DD being ghosted by flatmate but still living together. WIBU for her to move out? Should the flatmate move out?

[Fluffytowels24]

Wasn't sure whether to post here or on the SEN board. DD is autistic, adhd, dyspraxic and dyslexic.
She's had to drop of out uni for a year due to MH issues. This includes the trauma of being bullied very badly at school.
DD met her friend, L, 3 years ago when they were freshers. They 'clicked' immediately and bonded over both having anxiety, as well as loads of other things. L is from our home town and it turned out they had a mutual friend although they'd not met till uni.
This year DD and L decided to move into a 2 bed flat, after both of them had lived in party houses. L was the first person DD told about having to drop out for a year, and L was really supportive about this, helping her look for jobs etc. L had deferred for a year last year and this is now her final year.
Their flat was meant to be a kind of safe haven for DD, somewhere she could heal before going back to uni next year.
About 10 days ago L started being very off with DD, barely speaking to her. DD, L and a few others went out for Halloween and L started acting normally towards DD, so DD assumed that whatever had upset L had passed. But then when they were back in the flat, L started shunning her again. She's absolutely ignoring her: won't say good morning, if DD tries to make small talk L literally ignores her. DD has messaged to ask L what is upsetting her, please can she tell her, and that she's very sorry for whatever it is that has caused her to start ignoring her. But L just reads the messages and doesn't reply.
When a mutual friend came round, L behaved completely normally towards him, then promptly went back to ignoring DD after he had left. So I don't think that L has gone into a severe depression.
DD is obviously really hurt and confused by this. She has written notes to L which L has totally ignored, leaving them where DD has put them out (e.g. in the kitchen).
DD has wracked her brains and really can't think of anything she has done to upset L. They've not had an argument or anything. DD is a good flatmate, she cleans up after herself, doesn't leave a mess etc. She and L spent a lot of time making the flat nice and homely when they first moved in. But now DD doesn't want to live there as she's got to share with someone who's literally ghosting her, but living with her.
They haven't lived together before but they went backpacking last year and had a really nice time; they seemed to be compatible in terms of sharing space, drinking levels, going to bed at similar times etc.
I am not sure where we can go from here -
DD has come home for a long weekend as a friend from school lost her mother and she had to go to the funeral. She doesn't want to go back to the flat now. (When DD told L why she was coming home, she just said 'OK' and didn't say anything about the funeral)

The lease is till June. I think it would be very unreasonable to expect DD to live in this environment for the next 9 months, being shunned and not knowing why.

If anyone has been in a similar situation I would really welcome any suggestions. Many thanks x

No I dont, i think its immature but its very common. This happens loads in flat-shares and with young adult friendships. Ive stopped replying to people before that I didnt want to speak to or see any more for one reason or another, not a great thing to do but didnt want the confrontation at the time. If someone sent me repeated messages I would have run a mile, and if their Mum had got involved to be honest I would have made sure I never spoke to the person again and told everyone that they had got their mum involved in a uni friendship issue, which I would have seen as absolutely tragic.

The flatmage is clearly not acting very nicely. But she doesnt have to, they arent in a relationship, the friendship sounds over. She can do what she likes. I think the way OP and her daughter are dealing with it isnt quite right, it seems focused on confronting the flat mate and proving she is a bad person, or forcing the friendship. Its the wrong path to go down, and to be honest, like someone said upthread, I would have instinctively known that at 21 (neurotypical).

If a flatmate had done this to me, i would have ignored them back, got on with my life and moved our asap. You cant force people to talk to you, be friends or even be nice, and its a mistake to try to. The best thing ti do is sheug it off and live a good ife.

I absolutely worry about this generation when not being someone's best friend or immediate responder is now seen as 'abusive'. @Amybelle88 what exactly is abusive and damaging of your flatmate not being your friend?

