DD being ghosted by flatmate but still living together. WIBU for her to move out? Should the flatmate move out?

[Fluffytowels24]

Wasn't sure whether to post here or on the SEN board. DD is autistic, adhd, dyspraxic and dyslexic.
She's had to drop of out uni for a year due to MH issues. This includes the trauma of being bullied very badly at school.
DD met her friend, L, 3 years ago when they were freshers. They 'clicked' immediately and bonded over both having anxiety, as well as loads of other things. L is from our home town and it turned out they had a mutual friend although they'd not met till uni.
This year DD and L decided to move into a 2 bed flat, after both of them had lived in party houses. L was the first person DD told about having to drop out for a year, and L was really supportive about this, helping her look for jobs etc. L had deferred for a year last year and this is now her final year.
Their flat was meant to be a kind of safe haven for DD, somewhere she could heal before going back to uni next year.
About 10 days ago L started being very off with DD, barely speaking to her. DD, L and a few others went out for Halloween and L started acting normally towards DD, so DD assumed that whatever had upset L had passed. But then when they were back in the flat, L started shunning her again. She's absolutely ignoring her: won't say good morning, if DD tries to make small talk L literally ignores her. DD has messaged to ask L what is upsetting her, please can she tell her, and that she's very sorry for whatever it is that has caused her to start ignoring her. But L just reads the messages and doesn't reply.
When a mutual friend came round, L behaved completely normally towards him, then promptly went back to ignoring DD after he had left. So I don't think that L has gone into a severe depression.
DD is obviously really hurt and confused by this. She has written notes to L which L has totally ignored, leaving them where DD has put them out (e.g. in the kitchen).
DD has wracked her brains and really can't think of anything she has done to upset L. They've not had an argument or anything. DD is a good flatmate, she cleans up after herself, doesn't leave a mess etc. She and L spent a lot of time making the flat nice and homely when they first moved in. But now DD doesn't want to live there as she's got to share with someone who's literally ghosting her, but living with her.
They haven't lived together before but they went backpacking last year and had a really nice time; they seemed to be compatible in terms of sharing space, drinking levels, going to bed at similar times etc.
I am not sure where we can go from here -
DD has come home for a long weekend as a friend from school lost her mother and she had to go to the funeral. She doesn't want to go back to the flat now. (When DD told L why she was coming home, she just said 'OK' and didn't say anything about the funeral)

The lease is till June. I think it would be very unreasonable to expect DD to live in this environment for the next 9 months, being shunned and not knowing why.

If anyone has been in a similar situation I would really welcome any suggestions. Many thanks x

If her emotional capabilities are so limited I’m surprised she was allowed to go backpacking.

Alternative is, if your DD is too weak to stand up to her friend, you move in and be a an absolute bitch to her friend for the remainder of the lease.

i really like this idea. 🤔

Is the friend in a newish relationship?

This happened within my friendship group at uni, between formerly close friends & housemates, and it eventually turned out that it was down to a controlling boyfriend...

Friend 1 got new boyfriend who felt threatened by her close friendship with Friend 2 & told her that he didn't think he could be with her if they stayed so close, he'd always feel shut out etc

So Friend 2 was cruelly dumped without any explanation. Was a bit of a sh*tshow for all of us in the end to be frank

You're saying it's more abusive to threaten to report the abuse than to actually... do the abuse?

So, it started 10 days ago and your dd hasn't even been there for some of those days?
What happened to the flatmate 10 days ago to cause her to shut down? To withdraw? Don't know? Didn't ask? Because it IMMEDIATELY was all about DD?

She's not being bullied. Her flatmate hasn't wanted to talk for some reason. Is it because she has tried to discuss something the DD didn't want to hear or wasn't capable of hearing? We don't know what really went on between them before this. OP is happy to tell us because, clearly she was there too, but we don't really know.
How was she 'bullied' in Uni because I'm wondering if it was just that no one wanted to be friends? Has she been turned into a victim in her own mind? We really don't know anything at all. This didn't come out of no where.
Oh, and the being able to be nice when someone visited. Easy. Saves the visitor from feeling awkward for a start. Can't beleve no one has done this during an argument with a partner/sibling etc.

You don't step in OP. By all means empower your dd to have the tools to manage this situation. You have to realise though that there my be plenty mor to the situation than you realise

I would dearly love to know 🤯 the issue is that she won't say!

