DP's son making me feel like I'm in a relationship with both of them

[Dpmn553]

I hope this is in the right place. Have been with DP for 5 years. He has a 12 year old son who has always lived with him. I moved in around 1 year ago. Before I moved in my relationship with DP's son was manageable. I was like an aunt or a teacher or another influential adult in his life. But since I've moved in, my DP's son has been acting in a way that would suggest he doesn't quite understand the dynamic in the house.

For example, the other day I made myself and my DP a cup of tea and gave him a biscuit with it. His son then started asking why he wasn't also offered a biscuit- I told him he's free to take a biscuit if he wants it. In the morning on my days off I'll ask my DP what he fancies for breakfast. If DP's son is there, he'll get upset and make a point about me not asking or including him (of course I'd make everyone's breakfast in such a situation not just my DP). The dynamic is making me feel very uncomfortable.

He'll insert himself into adult conversations that don't concern him, so much so that we have to be careful what we say infront of him. He seems always to have an opinion about adult issues (mortgages, cars, medical issues) that he knows nothing about, and will offer them when me and DP are in the middle of an important discussion.

I'm probably not explaining it well. It just feels like my DP's son expects me to be treating him like another DP/exactly like his father and not the child that he is and it's creating this weird atmosphere where I cannot be myself and exist in a romantic relation with my DP.

Has anyone experienced anything similar? Is this normal?

He needs to go to bed on time, father must enforce it. Other than that he sounds like a normal 12 yo

You then asked what dc wants. I always serve children first whether it's mine or others. And when I give children biscuits and DH asks if he doesn't get any I tell him he's an adult and get them himself.
As for butting in on conversations it's NORMAL for a 12 year old to give his opinions on everything. This can be a learning experience where you explain things to him. Sensible discussions can not be held near children, they all listen in when you don't want them to never listen when you want them to. He's a normal child and he's your DP's child so you really should try to include him and always asks what he wants if you get your DP something. He risks feeling left out if not.

For some things, you will have to actually teach him, explain, like a parent would.
e.g.
"It is not appropriate for you to comment on my clothes or make-up - children don't make comments like that to adult women".
Say it in a kind voice, but just tell him how to behave.

At the same time, make a big effort to build your relationship with him.

Because like it or not, you ARE in a relationship with him. You are a step mother. Try very hard to make a success of it, or your relationship with DP will suffer and possibly end.

Your post OP made me so sad. The poor boy. I can't imagine how he must feel with your sneering looks of him going in to bed for a cuddle with his dad in your place. Sooo bizarre that you see him needing his dad's cuddles as something odd and in competition with your physical needs and quality time with his dad.

I hope you are taking in these comments and realize that your relationship with his dad should always consider the needs of the child in this family (although you don't seem to be considering his son as family but rather an annoying byproduct that happens to live there for now).

I hope you change your ways OP in light of the comments here.

You might not explain it particularly well but I think what you are trying to say makes sense.

My DH and I figure out what's for dinner and the kids might occasionally give input into what they want but it's clear they have no steering role in deciding the weekly menu. Our kids might be around when we discuss health or mortgages but they are not participants in the conversation.

It would be jarring if they tried to be and I would correct them, but I would also be taken aback at how I would articulate why.

Basically they have a limited standing in those conversations and your stepchild doesn't quite seem to realise that.

I think you pick your battles carefully, smile and say, "thanks for your input, we'll take it on board" and then if they push again, smile and say "I love you, but you are not deciding this, you'll have plenty of time for that when you are a grown-up".

YABU. He wants to be included. Just like he was before you came along. Give him a biscuit and include him in conversations if he shows an interest. It’s educational for him to be able to converse about grown-up subjects.

YABVU

I find this quite sad, really. I don't really understand this "us and them" approach to raising children. It sounds very much like the Victorian thing of children being seen and not heard.

I don't see why kids shouldn't have input into the decision-making, personally. And if conversations are being had why they are around, then I don't see why they shouldn't be equal participants. If it isn't appropriate for them to join in, then save it for when they aren't there.

Poor lad. You came into his home a year ago right? He’s feeling displaced and an afterthought.

Where is his mum? Does he see her? If he's lived with dp and without a mum around, then I can see how he might be very confused and at the same time territorial over his dad. I feel sorry for him tbh. I'm not even sure what you can do in this situation without upsetting him and causing major issues. You moved into his house, so I guess that makes it tricky too.

no-one is making you feel that way; you’re making yourself feel this way.

You're the adult here — not the 12yr. Is he an only child? If he’s inserting himself in conversations, why not include him and try to get to know your dss. Also, as many others have said, tweens are notorious for this behavior; my very own 12yr old nephew thinks he’s an expert at politics, cheese, and money! Sound familiar?

I would offer him a cup of tea / biscuit / food whatever it is . As for the convos , he is just trying to be included . I wouldn’t have a problem with it , seems normal to me .

