To think it is personal when people ignore your messages?!

[iCantStopppEating]

I feel it’s so rude. No matter what is going on with my life I never leave a message on read for days. I have never left a message on read or ignored. Even my MIL who I do not get along with I respond to her messages even if it’s just a thumbs up or heart. When I see people post similar threads of feeling hurt when they’re ignored it often gets dismissed. Surely a feeling of being ignored is a natural response? if you have a healthy self-esteem and tons of friends then I can see why it doesn’t bother people but I do feel ignored. Especially when I can see the same people are very chatty and vocal on group messages do have time but choose to ignore me. I know someone will come along and make ne feel it’s my fault but I am feeling really low at the moment. Connecting with people I find so difficult anyway but then to be ignored when I do try to make plans for a coffee etc. get ignored.

I have friends that I’ve had for thirty years who we dip in and out of contact with, they live all over the world and we have the most genuine, loving connection which also means that we don’t judge, we don’t sulk or expect eachother to drop everything because someone messages about something. When we do chat, it’s for hours and it’s important and every ten years or so we might meet in person and it’s amazing.

I also have friends who I’ve known more recently that are the same, understanding and considerate and trusting. They all know that I will be there when I can and that even if I’m not typing messages or talking to them, I have their backs. I will send daft messages or presents just because I’m thinking of them but I won’t necessarily reply to every message straight away.

On reflection, the others are not proper friends, the ones who would message multiple times if I didn’t reply straight away or sulk (or worse, send ??? Rather than words). Those people are not friends because they expect to be the centre of my attention even if I can’t do that, they make everything about them and I’m not going to respond to that if they can’t do me the courtesy of some consideration too.

I do have one friend who I love dearly, who used to get stroppy if I didn’t reply straight away, I know that this is about her anxiety though so I’ve explained to her that I can’t always do that and turned off all the notifications so that she has less to worry about. The difference with her is that I know it’s because she struggles to manage her anxiety and also she has a very low demand life so doesn’t understand that I have a million and one other things to do (and if I’m not doing them I’m usually sleeping).

Maybe it’s a matching energy thing?

There’s a big difference between someone not having time to reply straight away and someone not replying at all. Personally I know I sometimes forget or take a while to reply to messages if I’m busy. I suppose friends sometimes do the same to me but I would never have an issue with this as I assume they are also busy. I don’t understand why you spent 3 hours on the morning of your birthday replying to messages. I would have either said ‘speak later or not replied until I had the time to. I think you’re worrying too much about something that’s a non issue and you need to put your own personal boundaries in place.

Honestly, just consider that people may have other stuff going on and/or simply don't have the time to respond to what might not even be a particularly urgent message.

I think we know which of our friends just about have their head above water and don’t expect much from them, and are glad of what time they can spare.

But OP and the many, many other people who post on this subject aren’t talking about friends like that. Few people are so busy they don’t have 30 seconds to spare to reply. They just can’t be bothered and use busyness as an excuse while simultaneously making themselves seem incredibly important and the other person feel needy and intrusive.

Just match the energy OP. You’ll hear from them as frequently as they think of you and want to hear from you. That’s unlikely to be often but that will give you more time for people who value your friendship and are worth bothering with.

Absolutely agree with this.
On the flip side
I'm on the end of someone who messages constantly and wants to do things,I don't need or want them too.
It's irritating being offered lifts when I can drive myself, I'm an adult!!
It's so draining and needy.
If I'm being honest I just ignore their messages now

True friends will come to you, chasing people is to boost your self esteem, you use them, they use you and it becomes this resentful relationship.

It's giving very "central character" vibes, to believe that people are purposefully not responding to annoy, irritate or purposefully ignore you. It's very demanding and entitled to believe that you warrant their immediate attention irrelevant of what they may or may not have going on in their life.

My phone is for MY convenience. I will look at it/interact with it on my schedule, not on yours.

Your phone is for YOUR convenience. I will understand that you will use it as you wish, not as I wish.

It is not an insult/snub if someone doesn’t respond on your schedule. They will respond on theirs.

Sometimes I’m sent such goady rubbish I can’t find anything to say in response.
Sometimes this person will send a msg to test the water. I’ll respond and then be ignored. Life was so much more straightforward before WhatsApp

Totally agree!
Plain rude. It's the selective replying that pisses me off.
If u need a mental break from people, fair enough. But don't be selective, that's rude.
I've turned off my last seen on WhatsApp so I can't see others. On 100 times a day yet not opening or responding to me which usually can be sorted with a simple thumbs up or heart.
Also on social media, posting, sharing, sending follow requests.

