To think it is personal when people ignore your messages?!

[iCantStopppEating]

I feel it’s so rude. No matter what is going on with my life I never leave a message on read for days. I have never left a message on read or ignored. Even my MIL who I do not get along with I respond to her messages even if it’s just a thumbs up or heart. When I see people post similar threads of feeling hurt when they’re ignored it often gets dismissed. Surely a feeling of being ignored is a natural response? if you have a healthy self-esteem and tons of friends then I can see why it doesn’t bother people but I do feel ignored. Especially when I can see the same people are very chatty and vocal on group messages do have time but choose to ignore me. I know someone will come along and make ne feel it’s my fault but I am feeling really low at the moment. Connecting with people I find so difficult anyway but then to be ignored when I do try to make plans for a coffee etc. get ignored.

With respect, whatever is going in your life may not be as much as other people are having to deal with.

My life is a lot. I work full time 12h NHS shifts, and am a carer for a profoundly disabled DC, and have health issues myself. I am awful at replying to messages because the idea of having to try and claim that I’m fine when I’m so not is exhausting, and I am at my limit. I am more likely to reply in group chats because a. I am killing multiple birds with one stone and b. I am less likely to have to talk honestly about how shit my life is.

@TheKoalaWhoCould sorry you’re going through this but you’ve just proved my point! You have messaged me back on here a complete stranger who has nothing to do with your life yet people who are actually part of my life and I’ve dropped everything when they need a chat ignore me. Even a love heart or a thumbs up would be enough, these are people I know not a stranger I’ve just met

It’s 5 in the morning. I’m not going to ring people I know for a chat at 5am! A quick anonymous message on MN is much easier to handle than having to craft anything meaningful for someone you know and love.

Me sending a message to someone puts the reply in theit hands not mine, it is not a competition you are perfectly entitled to feel how you like you need no ones permission, I do not take it personally

And I will reply to people when I get to it, that is in my control

A forum is not the same as texting or whatsapp etc.

Well, I'm posting because I have the mental and physical space to do so at the moment. If someone isn't replying, they may be going through something you know nothing about, mean to get to it later when they have time then forget, or smaller chance they aren't interested or don't think it needs a reply.

I have a friend who has ADHD. She can forget to reply for long periods of time. I know she's trying but I accept it's a struggle for her, not personal.

I don’t mind so much as I know the friends I have that do it have a lot going on. My best friend hasn't replied for 2wks, and I take no offence as her mum is very sick and she’s unwell herself. Must check in on her actually. Someone I was dating for a while, he messages me every so often and it really p’s me off when he doesn’t reply. I know he’s busy but who doesn’t have 1 minute to reply? I know I contradict myself by not minding my bf doing it and this guy doing it. I guess because I know my bf and I have been friends for over 40yrs and our friendship is solid.

I don't leave messages in read but I do avoid opening them if I don't have the mental capacity that day (which seems to happen quite often!) Then I sometimes feel guilty that the person might see me posting on social media or replying to comments etc... but honestly that takes less effort / mental bandwidth.

And if your messages are about getting a coffee, for some people that's a huge thing, they're going to have to look in their diary, figure out when they're free etc (I know that sounds like nothing but if your daily life feels overwhelming it's a big challenge.) I can see why someone would avoid that but carry on in a casual group chat

I just feel it’s just excuses for bad manners. Maybe I should match these people’s energy and not give so much. It was my birthday last week but I spent the morning going back and forth with a school mum I’ve known for 3 years helping her out with an issue, she obviously knew it was my birthday as I told her. I just feel I could used that as a perfect excuse to just say sorry I can’t talk right now or even ignore. This was the same mum I texted to ask about meeting for coffee after drop off. I just feel its really bad manners but I don’t have it in me to ignore people. I don’t live in a bubble, I have crappy days and days I just cannot speak to anyone but how much energy does it take to say I will let you know or just some acknowledgment.

I think you are being unreasonable. Messages (SMS / WhatsApp etc) are a secondary form of communication. If something is important, a telephone / voice call is made. If it's less important, messaging is used and the message can be replied to as and when the recipient has time / can be bothered.

Sometimes I don't respond for a few days. It's the same when I text my friends. If I send a text at a time that suits me, I don't think it's fair to expect a response until it suits them.

If someone spoke directly to me in real life I wouldn't ignore them. Therefore, I'd never ignore a message because I see it as the same thing. I might not reply immediately if I'm busy but I always respond the same day. If people ignore a message deliberately, they are rude.

No it's not personal. You are only harming yourself believing it's personal.
People have things going on. And even if they don't people have different communication needs and styles.
Personally I only expect messages back within a few days not then and there.
That's generally my rate of communication unless it's an urgent thing. This even applies to my husband so it's not about how much I like or value someone.
Luckily I mainly have friends who are the same so no one gets offended.
Quite a lot of people out there just don't message back straight away. It has nothing to do with how they feel about you it's just how they are.
You can decide to cut all these people out of your life if you want but you'll probably just encounter more because a lot of people are like this.

No I get it OP. I think if it’s a general message or one that is about plans in the future I might put off answering if I was really busy and needed to think about the reply. However if it was a message trying to make plans for that day or the next I’d definitely make the effort to reply asap.

I’d never just ignore a message trying to make plans - that would be unkind.

im sorry you are feeling hurt.

@Autumn38 thank you for understanding. I’ve really tried to be so kind to everyone I meet. This mum in particular I have invested a lot in. She told me she feels really fat and ugly (she’s smaller than me lol!) and I have really tried to boost her. I feel like I’m here when people need someone and I readily make myself available but I don’t feel she puts in any effort. I think it’s really nasty ignoring messages.

