DP's son making me feel like I'm in a relationship with both of them

[Dpmn553]

I hope this is in the right place. Have been with DP for 5 years. He has a 12 year old son who has always lived with him. I moved in around 1 year ago. Before I moved in my relationship with DP's son was manageable. I was like an aunt or a teacher or another influential adult in his life. But since I've moved in, my DP's son has been acting in a way that would suggest he doesn't quite understand the dynamic in the house.

For example, the other day I made myself and my DP a cup of tea and gave him a biscuit with it. His son then started asking why he wasn't also offered a biscuit- I told him he's free to take a biscuit if he wants it. In the morning on my days off I'll ask my DP what he fancies for breakfast. If DP's son is there, he'll get upset and make a point about me not asking or including him (of course I'd make everyone's breakfast in such a situation not just my DP). The dynamic is making me feel very uncomfortable.

He'll insert himself into adult conversations that don't concern him, so much so that we have to be careful what we say infront of him. He seems always to have an opinion about adult issues (mortgages, cars, medical issues) that he knows nothing about, and will offer them when me and DP are in the middle of an important discussion.

I'm probably not explaining it well. It just feels like my DP's son expects me to be treating him like another DP/exactly like his father and not the child that he is and it's creating this weird atmosphere where I cannot be myself and exist in a romantic relation with my DP.

Has anyone experienced anything similar? Is this normal?

🤣🤣 yeap!

I’m sorry but it does sound like you’re leaving him
out. Why wouldn’t you ask him what he wants for breakfast also. He’s not a robot! What did you expect when you moved it. It’s pretty obvious you need to make a big effort with his son as it’s a big change for him. It could be a lot worse!

Hi op,

I am on team kiddo that knows it all, because it sounds like he acts like a kid and he actually includes you in his “I want this”… “I need that”…”why didn’t you…” so that tells me he cares about you.

On the other hand…I am not reading so much care from you to him? If kiddo picked on that, he will fight every sentences and breaths in between.

So yeah. Just give him a biscuit 🍪

Good luck 🌺

A few people have called you weird and been quite harsh with thier reply, I don’t think you are weird and I understand your fustration, you were likely in work mode and didn’t even think to offer the child a biscuit nothing more nothing less, really not a big deal, all he had to say is please can I have one and it would of been no big deal of course you’d if given him one?. I get the feeling he gives you attitude and expects you to act as his mother which you’re not. It is unreasonable for him to be funny if you two go on coffee dates without him, a non blended family home have date nights! Although it’s important to make him feel included, it’s also important that he knows his dad should have his own separate relationship and experiences too and he does not rule the roost. Good luck, being a step parent is the hardest thing. I’m following the nacho style step parenting and it is working for me.

You have what is known as a teen. Wants everything, Annoying, arrogant, knows everything! It’s just his age. And nothing to do with being a stepson. Don’t worry it only lasts about 10 years at most!

Iam.with OP on this, child sounds a precocious brat!! I can't bare kids butting in. I'd have to tell him to shut up interrupting.
As for a 12 year old been up till midnight on school days is ridiculous. He should be in bed in his room.at 9pm so you guys can have time on your own.
I'd move out,this won't improve, you don't sound like you get back up from the father,who quite frankly has created this monster and has allowed this behaviour. You won't win this. And actually if I was in a room with the father and was making a brew and biscuits, I certainly wouldn't put myself out to go looking for the child to give him a biscuit he can help his self

It sounds like you're all just finding your feet with the new living arrangement.

As a rule of thumb, if you approach each situation with the child's needs at the front of your mind, then the rest will probably flow from there.

I see the op says she thinks she is ND. She reminds me of my daughter who was dating a chap with two younger children for a year. He finished it and said she didn't seem interested in his children. I probably said the wrong thing, but said 'well you are not are you' If things had carried on I could see the not getting the child a drink and biscuit would easily happen with her. She just wouldn't think of it. She also is probably ND, no diagnosis but has become more noticeable as she has grown older and had very few relationships at 39. She doesn't see normal social cues so maybe this is also part of op problems.

I just feel so aggrieved for that poor kid and so bloody angry at you !

