DD being ghosted by flatmate but still living together. WIBU for her to move out? Should the flatmate move out?

[Fluffytowels24]

Wasn't sure whether to post here or on the SEN board. DD is autistic, adhd, dyspraxic and dyslexic.
She's had to drop of out uni for a year due to MH issues. This includes the trauma of being bullied very badly at school.
DD met her friend, L, 3 years ago when they were freshers. They 'clicked' immediately and bonded over both having anxiety, as well as loads of other things. L is from our home town and it turned out they had a mutual friend although they'd not met till uni.
This year DD and L decided to move into a 2 bed flat, after both of them had lived in party houses. L was the first person DD told about having to drop out for a year, and L was really supportive about this, helping her look for jobs etc. L had deferred for a year last year and this is now her final year.
Their flat was meant to be a kind of safe haven for DD, somewhere she could heal before going back to uni next year.
About 10 days ago L started being very off with DD, barely speaking to her. DD, L and a few others went out for Halloween and L started acting normally towards DD, so DD assumed that whatever had upset L had passed. But then when they were back in the flat, L started shunning her again. She's absolutely ignoring her: won't say good morning, if DD tries to make small talk L literally ignores her. DD has messaged to ask L what is upsetting her, please can she tell her, and that she's very sorry for whatever it is that has caused her to start ignoring her. But L just reads the messages and doesn't reply.
When a mutual friend came round, L behaved completely normally towards him, then promptly went back to ignoring DD after he had left. So I don't think that L has gone into a severe depression.
DD is obviously really hurt and confused by this. She has written notes to L which L has totally ignored, leaving them where DD has put them out (e.g. in the kitchen).
DD has wracked her brains and really can't think of anything she has done to upset L. They've not had an argument or anything. DD is a good flatmate, she cleans up after herself, doesn't leave a mess etc. She and L spent a lot of time making the flat nice and homely when they first moved in. But now DD doesn't want to live there as she's got to share with someone who's literally ghosting her, but living with her.
They haven't lived together before but they went backpacking last year and had a really nice time; they seemed to be compatible in terms of sharing space, drinking levels, going to bed at similar times etc.
I am not sure where we can go from here -
DD has come home for a long weekend as a friend from school lost her mother and she had to go to the funeral. She doesn't want to go back to the flat now. (When DD told L why she was coming home, she just said 'OK' and didn't say anything about the funeral)

The lease is till June. I think it would be very unreasonable to expect DD to live in this environment for the next 9 months, being shunned and not knowing why.

If anyone has been in a similar situation I would really welcome any suggestions. Many thanks x

Please do not speak to L directly. This WOULD be bullying and will escalate the situation.

Well same as the dd. Thinks she's all grown up, but it's mummy who's going to be contacting the flat mate?

I agree with the posters who pointed out that L likely sounds jealous. It sounds like they've been close for years and now as L's other friends have mostly moved on and they've rented a property for just the two of them, she probably assumed they would be hanging out together loads. But your DD sounds like she's got loads of interests, activities and other friends taking up her time (which is great).
Speculating, but it could it be the final year and the thought of launching (huge changes) might be ramping L's anxiety up. She may be resentful that your DD was anxious enough in the recent past to take a year out, but now seems to be getting on with loads and doing great socially, perhaps she wanted your DD to rely on her a bit more, if anything.

But I thought it matters what I want and I don't have to be/do what someone else says?? 🤔

FYI, I still think she's a weird little bully.

Could it be that L's personal circumstances have changed and that she is finding it very restrictive having a flatmate who is at home for much of the day?

I'm wondering whether she has met someone and would like him/her to stay overnight or at weekends, but can't.

As someone who is graduating next year, she may be feeling very 'grown-up' and ready for everything which life as an adult brings; this might mean relationships too.

Although the two young women have known each other for 3 years, it sounds as though they have matured at different rates. Although they are fairly close in age, I wonder whether L feels held back by someone who sounds quite young for her age as a flatmate.

It could be that she has asked to have the place to herself now and then; if there is someone on the scene who would like to stay, it's possible that your daughter wouldn't put two and two together and grasp what was being suggested.

This isn't a way of justifying what is happening, which sounds really awful for your daughter, it's more a way of considering what the root of the cooling of their friendship might be.

I'm wondering whether the University's accommodation service could find a replacement tenant for the flat, leaving your daughter free to do as she wishes.

