DP's son making me feel like I'm in a relationship with both of them

[Dpmn553]

I hope this is in the right place. Have been with DP for 5 years. He has a 12 year old son who has always lived with him. I moved in around 1 year ago. Before I moved in my relationship with DP's son was manageable. I was like an aunt or a teacher or another influential adult in his life. But since I've moved in, my DP's son has been acting in a way that would suggest he doesn't quite understand the dynamic in the house.

For example, the other day I made myself and my DP a cup of tea and gave him a biscuit with it. His son then started asking why he wasn't also offered a biscuit- I told him he's free to take a biscuit if he wants it. In the morning on my days off I'll ask my DP what he fancies for breakfast. If DP's son is there, he'll get upset and make a point about me not asking or including him (of course I'd make everyone's breakfast in such a situation not just my DP). The dynamic is making me feel very uncomfortable.

He'll insert himself into adult conversations that don't concern him, so much so that we have to be careful what we say infront of him. He seems always to have an opinion about adult issues (mortgages, cars, medical issues) that he knows nothing about, and will offer them when me and DP are in the middle of an important discussion.

I'm probably not explaining it well. It just feels like my DP's son expects me to be treating him like another DP/exactly like his father and not the child that he is and it's creating this weird atmosphere where I cannot be myself and exist in a romantic relation with my DP.

Has anyone experienced anything similar? Is this normal?

Are you a lot younger than your DP? Because you do sound pretty naive and immature. I think PP have articulated perfectly everything that's wrong with your attitude.

He's commented on my make up free face, he notices and comments if I change my earrings or wear new lipstick even before my DP. He often compliments my clothes. He used to enter our bedroom without knocking early on too. And in the early months, there was a time I'd gone downstairs in the early morning to fetch a glass of water and came back to find him sleeping next to my husband!!
My kids might do all this op and none of them are 10 yet, just so you know. I had been gardening and had some petals and plant bits in my hair. My eldest today said you look beautiful with that in your hair mum. (Me: pleased!) him: NOT you look like you’ve been pulled through a hedge. (Me:hmmm) I just mention that so you know being a bit cheeky about your appearance is also very normal, not him picking on you very personally!

Some of what you are describing is just normal "living with teens".

You can't put teens to bed at 8pm (or whenever) like you can with younger children. You can't banish them to sit in their room either. They may go to bed at the same time (or later) than you do. So that means that "couple time" might be in short supply as they are always there. And if they are there, they will expect to be fully included. It's doubly a problem in your situation as your SS is used to having his dad to himself.

In a year or two or three, your stepson will have carved a life that revolves more around friends and being out of the house (or sitting in his room on social media). But at the moment, you have to accept that he will be there. That would be equally true if he was your biological child.

He's at an age where he's noticing what 'girls' do. You have to accept that if you are going to live intimately (as in, in the same house) he will notice details about you.

Keep it light. 'You've changed your earrings' - 'Yeah, I fancied a change.' It's no big deal. He likes clothes, that's ok.

I do wonder if you'd find it so odd if he was a girl?

I read that the peak age for adoption placements to break down is at 12. 12 year olds are annoying. They’re trying to figure out where they fit into family dynamics now that they’re no longer children but nowhere near grown and their confidence can outpace their maturity and their ability to read the room. Sorry to say 13 year olds and 14 year olds can be even more annoying, especially with offering strident opinions on topics they know nothing about.

This is not to depress you, just to reassure you that if things feel tricky it’s not his fault or anyone else’s either, it’s just a tricky age, and having to suddenly share his dad with you all the time must be a big shock on top. I’d make sure the two of them still get plenty of 1-1 time, and also make sure you both expect him to help around the house to a reasonable amount and don’t let him become a lazy slob out of guilt about disrupting his life.

Why did you move in? What happened to your own house?

The poor kid.

He is 12 not 2. Don't exclude him you seem to be thinking you are going to enforce unreasonable boundaries into their lives.

Why didn't you have the manners to ask him if he wanted a biscuit? Why are you sneaking off in him? Hiding a coffee from him?

You don't appear to have realistic impression of what a typical child is at this age. Either work on including him or step away.

I wonder if you’d feel the same way if the child were female? It seems like you’re reading a bit too much into him noticing things about your appearance which are actually quite normal. My DPs DD often notices if I’ve dyed my hair or I’m wearing a new dress before my DP and I always find it quite nice! Would you find it weird if a friend noticed you’d had a haircut before DP did? Maybe your DSS is just more observant than your DP!

My DP’s DD used to do the same thing re: entering the bedroom without knocking - it was just something she’d been used to doing all her life so we just made sure we were prepared to cover up or stop doing anything if you get what I mean!

Maybe if you and DP both start knocking before entering his private space (if you don't already) then it might be a good way to approach a conversation about privacy and boundaries? He’s getting to the age where this will be important to him too.

