DP's son making me feel like I'm in a relationship with both of them

[Dpmn553]

I hope this is in the right place. Have been with DP for 5 years. He has a 12 year old son who has always lived with him. I moved in around 1 year ago. Before I moved in my relationship with DP's son was manageable. I was like an aunt or a teacher or another influential adult in his life. But since I've moved in, my DP's son has been acting in a way that would suggest he doesn't quite understand the dynamic in the house.

For example, the other day I made myself and my DP a cup of tea and gave him a biscuit with it. His son then started asking why he wasn't also offered a biscuit- I told him he's free to take a biscuit if he wants it. In the morning on my days off I'll ask my DP what he fancies for breakfast. If DP's son is there, he'll get upset and make a point about me not asking or including him (of course I'd make everyone's breakfast in such a situation not just my DP). The dynamic is making me feel very uncomfortable.

He'll insert himself into adult conversations that don't concern him, so much so that we have to be careful what we say infront of him. He seems always to have an opinion about adult issues (mortgages, cars, medical issues) that he knows nothing about, and will offer them when me and DP are in the middle of an important discussion.

I'm probably not explaining it well. It just feels like my DP's son expects me to be treating him like another DP/exactly like his father and not the child that he is and it's creating this weird atmosphere where I cannot be myself and exist in a romantic relation with my DP.

Has anyone experienced anything similar? Is this normal?

You need to be including him a lot more. You are the adult. He is a 12 year old child. He was living with his parent and now you have moved into his space and are (from his perspective) ignoring his needs over his Dads and his whole living situation just changed - thats a huge deal for a child. He isnt expecting partner treatment, he is expecting to simply be included and currently if it were him posting a tread for others views, he would probably be saying that his dads partner moved into his home and offers lovely things and gestures to his Dad and leaves him out. I feel for him. Why not just be a bit more inclusive of him. He is your partners son. His know it all behaviour is totally normal for a 12 year old child. My final point - he is a child and you are an adult. Please please be kinder and more inclusive towards him.

Most of what you are describing is totally normal. I'd love to know more of the child's background. Did his mum die or does she see him? I feel he is looking to you like a mum figure. I just don't think you're used to being around kids.

I actually find it quite mean that the son wasn't offered breakfast as well, surely he should be offered? Same with the biscuit? He probably feels left out which is why he's inserting himself into your conversations.

What everyone else said, really.

Good luck OP. Hopefully things will get easier once you have your own space.
You can still have a happy relationship and be a better parent figure without the stress of living together. Your DP should understand it's in best interest of his child aswell.

I think you're getting a bit of a hard time here OP. You're in the wrong, but I think it's out of naivety rather than malice or ignorance.

This is your first relationship, and reasonably enough you're expecting to be number 1 to your partner. However, your DSS is a child, and needs to be (and will always be) your DP's priority. And as his Stepmum (which is effectively what you became when you moved in), he needs to be your number 1 priority as well, at least while he's a child.

It sounds like you expected it to be a very clear, black and white almost "housemates" type situation where you all live independent lives. It's not. You're a family, and the child has to be priority.

From your DSS's perspective, you've suddenly encroached into his physical and emotional space and are competition for his dad's affection. This must feel very unsettling at best, and threating at worst to a 12 year old child. I suspect this is where some of his eavesdropping and comments about sex are coming from. He probably feels very threatened by any type of intimacy (even private conversations) that you and his dad have without him.

It's great you've listened to what people have said here and are planning to move out.

Keeping in mind this is your first relationship, I would also say maybe you should consider ending this relationship altogether? If you want a relationship where you're someone's top priority, and you want to live with your partner, this relationship is not it.

Exactly ! Totally agree

If this was the child posting he'd be saying my "dad's gf has recently moved in and she's making me feel like a stranger in my own home".

Kids butt into adult conversations all the time, don't have them infront of kids.

Offer the boy a biscuit fgs, how flipping rude of u.

If u are making breakfast, ask him what he wants too. He's not just your partners kid, u are now a family so step up STEPMUM.

I would take a breath before you decide to move out, you're not meant to miraculously know how to be a family from day one.

Conversations about bed times can be had, and maybe about regular date nights for the pair of you to get some quality time; around fun activities that work for the 3 of you together, so you can start to find ways to enjoy being a family going forward; and there's nothing wrong with you planning in some time for yourself too - book in a spa with your friends or a cocktail night to let off some steam!

Families focus on kids first. That's just the way it is. So you need to get your head around that. But it doesn't mean you go by the wayside. It means that you get the experience the joys and tribulations of being a family.

All the stuff about biscuits and water is just noise isn't it. Your day to day life just looks different to what you were expecting and it's a shock to the system, but it doesn't sound irretrievable at all. Different could end up being amazing!