That's good advice to contact the uni team.
... except that she isnt currently a student there

My sister has form for cutting people out at the slightest perceived slight and then blocks people. She has paranoid personality disorder and I don't believe that she does it to be nasty, but it's a form of self protection. It's very bewildering and feels cruel though to be on the receiving end. You mentioned how both had suffered with MH issues. Could it be that L is struggling with her own issues right now? If so, then might it be appropriate to approach her parents (via a short message) to see if you can find out what's going on? I think that the situation needs resolving sooner rather than later as both girls are clearly unhappy.
I would advise your daughter not to apologise further for any upset that she has caused as that's clearly not helping your DD and by assuming blame, she's enabling L's behaviour. It sounds like L wants to blame others or ignore issues rather than examine her own role in things. I would explain to your DD that, as this behaviour is unusual, L is clearly struggling with something. I would explain to her parents that you are concerned about L due to her recent change in behaviour and see if they can get to the bottom of it. Then you can consider options such as one of them moving out and the other finding a new replacement housemate etc. L clearly needs help managing her emotions and communicating feelings with others.

You only have to look at MN to see how often going NC is advocated, to see where this approach is coming from

It's the ignoring and blanking. Not the friendship side

It's clearly never happened to you but 'Being sent to Coventry' as it used to be called is very damaging

@thestudio You could also hint that you plan to take it to the Uni pastoral team, who take a dim view of bullying/coercive behaviour, and it could affect her academics.
Now THAT is bullying and coercive! And scary! 'Be my friend or I'll fuck up your degree'.....

She can't really live a good life realistically though, while being given the silent treatment for another 8 months? You'd have to be ridiculously resilient not to be adversely emotionally impacted by that.

The flatmate's cruelty is totally unnecessary, so actually I really hope this is a fuck around find out situation.

Or the Dd (who is 21) could actually deal with it herself?
Why would it be “really good” for her to have her Mum steam in and confront (and threaten) her flatmate?
She’s either mature enough to live independently or she isn’t, and should go home.

Well as I said, I think once people show that they don't give a fuck about the usual norms in how decent humans treat one another, the gloves can come off.

Yes, this^. It's wild the number of people on this thread defending this behaviour (likely because they are the type of people who do this kind of thing themselves.)

The silent treatment and stonewalling are regarded as emotional abuse for a reason - and that's in any relationship, including friendships. An inability to communicate like an adult and resorting to the silent treatment is extremely emotionally immature and indicative of an empathy deficit. Unfortunately, there are many people like this out there.

OP, I honestly think your DD needs to take control back in this situation while you work on a way of getting her moved out of this situation as soon as possible. She needs to confront L in a far more assertive way and directly call her out. L knows what she is doing isn't acceptable, which is why she is behaving differently in front of other people.
L is only able to treat your DD this way because she knows your DD is vulnerable and won't/can't assert herself - but she must, and it will be an important lesson for your DD. Right now, L will be feeling very much in control because she is calling all the shots and emotionally abusing your DD without consequence - whatever mental health issues L has do not excuse this behaviour towards someone who has done nothing to her.
Your DD must find her anger at being treated this way, instead of turning it inward and blaming herself for it. This is what you need to help her with and give her support with. She is likely to meet many more people like L throughout her life, so now is the time to start learning assertiveness.

Landlords usually require parents to act as guarantors of students.
If dd doesn’t pay, parents have to.
I doubt ignoring someone would be sufficient reason to default on the rent. Technically you can move out if you want but you will still be required to pay the rent , or the guarantor has to

If it’s not a joint tenancy then Ls rent is not dds issue. ( this would be very unusual though )

Could it be that L is struggling with her own issues right now? If so, then might it be appropriate to approach her parents (via a short message) to see if you can find out what's going on?
No, there would be nothing remotely appropriate about that 😳

I went to an all girls secondary school, so we were a bit younger than L and DD, but this behaviour was rife. One minute you've got a best friend and you're happy, and the next you sit next to them in class and they turn away and ignore you, and wouldn't tell you why. It happened to almost everyone, although I hated it so much I made sure I never did it to anyone else. I'm sure a lot of it was hormones, but by about 14 I realised I never felt secure in friendships, and the rug could be pulled from me at any moment. To be friends at 4pm one day and get the silent treatment at registration the next day and never know what the fuck you've done is really horrible.

