DP's son making me feel like I'm in a relationship with both of them

[Dpmn553]

I hope this is in the right place. Have been with DP for 5 years. He has a 12 year old son who has always lived with him. I moved in around 1 year ago. Before I moved in my relationship with DP's son was manageable. I was like an aunt or a teacher or another influential adult in his life. But since I've moved in, my DP's son has been acting in a way that would suggest he doesn't quite understand the dynamic in the house.

For example, the other day I made myself and my DP a cup of tea and gave him a biscuit with it. His son then started asking why he wasn't also offered a biscuit- I told him he's free to take a biscuit if he wants it. In the morning on my days off I'll ask my DP what he fancies for breakfast. If DP's son is there, he'll get upset and make a point about me not asking or including him (of course I'd make everyone's breakfast in such a situation not just my DP). The dynamic is making me feel very uncomfortable.

He'll insert himself into adult conversations that don't concern him, so much so that we have to be careful what we say infront of him. He seems always to have an opinion about adult issues (mortgages, cars, medical issues) that he knows nothing about, and will offer them when me and DP are in the middle of an important discussion.

I'm probably not explaining it well. It just feels like my DP's son expects me to be treating him like another DP/exactly like his father and not the child that he is and it's creating this weird atmosphere where I cannot be myself and exist in a romantic relation with my DP.

Has anyone experienced anything similar? Is this normal?

Op it’s clear from the way you write that you have no understanding of children.

This is a child who is adjusting to a new family dynamic. He needs reassurance that his place in the family unit is secure.

as a PP said… you’re the outsider. You’ve chosen fo live with a man that had a child. You need to put the effort in with that child to build your relationship and ensure he feels secure. And yes, that includes giving him a biscuit when you offer his dad one!!

OP, I wouldn’t worry that any of this means you’re ND or not suited to motherhood. Moving into a home and being expected to fit in with two other (male) people’s behaviour would be difficult for anyone. Ignore the pps with a chip on their shoulder who seem to think ALL stepmothers must be evil. You sound like a decent and normal person, in a difficult situation. Sounds like you have made a sensible decision choosing to move out. Best of luck 💐

ps to the pp who said it’s normal for her dd to walk into her bedroom without knocking, that is NOT the same as having a 12 year old stepson walking into the bedroom without knocking.

@Dishwashersaurous

Maybe talk to your partner and explain that
You need quality time with him, and just him 2 or three nights a week.

You can't do that when you have kids.

In the weeks after I moved in, he made me get up from the dining table whilst we were eating dinner to get him a glass of water.

Who “made you” do this and how did they “make you” do it?

Include the poor lad. When you got together with a father you needed to accept his set up. His priorities.

I hope your partner pulls you up when you exclude his son.

Only thought I'd add is that if you stay in this relationship you'll end up much closer to DSS eventually and just be sure you don't look back with regret at not making the most of his innocent days while he was young. My DSS was a typical 12 year old like yours and we've always got on well but in those days like you I didn't want to step on anyone's toes or what have you. In hindsight I wish I'd been more forthcoming with him, reading him a story, taking him out to kick a ball about etc - he's a lovely young man and I miss the days of him being a chirpy lad piping up at the wrong time!

There are other things that have happened and I've constantly been second guessing myself not knowing what's normal. I'm pretty certain I am ND but I've managed to set up my life to compensate for the things I find difficult wrt employment and my relationships; that is until I moved in with my DP who really is my world- I was in a dark place before I met him, and I owe him loads.

DP's son once told me (not his dad) that he's heard us having sex the morning after. He once asked me when we last had sex. This was very soon after I moved in and my DP has spoken about it and such comments have since stopped. We travelled together once and he had a tantrum about me and DP sharing the double bed. It's frustrating not being able to explain the discomfort properly without conveying entirely the wrong picture. But I have a need to be comfortable in my own home. I don't dislike DP's son at all, and we had a much better relationship before I moved in- hopefully we can get back to this.

As I have said, my decision is made and I am not one to go back once I have made a decision. Just finding the right time and the right words. Hopefully my relationship with DP will survive this.

He's 12, he's neither fish nor fowl and is working out where he fits in. At 12 many kids (not all) know they are leaving childhood behind so he's trying, badly, to fit in with the next stage.
Your private conversations need to take place in private, do things as a family that embrace him as a young adult.

You seem to have missed out the massively important part of any childhood is LEARNING how to grow up. This child is desperate for interaction and guidance. He needs to be shown and taught how to interact socially.

You and your partner don’t seem to be teaching this child the social skills he needs.