When my dh first moved in I made to point to him that if he's making me something he also offers them as otherwise he is sending the message that my needs are more important than theirs. Yes he married me and loves me more than anything but without the kids there is no me. It wasn't instant but he loves my kids and we all live together as a family, not a couple with 3 lodgers.

He just sounds like a few gay men I know who describe their childhoods? Most of them describe liking corrie and chatting to their mums friends about their love lives (I was the same but am a woman)

Not to speculate on the boys sexuality or anything, just explaining how normal he is. It doesn't sound like he thinks you're his partner as well as his dad's at all.

Hope he grows up feeling loved by his dad and like he comes first. Because he does, op.

All families have different dynamics and all parents have different sorts of relationships with their children, but the reality of most houses with children in them is that the house revolves around the children when they are there. If parents/partners want time to themselves or their relationship to be at the forefront, they either have to go out or wait until the kids aren't there. You can't really expect children, even at 12, to hold back or "read the room", especially in their own home which is their safe place. They're naturally self-centred and don't share adult boundaries. If they want something or want to be involved, they'll usually ask for it or speak up, however annoying or inconvenient. Personally I think it's quite difficult to live with kids who aren't yours and with whom you've never had a parental role.

This! No way I’m moving in with my DP until all the kids are grown up 😂

What was his situation like before you moved in? This sounds similar to a scenario that plays out on here regularly where the single father has girls and the girls start competing with the girlfriend to be the most important person in the father’s life. It sounds as though the son is starting to enter the first phase of being a man and he’s kind of role playing it in the house. It feels uncomfortable because you are not his biological mother which is why blended families can be difficult to navigate.

My suggestions are having a conversation with his father initially and maybe a conversation with the son in regard to how he is finding the house dynamic and if he is happy.

I understand. I can imagine it well.

What does DP say about it? I think it’s up to him to have a word.

It sounds as though he feels excluded, OP. That's not your fault but you being there must have radically affected the dynamic between him and his dad. He might well like you but resent that change.

My 12 year old son sleeps in our bed a lot, I often sleep in his bed, we have a musical bed situation in our house where we all end up un different beds as the kids want to snuggle with us to go to sleep. In terms of complimenting you maybe he senses you are not happy with him and is trying to make some connection, or coming into the room unnanounced, hes lived with just him and his dad it sounds like for ages so hes never had to knock. you are going to have to find a way to ensure he is felt loved and accepted by you and you are coming into his family remember, not the other way around.

OriginalUsername2 · Today 12:56

I understand. I can imagine it well.
What does DP say about it? I think it’s up to him to have a word

Er,no. It’s up to OP to understand that his son comes first.

I think you need to move out…. For the sons sake

I think I'd find it challenging living with other people's children personally. And certainly nurturing a "couple" type of relationship around them.

It's hard adding any child or adult to an established household, and really important to recognise DS's position as a valued member of the household still. That means being as considerate and inclusive as you can, obviously in an age appropriate way. Offering his dad a biscuit and not him is quite hurtful.
If he chips in on conversations about mortgages and so on, it's a golden opportunity to help him understand how these things work. Of course his questions will be ill informed at first, he's 12! I'd suggest that any conversations you don't want DS to hear should be carried out in private.
I never lived full time with my DSC, just had them to stay one night a week and saw them for holidays and outings. I tried to make them welcome in my home (it was my home and my now DH moved in with me), but looking back there are all kinds of things I wish I had thought of saying and doing, to acknowledge that they have had a really hard time losing their dad's full time presence in their family home and to reassure them that they were welcome and precious.

OP you've had a lot of good advice on here explaining his behaviour, including from those with teens/tweens telling you that's life!

I don't think you're as dreadful as many people are saying you are. You've not been in this situation before and maybe haven't navigated it well so far. But I'm glad you posted and are taking the responses on board. You'll do better from now on. You're not his step mum (MN hates anyone calling themselves a step mum when they're not married to the father!) but to all intents and purposes that's your role now that you have moved in and he lives there permanently. You are a three person household, not a 2+1. You are in a relationship with him and he with you.

But what I've noticed is that the only mention you've made of his father is about sleep and bedtimes. What is he doing to help both you and his son through this major life change? He needs to be taking an active part in this not leaving it all to you and his son to adjust.

Why would he be " replaced" if another child comes along? They'd both be living there

I feel quite sorry for the lad.. this is a precious time for him and his dad as soon he'll be a grumpy teen and probably won't want to be anywhere near you guys. This is the last sweet bit for a while (speaking from experience!). And he's being made to feel unwanted. They leave one day and then that's it, the time has gone.. Their self esteem can really be affected by this type of thing. It sounds like he's managing the dynamic quite well to me.

What jumps out at me is the he doesn’t like us going on our own without him so I would perhaps make sure DSS still has some dates alone with his dad and perhaps you also could do something on your own with DSS
i think the interrupting adults in conversation is more a personality thing than the situation.

I think he sounds like he's behaving as I'd expect a 12 year old to behave. The person behaving oddly here is not him.