Don't be selective, it's offensive!
If you need a break, which we all do!
Take a break from everyone.

My bad manners example, asked for permission to watsapp etc as building the friendship, got the permission kept texts to a reasonable extent and then after doing the customary have a good weekend as usually only send these each Friday, next thing I'm blocked, it's like I understand if there are other factors etc but at least a talk would of helped me understand the reason better

Like you op I always try and return calls. People are so flaky since covid. You see it on here ghosting or cancelling. I dont really chase friends now

I read a very thoughtful response on a similar thread a while back, which pointed out that technology (texting, WhatsApp, social media) keeps some friendships alive that would have drifted apart naturally in the past. This really resonated with me. For example, with your school mum friend, would she just be someone who you say hello to at the school gates and have a brief chat with, rather than being so heavily invested and supporting her by messaging?

Likewise, I’ve moved away from my home town and in the past, this would mean losing touch with school friends - but some of us are on Facebook so that brings a certain amount of ‘keeping in touch’ and reacting to good/ bad news. Not as intense as a WhatsApp group but still something to take up ‘brain space’.

As a result, it can feel like you’re being bombarded with requests and some people just don’t want to deal with it, which other people then perceive as rude.

May be way off the mark but if the OP has low self esteem and poor boundaries, it's likely her friends do too.

Firstly because of the whole birds of a feather flocking together and also because people with healthy self esteem and boundaries tend to find people with low self esteem, poor boundaries and people pleasing tendencies to be 'too much'.

Which will also cause issues and mean that they will impose on others whilst not necessarily offering the same in return.

This is an interesting perspective, I feel there's something in this for some people.

It’s mad that only 25 years ago this problem didn’t exist.

This is why I have a regular phone detox
I don't go onto any SM now and don't accept messages calls etc if I'm working or busy
I then do a timed phone use for 1 hour in the evening
It saves me so much time and I'm getting so much done.
I can set my phone to DND except for DH and my adult DC in case of emergencies.

I have a couple of people that message me and if l reply, theybsee it as an open invite to chat random shit for the rest of the day. I don't have time for that so kinder to not reply sometimes.

I agree random shit is very annoying. I don't send memes or jokes or chat. I simply ask "Are you free to go to X" or "I am in your area. Want a coffee?"

People can respond quite simply to those.

It depends. If someone is a very close friend or close family member it's normal that they would reply either the same/next day. If it's a friend who has loads of WhatsApp groups/busy social life, then it's more understandable. If it's someone who has been out for a heavy sesh and they've forgotten they've seen your message, it's understandable. If your friend has ADHD, it's understandable. Also, it depends on the nature of the message. If it's something very important, then people who care about you should respond. If it's a casual message, people may be distracted and forget.

I totally agree with you OP.

But MN is really odd about messages, phone calls and even answering the door, so I'm not surprised you've got the responses you have.

YABU. I agree with most.

If you need something urgently, then phone the person. Otherwise, a messaging system like WhatsApp is asynchronistic. You message when it is convenient to you and the other person replies when it is convenient for them.

One problem I find with WhatsApp is that I can't mark messages 'unread' like I can my e-mails. So if I've glanced at something when I am not able to reply, it then isn't showing as being a message needing to be responded to, so it is then easy to forget later, when I could have replied, if I'd remembered it was there.

Completely agree.. everyone has their phone in their hand.. but can't take 2 seconds to say, "busy now reply later,"
If they value you, they'll reply.
There's a saying, "when people show you who they are, believe them." And I think the same goes for when people show you how little they value you, believe them.
I'm as busy as the next person but I don't leave people on read.

They should feel lucky they've got friends who want to see them.

When working, I can be in a meeting, and glance at a message as it comes in, but not able to message a reply.
Same as when I am outside and don't want to take my gloves off.
Same as when I might get my phone out to have a quick glance (to see if any emergency / urgent messages) when am out with someone, or spending time with someone else.
I'm sure there are plenty of other times people can have a quick glance, to read what has come in, but aren't able to reply.

I don't think OP means she expects a reply within a few hours. She mentions messages being ignored for days.