To think it is personal when people ignore your messages?!

[iCantStopppEating]

I feel it’s so rude. No matter what is going on with my life I never leave a message on read for days. I have never left a message on read or ignored. Even my MIL who I do not get along with I respond to her messages even if it’s just a thumbs up or heart. When I see people post similar threads of feeling hurt when they’re ignored it often gets dismissed. Surely a feeling of being ignored is a natural response? if you have a healthy self-esteem and tons of friends then I can see why it doesn’t bother people but I do feel ignored. Especially when I can see the same people are very chatty and vocal on group messages do have time but choose to ignore me. I know someone will come along and make ne feel it’s my fault but I am feeling really low at the moment. Connecting with people I find so difficult anyway but then to be ignored when I do try to make plans for a coffee etc. get ignored.

I know a lot of people disagree with you @iCantStopppEating but I agree. People leaving me on 'read' just pisses me off. I don't expect an answer within 30 seconds, but the same day would be nice.

I have several people in my life who do this, (my message is read but they don't answer!!!) and they are generally decent and good people, so I try not to take it personally, but it's soooooooooooooo annoying!

3 times out of 4 I have to message them again before they respond. Fucks me right off TBH.

I often have to message them again and say 'hiya, sorry to bother you - did you get my message from 10 hours ago/yesterday?' The answer is ALWAYS 'oh yeah sorry I've been busy.' Sorry but no-one is 'too busy' to send a quick message. Even to say 'hiya, bit busy now. Will message you this evening.'

It is rude to not respond within a few hours. As I said, even the same day would be OK!

You sound like you are putting your expectations on others. Unless it's an urgent manner I would find you quite rude if you expected an immediate reply.

I wouldn't telephone somebody and expect them just to have a chat without checking first (or something urgent) or drop in their house.
People are busy and often have other priorities than being stuck on their phone.

I realise that @Mill3nnial , but I was specifically replying to @snowlady4 's assertation that a) people have their phone in their hand all the time and b) people must be able to message a quick reply.

Sometimes people just want to be left alone. I hate this expectation that we are available to everybody all of the time .

Absolutely agree

I don’t know why people think I’m expecting a response straight away?! I’ve read all your messages and I actually see what older people mean about a breakdown in society and no sense of community. I’m not messaging a complete random with a list of demands or questions I want answers right awY 😂 I’m messaging a “friend” if she would like to have coffee on X day (my day off). It’s a 2 second response of “sorry I can’t” or “can I let you know on the day as not sure yet?” or even “yes would love to”. It’s so rude to keep me hanging about when it’s my only day off. I can’t make other plans as waiting.

I think lots of you saying this is normal is very worrying. I ignore cold callers and put the phone down when I realise it’s them I also ignore scam messages but my so called family and friends would of course get better treatment of an actual response!!!

I don’t care what others think now as I know in my mind who ever ignores me repeatedly I will not bother with. The relationship will with fizzle out as I won’t bother and they won’t either.

100% get you @iCantStopppEating It is (as you say) particularly annoying if you are trying to arrange a coffee with someone, and you want to put it in your diary/on your calendar so you can plan your week, and know what you're doing - (and when.) It's incredibly irritating when they don't answer. (And you know they have read your message.)

Or even worse, I have one friend who answers sometimes after a day to a day and a half! (And it's only ever after my second message saying 'hey did ya get me message? Wanna meet up week commencing 15th July? Let me know which day...,)

Then she says 'I have to look at my rota for week commencing 15th July. I will get back to you.' 2 days later, she still hasn't messaged. I'm thinking 'fucking hell woman, come on! 3 days after my first message saying 'do you want to meet for coffee soon?' and I still don't know which day we're meeting next week. I do have a life, and may want to plan other stuff. It's often 4 days later, and occasionally I end up messaging her AGAIN to remind her!

I have started to say to this particular friend 'I am free 15th, 17th, and 21st, which day can you meet out of those 3?' Because I am fed up of saying 'I am free from 15th July to 22nd, what day can you meet?' And 3 days later she hasn't let me know. Pisses me off. It's as if she thinks I have fuck-all else going on in my life, and she can just keep me hanging!

I used to be brilliant at replying to messages. My life has been one much harder and consequently I often see a message, plan to reply when I have time, then get distracted by the chaos and completely forget. Then remember a few days later. Not always but it does happen sometimes.

im very apologetic and my friends and family are very understanding, thank goodness.

@SabreIsMyFave that is really frustrating! Tbh I would have given up on this friend by now!

I feel embarrassed writing this but it’s an anonymous forum so here goes: I also think sometimes it’s a “power move” to keep a person waiting when a response is needed in arranging a day. I haven’t dated for 20+ years but I remember people deliberately ignoring to get more interest?! I kind of feel a friend should respond. I wonder if they feel they will look desperate if they respond straight away like they have no friends?

I think YABU, needy and judgemental.

Life is busy and chaotic enough without thinking that the people who are actually meant to like me for who I am need instant gratification in response to my messages. I have friends I have contact with daily and others I see once a year. I love them all to bits. The only reason I worry when I don't hear back is that something might not be ok with them. Because not everything is about me.