My younger brother had a much easier time with male friendships - when they had a problem with each other, they gave each other a shove and that was the end of it, friends again or not.

If you've never experienced it (or you've always been the instigator), you won't understand. I'll say it again, NO ONE is saying L has to be friends with DD. But she doesn't have to go about it this way. She can be perfectly civil without being friends.

Now THAT is bullying and coercive! And scary! 'Be my friend or I'll fuck up your degree'.....

Also @DoreenonTill8 - you know she wouldn't be saying 'be my friend'. She'd saying 'don't be an abusive bully'.

You don’t sound much of a friend or a person come to that.

What you’ve suggested in not within most people’s social norms, actually.

The silent treatment is a well known form of abuse. Go and do some research on it. Enlighten yourself. It's a very subtle yet effective and destructive form of emotional abuse. If a person deliberately withdraws from someone, especially when they live in the same house and without any reason why, and actively wants them to know they are getting the silent treatment, it's a form of manipulation or punishment. I'm not just pulling this out of my arse, it's a very well recognised and studied behaviour by psychologists and psychiatrists alike.

Switching between being absolutely fine with someone when others are around and then ignoring them again is weird, controlling and sinister, causing distress to the person as one minute they feel they can relax and things are ok, then the next the rug is pulled out from under them and it's not ok, it was an act, only the person on the receiving end wasn't in on it.

If you live with someone in this type of situation, you have to do so with the understanding that if you no longer want to be friends, you still operate with common human decency and not treat the other person like shit. You can be civil and not be friends.

As for your boring comment about worrying about my generation, honestly, don't, we are more astute and aware than a very small minority of yours ever was. I very much imagine there are women in here of your generation who view your comments in the same way that I do, so probably not best to speak on behalf of your generation, either.

@Peaceandquietandacuppa @thestudio
My guess is that the OP and L’s parents are guarantors so they’ll end up being liable for the rent. OP, if your DD doesn’t want to live there anymore, please read the lease carefully and perhaps take advice before making any decisions.

Sorry, I see that @StandingSideBySide has already said this!

Personally, I that your DD and L need to talk about the situation face to face, although it sounds as if your DD will find this hard to insist on.

OP it sounds as though you probably get this but for the benefit of those who don't.

Her daughter is autistic. Autistic people's emotional maturity can (generally) be expected to be at around three quarters of their chronological age until around age 25-30 regardless of their intelligence, overall mental capacity, etc. The area of our brains responsible for this functionality literally develops more slowly than neurotypical people's.

So OPs daughter is 21 but her emotional maturity and capacity to deal with an 'adult' situation like this is impaired. She can roughly be expected to be able deal with this sort of thing on an emotional level with the capacity of a 16 year old. Hence, likely, the note leaving, messaging etc, her inability to understand or just 'get over it' or ignore the behaviour.

She absolutely needs her Mum.

Ex-friend is being unkind, and absolutely she has no obligations towards the OPs daughter. If the friendship is over then it is. But it's perfectly understandable that the OPs daughter is struggling to respond to this in the same way that a neurotypical 21 year old young person would.

OP - do whatever you need to do to help your daughter out. Good luck.

Like this young man.
Ministers to review 'cancel culture' trend sweeping campuses after Oxford student, 20, took his own life when ostracised by peers | Daily Mail Online

A 2 person property can be very suffocating @NG4T

Yes, that's my point.

Absolutely.
However
His entire college ( year ) was blanking him over a sexually based accusation by another

Was it? Suggesting something completely outrageous in response to something far less so?
I don’t get your point, sorry.