DP's son making me feel like I'm in a relationship with both of them

[Dpmn553]

I hope this is in the right place. Have been with DP for 5 years. He has a 12 year old son who has always lived with him. I moved in around 1 year ago. Before I moved in my relationship with DP's son was manageable. I was like an aunt or a teacher or another influential adult in his life. But since I've moved in, my DP's son has been acting in a way that would suggest he doesn't quite understand the dynamic in the house.

For example, the other day I made myself and my DP a cup of tea and gave him a biscuit with it. His son then started asking why he wasn't also offered a biscuit- I told him he's free to take a biscuit if he wants it. In the morning on my days off I'll ask my DP what he fancies for breakfast. If DP's son is there, he'll get upset and make a point about me not asking or including him (of course I'd make everyone's breakfast in such a situation not just my DP). The dynamic is making me feel very uncomfortable.

He'll insert himself into adult conversations that don't concern him, so much so that we have to be careful what we say infront of him. He seems always to have an opinion about adult issues (mortgages, cars, medical issues) that he knows nothing about, and will offer them when me and DP are in the middle of an important discussion.

I'm probably not explaining it well. It just feels like my DP's son expects me to be treating him like another DP/exactly like his father and not the child that he is and it's creating this weird atmosphere where I cannot be myself and exist in a romantic relation with my DP.

Has anyone experienced anything similar? Is this normal?

I don't think his behavior sounds unreasonable. He's only 12 and is just trying to figure out how he fits into this newish living arrangement. Most certainly he feels left out and insecure. You and DP should be doing more to help him adjust and at the very least, that should include offering him something to eat/drink if you are asking DP.

I haven’t read the full thread so apologies if you’ve answered this already. How does DP treat his son? Is he setting boundaries? Does he tell him the conversation regarding adult matters is between the two of you? Or does his son believe he’s at the same level as his father and should be treated as an adult and not as a child? If it’s this then your DP needs to put in some boundaries. Ignore the majority of comments on here, the biscuit was a poor example but too many posters have jumped on that without looking into why this dynamic is occurring.

I understood the biscuit scene, not sure why everyone else took it the wrong way. Ditto breakfast. Though with the latter yes you probably do need to be more 'aware' of the child and not just doing nice things for DP.

You don't mention if child sees his mother (and if not, why not) which is important in terms of their history. But whatever the reason, DP & son living together all the child's life means you moving in has drastically changed their relationship. Maybe partner has been treating his son too much like a flatmate and not enough like a child? Maybe he doesn't like being the 'bad guy' and wants an easy life by not setting strong rules and boundaries and having consequences for inappropriate behaviour. Whatever that dynamic was, you moving in has changed it, hence why the atmosphere is weird & uncomfortable.

As for the know it all/butting in thing, whilst that is pretty normal for that age maybe child is doing it to feel part of the new unit that is you and DP and not him. Perhaps your partner used to talk to him about more adult things and now he has you so child feels that change. Your partner should be (gently) putting him in his place a bit more and telling him not to interrupt or offer opinions which are nothing to do with him. Most parents would knock that on the head pretty quickly as it's an unattractive trait to acquire. Similar with the bedtimes, why is your partner not just making him go to bed.

Personally I think you are mad to be getting involved with a man with a child, less alone moving in to their house where they have lived long before you came along. But if you want the relationship to continue both you and DP need to have some serious discussions about how you all work together to establish a new family life together going forward.

PS; If you want children yourself, for gods sake don't have one with DP until all this is sorted out as it's a sure fire way to make his son feel really unwanted/go off the rails).

I don’t think any of you have grasped that having moved into a father and son household as his romantic partner a dynamic has to be formed for all of you - yes you want to be recognised as his Dads romantic partner but he is a member of the household and needs to be treated as such. Boundaries suitable for a very nesr teenager need to be implemented but also ones that recognised that he is heading towards being a grown up with views

That could also happen if the new baby was a full sibling though. Kids often get their noses pushed out of joint when a sibling is born

My DGS asked me if mummy and daddy will love the ( expected) baby more than him. He's 8 and always lived with both his parents

This is why so many stories feature the child being sent away by the stepmum - to boarding school etc - so she can have the father, her new husband to himself, and not have to change her identity and become a stepmother at all.

You can make it work OP but to do so you need to embrace and value your relationship with this boy and ask yourself every day what you can do to support and love him, and make him happy. He needs to be a core part of your life and thoughts for the next 6+ years (if he’s on track to leave home at 18 for university)

And adult conversations are best had walking the dog or early in the morning before the tween is awake. We all know they have ears like bats and more opinions than a politician.

Young man is reflecting back to you, what he is seeing/feeling. That you are treating him like … a third wheel.
(Dare I say “stepchild”? In the awful phrase - getting treated like a stepchild???)

Appreciating his directness - OP, you are in any room in your home with a group of people, and you are excluding one from generosity/ hospitality/ kindness. That’s rude.

How much effort would it take for you to be inclusive? He’s not looking to be your partner …. He’s looking to be treated like a person. He’s not invisible, he’s not less a person.

Start acting like an adult. This young man sees you, and is calling you out for your excluding him from kindness & decency.

Unless you’re not expressing yourself well the early examples you gave don’t sound like your DPs son is being unreasonable.

I think if you move in with a partner and their child you do need to take on a step mum role. You can’t expect to exist in a romantic relationship with your DP to the exclusion of his son. You will need to work hard, like other parents, at carving out adult time for yourselves like date nights but when you’re at home yes I think you need to nurture and treat him and include him in stuff.