Yeah you could have a point - about it being a power trip, but I don't know why people do it. TBH I am giving this friend a bit of a wide berth now. It's a shame because we go back some 20 years, but I am sick of her fucking me about.

And a part of me thinks that she keeps me dangling in case something better comes along for her, and yeah on some level it does feel like a power trip. Keeping me waiting.

And yeah, I wonder if some people do wait - a number of hours, or even a day or two - to respond, in case people think they have no life/no other friends. I would never think that though - if someone responded quickly, and made a date to meet me!

!

How many times have I started to reply to a message then got distracted by the doorbell or someone asking me to do somethig???? put phone down - get involved in whatever took me from the message - totally forgot about the message… other messages come in and it’s pushed down so I don’t see it.

3 days later I suddenly for no reason - remember the message and reply (with an apology)

it’s really nothing personal - just so often you get waylaid in the middle of doing things and forget to respond.

if it is something important and you’d expect a reply - send another text or call me ?

but please don’t take umbridge with the fact that I got distracted and that ‘how you doing? - smiley face emoji smiley face emoji ‘ Wasn’t the biggest priority in my life and I didn’t respond. It really isn’t personal and is just that life can be hectic and chaotic and I’m human and forget things!!!

I think @Baconandddddeggs is my flaky 'friend.' 3 days after a message she still hasn't been arsed to message back and is thinking 'if you want me THAT bad, message me again, or call me!' What breathtakingly arrogant and narcissistic behaviour. I'm amazed some people manage to keep friends.

As I said, I am starting to give my useless flaky friend a wide berth. CBA. Clearly she (and anyone who behaves like her) thinks they are so terribly important and special, that the world and his wife should chase after them like they're fucking Royalty! 👑

NEWSFLASH! No-one is any better than anyone else, and no-one's time is more important than anyone else's. So (some) people need to stop acting like other people are less worthy than them. Because that is what they are doing by not being arsed to answer messages for days on end!

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I agree with you it’s rude, who hasn’t got ten mins to text back ??? I guarantee they will
go onto their preferred social media and scroll yet not text you back. For me 24hrs is acceptable but anything more is really poor and I wouldn’t bother “reaching out” to people like this anymore.

It seems from what you’ve written that she’s not motivated to reply bc she doesn’t want to meet up. It could be she wants to slow fade your friendship as she is still replying to messages, so isn’t ghosting you. Or she may be crap at replying, but if I were you I’d leave her now, unless she’s apologised and explained why she’d like this and has asked you to take the lead.

It’s horrible to acknowledge or accept but sometimes ppl just don’t want to continue friendships but don’t have the courage to say so, leaving you confused, annoyed and sometimes a bit heartbroken. I’d leave her to initiate contact now and if she doesn’t draw a line under her.

@iCantStopppEating I agree with you. Most people are fine and I’m not worried about reply timescales but there are a couple of “friends” who would never reply. So I stopped messaging. Now they always message first with a how are you/ we should meet etc etc. I can never bring myself to not reply as it feels so rude so I always respond, and then they read it and completely ignore me again until the cycle repeats. Why message in the first place?! It’s truly bizarre. Certainly feels like a power move as if their time is so much more important than mine (and I’m run ragged half the time)

Thank you. 💞 I reckon you're 100% correct. She clearly CBA - and this is why she is taking so long to answer messages so often. Anyone who cares about someone does NOT ignore several messages, and take 4 days to get back to them ... As I said NO-ONE is too busy to send a quick message. It's so arrogant and narcissistic to keep people waiting, and demand they that they keep messaging, if they are THAT interested in speaking. Like who do they think they are LOL!

I wish my 'friend' would ghost me actually, instead of this slow fade shit! I wish I had the nerve to ghost her. I have tried not contacting her for some months (3-4 months) and hope she will just not bother again, but then she suddenly messages! Then we arrange to meet. It's like she can't fathom why I am not chasing after her (when I'm not doing so!) So she sends a short message. I get such mixed signals. Then all is OK when I see her. Then a month or 2 later I message her, and then that's when she doesn't answer, and I have to message again, and again... And then she says 'I will have to let you know.'

I wish she would just stop contacting me. I saw her last in mid September when she put a message on Facebook saying she likes my pictures of me and DH at Aberystwyth, and said 'we will have to meet soon.' (I had heard nothing since early July at that point when I met her for a coffee.) So I messaged her after her comment on my pictures.

3 days later... NOTHING. I was so angry with myself for messaging her. 6 days it was, before she got back to me and we met end of September. She also says 'message me next time you wanna meet as you know me! And you know how busy my life is LOL!' Like yeah mate.. I have no life right?!

I don't know where to go from here with her! I wish she would never contact me again TBH. But when I leave it some months she suddenly fires me a message on Facebook!

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I think there are too many ways to contact people and the result is many feel overwhelmed or under pressure.

25 years ago it was a phone call, and you could leave a message on their machine if you wished. Maybe even send a letter. If you had an afforable mobile phone tariff, it was a very short text - too long and you got charged twice.

