a complete unbroken family unit with their new partner and new child then no one here can help you.

If that’s something that you don’t understand then you are vastly lacking in common sense.

O find your attitude weird not the child. Our almost 13 loves to be in convos and I would never dream or think of not offering everyone who is in the room at the time a cake or biscuit. It's you that's weird and I actually feel sorry for the kid who clearly just wants to chat and feel included and even our 3 youngest will appear to chat and they all have various subjects they enjoy to join in. Funny enough our nearly 13 is the deeper one likes to chat about world events,household stuff etc and we never ever discourage it. You seem to have the problem trying to push child out, not the child

You've moved into this child's family home. He is not just an inconvenient "extra". By choosing to move in with his dad, you are choosing to have a relationship with this child. Of course it isn't the same as your relationship with his dad, but he shouldn't have to feel like a second class citizen in his own home either.

I think you need to think long and hard about whether you really want to be in a relationship with someone who has children. They come as a package, and that's what you're signing up to if you decide that you want to be with him.

Sounds like youre not teatinf him like a child -
who’s home you have moved into. Poor kid.

OP, enough people have pointed out already that it is unreasonable not to offer food and drinks to everyone around so I’ll not go there. As for your other examples, I think you somewhat ignoring him makes this worse. The food situation shows that he’s invisible to you, this makes him feel (understandably) threatened. If you include him, he won’t feel the need to make you and his dad aware that he’s still here all the time.

It's something I have discussed with my brother - who incidentally lived with my mum and then also my stepdad (and youngest brother when he was born)

He tells me he never felt that he would be replaced. 12 years difference between the boys.

As adults it's him to has the closer relationship with my ( now ex) stepdad. Much closer than my younger brother who is his biological son.

I've just asked my daughter about it also and she tells me she didn't feel she was replaced when I had DS

Wow. I've reported your comment. Absolutely no need for that

My teen ds drinks a cup of tea about once a month. So obv I don't always offer (I drink about 8 cups a day!) but I do sometimes, and always if I'm making tea for anyone else. It doesn't matter if he mostly says no, it's inclusive.

I did too, but they clearly actioned yours in a nano second!

So ask "would anyone like a drink?" Or "anyone want a biscuit?" You are purposely ignoring your step son.

As a 12 year old, when my dad told me he and his wife were having triplets, I absolutely did worry I would be replaced.

...and I was right to worry, because I was.

Sounds like a typical teenager. Having a 3-way conversations when the child is around , asking for his opinion and otherwise including him is what families do. They also do that without extra effort as that comes naturally.

Now, in your case you are having a relationship with the father but not the son. And his father is likely not grasping that having an "adult conversations" and expecting a 12 yrs old to shut up in the same room is not the best way of spending time as a family (which I assume you are).

And, for a record , you did not move in with your partner, you moved in with his family. So act that way.