DD being ghosted by flatmate but still living together. WIBU for her to move out? Should the flatmate move out?

[Fluffytowels24]

Wasn't sure whether to post here or on the SEN board. DD is autistic, adhd, dyspraxic and dyslexic.
She's had to drop of out uni for a year due to MH issues. This includes the trauma of being bullied very badly at school.
DD met her friend, L, 3 years ago when they were freshers. They 'clicked' immediately and bonded over both having anxiety, as well as loads of other things. L is from our home town and it turned out they had a mutual friend although they'd not met till uni.
This year DD and L decided to move into a 2 bed flat, after both of them had lived in party houses. L was the first person DD told about having to drop out for a year, and L was really supportive about this, helping her look for jobs etc. L had deferred for a year last year and this is now her final year.
Their flat was meant to be a kind of safe haven for DD, somewhere she could heal before going back to uni next year.
About 10 days ago L started being very off with DD, barely speaking to her. DD, L and a few others went out for Halloween and L started acting normally towards DD, so DD assumed that whatever had upset L had passed. But then when they were back in the flat, L started shunning her again. She's absolutely ignoring her: won't say good morning, if DD tries to make small talk L literally ignores her. DD has messaged to ask L what is upsetting her, please can she tell her, and that she's very sorry for whatever it is that has caused her to start ignoring her. But L just reads the messages and doesn't reply.
When a mutual friend came round, L behaved completely normally towards him, then promptly went back to ignoring DD after he had left. So I don't think that L has gone into a severe depression.
DD is obviously really hurt and confused by this. She has written notes to L which L has totally ignored, leaving them where DD has put them out (e.g. in the kitchen).
DD has wracked her brains and really can't think of anything she has done to upset L. They've not had an argument or anything. DD is a good flatmate, she cleans up after herself, doesn't leave a mess etc. She and L spent a lot of time making the flat nice and homely when they first moved in. But now DD doesn't want to live there as she's got to share with someone who's literally ghosting her, but living with her.
They haven't lived together before but they went backpacking last year and had a really nice time; they seemed to be compatible in terms of sharing space, drinking levels, going to bed at similar times etc.
I am not sure where we can go from here -
DD has come home for a long weekend as a friend from school lost her mother and she had to go to the funeral. She doesn't want to go back to the flat now. (When DD told L why she was coming home, she just said 'OK' and didn't say anything about the funeral)

The lease is till June. I think it would be very unreasonable to expect DD to live in this environment for the next 9 months, being shunned and not knowing why.

If anyone has been in a similar situation I would really welcome any suggestions. Many thanks x

I wonder if L has met someone and wants your DD to move out so she can move her new partner into the flat. Could this be a possibility?

Honestly we have talked loads and DD really can't think of anything that happened even something small. It really does seem like a switch has flipped and DD has been tying herself up in knots trying to work out what happened but she really can't think of anything. At first she thought that L was upset about something but when she went totally quite silent for more than a day that was when DD started worrying

But the point is that she has successfully managed at least 3 years (OP said the girls met 3 years ago as freshers) of university, after secondary school. So why has iit suddenly become such an issue. OP said it had been triggered by L shunning her, but that cant be right because that only started 10 days ago. It doesnt add up!

Very very weird.
I hope things improve as it hasn’t been that long really.
Maybe L will just snap out of it and they can both move on. They’ve been good friends for a good while

Because trauma can be triggered in seconds. If she carries trauma from being bullied and being shunned is part of that trauma, then it's a bit of a no brainer that this would trigger her.

My trauma is literally triggered by crazy things like smells, certain times of year and how the light during the day changes as the seasons change. It's bizarre and you don't have much control over it.

So, if it started ten days ago and she's now home with it ruminating, I'd say that's actually a very fair timescale from the trigger happening and how she is going over it even more now.

Once my trauma is triggered it's so hard to bring myself back, and that's when I'm not constantly exposed to said trigger or situation. This girl is living in it, and her friend knew this, too.

So, even if she doesn't want to be her friend, which is totally fine, she could maybe not be cruel as there was a time that they were once close enough to even go backpacking together.

My ex best friend and I drifted, we became different people and we haven't spoke for years but I would never treat her with such disdain because there's a time in our lives when she was extremely important to me, and I would never go out of my way to behave in a way that I know would cause her upset.

I hope she does snap out of it as it's really horrible for DD.
That's what is so weird, it isn't an acquaintance in a large house-share where 1 person stops talking to another but there's another 6 people there.
It's literally just the 2 of them so the shunning / silent treatment is really noticeable.

... That being said, even if L does snap out of it, I think the damage has been done really and I can't see their friendship withstanding this.