It does happen that people fall out when living together. The friend sounds horrible, but it could be they're both just grated on eachother too much. It's better if they part ways. But I hope she can try and ask the friend to at least discuss the reason for her cold behaviour. And apologise.
If your daughter wants to stay in the flat she can ask the friend to leave, but a lot depends on their tenancy agreement.

what abuse are you talking about?!

the flatmate hasnt responded to some messages and hasnt spoken to her flatmate for an unknown reason. What do you expect Uni to do, the daughter isnt even a student there this year?!

the flatmate might be having mental health issues or anything, and you want to hound her off her uni course because she doesnt want a friendship with her flatmate?! Theres no law saying you MUST speak to the other person sharing a house with you.

i think its bullying behaviour to try and hound her tbh. Get a grip.

@StandingSideBySide She's allowed to do whatever she wants. She's 21with (assuming) full mental capacity.

That doesn't mean her ability to deal with issues and conflict in an adult manner aren't impaired or that she doesn't need some extra help/ guidance where other young adults wouldn't. Her needs in this regard will also likely fluctuate.

I think this is what hurts so much! DD is autistic but that doesn't mean that she has no clue about how to navigate relationships or friendships - she has a lot of friends. She absolutely isn't pestering L - she has sent 1 message asking why L is upset, apologised if she has done something to upset her and asked if they could discuss. She isn't the type to mither people

People on here saying that it's perfectly acceptable to blank someone living under the same roof as you. I bet they'd say differently if their husband didn't speak for 10 days.

OP, I take it L doesn't speak even about daily living? Have you finished with the bathroom? Have you seen my keys? There's a gas safety check booked for next Tuesday. Those sort of things.

If so, my first call would be from DD to the landlord, he may have others who would like the tenancy. She could also put a notice on the board at Uni, just ask permission at reception, put cards in local shops.
Speak to Landlord first though, she mustn't sub-let or she will still be liable for unpaid rent.

It's the most humiliating feeling to speak to someone and they won't reply. You are being isolated by them. L knows exactly what effect it's having but doesn't have the guts to air her grievance.

The best thing OP is stop wondering why and counsel DD to leave.

@CJsGoldfish queried, what happened 10 days ago? for things to change

If it’s anything your dd has done ( not saying it is but the whole thing is bizarre ) then your dd will know.

Perhaps it’s something your dd said to a n other friend and so and so told so and so and before you know it Chinese whispers has done it’s worst!

Has anything happened. Even the smallest thing. Talk to dd

'The silent treatment' is considered by most authorities on abuse to be .. abusive.

The flatmate is punishing the DD. This is absolutely not a mental health crisis or she wouldn't be speaking to the her in public and then ignoring her in private. It's a control thing, a power thing. An abuse thing.

And just to note, I didn't say go to the Uni, necessarily, I said threaten to go to the Uni. I bet the girl will stop her abusive behaviour pretty quickly, because she'll know that objective observers will see it as just that. Which is why she's not doing it in public, only in private.

Derail here but

’mither’ are you Irish OP. I haven’t heard that word since my parents were alive. It’s lovely to hear it again.

End of derail. Apologies

/

Seems not to have been an accusation, so much as a feeling that she shared with his male friends.
She said it made her uncomfortable. I might share that with other women, but I wouldn't share it with the man's friends. She said she wouldn't take it further, so they became Judge and Jury instead.

Or was she hoping they would shun him?

This does make sense but can I just point out to you that someone still being affected by trauma isn't just stewing over things which happened years ago. I don't need to point out that bullying is often a cause of Complex PTSD it's as serious as any other kind of child abuse.

Thank you very much for this advice x

Which it seems a lot of them did it seems.
Really very sad.

I didn't say DD is immature!

My last post was responding to @Hobbiestwriter

Although remember OP this has been ten days or so and your dd has been at home for part of that time time.

I'm not but my grandparents were 😊
Thats a nice derail x

I think the thing that is so disturbing for DD (and me!) is that L has 'switched' from shunning mode to silent treatment so quickly when in a group setting / at the flat when it's just the two of them. If she was silent to everyone it would point to a mental health crisis and that she has slipped into a depression again. Although I am also aware that people mask.

Also I have asked DD about L's friendships, does she have any from school (aside from the one mutual who is very dramatic!)
I wonder if L is just one of those who drops friends quickly but I don't know why then would she suggest moving in together with DD. They really did seem to have a solid friendship although not known each other that long in the grand scheme of things