DP's son making me feel like I'm in a relationship with both of them

[Dpmn553]

I hope this is in the right place. Have been with DP for 5 years. He has a 12 year old son who has always lived with him. I moved in around 1 year ago. Before I moved in my relationship with DP's son was manageable. I was like an aunt or a teacher or another influential adult in his life. But since I've moved in, my DP's son has been acting in a way that would suggest he doesn't quite understand the dynamic in the house.

For example, the other day I made myself and my DP a cup of tea and gave him a biscuit with it. His son then started asking why he wasn't also offered a biscuit- I told him he's free to take a biscuit if he wants it. In the morning on my days off I'll ask my DP what he fancies for breakfast. If DP's son is there, he'll get upset and make a point about me not asking or including him (of course I'd make everyone's breakfast in such a situation not just my DP). The dynamic is making me feel very uncomfortable.

He'll insert himself into adult conversations that don't concern him, so much so that we have to be careful what we say infront of him. He seems always to have an opinion about adult issues (mortgages, cars, medical issues) that he knows nothing about, and will offer them when me and DP are in the middle of an important discussion.

I'm probably not explaining it well. It just feels like my DP's son expects me to be treating him like another DP/exactly like his father and not the child that he is and it's creating this weird atmosphere where I cannot be myself and exist in a romantic relation with my DP.

Has anyone experienced anything similar? Is this normal?

Imagine your parents smugly eating chocolate chip cookies and not offering you one...

This is how childhood trauma is caused.

He sounds exactly like my kids that are similar ages. If you don't want the experience of living with normal children then you should've stayed living separately.

Yes YABU but at least you've asked so now you know. Your DP and his son are a package deal. You are literally in a relationship with both of them in the sense that you cannot have a relationship with your DP that your stepson is somehow ... External to?

As you live with them, you need to treat them both like immediate family. Your stepson isn't a lodger in his own home, but an equal member of the household. In fact in a very real sense, he "outranks" you - he is a child and he was there first.

Imagine that instead of a stepson, a close adult relative was living with you on a permanent basis. Would you offer your partner a biscuit in their presence and just ignore them? Would you ask your DP what to have for breakfast and just act like they weren't there? Would you have discussions or lengthy conversations in front of them with your DP, and completely exclude them?

You can't expect your son to keep our of your business, even if you consider the issues being discussed to be "adult". Whether they are or not, he wants to be included not condescended to or ignored. He sounds like a completely typical 12 year old.

Really? If I was making tea in the front room I wouldn't have been banging on DSs bedroom door asking if he wanted one. Obviously if he was in the front room with me I would

Stop making excuses, you've messed it up. Put it right, and remember this is a difficult time for him.

Thank God someone said it! What the actual fuck? What modern woman still does this? No wonder he doesn’t want you leave…and no wonder the 12 year old lad is wanting you to wait on him. Jeez wake up op! 🙄

So mean, poor boy

This

NEWSFLASH - You ARE in a relationship with both of them.
And he’s 12, not 2. Of course he wants to be included in conversations.
Oh, and it wouldn’t kill you to make the poor little bugger a hot chocolate and a couple of Jammy Dodgers when you put the kettle on.

OP it sounds like you didn’t have much of a relationship with DSS before you moved in and now there’s any expectation that you operate like any normal family with a 12 year old and you’ve realised that’s not going to work for you. That’s fine. But please don’t drag this out. Your partner does need to prioritise his son and his son is naturally a bit confused about the rules of you living there.

If this truly isn’t what you want them break it off and move out. Nobody would blame you but please don’t stay and expect your partner to suddenly start shutting out his own son in his own house.

I’m confused - you call him your husband here? But you always refer to the boy as your DP’s son. So he’s your step-son? Married or not to be honest if you’re living with him he’s your step son - and he’s probably dealing with an awful lot adjusting to this new home-life. You sound very disassociated from him - I feel really sorry for the child.

Ooooo jammy dodgers!

He sounds very normal to me. My 11 year old son would also get extremely annoyed if I didn’t involve him in things, and leave him out. He butts in every conversation. He’s our son, he has a say in our house.
I think your stepson wants to be treated like a son too.

Lord help me but my five year old would also not be happy if I ordered his dad breakfast and not him, or have everyone a biscuit except him. He also thinks he gets a say and has an opinion, and doesn't like us going out without him. It's just normal. No one likes to be excluded in their own home.

To be honest, I would move out purely because I want to go to bed before midnight!

I think your DP is a slack parent.

To be honest your moving in doesn't feel well planned or thought through. (Moving in with a nearly teen is courting disaster IMO)

I would move out and continue the relationship as you did before the move. If that is possible.

I thin it would be normal to offer him a biscuit when offering partner, food etc. he’s a child.
also the opinion on everything perfectly normal teen boy thing :-)
only children also are always much more adult like and involved in everything.

He gets a snack tray made up by me most nights, with a selection of fruits biscuits and savoury snacks. He is not deprived of biscuits so please don't be worried for him.

In the weeks after I moved in, he made me get up from the dining table whilst we were eating dinner to get him a glass of water. Not knowing what's normal, although taken a back slightly, I did this for a while before telling my DP I felt uncomfortable with it being a frequent request whilst we were sat having dinner, and with the kitchen and dining room being open plan, he could have easily gone himself.

I haven't articulated this well, and as I said I might be struggling to relate to him, so I deserve all the comments I'm getting. I will be discussing my moving with DP in the coming days.

I can't tell if you're joking or not

You're living with two males who think you're there to service their needs, albeit different ones.

Yeah and this. I think both Dad & son are taking the piss. Move out, Dad can fetch his own snacks and son can get his own glasses of water 🙄

DP and his son come as a package. It is surprising you moved in when you struggle to relate to his son. It is natural that you would assume a stepmother role… perhaps it is better to live separately

This sounds really unkind. You moved in with your partner, but he has a child who lives with whim and who he is responsible for. It has to be a family. You can't just exclude your stepson.

OP you are in a relationship with both of them and DSS is a child who needs prioritizing in his and both of your home.
Parenthood means you don't get much time with your DP, and the child comes first and deserves consideration.
And your DSS will be hitting the teenage years soon and it could all go wrong if you are battling your DSS for priority attention within the home.

Good luck

This is pretty typical of kids who are only children. They do tend to insert themselves into adult conversation more than other children might, in my experience, because they don't have the company of other children in the house. In his case it's probably intensified by the fact that it's just been him and his dad for so long. He's also at that age where he is starting to understand and take notice of adult conversations and topics and have an opinion on them. Best get used to it, because it's only going to get worse.

You've chosen to move in with a family, not just one man. You seem to want to pretend that it's just you and your DP there and airbrush your stepson out of the picture.

DP's son has been acting in a way that would suggest he doesn't quite understand the dynamic in the house..

I'd suggest perhaps it's you who doesn't understand the dynamic in the house, not him.

What bollocks! She’s moved in with a ‘family’ as ostensibly the step mother figure - of course you treat the kid like an important and completely included part of that unit. Girl or boy child it makes no difference. If Op can’t rise to it she definitely must move out. Extremely confusing and traumatic for any kid to be marginalised like that.