DP's son making me feel like I'm in a relationship with both of them

[Dpmn553]

I hope this is in the right place. Have been with DP for 5 years. He has a 12 year old son who has always lived with him. I moved in around 1 year ago. Before I moved in my relationship with DP's son was manageable. I was like an aunt or a teacher or another influential adult in his life. But since I've moved in, my DP's son has been acting in a way that would suggest he doesn't quite understand the dynamic in the house.

For example, the other day I made myself and my DP a cup of tea and gave him a biscuit with it. His son then started asking why he wasn't also offered a biscuit- I told him he's free to take a biscuit if he wants it. In the morning on my days off I'll ask my DP what he fancies for breakfast. If DP's son is there, he'll get upset and make a point about me not asking or including him (of course I'd make everyone's breakfast in such a situation not just my DP). The dynamic is making me feel very uncomfortable.

He'll insert himself into adult conversations that don't concern him, so much so that we have to be careful what we say infront of him. He seems always to have an opinion about adult issues (mortgages, cars, medical issues) that he knows nothing about, and will offer them when me and DP are in the middle of an important discussion.

I'm probably not explaining it well. It just feels like my DP's son expects me to be treating him like another DP/exactly like his father and not the child that he is and it's creating this weird atmosphere where I cannot be myself and exist in a romantic relation with my DP.

Has anyone experienced anything similar? Is this normal?

Imagine someone moving into your home and making cups of tea and snacks for your dad but not you he must feeel so excluded

My 4yo also inserts himself in conversations he knows nothing about. It's normal.

DP's son was not in the room. We were WFH in the office and he was downstairs. When he came into the office and saw we had a biscuit he seemed upset that I hadn't asked him (he wasn't in the kitchen while I was making the tea). Perhaps I should have taken a biscuit out and called him? Or maybe gone down while I was working to get him one? I wish I never mentioned the silly biscuit now.

From your update, OP, I think you're making a sensible decision. A lot of men are quite lazy when it comes to both parenting and relationships (just read the posts from a single day on Mumsnet!) and a lot of women like to invest in and nurture their relationships. This can lead to one side taking advantage of the other. So you like "treating" your DP, in the sense of bringing him snacks and cups of tea, and he's happy for you to do that as it makes his life easier. And an expectation has developed that this also extends to his son, which is natural on the child's part but I'm assuming the father isn't exactly discouraging. And somewhere along the way, you're ending up doing a lot of the cooking, cleaning and snack-providing. It's very convenient for your DP, isn't it?

It's beginning to sound like a variant the usual threads "DP was great until we lived together and had a baby and now he does fuck-all". Different facts, same issue - man unloading domestic and emotional labour on nearest female.

Sounds like you are running around after the two of them. I would move out and continue seeing dp separately

Or maybe reconsider the relationship entirely if your DP is the sort of guy who expects the woman to pick up the housework just because vagina and stops paying attention to you because you're living together and he's "got" you.

I agree with all that and would never have moved in for these reasons. You live and learn!

I don't think this means you aren't cut out for parenting your own dc - I think it is v diff with your own dc to what you have experienced here.

I’m really surprised DP hasn’t had a word with you before now.

If my DP was treating my DD like a second class citizen, then I would have given him 1 warning and if he did it again he’d be out.

My DD is part of the family.
I don’t expect her to stay quiet whilst the adults are talking.
I would never ask 1 person what they want for breakfast and not the other.

It sounds like you’re struggling with the idea that DS is part of the family and part of your relationship.
I don’t think you’re intentionally being horrible but you just don’t get it because you don’t have kids yourself.

FWIW I’m a single parent and I wouldn’t have SDC move in with me/me move in with them, purely because being with someone with a child and then living with them massively changes the dynamic.

If you live with someone you are then the step parent and it’s very different to just being the gf.

I do think moving out would be best.
There’s nothing like having your own space, especially when the child hits the teenage years 😁

Absolutely! For one thing, you can shoo your kids out of your room and tell them to leave you alone for 10 minutes, and although they won't necessarily obey, you don't have to tiptoe around their sensitivities to the same degree 😂. You're also used to their annoying habits and can try to put a stop to any you find particularly grating so you "set the rules" to a certain extent.

I expect your partner would like you to continue living with them because its easier for him to have you there, your contributing to bills and housework etc. I don't mean that in a 'hes using you' way, just that men can be quite lazy. Stick to your guns op there is no reason why you cant live seperate until his son is older.

Of course your partner wants you there if you contribute financially and do all the cleaning and cooking. He's being extremely selfish though because he doesn't consider the negative effect it has on you and he doesn't have his son wellbeing at heart either.
Children should not be forced to live with people who are indifferent to them and blended familes never work out unless they establish some sense of unity, healthy boundaries and clear expectations with understanding of children's needs being of high importance. That is a very difficult task that requires mutual affection and special qualities that majority of blended families don't have.

You're right in thinking you should move out and continue the relationship while living separately.