You are in a relationship with both of them, but obviously a different type of relationship. I imagine it will take a while to figure out the dynamics. But hopefully you can settle into something where your DSS is a welcome part of this new unit and not an unwanted addition who you resent having to offer a biscuit to. Teenagers are hard work, so grit your teeth now and summon up your patience for the next few years.

Well yes it could but it is much more likely in a blended family, so trickier for all concerned to ensure that it doesn't happen. A child having a full sibling has their mum and dad living with them in the home so is much more likely to be helped navigate a new sibling than a child in a blended family where the new baby will very much be the stepmums priority.
Just because it all worked out well in your family and nobody felt replaced or sidelined doesn't mean that it works in every family. I would say yours was one of the lucky ones and obviously had adults that prioritised the needs of all the children. Sadly this really isn't the case in many families.

Husband or partner, OP? Hopefully the latter. Your comment about him getting into bed with his Dad made me so sad. Please bow out and give the lad a chance of a healthy adulthood. He didn't ask for all this.

YABU.

Your dss is not living with you, you're living with him.

It's you who has misunderstood the relationship.

And it's awful to read your posts.

Not sure you’re cut out for this step-parenting lark. Remember he was there first. You’re just the Dad’s current girlfriend. Know your place.

Do you want a relationship on any level with this boy?
I don't think it's possible to move into the home where a child is living and expect the adults relationship to continue as it was when dating, where the child wasn't the main feature.
Did you discuss what role you were willing to provide to this child before you moved in?
It does sound like your own expectations are not being met. That's ok. But not the child's fault at all.
If you can't find a way fit in to their (father and son) dynamic (although I agree some adjustments are normal) then you should leave.

Speaking as a step parent it's bloody hard work a lot of the time .
I'm sure you are very much aware the child has to come first and your situation is the more complex one in that you have fitted into 'their' home and relationship.
On here i'm afraid you will get a lot of negativity as the 'outsider' even if the kid is devils spawn .
I haven't got the answer i just wanted to say good luck i hope you all settle in well together and become family, and despite any negative comments you may get you can bet that the vast majority of step parents everywhere have been driven to the point of self combustion by the 'little angels' on more than one occasion !

That’s just normal behaviour in a family in my view. If I get up to make a drink or food I offer everyone, including my teen daughter and her boyfriend. If her bf makes himself anything he also always offers us. It’s just polite.

same with joining in conversations, it sounds like the lad just wants to be involved and included. Where do they learn to talk about these things if not in their own home?

Just to add - for DSS's sake you do need to set boundaries like bedtime, and I think privacy in your bedroom isn't an unreasonable boundary for a step-parent to set, but most of the interactions you describe with him are him crying out to be involved as a family member and to have a relationship with you, OP. He doesn't know any other way to do this than trying to join your conversations with DP or complimenting you on stuff.

You need to establish your own relationship with him, and to treat him with your DP as part of the family unit. Like any other family unit you will have to save conversations you don't want him to hear until he's in bed or out. Once he feels more secure, his anxiety about you and DP doing things alone will dial down.

I'm assuming you don't have your own children? You are being very very unreasonable. I feel sorry for this little boy. Who makes drinks and snacks and breakfast for them and their partner and tells the child sat their to get their own? And begrudges them climbing into bed next to their dad?
I hope he lives more with his mum?
I'm not sure you living as a family with a child involved is for you atm

He's 12, he's figuring out relationships with people other than his parents, teachers or peers.

Much of this is entirely normal behaviour - honestly its your behaviour I think less normal, not offering him something if you're offering that same food/drink to your DP..

Has he spent a lot of time just with his Dad or with a lot of other adults who have treated him like a mini-adult? When that happens, a lot of kids will struggle to get social interaction right with a new adult ... and of course 12 year olds know absolutely everything and think everyone should hear their opinion... More so if they have been the centre of everyones attention for some reason (ie, child of a single dad, no Mum around at all), or in some cases... they actually do know more than you think (probably not about mortgages though!)

Try not to view this as him being rude or challenging you, that would be unfair particularly as you also seem to be struggling with how to interact with him appropriately! Be patient and help him figure this out kindly.

Why would you leave one person out of a brew round or breakfast?
He sounds very typical in terms of having opinions. You just have to save adult conversations you don’t want him involved in for when he isn’t there, or ask him to go to his room if it’s mega urgent (not much really is)

He sounds like a really nice lad who is, like you, trying to work out a new dynamic. It will take some time and will probably go better if you and he don't feel like you're in competition for your partner's affections/attention. You can both be his priority in different ways, for different things. If you treat the 12yo like a nuisance and he starts to feel like one, that's not going to go well. Why don't you and your partner take the lead in asking the son outright what his worries, anxieties, concerns are, what he thinks is going well, and what he would like to suggest about the household dynamic? He'll feel happy to be heard and consulted and you'll get some info to work with so you're not second guessing his behaviour/motives the way you are at the moment.

He sounds like a 12 year old boy who wants to socialise with members of his household - unlike many 12 year old boys who would prefer to hole up in their rooms.

For me, that would be quite charming but I appreciate I might not be setting great store by romantic moments alone these days.

In any case it's very possible he will soon beat a retreat to his room for a few years to grow a moustache, develop a deep voice, shoot up several inches and realise the other adults in the house are tedious and very dull.

Here's hoping!

Why would you not ask him if he wants a tea and a biscuit, if he is in the room? Ok he can probably make his own but then so could your husband!

He is in the family. If you are unhappy that he is 'baggage' then why marry the man? Did you hope the boy would disappear???