DP's son making me feel like I'm in a relationship with both of them

[Dpmn553]

I hope this is in the right place. Have been with DP for 5 years. He has a 12 year old son who has always lived with him. I moved in around 1 year ago. Before I moved in my relationship with DP's son was manageable. I was like an aunt or a teacher or another influential adult in his life. But since I've moved in, my DP's son has been acting in a way that would suggest he doesn't quite understand the dynamic in the house.

For example, the other day I made myself and my DP a cup of tea and gave him a biscuit with it. His son then started asking why he wasn't also offered a biscuit- I told him he's free to take a biscuit if he wants it. In the morning on my days off I'll ask my DP what he fancies for breakfast. If DP's son is there, he'll get upset and make a point about me not asking or including him (of course I'd make everyone's breakfast in such a situation not just my DP). The dynamic is making me feel very uncomfortable.

He'll insert himself into adult conversations that don't concern him, so much so that we have to be careful what we say infront of him. He seems always to have an opinion about adult issues (mortgages, cars, medical issues) that he knows nothing about, and will offer them when me and DP are in the middle of an important discussion.

I'm probably not explaining it well. It just feels like my DP's son expects me to be treating him like another DP/exactly like his father and not the child that he is and it's creating this weird atmosphere where I cannot be myself and exist in a romantic relation with my DP.

Has anyone experienced anything similar? Is this normal?

I think you need to move back out op.

You have invaded his space, not him yours.

I think I've realised 3 issues here:

Firstly my DP has different expectations of him in that he's happy for his son to interupt him even when DP is talking to other adults/is on the phone. He doesn't get annoyed like about me this behaviour. He also doesn't mind him staying up, or hanging out in my bedroom. I can't help it but these things bother me.

Secondly, my DP and his son have plenty of 1 on 1 time. They have activities together 4-5 days a week. And his son stays up until midnight most nights so the second issue is that I feel I don't have enough time with his father. I'm left being the person who gets them biscuits and cooks and cleans for them. We rarely spend time as a 3 anymore too after I moved in.

And finally, the third issue is that I'm losing my patience and begining to question my place in the house given the the aforementioned points. This isn't healthy for the boy, and I think it's better I continue my relationship with his father while not living with them. My DP had more time for me, and I didn't have to worry about parenting his son before I moved in. But also, I've realised I need my space and my privacy and that will always be tricky living full time with a 12 year old child.

Thanks again for all the responses.

This is literally just called being 12. Of course, you should offer him a biscuit or breakfast if it’s going round. He isn’t a lodger.

As for being opinionated, I’m afraid this is just how it is with pre-teens/teenagers. My 11 year old argued with me the other day because I clearly, in her opinion, do not understand parking rules in town and she was insistent I could park somewhere that I clearly couldn’t. I was like, you are 11 and have never driven a car and I’ve been parking cars nearly 30 years, stop being such a twat! 😂

It’s fine to just tell them to but out or to make their own breakfast within reason to encourage independence.

Also don't know if any PP has said - he can get in bed with his father - it's his father and he has probably being doing it always. You are the intruder.

Spot on
I can hedge a bet that OP isn't a parent

You are being very weird about this, and rude not to offer him a biscuit or some breakfast. He's not trying to be treated like an adult, he's trying to be treated like a human being, which he has a right to expect from his stepmother.

No, most parents don't get annoyed with their child talking to them, even if being interrupted.

Many don't mind their (almost) teens staying up late every now and then either.

Also, it isn't your bedroom, it is his dads bedroom - that you (his girlfriend) is currently sharing. I'd be absolutely fine with my DD hanging out in my room no matter who I lived with.

The "my DP had more time for me" comment is also quite telling. He is a dad before anything else, even you.

You really shouldn't have moved into his house. I am not sure you even like this poor lad.

he is seeking attention from you as well, not just his father. He wants you to act like his step-mom, rather than his father’s partner. You should have a direct relationship with your partners son.

From your update OP, I’d say definitely move out to preserve your sanity. Also your DP doesn’t sound like a great dad, a 12 yo should not be staying up till midnight every night, that’s nowhere near enough sleep at that age if he’s getting up for school every day. And the constant interrupting isn’t great at all. So yes with this set-up I think living with them both is going to be really stressful and make you all unhappy. Teens are already really annoying when they’re your own and you love them.

Great update.

When are you leaving?

