DP's son making me feel like I'm in a relationship with both of them

[Dpmn553]

I hope this is in the right place. Have been with DP for 5 years. He has a 12 year old son who has always lived with him. I moved in around 1 year ago. Before I moved in my relationship with DP's son was manageable. I was like an aunt or a teacher or another influential adult in his life. But since I've moved in, my DP's son has been acting in a way that would suggest he doesn't quite understand the dynamic in the house.

For example, the other day I made myself and my DP a cup of tea and gave him a biscuit with it. His son then started asking why he wasn't also offered a biscuit- I told him he's free to take a biscuit if he wants it. In the morning on my days off I'll ask my DP what he fancies for breakfast. If DP's son is there, he'll get upset and make a point about me not asking or including him (of course I'd make everyone's breakfast in such a situation not just my DP). The dynamic is making me feel very uncomfortable.

He'll insert himself into adult conversations that don't concern him, so much so that we have to be careful what we say infront of him. He seems always to have an opinion about adult issues (mortgages, cars, medical issues) that he knows nothing about, and will offer them when me and DP are in the middle of an important discussion.

I'm probably not explaining it well. It just feels like my DP's son expects me to be treating him like another DP/exactly like his father and not the child that he is and it's creating this weird atmosphere where I cannot be myself and exist in a romantic relation with my DP.

Has anyone experienced anything similar? Is this normal?

My DP is very supportive and wants me to remain living with them.

But I don't think he is supportive. There have been many posts saying that you're not considering the situation from the DS's point of view, but DP isn't thinking about you either. He's carrying on as he has always done with the added benefit of getting his washing done (and presumably some sex when his son allows 😉)This has been your home for a year, even if they were there first.

I think it's a good update OP and although a lot of the responses have been (imo at times unnecessarily) harsh, it seems it's shone a light on the issues for you. The conclusion you've come to is I'm sure the right one for you. And so that's what you must do. Don't be swayed by DP saying he wants you to stay. He hasn't done anything to make it easier for you, in fact you have a harder life now than you did before you moved in. Only his is easier.

Good luck and I hope you get settled in your own place very soon. And should it be that it spells the end of your relationship I still think it is absolutely the right thing to do.

If we are being honest, that fear probably isn’t unfounded.

I would definitely move out if I were you. I can’t really see any advantages for you by living there. If you’re able to move out and continue as you were before the move (if you want to continue) then I’d choose that.

Sounds completely reasonable, whatever gives you peace of mind go for it. Being a mother is hard, but being a mother when you did not ask for it sounds a bit of a nightmare.

It's hardly adult to make your own breakfast. 8 year old DGS is perfectly capable of doing so

Exactly this, it’s almost like she expects to treat the 12 year old boy like her partner’s house mate as opposed to his young son - so weird!

Please don’t marry this man OP - I am picking up serious (hate to use the term) evil stepmother vibes and a likely disparity if you ever had children with him. Leave now if you don’t like the fact he has a child, you should have probably considered what moving in with them would look like first.

A child has a central place in a family op. If you are struggling with that, I think your instinct to move on is the right one.

Well done for identifying this early on, and for your acceptance of the issue. A lot of people push a square peg in a round hole then it all blows up down the line, with more damage done.

Please don’t “blame” this on the boy when conveying to his dad: he honestly sounds like a normal 12 year old. Children shouldn’t have to behave other than age appropriately to accommodate their parent’s romantic life.

No, actually 12 year-olds should know not to interrupt, it's rude

Midnight every night is too late

And if the OP has moved in she is entitled to a private space. If not the bedroom then where?

Yes the biscuit and breakfast things were wrong, but I think the OP needs to have a full and frank discussion with her partner and see if there's any way forward or not.

Read your update - wise move moving out. Things will change if you move in bc you are naturally going to be absorbed into the family unit and the son be going anywhere for a few years yet. Hard to move your relationship on living apart though. May have to call time

Definitely move the fuck out, that's an incredibly odd dynamic for the poor kid. He's expecting to be included in the family, not treat like an interloper.

I'd say it's a very unhealthy dynamic to expect a child to live in. If anyone is an outsider, it's not him.

Great to know you have a solution. All the best for the future

I agree. In a family house, the kids are generally the priority and the adults fit their relationship around the kids. This is why imo so many step-parent relationships run into difficulties - it's hard to sacrifice in this way for children who are not your own and who you don't necessarily feel at home with.

You sound incredibly rude and like you are deliberately excluding the child. If I was your partner I'd want you to move right back out of the house again.

But he does eat biscuits?

