To think it is personal when people ignore your messages?!

[iCantStopppEating]

I feel it’s so rude. No matter what is going on with my life I never leave a message on read for days. I have never left a message on read or ignored. Even my MIL who I do not get along with I respond to her messages even if it’s just a thumbs up or heart. When I see people post similar threads of feeling hurt when they’re ignored it often gets dismissed. Surely a feeling of being ignored is a natural response? if you have a healthy self-esteem and tons of friends then I can see why it doesn’t bother people but I do feel ignored. Especially when I can see the same people are very chatty and vocal on group messages do have time but choose to ignore me. I know someone will come along and make ne feel it’s my fault but I am feeling really low at the moment. Connecting with people I find so difficult anyway but then to be ignored when I do try to make plans for a coffee etc. get ignored.

I'm one of those people. It's not intentional, I read and then put my phone down or away and think I'll reply later and never do, unless it's something that warrants an immediate reply like "shall we go for a drink, I'm in town right now" or I'm in a messaging mood.

I'm the same with sending messages, I think I really need to message x but then don't do it because it slips my mind.

I don't post on social media very often(think I've done 3 times this year), I hate being glued to my phone and I'm trying to wean myself off of here too. Being constantly on tech is draining.

Are you referring to WhatsApp messages or proper texts? If it’s texts/iMessage then most people don’t have their read receipts enabled. I’ve deliberately disabled the read/last online function on WhatsApp for exactly this reason!

I don’t always respond to someone immediately. Only DP, DC or my Mum. If I’m busy or distracted I’ll wait till I’m not doing anything, then reply. I tend to reply in batches when I’m waiting for an appointment, on a train, watching TV etc. I especially don’t like getting drawn into long back and forths by text, but if we’re making imminent plans then I do try to respond immediately out of respect for people’s diaries.

I completely agree with this. Sometimes being too available means people take you for granted and dont bother to put the effort in because they know they can always count on you being there in the background when they need you.

Of course life gets busy, we are all busy! I dont expect immediate replies by any means. However, if someone repeatedly ignores me then I drop the rope and stop bothering. I am not chasing anyone for friendship because it makes me feel rubbish and my feelings are very important to me- it's part of my self care.

So to answer the question- yes, I do give people leeway, however, if the friendship starts to become unbalanced and I realise that I am putting in all the effort then I am out. If they do care then they can get in touch. I have found that this rarely happens mind, which makes me think the people who dont bother to reach out just couldnt give a toss so it was the right decision!

OP- its great you are kind to your friends but what about kindness towards yourself?

You deserve a reply when asking someone to meet up! I am presuming you arent bombarding these people with messages so it would take 10 seconds for her to say "sorry, cant make it" wouldnt it?

Really think about that- she cannot spare you 10 seconds of her time to reply but yet she expects you to devote time on your birthday helping her. Does that sound like the actions of a kind "friend"? It doesnt to me...

🩷

Absolutely this.

You’re being massively unreasonable in my opinion. Messaging someone at your convenience and expecting them to reply straight away is the equivalent of turning up at random and standing in front of them demanding that they speak to you there and then regardless of what they’re doing. That’s a very selfish mindset.

It’s because of people like you that I’ve turned off the notifications on my phone.

I wouldnt expect instant replies but to ignore a message about meeting up is certainly rude when this person is leaning on you heavily for support when it suits them.

Start being more unavailable yourself- as PP have said in this thread, its fine to do so, so next time she needs help ignore her.

It annoys me too. I think it's rude. Someone forgetting the odd time is fine, easily done but regular offenders I can't be bothered with. Obviously different if someone is going through bereavement, serious illness etc.

How would you even know what people are going through? I don’t tell people, they don’t need to know if I’m ill, my kids are struggling, my dad’s cancer is advancing etc. I should need to broadcast this because they can’t cope with being the centre of my attention on demand.

To be clear, I am kind and supportive, I will put myself out for other people regularly, but I will absolutely not accept that just because someone has messaged me I have an obligation to reply immediately.

I think someone has said it already but turn off your read receipts/ last seen on and then you won't know if someone has seen it and can't stress over their lack of response.

So make yourself less available to her.

