DP's son making me feel like I'm in a relationship with both of them

[Dpmn553]

I hope this is in the right place. Have been with DP for 5 years. He has a 12 year old son who has always lived with him. I moved in around 1 year ago. Before I moved in my relationship with DP's son was manageable. I was like an aunt or a teacher or another influential adult in his life. But since I've moved in, my DP's son has been acting in a way that would suggest he doesn't quite understand the dynamic in the house.

For example, the other day I made myself and my DP a cup of tea and gave him a biscuit with it. His son then started asking why he wasn't also offered a biscuit- I told him he's free to take a biscuit if he wants it. In the morning on my days off I'll ask my DP what he fancies for breakfast. If DP's son is there, he'll get upset and make a point about me not asking or including him (of course I'd make everyone's breakfast in such a situation not just my DP). The dynamic is making me feel very uncomfortable.

He'll insert himself into adult conversations that don't concern him, so much so that we have to be careful what we say infront of him. He seems always to have an opinion about adult issues (mortgages, cars, medical issues) that he knows nothing about, and will offer them when me and DP are in the middle of an important discussion.

I'm probably not explaining it well. It just feels like my DP's son expects me to be treating him like another DP/exactly like his father and not the child that he is and it's creating this weird atmosphere where I cannot be myself and exist in a romantic relation with my DP.

Has anyone experienced anything similar? Is this normal?

I'd think your DP would probably want his son included rather than excluded.

Does he know that you are depriving him of biscuits?

I'd be upset if I wasn't getting a chocolate hobnob, or someone wasn't sharing the Jaffa cakes...

Of course you should be offering him breakfast, snacks etc. He needs to be included like any other member of the family. When you moved in you basically agreed to take on the role of "bonus mum". If you're not willing or able to do that you need to look at yourself. He deserves better.

This. I think you’re the one who needs to adapt. You’re moving in with a little family.

He'll insert himself into adult conversations that don't concern him, so much so that we have to be careful what we say infront of him. He seems always to have an opinion about adult issues (mortgages, cars, medical issues) that he knows nothing about, and will offer them when me and DP are in the middle of an important discussion.

TBH this is just how kids learn. They plunge in with their naive opinions and then the adults explain what they’re not seeing so that they can understand better. Maybe he could use a bit of work being told “You’re welcome to join in the conversation but please make sure you wait your turn”, but it seems like the OP just wants him to butt out entirely.

On the other hand, I think midnight is way too late for a 12-year-old to be up and I can understand that the OP wants a little time alone with her partner. 10.30pm is plenty late enough as a bedtime for a pre-teen. Mine are in bed an hour before that.

@WearyAuldWumman not the point of this thread but just brilliant that you offered to file your parents tax return for them, can't stop laughing! Encapsulates the tricky age of being very knowledgeable before your time very well 🤣

Oh, I was a complete pain! My parents' were saints.

Really?
His feeling left out, poor kid ! Feel sorry for him.

I'd be devastated if I wasn't offered a fig roll, I bloody love them!

You are basically very rude!!!!

This won’t help at all. If he feels you’re sneaking about it will cause him to not trust you. And trust is massive to a preteen… ( well anyone). My daughter was like this with me. Couldn’t go anywhere without her, not malicious on her part. Just because she didn’t want to be alone. Put yourself in this little lads shoes. He feels left out! Same would apply if his two best friends went to the park without him. You shouldn’t have to pretend you aren’t going somewhere or doing something. Just say “we are doing this just us, tomorrow though we are all going to XYZ” and please please make sure you make sure he still gets alone time with his dad!!!

It sounds a bit like you've become the house slave, making drinks and snacks. Does your boyfriend ever take a turn?

Reminds me of the episode of Only fools, where Delboy reconnects with his ex, Pauline. She makes Del an amazing steak dinner and he comments on how he hasn’t had a steak like that in ages!!! Rodney says “I know, we had corned beef!!!” When questioned as to why when he gave her money to feed Rodney and Grandad also she replies with “I’ll cook for you and me, and you and me only!!”

He's bloody 12 not a adult he will want to be included

Mortgage advice. 😂😂😂 That cracked me up.

OP I am a stepmum. I get where you’re from at his inserting himself into conversations but see it like this:

Try to imagine him as your own and how you’d teach your own child. He is still learning. Bio mums of babies and toddlers involve them “what shall we have for lunch today?” The baby of course isn’t going to really decide but it’s all part of learning and developing language and social skills!

