DP's son making me feel like I'm in a relationship with both of them

[Dpmn553]

I hope this is in the right place. Have been with DP for 5 years. He has a 12 year old son who has always lived with him. I moved in around 1 year ago. Before I moved in my relationship with DP's son was manageable. I was like an aunt or a teacher or another influential adult in his life. But since I've moved in, my DP's son has been acting in a way that would suggest he doesn't quite understand the dynamic in the house.

For example, the other day I made myself and my DP a cup of tea and gave him a biscuit with it. His son then started asking why he wasn't also offered a biscuit- I told him he's free to take a biscuit if he wants it. In the morning on my days off I'll ask my DP what he fancies for breakfast. If DP's son is there, he'll get upset and make a point about me not asking or including him (of course I'd make everyone's breakfast in such a situation not just my DP). The dynamic is making me feel very uncomfortable.

He'll insert himself into adult conversations that don't concern him, so much so that we have to be careful what we say infront of him. He seems always to have an opinion about adult issues (mortgages, cars, medical issues) that he knows nothing about, and will offer them when me and DP are in the middle of an important discussion.

I'm probably not explaining it well. It just feels like my DP's son expects me to be treating him like another DP/exactly like his father and not the child that he is and it's creating this weird atmosphere where I cannot be myself and exist in a romantic relation with my DP.

Has anyone experienced anything similar? Is this normal?

Although your examples are a bit crap I think i do get it and seen this with my niece , my brothers a single parent and she’s been so involved in everything she always has opinions on things like what type of car he should buy, holidays they should go on, she even goes through his bank statements to see how much he’s spent on himself. (As in he should spent the same on her) Basically he treated her not like a child at times and more like a partner somehow in how he speaks to her and make's decisions? It is hard to describe tbh.

A 12 year old asking her to get home water is ridiculous . Occasionally🙄, sure but not every night. He's not asking his dad is he?

Yabu. You basically are his step mum therefore step up if you ask ya partner if he wants something u also ask his child. I cannot imagine not asking.

If it makes you feel better my son who is nearly 12 asks me to get him drinks in the middle of dinner and walks in to talk to me while I’m in the bathroom. From reading all your posts I don’t think you are a bad person, you just aren’t connected to him, so the things pre teens/children do are more annoying to you, than his Dad who has a bond with him. I guess it’s up to you to decide if you can form a bond with him and/or set boundaries so that you all feel comfortable. It’s a learning curve for you all but you need to decide if you can be in a relationship with a man who has a child who ultimately comes first.

If it makes you feel better my son who is nearly 12 asks me to get him drinks in the middle of dinner

And do you?

No wonder so many men feel entitled to treat women like domestic servants

Sorry but you are not thinking straight, you are a household so if you're making drinks and biscuits of course you offer him one too, and asking his opinion on breakfast is right too. Kids of his age will often join adult conversations too and it's a good thing, they can learn about all the things that they need to learn as adults like mortgages!

I don't think you are cut out to be a step mum

I think this is a tween thing, rather than a boy thing. My DD does the same (and gets told she knows where the tap is).

I'd have offered to make him a drink of some sort and offered a biscuit with it.

Also, he's allowed to have opinions on "adult" topics. How else can he learn cognitive reasoning skills and develop logical arguments if isn't allowed to join in at home? It is annoying but it's important. Far worse if he doesn't get to air them now - he'll end up as one of those people on FB!

I read all your posts. I hope that you don't move out or write yourself out of motherhood just because of this or being ND. Your stepson clearly likes you, which is something that many stepmums are never able to figure out. You have been very socially aware in asking for advice and have taken it well. Also it's different with your own children. Have a chat with your partner about how you've been feeling.

This seems very familiar. You have posted before haven’t you?

Yes both boys and girls do it. I’ve been told it can be wanting to be babied as a kind of realisation they are moving into teenage years - kind of like 7 and 8 year olds sometimes revert to baby talk.