I'm embarrassed to say that I remember being like this when I was a child.

I recall offering to fill my parents' tax return for them. Mum just said "Plenty of time to worry about that when you're a grown-up."

I was an only child and - years later found out that I was on the spectrum. I've no idea whether that's of any relevance or not. I suspect that I was just a pain in the ...

ETA I wanted to stay up late, but wasn't allowed to, for the most part.

I think this is all valid. I'd move back out if I were you.

In re other posters though, no I wouldn't have wanted my 12yo staying up till midnight, I did tell mine off for interrupting an adult conversation or phone call, and at 12 they can get their own bloody biscuit.

I can also see how the poor kids probably feels that his home's been invaded.

Move back out and you'll all be happier!

I feel like you probably did not assess your role properly before getting into a relationship with a man who has a child. You are living together therefore you are a stepmother in some form for some of the time - maybe not officially because you are not married but you certainly have obligations to behave in a parental way around him, make him feel wanted and at home and give whatever support you can really. I have the impression you aren't really willing to make that contribution, therefore best to be honest and stay completely out of the child's life, and probably his father's too.

DPs son making me feel like I'm in a relationship with both of them

You are in a relationship with both of them!

Sounds like a sensible conclusion to move out, OP. Probably best for all concerned.

You are not ready to share a home with anyone.

You are too persnickety, too judgmental and don’t know how to be in a family group. Move out.

I'm sure from what you have written you do not have children. This ss behavior is exactly the same as most kids his age. Mine included. Honestly raising your own children is hard, so I imagine this was a shock to you. I'd move out but also end the relationship. Because if your dp is any way a good father he can't be with someone who treats his child this way. Step parenting is hard. No shame in not wanting to do it. But you can't have your cake and eat it too.

I think this is a positive update and credit to you for staying with a thread that must have been challenging to read. It’s positive as you are acknowledging that you are feeling resentful and haven’t adjusted to the changes in your relationship rather than ascribing it to some sort of issue with the child. I think it’s a good idea to move out and reassess, but with the clarity that your preferences and happiness can never trump the wellbeing of a child (and a man who would allow you to do that is almost certainly not someone anyone should be in a relationship with).

OP I imagine this has all been difficult to hear. It's horrible when the penny drops like this. I'm going to disagree with others and say the relationship with your partner is salvageable but you're going to have to be honest that you're not really interested in being a step mum and need your own space. Your partner may find the step mum thing a deal breaker. A couples therapist might help you navigate things?

as everyone here is saying. You ARE in a relationship with both of them

I have a 12 year old and as well as sounding v normal - I think this kid sounds insecure - which is natural if his dad has a new living set up.

and never heard anything as weird as getting one person in the house a biscuit and saying to the other person 'yeh get one yourself' - I mean how unkind is that!

This.

Is this whole thread a wind-up? Who makes tea for one person when two are there? Who offers a biscuit to one person and not the other?

You are the interloper as far as the kid is concerned. This is a prime example of why divorced people shouldn't foist their new partners onto their minor children.

But it's not OP's daughter, it's her partner's 12 year old son wandering into her bedroom. If she's had a relationship with him for years it would be different. Of course she has struggled to adjust.
But given her update, it sounds as if she is the only one doing any adjusting. Her DP is quite happy to have someone picking up the slack and apart from letting her do the chores, he isn't making any adjustments. She is right to move out, but she's not the one to blame for it not working out.

This post is very self aware and completely fair enough.

Some of those things would annoy me too. Some of those things are pretty crappy parenting. Some of those things ARE annoying.

Your only options are to split up completely, stay and enforce some rules which will only end in issues and resentment, or move out and continue the relationship.

You seem inclined to do the last one , but please consider that's at least 6 more years and that's if DSS is going away to uni/actually moving out. Otherwise you will end up back in with two men, very set in their ways. Or not living together for a very long time.

Is that what you actually want?

Thank you

My DP is very supportive and wants me to remain living with them. This is my first real relationship. We've been together for 5 years which isn't an insignificant amount of time and have been through a lot together.

Also, I suspected I might be ND but suspect this even more strongly after reading this thread. I think I have trouble relating to DP's son, and want my space and privacy, like things a certain way. I'm very objective and concrete in my thinking and struggle to connect with the child which I accept is terrible. I have no children of my own. I've always worried I'm not cut out for family life/motherhood and this really confirms that it's true, sadly.