I think you're probably right, you'd all have better relationships when living in your own spaces

Exactly. I feel sorry for him. His dad made a wrong choice

Did I read that you and your DP have been together 5 years? Surely you must have had some sort of a relationship with his son before you moved in?
You need to include him in basic things, asking if he wants a drink and giving him a biscuit, asking about what food he wants is pretty basic. It seems like you're unintentionally leaving him out.
Speak to dp about your bedroom being for adults only, about you needing a space that's just yours to go to if needed.
12 is a weird age and they're finding themselves, pushing boundaries. Remember he's now sharing his dad, this will be a significant adjustment for him.
Let him get involved with conversations. He's learning and wanting to engage, if it's too adult or private, don't have it when he's there.

I would expect to offer both my DP & any other people in a room a drink/ biscuit …
it’s rude to only offer one person a drink and not another….
I think what you describe IS you excluding the boy… would you cook only for DP & expect the boy to get his own? You either offer everyone a drink, or no-one… it’s surely basic manners??

But his son wasn't IN the room. He was in a different room and wasn't present when tea/biscuits were made & offered.

OP, whilst you are living with DP and his son you are part of his upbringing whether you like it or not.

Step parenting is bloody hard work. Again, like it or not step children deserve step parents who are willing to take on this hard work.

Your step son deserves to feel that he matters to you, and that he is not in competition with you for his father's love and time. Your posts give the opposite impression. He is bound to have picked up on this, and things like the biscuit or hot drink stories make it patently obvious to him that you're more interested in keeping him in his place than making him feel like you care about him. You should be working hard to make him trust that you care, whereas you're working hard to make him feel unimportant and small.

Your stance WRT him having opinions is really sad IMO. Young people need to be allowed to express their thoughts as a part of growing up. Inevitably they will miss the point at times- they are learning about the world and their place in it on wobbly Bambi legs. There needs to be a balance between allowing them to express opinions that you disagree with, and correcting them. If you shoot them down or shut them up they begin to learn their opinions don't matter and / or fail to develop those opinions.

Why wouldn’t you ask him if he wanted breakfast too? Or a biscuit? I think you’re being unreasonable here. I couldn’t exclude someone like that.

I love this post @formerbrosfan.

Sorry, read updates..
I think you need to set some boundaries.
your bedroom is out of bounds… and he does not get in your bed under any circumstances!
Yoy also need to implement your expectation that he goes to bed at 9pm, or at least to his own room.. you’re also not there to cook and clean… maybe he could help you cook, peel, chop etc… and DP also needs to take his turn!!!
Also NO…. You don’t keep the fact you’ve been out while he’s at his friends, mothers, school etc a secret… you tell him that you’re adults and don’t have to ask permission to go out, also ask him how he’d like it if you said he couldn’t go out with friends or do nice things without you!!

I have to ask… does he have any form of ADHD? Is lack of boundaries & jealousy that you go out reminds me of my friends DD,she can’t tell her DD she’s going out till literally she’s getting… or she sulks for days/weeks/months about the pending outing

Is he your husband or your DP? You've referred to him as both.

Why could he hear you having sex? Maybe he threw a tantrum about the bed while you were away because he was upset at the prospect of having to listen to you in a (presumably) smaller space.

And that is fair enough, but you then went on to offer DP a biscuit, and DC obviously eats biscuits so I understand why he was upset.

Wouldn't you ask them both what they fancy for breakfast, why just DP?

You have to see it from his perspective, it was just him and your DP and then you come along and its you and DP and he feels left out and it does sound (from his perspective) that you are ignoring him.

If you don't have kids, it takes some getting used to and I appreciate it may not be intentional, but as the adult you do need to think before you speak.

This child’s home life dynamic has been totally disrupted by your moving in, include him and show him kindness. He’s upset about the meal or coffee because he wants to be included & not feel like you’re ’taking’ his dad away from him. The poster who said a (good) parent will always side with their child in this scenario is spot on. I feel so sorry for this boy… I really hope his father steps up and lets him know that he’s the most important person in his life… because he will be!

Him not drinking tea makes no difference at all! If you're making your partner a drink and a biscuit, you ask the lad if he wants a drink. It won't be tea but you offer him the drink of his choice.

This is one of the weirdest OPs and updates I've seen on Mumsnet.
Even with my grandchildren, when I offer their parents a drink and a biscuit the little ones are offered a drink too. It makes no odds that the adults have coffee and a shortbread, and the kids get apple juice and a pink wafer. Everyone is cared for and catered for.

That poor lad.

😅👏🏻👏🏻

my DP's son expects me to be treating him like another DP

Sorry Op, but saying something like this is not you being naive, just very weird.
Makes me wonder what kind of childhood/ family life you experienced.

We're not married.

We are very very careful. And the travelling incident happened way before I even moved in/he claimed to have heard us having sex.

I think it might be best I step away from the thread now. I'm grateful for all the advice. The responses have allowed me to see sense and shed light on my own shortcomings as an adult/parent figure in this child's life. I have updated you all to let you know I shall be leaving soon enough (I have my own place I can move back go easily thankfully).

Thanks again everyone.