So you ARE a lot younger than him? What are your ages? It might well be that you're not a match because of different life experience/imbalance of power.

Bear in mind op, to him you are the outsider who has moved into his life and it's seems to him like you are treating HIM like the outsider, getting food for yourself and DP not him, asking what DP wants for breakfast but not him. He wants to be included in conversation and feels left out when you and DP are staying out late, he wants to be included in your outings because he no longer understands what his place is in the family dynamic

People are giving the OP a really hard time here, and perhaps haven’t read all of her posts, but I find some of the comments unnecessarily scathing, mean or even cruel. OP, having friends in similar set ups I think your words show positive self awareness and openness - I hope some of the advice here is helpful and it works out with your DP.

Good relationships are hard to find and all require compromise.

With five years already invested in each other, it might be worth compromising by living apart for a few short years in order to save a loving relationship for the long term.

The butting in during conversations sounds annoying, but he’s at that age where he thinks he knows it all and is trying to understand how the world works. I think it can be a good thing he wants to be involved in a way. I don’t think I’d view this as such an issue depending on whether he accepts answers when I’ve explained or not!

If there are important things that really mustn’t be said in his company, can these conversations not wait until he is in bed? As for offering snacks and drinks, it seems odd to me that you wouldn’t offer everyone? In this house if someone is making a cup of tea etc, everyone is offered, not just adults.

It’s obvious to me you are making him feel unimportant compared to you and DP.

Also, if the child doesn't have a good relationship with his Mother there may be abandonment/attachment issues/trauma stemming from that which is why he is maybe quite needy/needs reassurance. Poor lad I want to give him a hug myself.

@Dpmn553

I don't think the fact that you need your own space and don't want to be a stepmum makes you ND at all. I'm NT and made a decision when I was in my early 20s that I would never date a man with children, it just wasn't for me. I wanted to have my own children though and had two, I just didn't want to be a stepmum. So don't think less of yourself because you don't want to be one, either.

The thing is, your DP's son and he have already established the parameters of their relationship. And that relationship must always come first, that's just the way parenthood works. You either have to 'slot yourself in' to their already existing relationship or move out. If your DP can't deal with that, then it's time to walk away.

Good luck, OP.

@Dpmn553 Where is step son's mother in all this? does she never have her son or has she passed away? you partner really needs to start teaching his son some social awareness because that looks like it is sadly non existent!

You sound like hard work. He sounds like a typical kid.
I spend half my time asking my kids to give me and my dh a minute to have private conversations or waiting till a better time.
And if I'm making breakfast I ask if anyone wants anything . It's just normal family behaviour.
If you didn't want that dynamic why did you move in?

What you have described in terms of your DP's son's behaviour is pretty normal for his age, but so are your feelings around it, despite what many of the responses suggest. I'd imagine that many of those replying are commenting from the perspective of being biological parents rather than step-parents. It's very normal to want and need privacy and space from a child who is not yours. It takes time to find your roles when becoming part of a non-nuclear/blended family and it's hard, the only chance you have at working through these things is by being able to communicate with your partner and address issues and feelings that arise.

In terms of the 12 year old's behaviour, my DSS who is 12 is the exact same in butting in to adult conversations and giving opinions on things that he would know nothing about and it used to drive me nuts, but my mum encouraged me to see the funny side off it and just laugh it off (not in front of him, obviously) and that's helped me not to take it so seriously. I'm lucky though that for the most part, this annoys my DP too and so he pulls my DSS up on it.

Needing time with your partner is important too and something that you need to communicate with your partner about. We were in a similar position at one stage and I discussed with my DP about us needing time for a couple without kids as well and so bedtimes were important for that as well as regular date nights. Even if we can't get anyone to watch the kids, at least once a month we get them all to bed early and will have a date night in the house, make a nice meal of whatever. I think that's important for us but also important for the kids as it gives a positive example of a relationship and making time for one another.

However, if I were you and didn't have children with my DP (we have children together also) I know that my life would be much easier and less stressful if DP and I lived apart so I would give that some serious consideration if I was you as it sounds like you may get more out of your relationship if you live apart.

OP, honestly, not everyone is cut to accept-embrace-love other people's children. It doesn't authomatically mean you can't have your own.
I love my child to bits but generally do not like children , was never interested in babies (except for my dc),etc.. That's why I would never consider becoming a step-parent.

I agree, i struggled with being part time step parent ( I mean the kid already had both patents albeit not living together, and as dad's partner hou don't have much right or say in tye upbringing). But it was all different once I had my own kids. You will know if you op want kids, and maybe only when you meet a man you will realise hou want kids from him.

Maybe talk to your partner and explain that

1. You need quality time with him, and just him 2 or three nights a week.

1. You need privacy, put an internal lock on your door.

1. That his son needs to not interrupt and go to bed before midnight, which are completely sensible requests.

If he isn't willing to even do those things, then moving out seems sensible