Yes he may not be able to offer the best mortgage and car advice 😂 but again he’s learning from you both about life and take it as a compliment that he looks up to you that he wants to be involved and learning from you both!

With the biscuit thing you may think he’s old enough but again take it as a compliment that he wants you to ‘mother’ him and offer him a biscuit.

If it helps and you have that sort of relationship, try to make a joke of it “didn’t realise you were buying your own home, when you moving out?”

I know it’s a fine line with step parenting and you’re not trying to replace their Mum but I do believe if you’re a stepparent the kids do appreciate some motherly / fatherly love and when they’re doing your head in try to ask yourself “if he were my bio kid how do I think I’d see this” - it helps me.

I just can’t understand your problem,
He sounds like a normal 12 year old kid, nice of him to compliment you.
You can’t expect him to disappear as he lives there, so probably you should move out.

Yes this. He may also be feeling quite vulnerable and unsure of what his role is now. You’ve just taken a large chunk of space that he’s used to sharing with his father only. And you seem to be pushing him out of the equation. It’s not just just about biscuits . .

Sounds to me like the young lad is feeling insecure in his position in your family. What was the dynamic like before you and his dad got together, was it just the two of them at home sometimes?
It sounds like this insecurity means he’s trying to ‘insert’ himself in between you so he is in the middle! (Lots of kids do this). This would explain how you returned to find him lying next to his dad; why he’s wanting to get in the middle with all the grown up conversations. Which I know can be super annoying!
He feels left out and like the third wheel otherwise! This is probably why you not offering him a biscuit seemed like a huge deal to him… “do I not matter?!”
Has your DP talked to him about this? Just the two of them having a chat about how it can feel as the kid; especially with their dad getting a new partner; feeling left out; worrying about their position… all normal and okay feelings to have.
If these feelings are noticed and talked about then he is less likely to act them out.
Have you ever felt like the odd one out or the third wheel? Thinking about that might help you to put yourself a bit in his shoes.

This absolutely makes me think about my ex DP and their son. I remember the son saying 'we're going to buy you a dishwasher when we move house'
He was 9 and clearly wasn't buying the dishwasher and also why was it for me?
I feel for you.

Agree with this. He sounds totally normal, you are being really mean not offering him a biscuit, or asking what he wants for breakfast. It isn’t him demanding to be included in an inappropriate way, it is you excluding him in an inappropriate way.

I would ask my children if they’d like a drink as well as a biscuit!

granted, mine are slightly younger but if I was at my parents or any relative’s house, I would ask everyone who would like a drink?! Then bring a plate of biscuits so everyone can help themselves

I agree with others, serious / adult conversations shouldn’t be carried out in front of children if you don’t want them to overhear or join in.

Defo weird this! Why won’t you offer a biscuit and involve him in conversations? He’s a 12 year old boy not a bloody lodger

Have you ever met a child that age before?? Tbh seems like he’s looking for a mother / son type relationship DEFINITELY NOT a partner type relationship.

Even if he doesn't drink tea, offer him a drink and a biscuit too. My gawd woman. That is common courtesy for anyone who is in your home - your mother is not your partner either but I betcha if she were there you would ask her if she wanted tea and a biscuit without a second thought!

Kids have to be trained. Just like pets. You tell them your expectations and ask for their cooperation. My parents told us "unless it is an emergency you do not interrupt adult conversation. And if it is an emergency you say excuse me for interrupting, but I noticed a fire in the garage." lolol

As far as listening to adult conversations my grandmother said it best "get out of my mouth!" which meant go somewhere this conversation is not for you kid! And we would scurry off to do kid things. If you are talking adult convo in shared spaces, the expectation that he would not listen in is inappropriate. Go talk in your bedroom with the door closed or in the car or something.

Just teach them, he's a kid of 12! Just like pets you say "do not jump on people or the furniture" and you follow that up with a consequence. They learn if you teach them.

I think you need to examine your attitude and calm down. You are the defacto step mother whether you two are legally married or not. Talk to the kid sometimes like he's human. Maybe take him to lunch or the movies or something. Make an effort to embrace him.

Has he had to take on the role of an adult with either his mother or father? Have they been sharing worries or adult concerns with him.
Perhaps a reason.

I think the kid just sees the three of you as a family and therefore gets upset when you leave him out. My guess is that he scared that he is unwanted, and you are unintentionally validating this fear by not considering him when you're doing things for other people in the household. It's strange that you interpret this as him thinking he should be treated like a partner, rather than this being about a kid just wanted to be treated like he matters in his family.