12 year olds "know it all", so welcome to the fabulous world of teenage sons, and this is only going to get worse. You have two options: a) Smile at him (while rolling your eyes inside), give him a biscuit like he matters and have a proper private conversation with your partner about boundaries, handling this issue and how it's affecting you or b) Move by yourself.

It sounds like he wants you to act like a parent or adult in the house, not a partner. At the moment, it sounds like you’re trying to act like he doesn’t exist - it’s bizarre.

By moving in you have taken on his son as a step parent. Of course you should ask both what they want for breakfast, not just ask your DP, as though his DS doesn’t exist.

Of course you shouldn’t be talking about mortgages and finances in front of a child and expect him to just block out the conversation and not say anything.

It’s a bit concerning that your DP is allowing you to treat his poor DS like this. He’s going through a huge change and rather than trying to make him feel included and create a secure family atmosphere your attitude seems to be that children should be seen and not heard.

Our kids talk plenty and have plenty of opinions. ><

Why not involve them in the discussions? Because I want to decide on the dinner plans without having to explain to an 8-year-old what we still have in the fridge, what the budget is, what dish takes a lot of time or none, that we can't have french fries four times a week, or any number of reasons really.

Why not discuss it when they are not around? What, kick them out of the room to make routine decisions? Or rather, only start chatting to my DP after 9pm? To not hurt their hypothetical feelings about the fact they don't have standing on everything?

I don't mix myself into a conversation my DS and DH are having about rugby. I don't go and mix myself into a conversation my DD have about how they are going to rearrange their room. And I am perfectly happy for them to have these conversations *within my earshot.

It doesn't have to be for everyone... But OP is not unreasonable with those types of expectations.

You moved in to his family home, not just with DP
He feels pushed out and replaced in his eyes, and frankly I'm not surprised when you fail to include him when you're handing round the biscuits?
That's basic manners surely?
Hell, I even ask my neighbours 4 year old if he'd like a soft drink and a biscuit when they come in
It's normal at 12 to have an opinion and you make allowances and include him where possible.
He's learning about life and is probably used to having chats with his Dad.
That shouldn't stop just because you moved in
Basic kindness and empathy should be part of your behaviour.
Frankly you don't need to have your own DC to understand this.

Im amused at him sticking his nose in all the time. He needs putting in his place, sooner rather than later. It feels like he thinks you are all on equal pegging. So he can go to bed when he wants, state what to do about a mortgage etc. Unless you are about to give us a massive drip feed then he won't be contributing at all financially and very little practically. He's 12! Fine for him to have input into which Chinese main to get for takeaway, which DVD he would prefer etc. Not for him to be telling you to go for 5 year fixed mortgage rather 2 year tracker. Or going to Maldives, rather than Clacton next year. He doesn't have the understanding of all the ramifications plus it's none of his business ultimately. Plus why do you have to restrict what you say in your own home? I wouldn't be concealing any outings, again he needs to learn that sooner rather later.

The biscuit thing sounds petty though

Well he does sound annoying I can't imagine not offering a biscuit to anyone else in the room. Child or adult.

He is picking up on you not specifically asking him.
It's likely something which is borne from his Dad being in a relationship with you, feeling insecure and his brain telling him that you are someone who can alter his closeness with his Dad ( albeit unfounded). It's not uncommon, as we are all human and complex.
Just make a point to include him too, just to reassure him that he matters too.

Poor boy.

Does your Partner spend any one to one time with his son ?
It sounds as if he is struggling to find his own place within your family

Yes, you generally have to wait until the children are in bed if you want to have a private conversation, or go into another room. If another adult lived in the home or was visiting, would you start a private and personal discussion about your mortgage in front of them, and then tell them to stop butting in if they volunteered an opinion, or would you think that by starting the conversation in front of them you'd made it not private and personal?

It's quite rude to expect to have conversations and have one person in the room to be excluded from that conversation, regardless of their age.

My 10yo has an opinion on bloody everything, especially anything difficult and conflicty (insurances and mortgages are in this camp as it will often be quite an involved decision). He recently tried to wade in to a conversation at passport control on the way back from holiday (and I had to be quite firm when he wouldn’t butt out). I think this stems from a need to contribute to conflict resolution.

he also hates to be left out and tbh this doesn’t surprise me about your stepson. He is essentially looking to be reminded that he is still important since you’ve moved in. Not offering him a biscuit or consulting him on breakfast is a shitty move OP and one that will have bigger longer term repercussions. He’s gone from a household unit of him and his dad, now you’re there and you’re constantly reminding him is lesser than.

You want him to behave like a child and not join in adult conversations, but you want him to behave as more of an adult than your DP and make his own breakfast.

@Dpmn553 how were things before you move in? Did your partner involve him in more adult discussions? Did he ask for his opinion? Used him as a sounding board/talked at him?