Thank you @Amybelle88 for explaining the trauma. It is hugely upsetting for DD, more than it would be for someone else although I don't think most 21 year olds are so resilient that they'd be able to cope with being shunned in a 2-person flat.

I wonder if it was a third party maybe shit stirring and creating rumours. I suspect that is what happened in my case when my friend ghosted me.

I did suggest this but L is definitely single according to DD.

My only other thought is that L has had to drop out/ defer for another year and move back home but doesn't know how to explain this to DD. So she is deliberately sabotaging the flat-share.

I think its a bit more nuanced than that. Lots of people live independently but with some / a little / a lot of support.

I would love DD to leave but she's tied in to live here till July! So can't rent elsewhere as can't afford it.

OK, so assuming they are jointly named on the rental agreement?

Then, honestly, I would say it's time you daughter makes formal notice, posted signed for in writing, to flatmate of her intention to move out. Unless of course they could have a conversation about it, but that sounds unlikely?

Daughter needs to state that the current situation is no longer working for her and that she will be moving out unless L wants to move instead, and that she will be advertising the room to find someone to take over the remaining lease.

And then do just that.
And if flatmate doesn't respond, then go ahead and do it anyway.

Life doesn't stop for, or revolve around, the flatmate. If she won't get involved, it will happen to her, rather than with her input.

Advertise the room share, find someone to takeover the remaining lease and pay the deposit, so your daughter can get hers back, and move on.

When I was a student I had to do this and know many people who did.

It's a total wrench to move again when you think you've got that all sorted, but it's absolutely do-able for your DD to move out.

It is worth checking if the rental agreement has a 6 month break clause or some such thing, as then DD could force that they both move out and the property be re-let with minimal fuss.

There may be will be some admin fees to swap names etc. on the rental agreement if someone takes it over, but that's a small price for your daughters mental health and wellbeing.

I don't think there's any point in worrying over what might have happened, why L is behaving so badly, what could have caused it etc. etc. It's time to be practical and help your daughter to put her wellbeing first. It's an important lesson in self respect and standing up for your own needs and having faith in your own reality and experience of a situation, which although painful can be a very powerful lesson.

This is what I was thinking too.

They don't need to be friends but if you are living with someone then basic politeness is appropriate.

Yes, I'm one of them. Multiple diagnoses including severe MH ones and possibly undiagnosed autism. I managed university too. It can definitely be done and at 21 no one wants to live at home with their parents!

I wish your daughter every success, she has done brilliantly in creating a life for heraelf . I bet you're well proud of her as any parent would be.

Thank you, @ACapybaraNamedFred xx

Spoke to DD just now and apparently L had invited one off DD's friends out with her (obviously didn't invite DD). Friend couldn't go as she was seeing DD that day. So it seems like there is some Wendying going on. I don't know if L is jealous DD has friends.

Tha no you, this is really helpful x

You're very welcome. Hoping it all gets sorted soon.

It’s been 10 days!

So doesn’t L have any friends

@StandingSideBySide I don't think that she has many friends in the city they're in currently.
Because her cohort graduated this summer.

I would go back with dd and speak to L. I'd just ask what was going on, say obviously the flat is costing you a fortune and you can't keep paying for dd to live somewhere she isn't comfortable...see what she says.

OP , I was in a toxic 2 female flat share situation at university. It was soul destroying.

I would encourage you/ her to resolve this by whatever means. Insist that a conversation is had , ask what L would like to happen? Can you been present for the conversation?? Silence is not an option here as things wwill
fester.

In my situation the L couldn’t afford the rent and wanted to move out / sublet and I would have been faced with a random stranger in a 1 bed flat . I slept in the living room with the kitchen through my room. I spoke to the landlord who allowed us to end the tenancy as long as we allowed viewings / left the flat in a great condition etc.

Please help SD even if you have to pay to end the flat share . After the flat share ends, DD should end the friendship.

From your updates it seems as though L may be jealous that your dd still has friends around and L doesn’t resulting in L trying to steal your dd’s friends. This would definitely account for why she is friendly to your dd when your dd has friends over.

In this case, could your dd’s friends stage an intervention? I am talking about doing this sensitively so that L doesn’t feel bullied. Sometimes people don’t see a way back from things but when others get involved they can see how ridiculous their behaviour is. Perhaps your dd’s friend, who L tried to go out with could talk to L.

I know L is acting really badly. However it would be better to explore all avenues before going to the expense and upset of upending your dd’s life. If this isn’t possible and nothing comes of it, I would definitely do whatever I could to get your dd out of this situation.

Sorry if I've missed it but has your dd actually asked her face to face why she isn't talking to her? That would be harder to ignore than texts and notes.

Although I do agree that she should be less concerned with "what's wrong" and more pissed off that her friend had no manners or communication skills.