I find the post sad you are the outsider that had moved in so you are now a family which should mean that you include the son. I actually feel sorry for him he must be feeling left out. When you make a drink regardless of whether he likes tea ask him if he’d like a drink too yes he can make one but that’s not the point . You have gone into a family unit so include him more. 12 year olds do have opinions you know. If you don’t want him joining in the conversation speak about these things when you are on your own with your partner. I don’t really think it’s weird what the boy is doing he’s been with his dad all his life so he wants to feel included. I’m suprised his dad dosent find your attitude strange.

This! If I were that kid I'd feel really hurt. I also hope you're not making your DP choose between his son or you as you might be disappointed!

It sounds to me like you want a romantic relationship with your DP, without a child around. Everything you've described that the child does is perfectly normal. You offer biscuits and breakfasts to DP but not the child, you don't like the child contributing to conversations held in front of him. It's just my opinion of course, but i think you need to live apart and conduct your adult romance separately from the child. And I see that you may think this too.

I got this vibe too. He is looking for affection and to feel wanted/included in this new dynamic. OP appears to be annoyed by the boy and not want him around. I have an 11 year old, he’s always getting involved in our conversations.

In my house I ask the kids what they want for breakfast…. Husband rarely gets a say ;)

sounds like you would prefer it was just the two of you.

I am not being judgemental but I take it you have no experience with children. When asking about breakfast try saying (to both of them together) what do you two want for breakfast, maybe followed by suggestions of stuff you have. Same with cup of tea, who wants a cup of tea, plus biscuits ? If PS dosn't want tea to drink say what would you like (whatever his name is) remember his dad has been there all his life, you have come into is life a year ago, treat him nice till he's fully at ease with you and you with him. He could be living with you for the next 10+ years. Have your serious discussions when he's gone to bed. I'm speaking from experience and know exactly what it's like. 😁

This ^^^

@Dpmn553 - you took on a Man who has a child living with him full time. The two of them come as a job lot. From what you are describing, his Son feels pushed out and I don't blame him.

You have to learn to do the romantic stuff when the son isn't around - out with friends or in bed. It's what you would have to do if you had your own children. I hope you can see and understand this point, because I don't hold out much hope for your relationship with his Dad in the longer term if you don't. Sorry

He’s a child and naturally looking for a mother figure. It seems you’d rather he just stayed in his room. You’ve moved into his home remember that. I take it you don’t have children as you sound like you have zero knowledge of children. I never ever understand women or men who bring in people anywhere near their children when it’s very clear on how you feel about his child.

My advice OP if you want to make this work is

1. Spend some 1:1 time with your step son. Get to know each other.
2. Spend some time as a 3 doing fun activities.

Stepson just wants to be included Yiu can still have dates with your partner and solo time.

He sounds exactly like my kids (oldest is 8). And they also insert themselves into every bloody conversation. There's nothing wrong with your dss or the dynamic. That's just normal life with kids. And of course he'd like to be treated like any other family member and asked about his preferences and offered treats when others are.

Uggh also apologies for quoting the op...

Things like the biscuit and breakfast, just ask a blanket question 'doesn't anyone want a biscuit, what do you both want for breakfast'.

As for the adult conversation, that sounds about right for a nearly teenager. Know it all, opinions that aren't coming from a place of knowledge. They will seem ridiculous to you and your dp, but it's all part of growing up. Just nod and engage in the conversation with him, but as you said, if it's something you don't want a 12 yr old to know or have any input with don't talk about it in front of him.

I think you're right, he doesn't know where his place is and he's trying to navigate it all. The power dynamic has shifted, his dad no longer just takes him into consideration but you too, it's probably as strange to him as it is to you. Cut him some slack.

It’s normal. Kids are not peripheral figures whether they are biological kids, or step kids. You are all a family. Only when you and your partner are alone can you be ‘just a couple’. The rest of the time, whoever is there is part of what is going on.

I'm left being the person who gets them biscuits and cooks and cleans for them

why on earth have you adopted that role?!

This!

If I was making food or a drink for someone I’d ask everyone in the house. Conversations not suitable for children should be had out of earshot of children.

I feel quite sorry for him, from what you've said it seems like he's trying to get you to like him - compliments etc. He maybe feels excluded and left out.