Just put your stepson front and centre of your thoughts for a while, as you create your new family routines. It's your job to be proactive in this situation.

Rather than waiting for him to insert himself into conversations, maybe preempt this by actively asking for his input, kids can come out with the weirdest stuff, he may make you smile! And if you need to have a private conversation, do it away from him so you can talk properly. Or if you want to just have a chat with friends stopping in for coffee without interruptions, then organise for him to have a friend round at the same time.

Rather than getting his water on demand, create a new habit of having a large jug and glasses on the table and that can be his thing to do at each meal.

You get the idea.

Plan ahead, communicate, create new routines that work for all of you, and most importantly have fun being a family. It's a gift.

I don't get why giving him a biscuit was a problem

If I were you I’d move out. The step parenting thing is probably just not for you and there’s nothing wrong with that. I couldn’t do it either.

This is so sad :( please include him

@Dpmn553 As you've posted more I have come to understand things further and the difficult balance you face. Living with a 12 year old must have been a big adjustment, especially if you've been used to your own space and privacy. Equally, from your DSS perspective he seems somewhat used to his old ways with your DP.

It seems like he's used to always being included by his father and perhaps even being a bit indulged, perhaps due to your DP being lonely at home in the evenings. Making for a parent-child relationship with few boundaries. It's now difficult to introduce those boundaries, even if it is your DP doing so, without a backlash.

Which leads me on to the fact that you need to have a long chat with your partner. He needs to be stepping up more. Why should the clearing up in the evenings be left to you? Perhaps it's is that they're more lax with these things, if so then you taking a step back might be a good way of making them step up? It sounds like you making DSS an evening tray is a lovely way of you showing you care for him. Him expecting you to fetch him water at dinner comes across as slightly misogynistic. That and the cleaning makes me think if this is taught behaviour.

Is it possible to talk to your partner about the privacy situation? Is there a third bedroom or somewhere that can be definitively set up as your space? Where you can escape if overwhelmed and be sure of privacy?

I definitely think you need to talk to your partner. He should be doing a lot more here. If he'd stepped up then this wouldn't be happening.

It's clear he just wants his dad to himself again???

You need to nice out, for everyone's sake

He just wants to feel included OP. Your the newbie in the house and need to make the effort to get everyone together in a new 'normal'. He used to it being just him and his dad and prior to your arrival would have beeb treated quite maturely by dad and had an input in everything so why would it stop with your arrival? It's also fairly normal for a 12 Yr old who is trying to find out where he fits in this new dynamic to try and insert himself more vocally. You need to be more open to creating that family dynamic with him included otherwise it won't fair well for you in the long run.

I think you're doing the right thing moving out and I hope your relationship doesn't end over it. I'm probably ND and my own kids, who are all ND, drive me crazy at times, I wouldn't put up with things like the noise and all the hugs and other physical contact and the lack of personal space and constant demands for anyone else's kids. they're. I absolutely couldn't cope with someone else's and would never live with a man who has kids at home. Not sure I'd ever live with a man again, but it would be a definite no if they had kids at home.

That's not normal behaviour asking about sex at all, he's a jealous brat thst needs boundaries, throwing a tantrum because you shared a bed ffs.
Move out ASAP and see where it goes from there, I will guess it will be worse as little lord fontleroy will see it as he had won.
Slightly different and long story cut short but when I was 38 my dear mother died, my father very soon met another woman, she made him choose her or me/my sister.
He chose her, and via solicitors letter told us his life had taken a change in direction we didn't feature in it anymore and we were disinherited. We have never seen or spoken to him since.

⬆️ This! That's normal family life. If you want him to only pop up when it's convenient then you shouldn't have moved in or you need to reassess what being in a relationship with a single father is like.

Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t. He’s actually the sweetest most respectful boy, doesn’t treat me as a servant, he’s very grateful for all he has but he’s 11 and sometimes they just can’t be bothered. Don’t read so much into it.

Regardless, you were bringing biscuits, your appearing very mean and petty. Ask yourself, did you write the original post because you resent dc and were hoping for validation? To say that you think he wants treating like another. DP is one of the most ludicrous things I’ve ever read on mumsnet. Grow up! He’s a child and he needs caring for, it’s you that’s being the typical wicked stepmother. The thing about breakfast you wrote, is it only dp that gets a choice in what he eats, you said you would get breakfast for you all, but is dc expected just to have a plate put in front of him without being asked, 1 what he wants and 2 does he actually want anything? Stop trying to sideline him, you might find in the end that dp will pick him over you, which by the way, would be the right thing given your behaviour. It was your choice to get into a relationship with a family, now be part of it or LEAVE!

… and no relationship with children involved will be.