Now it's text, email, WhatsApp, Discord, facebook message, other messaging services or calls - people are able to contact you any hour of the day or night and they all expect a fairly prompt response.

I once left my phone upstairs on the charger for a day to work in the garden and had people messaging my DH and my DC because "she's not responding, is everything OK?"

It's nice when people reply promptly but it's not an obligation. I tend to assume it's more about what's happening in their lives than any reflection on me.

OP, don't make yourself overly available to people. Have your own boundaries. Accept the flakey ones for who they are, and if it annoys you too much just don't get in touch with them.

Well this is it you see. The 3 people in my life who leave me on 'read,' spend half their waking hours on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, TikTok, YouTube etc etc etc, and scrolling through PrettyLittleThing, ASOS, Amazon, and Ebay looking for goodies to buy... Yet they seemingly can't spend 30-60 seconds messaging me back.

Annoying.

As.

FUCK!

Literally no excuse. None.

Not at sitting around thinking for 3 days ‘message me again if you want me then I might reply ‘

I read texts - I usually reply straight away - but sometimes - i get distracted and just I forget . I am human.

if I text a friend and they don’t answer - rather than stewing on it for 3 days and stressing - I just text again (be that later in the day , the next day depending on how urgently I want to converse with them) .

I don’t see the need for all the drama and name calling - if they usually respond and don’t - I’d be texting again to check they are ok because I’d be worried about them and want to be checking in with them.

the joy of a text / email is people can respond when it suits them.

I’ve had friends ‘blank me’ for 3 days - turned out their kids was in hospital and they were up to their eyes in dealing with it and they responded when things were calmer… totally understood though was worried at the time - but it all made sense.

other friends like me - sometimes just forget to respond and a prompting text gets the conversation going s as bd reply such as ‘so sorry I read your text yesterday when I was taking the boys to football and David had a meltdown as he couldn’t find his boots and I totally forgot about your text! So sorry. Yes, would love to meet up on Friday at 7’

i am guilty of sometimes reading and forgetting to reply. That doesn’t make me flaky - it makes me human.

NEWSFLASH! No-one is any better than anyone else, and no-one's time is more important than anyone else's. So (some) people need to stop acting like other people are less worthy than them. Because that is what they are doing by not being arsed to answer messages for days on end!

Flip this on its head and you will come up with what many of us on here have been saying. By insisting that you should have the response that you want, in the timescale that you want it gives a sense that you think you are more important than anything else going on in that person’s life.

Someone upthread called it main character syndrome and that’s exactly what it is.

Op, so that suits you. Others are not so compelled, or live very different lives.

I don't feel the need to respond. I'm not a slave to my phone. It is not unusual for my phone to be out of battery at the bottom of my bag. It is a tool for my benefit, not so I can be at others' beck and call. I'll usually check messages every few days but I'm a single mum with a full time, flat out job and I have other priorities. My best friend is a farmer. I'm used to her getting back to me when the wheat is in and the combine sent on its way. Sometimes a week or two. 🤗

Likewise, my siblings are all busy and response times are usually a few days..

People don't NEED an immediate response. Humanity got to the 1980s without mobile phones or social media. Your sort of expectations just create another demand, another source of stress.

I would say, if you've specified a date and it's your only day off, have a 48 hour deadline or something in your head and, if they don't reply, plan to do something else.

If you don't hear back from them at all, then your time hasn't been wasted, of you do, you can say, "Sorry, I didn't hear back from you so I made other plans!"

I think that's reasonable. And you've also communicated to them that your time isn't to be wasted. That way, you've asserted a boundary without explicitly announcing it.

And then you can make a decision on whether you're going to ask them again.

Again, this is the only thing you can control. You can't make someone reply more quickly.

That's essentially what people mean when they say make yourself less available. It's not an aggressive 'fuck you' move, it's just prioritising your life. And definitely make yourself less available to people who are using you.

Don't feel embarrassed because it's helpful to process all lines of thinking. Personally, I can't imagine that it would be a power thing.

I don't always reply immediately (and you don't expect that anyway) because I can't. But then I do have to remember that they've messaged me and to do it later. In between reading the message and remembering to reply, I might have a scroll through fb or reply to a more immediate message from my partner or children so would appear to have been online and 'ignoring' them. But I'm not. I just haven't had chance to reply yet. Or have forgotten!

Personally, I've never considered it might be a power move if someone doesn't reply to me. I assume they couldn't reply at the time and have since forgotten. If I really wanted to see them, I'd send a reminder. If I wasn't particularly bothered, I'd make other plans and see them another time.

And if you genuinely think that a friend is playing games as you suggest, or waiting for a netter offer, then they're not really a friend anyway are they?

Maybe it's an age/generational thing. My children (late teens/20s) consider it the height of bad manners to leave someone on read. I actually don't mind. At least I know they've read it and will reply when they can.

You seem very focused on finding fault and blaming when it really might not be that deep. They're either busy and haven't had chance/forgot to reply or they're not really that bothered about seeing you and aren't prioritising replying. You know them and which it is more likely to be so base your response on that.

They don't need an excuse though do they?

Maybe they just don't want to reply.