When you start a relationship with a parent with young children (as in not adult children), they come as a package, so, yes, moving in with him means that you are having a relationship with both of them - a partner to DP, a "stepmum" to his son. Not offering the kid a biscuit and/or drink at the same time you and your DP were having them just seems a bit mean - would you have ignored DP's mum or friend, too? Just seems like a weird thing to do, almost like you are going out of your way to be horrible to the kid. I'm a single mum, sole care of my child, and if a DP behaved like that towards my child after moving in, they would be moving back out pretty quick.

OP seeing that you may be ND I can understand that it's a bit of a change (I'm AuDHD), but I have DS14 and DD11 and it just sounds like he wants to be involved in a family dynamic. It is his home and he presumably sees you as a stepmum, but there may be some concerns from him around the relationship he has with his dad. My BF has visited us a few times, and my DS seems keen for him to be a stepdad (we're nowhere near that stage), and looks forward to spending time with him. My BF is childless, and worries how to behave, whether he should be involved in telling the kids what to do, etc. It's a difficult thing changing a home situation. As for the adult conversation, my kids always want to be involved in adult talk, and it's good as it's probably helped them to learn some things, it's just part of growing up

I'm a bit confused by the post OP. I wouldn't give my husband a drink and biscuit without asking others in the house if they wanted one too. Or only ask my husband what he wanted for breakfast but not others in the house.
I don't see how your stepson is behaving like an adult he sounds like a pre teen wanting to be involved in his own home. Unless you have some different example

If I tried to offer my DH a biscuit without also offering my kids one they would not be happy!

in my family and growing up, you offer something to everyone in the house or no one.

a cup of tea/drink should be offered to anyone present. Ditto biscuits etc

its also normal for kids to listen in to adult conversations so yes sensitive things need to be discussed when they aren’t there.

you’ve described a very normal 12 year old.

You sound like a cold person OP. This is a child you’re talking about, do you have any feelings at all for him - doesn’t sound like it. Perhaps moving in wasn’t a good idea for you or the boy! Yes he comes as a package with his dad, at least for the next 6 years. You’re coming across as the stereotype cruel stepmother. I hope your DP notices it and rethinks his relationship with you, because his relationship with his son will be (should be) the stronger one.

Doesn't matter if the child wasn't having a cup of tea, he should have still been offered a biscuit, and an alternative drink. You need to realise him and his dad come as a package. Perhaps do things with the child, just you two. You're the adult.

This is exactly what I would have posted.

I agree with this, the poor boy notices everything about you and like you said notices before you partner does and compliments you too! He needs nurturing, he's a mature boy so enjoying and anything was discussed before with no boundaries they kept each other going. You've come in and have kept him in arms length, why don't you go out for meals together instead of just you and your partner the quicker you accept him the quicker you'll find he'll probably say why don't you and dad go, he's still getting to know you well trying too, and I also agree your in his dad's bedroom just lock it when your getting changed and then leave it open, imagine he was your son you wouldn't be telling the world he's walked into my room! Plus you need to be offering him food first!!! If you had family over you wouldn't pick and choose who you'd ask! Even if he wasn't in the room call out and ask him it's not rocket science. It's quite sad you mentioned that your considering moving out cz it's getting too much for you and you partner had more time for you before... Sounds like you gonna wait till he leaves home. I don't know who's the child here! He just wants to be involved like he always has been. You need to work on the child or get out... Plus as the father he should really have told her I have another half that your not seeing isn't invisible! He just needs some recognition and love and to be accepted. Stop neglecting him!! ... Also I should mention I do have to rein my son in every few months he forgets his place.. my 14 year old secretly brought me to tears over the weekend with all his answering back (not stating his opinions but arguing back.. There's a difference) but been lucky with my older two they are/were golden, plus I think it's my premenopausal thing making me extra emotional, anyway I'm going off on a tangent, but yes it's normal for teenagers. Now go and make this family work!

-why- can you not ask the -child- unable to provide for themselves because they are a child if they would also like some food? In all honesty, you do sound like you're a Mother to your partner. Going to pack him a lunchbox next?

He feels like an add-on.
Why isn't he offered biscuits, drinks, breakfast etc when your partner is?
It's not hard to say what would "you two" / "everyone" / "you guys" like for breakfast. Instead of just your partner.
As for butting into / joining in adult conversations.. it's an age thing. Typical to that sort of age specifically.

Difficult situation. When you moved in a year ago that was a big change for his son, instead of it being just him and his dad; from what you say if sounds as though he might like things to be the way that they were and is struggling to cope with that change, perhaps he needs some reassurance from his dad.