Reasons people won’t respond:

• they have executive dysfunction common in people with ADHD
• they’ve read your message when busy and not found the time to reply because if you really are friends surely a reply is more than “good, thanks”? Surely it’s asking “how you and the kids are? How was little Amy’s dance production and has your mum had that MRI yet?” With an update on their lives. A message can be in draft for a few days because it’s long and it’s been written in 5 minutes intervals when I’m free.
• They don’t have the mental energy to reply because it’s an area they don’t want to process yet. The question of do wanting to meet seems simple enough but if they are on the verge of separating and don’t know what free time they will have but also not ready to voice the reason why they’ve got no availability.
• You’ve said something that needs careful consideration before a response.
• or they are actually trying to ignore you

If you feel like you aren’t getting the same energy back then it’s fine to end a friendship. You say you struggle with connections though so I would probably work out your true friends first rather than cutting all your friends out. If you struggle with connection then you also need to join some hobby groups and make new connections.

Tbh, OP, what you are describing here sounds like poor boundaries tbh and expecting similar of others. Unless its actually an emergency, it is OK to say you can't talk now or to ignore a message if it's inconvenient. And you don't have to give up a whole morning on your birthday to help someone if you don't want to.

You feel low right now and that might lead you to feel that you must be there for others whether you have the capacity or not but other people know that people will respond when they can and know that they and their time are also valuable.

You pride yourself on always responding with a thumbs up or similar. There are many (including those who post on MN) who regard it as passive aggressive and dismissive when someone responds to a message with 👍🏻

So, many of the people you respond to in that way to will actually be regarding you as rude and having no manners and would rather you just waited until you had time to reply properly.

Initially I was thinking just because you make sure to respond to absolutely every message even if it is a heart or thumbs up doesn't mean everyone else is like that. Side note: maybe someone takes your thumbs up offensive 🤷🏻‍♀️ I definitely dislike that emoji- anyway then I see at the very end you mention it is when you try to make plans? If you aren't getting a response when you are trying to make plans I would take it as they don't want to hang out and I would stop trying to make an effort. I know this doesn't fix the rejection feeling but not everyone enjoys everyone's company. Do you have hobbies that you find fulfilling?

I know you won't agree with the boundaries thing but to use one of your examples, it reads as though you gave up the morning of your birthday to help someone over text who had previously ignored you when you invited her out for coffee?

You have described her as someone with low self esteem who leans on you for emotionsl/mental support over her self image issues. Given that you havent described the help you gave as an emergency, I'm guessing that this was the sort of support you were giving?

You have invested a lot of time in her and make yourself readily available to her and others.

That is not how you make good and respectful friendships, it's how you get used and taken advantage of.

Yes. The problem with always being available for others is that people don't hold you in high regard. They take advantage.

If people don't reply to your invitations or firm up plans but then expect you to provide online MH support for hours (on your birthday), that is not a friend. That is someone who doesn't value your time because they see you not valuing it.

I understand what you're saying. I don't expect instant or lengthy replies but not getting any kind of response for weeks when it would take just a few seconds can be upsetting. Particularly if it's someone who'd usually be on your case if you didn't reply to them within a few hours.
There's quite a few people I used to know that I've just given up on and never bother to contact anymore.

What is even worse is when people don’t respond to your message but you can see they’ve been interactive on social media - really annoys me! I don’t think it takes much to reply a message!!!!

I disagree, if I don't want to connect with the outside world I will ignore my messages. It's not personal, if I wanted to reply, I would.

It might be helpful to put more of your energy into yourself.

I’ve really tried to be so kind to everyone I meet. This mum in particular I have invested a lot in Might be worthwhile assessing if you're over-investing.

Hi OP I mostly agree with you and have posted similar myself in the past but my expectations have changed in the past year or so as has the way I communicate (to a degree).

I think a reply within a few days is reasonable to expect of most people but I think you are right to think you may not be being prioritised as these same people are sometimes then posting on Facebook or Instagram. Whilst there may be reasons why some people can't respond or have a lot on, most people will be able to reply in a few days if they want to.

I agree with PP who said that actually just a heart or thumbs up emoji may not actually be a satisfactory response for some people (not that this means you shouldn't do it but just to make you aware of others having different expectations).

Most importantly for you I think you need to consider why you are investing so much in other people. If it bothered you to text this woman on your birthday then why did you do it? It's okay to just respond later or even say "I'll check and let you know" (depending on what it was). It seems like you helped reluctantly but expected something in return and it doesn't always work like that. It's okay to have boundaries, say no, reply when it suits you,

I'm terrible at replying to messages, sometimes I do if it's quick and easy, I never used to be like this pre-children. I am exhausted, utterly overwhelmed with difficult demanding children who don't go to sleep well so I have no evening. Most people who text me usually want something and I am always kind and help out as much as possible. Lots of people text wanting a date to meet up etc and sometimes it's just too much to process - trying to find turn to speak to my husband and work out when we are free etc. my phone pings all day long with messages, emails etc. I am always so exhausted and in pain (long-term pain issue that causes headaches regularly) that I don't look after myself, I don't even eat breakfast. All my energy goes on my children. Most days I could cry I am so tired and everything hurts. I am a good friend and would and have dropped everything if someone needs me. I'm sorry if it makes you feel low, that really sucks, but sometimes it's because the other person is low they just can't reply in a timely way, in my opinion it is no reflection on you. And if you wonder why I am posting a long reply on Mumsnet, this is a fraction of escapism before I have to get the children up and ready for sports clubs :(