@DoreenonTill8 are you on the plonk?

'Mummy' has never said she's going to contact the flatmate...

No. You treat others the way you would like to be treated

And if you have a problem with someone you live with, you don't ignore them, You tell them what the problem is and it's either fixable or you agree to keep your distances

PS.

OP please don’t go trying to talk to L to ‘sort’ things out.

Your daughter has backpacked around and been at Uni for three years! It’s her issue to sort out. You can be there for her and offer advice if she wants it but you really shouldn’t be stepping in and dealing with it yourself.

'A weird little bully' for not doing/behaving as someone else wants.... yep..

You really think that L is behaving in an acceptable manner?

Just read @Amybelle88 s post aparently you didn’t say you would OP…….got caught up with other threads there.
Thanks Amybelle

I wonder what the flatmates version of all this is?

I had a similar thing happen to me and a flat mate. Best friends then all of a sudden I heard her talking about me in the lounge which was next to my bedroom. Confronted her and thought we made up. Then she went back to being the same. So I decided to treat the place just as a place to stay until the tenancy came up and make new friends (we had the same mutual friends). All of a sudden when I made new friends she decided she missed me and could she join me at this social event. After I said yes and spend more time with her than new friends she went back to being the same. I mention this as it reminds me of what you said about Halloween.

I don’t think I was in the same mental headspace as your daughter however I would recommend she tries to extend her social circle and keep any new friendships separate.

Maybe she has done anything and the friendship has run its course. Perhaps she should just treat L as a house mate but not a friend as it doesn’t sound like she is one and it’s never a good idea to panda to a bully or show they have got to you.

I hope she can make it til June or find someone to take her room as even if they have a conversation it might not lead to friendship being what it once was.

Loving all the desperate stretching to blame the OPs dd for L's shitty behaviour (the acting normally when they're in public then going back to blanking her in private is particularly cuntish ).

This happened to me at uni, I was sharing a house with 4 girls and me and one other were pretty much best mates, however almost as soon as we moved in, she reduced her contact with me until she just completely failed to acknowledge me. I did try asking her a few times what the reason was, but she never told me, just acted really uncomfortable that I'd asked. I think she stopped speaking to me because she split from her boyfriend and he was a friend of mine too, so in her mind she decided to cease contact with me too. Peculiarly, my dd was in a house share with 4 others and a girl there started to completely blank her too and she never got to find out why either. In neither case, would I say, was the relationship suffocating to the other person. Perhaps in their mind, they were choosing to move on. At the time, it was extremely painful and difficult but I became friends with the other people in the house so whilst it did not completely cancel out the situation, it certainly made it alot less bad. I suspect in my DD's case I think the girl was frustrated by the filth in the student house and I think she was pissed off about it. She organised all the bills and I think she thought she did everything and resented all the others.

It would be handy to hear L's side of the story

I'm not a big fan of parents getting involved in their adult children's friendship struggles but to be fair, the OP has never once said that her D was asking her to intervene. I don't think D went running to her mummy for her to sort out. She's 21, not 10!

when you live with someone their little faults are magnified 10 x and in such a small household more like 100 x. I think it may be that L finds the Op's DD irritating. By the Op's admission her DD is immature, has MH issues, and is l stewing over things which happened years ago.. I can see how being around that so much might become very irritating

@StandingSideBySide ah you're welcome! Thank you for saying thank you - that was really nice! ☺️

So?

You would just blank them? (except when others are around)

That's good advice to contact the uni team.

I am generally of the view that, once people repeatedly opt out of the norms of basic human decency, the gloves are off, so...

If it's the kind of tenancy where they are liable for each other's rent, you or she could inform L that sending someone to Coventry is considered to be coercive behaviour, and that DD will move out if it doesn't stop immediately. You will not pay the rest of the tenancy and she is welcome to sue you for it if she has the considerable funds required. That it's fine if she doesn't want to be friends any more, but she must grow up and behave like a decent human being, not a playground bully; there must be civil communication and no bad atmosphere.

You could also hint that you plan to take it to the Uni pastoral team, who take a dim view of bullying/coercive behaviour, and it could affect her academics.

I think it's really good to show DD that she doesn't have to take this shit.

@Nanny0gg the being normal when others are around and then switching back is sinister!

Well it isnt the mature response, but perhaps the least draining?,

Agree
Sharing in larger households is so much easier.
Just two can be very suffocating