I understand the frustration at replying to others, even when not massively convenient, then receiving nothing back for days, not even - ‘sorry, but busy will text later’, or a ‘thanks’ to an enquiry as to their well being. They may fear a response opens up the floodgates to more interaction which they can’t face, which is understandable.

It’s difficult bc the decent thing for ppl to do is acknowledge the effort/concern you have for them in reaching out to them, but you have to accept if they can’t cope with doing that, it isn’t personal - it is about them not you. (This is regarding someone with genuine mh issues or real life problems that they’re struggling to deal with.) Ppl that just can’t be arsed on the other hand but expect swift responses from you are just the worst.

Mirror the way she replies. Leave her on read a few days or don’t open her messages til the next day or whatever. Ppl are quick to pick up on these changes in behaviour and she will probably ask what’s wrong. Don’t start attacking or criticising her but you can say that you’ve decided to invest less in other ppl for a while for your own well being. You could then go on to say that you put a lot of effort into responding and being available to friends but are taking a step back as it isn’t reciprocated and will use their style of communication as a guide from now on. She’ll probably change in the short term, but then go back to her current pattern as a default, but you never know.

That’s really nice OP, you sound lovely. But I think for your own sake you need to become choosier. Your time is SO precious.

messages are not like phone calls, there’s no need for an instant response.

So make yourself less available to her

Yes- absolutely. Stop going out of your way for someone who doesnt show the same care to you.

I think maybe you're too much of a people-pleaser.

You give too much and don't have great boundaries, and then get/feel taken for granted and devalued.

Like with your birthday spent supporting someone else - not valuing your own time and occasions and putting yourself after everyone else, often results in people not "seeing" you.

Then you're oversensitive about being left on read or whatever because you feel like they should be falling over themselves like you would.

Put some boundaries in place, value yourself more, stop seeking validation elsewhere.

I agree OP. It takes seconds to acknowledge a message but people on MN are weird about this and will always find reasons for why it's ok not to reply.

This lady is not your friend. Another comment of yours said she knew it was your birthday but you spent your time helping her with her issues or something to that degree. She is completely using you. She is emotionally draining you as well. She needs to be cut off.

I completely agree with you. No one is that overwhelmed or busy that they can’t just say thanks, I’ll get back to you on that. It is manners and you’re not expecting too much to expect a v quick reply. I find it rude, also posting on social media yet ignoring messages is next level.

People on MN will tell you it's fine to ignore messages. But that's because MN is an absolute hotbed of misanthropy and social anxiety.

I always reply, maybe not right away, but I always reply. In this particular instance, I would distance myself and make myself far less available. Match people's energy.

Yup. This person isn’t a friend. She is using you.

It’s perfectly ok to not be available on your birthday. Why are your needs always coming last after everyone else’s?

I agree with @category12 you are people pleasing and it always causes resentment in the long run.

No one is obligated to do anything. If they are good friends most people would generally know what is going on with them or apologies at a later date and explain why they didn't reply. I don't think anyone is expecting an immediate reply. Like I said sometimes it is fine, someone may be going through something horrible but persistently I personally think it's rude. I've went through a bereavement recently, I have a busy work/family life, I have horrible health anxiety, I also struggle with 24/7 loud tinnitus but I always reply to messages. I just wouldn't ignore people. That's the way I was brought up. I accept other people have different values, priorities but it's something I think is important in a friendship. Sorry to hear about your dad.

YANBU expecting instant replies is unreasonable, but expecting friends to regularly reply within a day is reasonable.

Yes people have difficult lives, and certainly it’s important to extend grace to people. But if you are so far down someone’s priority list that a sorry too busy is more than they can manage when you propose catching up - are they really a friend? What would you loose by stepping back and putting your efforts elsewhere? What are either of you getting out of the friendship?

While this sort of interaction (or non-interaction) works for some it clearly does not work for you!

Easier said than done, but I suspect you need to find friends who have time for you and interact a way that works for you.

Many people struggle with this constant messaging. It can be very intrusive. People who are neurodivergent can really struggle and a message that needs a response can bring on high stress.

It's not all about you and your lived experiences. They also have theirs.

You don't get to dictate what people do. There are many reasons people don't respond, and yes 'not wanting to' is a perfectly acceptable reason.