That’s why parents don’t still spend all day gazing at each other and holding hands and snogging. Babies ( think no sleep, sore boobs etc) are nature’s way of changing the dynamic because that would frankly be a bit 🤢 to grow up around. I’ve known one or two people whose parents behaved in that love bubble way of lovers who aren’t parents, and it has really left its mark on them even as adults. If you are stepping into a readymade family you have to tone all that first flush stuff down , at least round the Dc. But to me it sounds as though - understandably, esp if you’ve not had many relationships - you are quite focused on that, so I just don’t think it’s an ideal relationship for you.,

Going entirely against the grain here with my advice here but I identify deeply with your scenario OP.
I moved in with my partner and his daughter 10 years ago when she was 11. She is an only child and he had residence so the two very much came as a unit.

As someone without kids it was quite difficult to grasp how the child is the centre of the parents world and they will
literally drop everything to find a jumper, get a biscuit, locate a school bag, doing anything and everything their child requires regardless of what they are doing in that moment. You and your needs quite frequently and rightly don’t come first in the way they do in a relationship without children.

The parent and child have developed their own world and the child is often used to being consulted/part of the decision making in things that seem adult. My partner took his daughter with him everywhere so she was more accustomed to conversing with adults than children and didn’t see anything off at all about interjecting into conversations and offering opinions. It’s partly that and also the only child thing.

I realised that I had been misdirecting my annoyance and I was angry at a child who was just living the way she always had and that I needed to work out a way to exist in their world but also my partner needed to help make that happen. I resolved to talk to him about things I found tricky e.g no bedtime so not being able to have any adult time in the evenings to chat or watch tv we liked. Your partner needs to be the one to reassure his son you are not a threat whilst also understanding he invited this change into their lives by agreeing to you moving in and some work needs to be done to make it viable.

A great deal depends on whether your partner is the sort of person to consider maybe there could be some boundaries implemented so no one is ‘ruling the roost’ per se but everyone needs to be comfortable in their own home. Maybe he is or maybe he’s the sort of person who will defend his parenting/their set up to the end or he might be open minded enough to consider your views.
A lot of it is how you convey that to him also. Demanding change and issuing ultimatums can be counter productive and helps no one. Trying to frame it as ‘ it might be helpful if DS got to bed a bit earlier given he’s always tired in the morning.’
One of my major bug bears was my SD would always go to sit in the front seat of the car when we went anywhere together and looked miffed when I suggested she get in the back.
My partner was oblivious and in fairness my SD didn’t get it at all as she was just doing what she had always done. I had to put my annoyance aside and explain to my partner it was infantilising and felt disrespectful to me. Once he knew that he had no issue saying ‘in the back’ to SD which she happily did. But it took me to express it in a way that was non confrontational and me acting like a child.

When you have yet to experience having children yourself it can often feel like parents are being ‘indulgent’. I realised if SD had been my child I would have had no issue prioritising her over a partner like my other half was doing and what was actually happening was I was annoyed I was second in the pecking order, she would always come before me.

If your partner is otherwise good and your relationship is healthy then adjust your thinking and work on boundaries for DS.
We had lots of difficult conversations over the last ten years but in reality I adore my SD and I came to realise she made me a better less self centred person, I was the privileged one to be in her life, she let me into her home and taught me how to put someone else’s needs in front of my own.

I often think now how being a step parent can be really good experience if you want to have your own children. Before you actually have one you get a chance to see who you are as a parent and how ready you are to no longer be the top priority.

good luck and one final word, sometimes you really just need to let them get on with whatever it is you don’t like/agree with. The phrase, ‘not my monkey, not my circus’ came in very handy a few times over the years.

For good or bad, you have to include the young boy. He feels he's being sidelined, especially as he's had (been spoilt with the) 100% attention of his Dad. Inclusion, a bit of caring, is the best (psychological) approach with a dose of gentle and steady -- encouragement to him to become more independent so that he can pick and choose. It's natural for people to feel left out or slighted if in the same room (space) others are "asked" selectively. We've all been there!! Good luck.

I think you need to treat him more like your step son and less like a random lodger. There’s nothing particularly out of the ordinary here and I’m a step mum to pre teen/teen kids (been around since they were little). Since having my own daughter I feel very differently about them, I used to find them a bit intrusive and didn’t like having them in my bedroom etc. since having my own daughter I love my step kids so much more and do a lot more for them. I feel quite motherly towards them and enjoy taking care of them.

He needs including and feels insecure at the change in living arrangements. Ask him what he’d like to eat, ask him his opinion on (not particularly adult or important) things, let him choose something to watch on telly.

Some, however, is teen behaviour. Trying to but into conversation with their opinion on things they know nothing about, wanting to stay up til all hours etc. These need boundaries from his dad.