I feel very sad that you're just there to serve, clean and cook.

It doesn't sound like you feel comfortable and you should in your own home.

The boy and his Dad have a normal child/relationship in my opinion, please don't change that and ask for it to change, it sounds really sweet.

YABU.

You're a family. Sounds like you're not sure about that, but you need to be. Otherwise you're being an AH to the kid. Offer him a biscuit if he's in range, and ask him what he wants for breakfast. He's not a partner, nor is he 'nobody', he's a child. How would you like it?

RE joining in adult conversations... that's quite normal and often annoying but they're trying to learn about the world and trying to join in the family. If you can't be bothered to explain the grown-up thing then have the conversation later.

Won't last long they'll be a teenager soon. If they stay a nice person that wants to converse with their parents and learn about boring adult things you're very lucky!

… or mumsnet. Like us . 😂

but the kid wasn't around when OP went to make tea. Was she supposed to go hunting for him? I agree if the boy was in nearby public rooms one would offer him a cookie but if he's in his bedroom on another floor is OP supposed to go tap on the door and say hi here's a cookie? Thats a bit much isn't it?

Or OP could just be normal and stop overthinking. Look if my DP asked to get a drink I might ir not depending...how they ask how often etc etc....it's called life. If DSS asks just play it by ear buy if your DP to you is serious you'd learn...it's nit too difficult

I’d say, I’m making a cuppa, does anyone else want anything to drink and a biscuit ? Who wants what for breakfast? If the boy is upstairs I would call his name and ask the question. That’s what I did with mine. That deals with 2 points. The lad probably has little experience of the family dynamic. He’s got adjustments to make, too, and nothing to base it on.
On the plus side for OP, in 3 or 4 years, he will be out with his pals and finding girlfriends rather than wanting to hang with Dad. His absences will get longer.

He is not her step son! She is not married to his father.

Partner is used interchangeably with bf and then also with husband by people but being married and an in-law is a legal as well as an actual definition.

Just the fact that you say ‘I went to get a glass of water and when I got back, he was asleep next to MY husband’ says everything about your mindset. He is first and foremost HIS Father, he was before you and he always will be.

This is the basis of where you should start all family dynamics.

I say this as both a step child (I lived with a step mum) and as a step parent of some 30 years (my husband had two young children when we met) I’ve always made sure that my husband spends quality time (without me) with our children (we have one child together too), pizza nights, Xmas shopping together, holidays, go carting, meals out. I levelled myself as their Dad’s wife (not Stepmum) I am always available if they need me but I never ever interfere in their relationship with their Dad. It has served us well and when we are all together I feel proud that we have managed to create this family together (this makes it sound smug and easy, it wasn’t!!!!) Aim for harmony not control. He won’t be in your home forever but he will be in your life for as long as you are with his Father. Xxx

It sounds like he wants you to treat him like your son and doesn’t realize you’re only interested in his father, not him. I think you need to adjust your expectations though - this is what you have to deal with when you move in with a man and his child. If you want to just be in a love bubble with your other half either date someone without a child or stay separately and just have him visit alone.

Why not put water on the table, or a jug. Or give him the job of water on the table. Maybe he is feeling that he cannot just get up and get a water without upsetting you …
please let him know he can help in the kitchen.

The things that trouble you are so “not” issues

If you making tea and biscuits for your dp why not bring a drink and a biscuit for his son at the same time. Yabu in this example. Unless a back story

You need to stand him in the corner with a big hat on with a D on it, throw a board rubber at him and explain to him that he shouldn’t even be seen never mind heard. Alternatively you could move back out and leave this family alone.

Nobody is worried about his lack of biscuits, we are worried about him being sidelined in his home, his family with his dad. You are treating him like an outsider.

I've read so odd things on here over the years, but this is one of the strangest and unhealthy attitudes to a step child I've seen in a long time.

Leave him and his dad alone. It’s clear you don’t like him, and he would’ve picked up on this, hence wanting to be around his dad all the time.