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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to go and see my very elderly dad after a fall?

153 replies

BarbaraVineFan · 09/11/2024 15:12

My 86 year old dad has just rung me to say he fell over in the street today and has cut his hand and injured his wrist- possibly broken, he is at hospital now. I really want to go to him but

-I don't drive and we are almost 3 hours away by public transport
-the trains are messed up today and so we would need to change 3 times
-I have 5 year old DD who has a nasty cold and is very tired as she hasn't been sleeping well. I am a single mum and have nobody to leave her with overnight.
-I would have to go tonight and come back tomorrow, as I have to be at work on Monday

Is it very bad not to go and see him? He is adamant that he doesn't want us to come and is fine. But I feel guilty. What would you do?

OP posts:
Original poster
BarbaraVineFan · 09/11/2024 15:29

Plus my DD just became inconsolable for ages at the thought of going. I think she doesn't feel well

OP posts:
PunishmentRoundupWithJoon · 09/11/2024 15:35

Don't go. Your dad has said he doesn't want you to, so that should help a bit. Let him know that you would like to, as you are obviously concerned, but explain that your DD is ill and it would't be right to drag her about in her conditions.

He's being looked after so he should be fine. Did he explain how/why he fell? Was anyone else involved or was it just due to old age unsteadiness?

Original poster
BarbaraVineFan · 09/11/2024 15:36

He said he just tripped :(

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 09/11/2024 15:37

Your DD giving him a cold won’t help. Does he have anyone to look after him?

Original poster
BarbaraVineFan · 09/11/2024 15:38

No, he is on his own, that's the thing.

If I didn't have DD I would be there like a shot. But it's a very complicated journey with an unwell abd tired 5 year old

OP posts:
CrazyCatLady008 · 09/11/2024 15:38

Does he have someone to help him at home?

CrazyCatLady008 · 09/11/2024 15:39

I'd probably arrange to go see him next weekend if that's the case then.

Original poster
BarbaraVineFan · 09/11/2024 15:39

No :(

OP posts:
Original poster
BarbaraVineFan · 09/11/2024 15:40

CrazyCatLady008 · 09/11/2024 15:39

I'd probably arrange to go see him next weekend if that's the case then.

That's what I was thinking. But then I thought, am I being a bad daughter not going now

OP posts:
CrazyCatLady008 · 09/11/2024 15:40

BarbaraVineFan · 09/11/2024 15:39

No :(

Go next Friday to the Sunday. Don't feel bad, your dad sounds lovely and I'm sure he'll understand.

Grmumpy · 09/11/2024 15:41

Well you know you can’t really go so just be sure to keep in contact by phone. He knows you care. That is what really matters.

Moonshine5 · 09/11/2024 15:41

I would move heaven and earth to go. It's not a judgement - everyone has different situations / relationships etc. Can anyone mind your daughter.
Hope your dad and daughter feel better soon.

crumblingschools · 09/11/2024 15:42

Is there a neighbour who can help him? Is he going home?

AdaStewart · 09/11/2024 15:43

I’d go, the child will probably sleep on the train. Or if you really can’t do it, just make sure you stay in touch with him.

crumblingschools · 09/11/2024 15:44

Are you an only child?

Runskiyoga · 09/11/2024 15:44

Keep in phone contact. If there are tasks he can't do, help him find out about using some temporary help in his home (check out his council website). You and he need to have ongoing realistic conversations about what you can and can't do, he gets it, you feel guilty, you are both doing the best you can.

Original poster
BarbaraVineFan · 09/11/2024 15:44

That's the thing, she can't sleep on the train as we have to change multiple times. It's a really difficult journey :(

OP posts:
Original poster
BarbaraVineFan · 09/11/2024 15:45

crumblingschools · 09/11/2024 15:44

Are you an only child?

Yes

OP posts:
ThianWinter · 09/11/2024 15:45

I would go. But first I’d see if anyone could look after my child so they could stay home.

Runskiyoga · 09/11/2024 15:45

Also make sure he tells his GP, and gets a blood pressure check maybe

Original poster
BarbaraVineFan · 09/11/2024 15:46

I don't have anyone who could look after her overnight

OP posts:
Original poster
BarbaraVineFan · 09/11/2024 15:46

And wouldn't be able to go and come back tonight

OP posts:
Propcorn · 09/11/2024 15:46

This sounds tough. You seem responsible now for two vulnerable and unwell people at different ends of the age spectrum. You have to make a call, and I think the right one is to look after your little girl who is not well at the moment. It is hard for you but in your position, I would wait to visit my dad next weekend.

and it may be time to have a chat about where he lives for the remainder of his life and whether it should be near you.

Questionary · 09/11/2024 15:47

Wait and see what happens. They might keep him in or arrange some care at home.
He sounds totally understanding and your DD doesn’t sound well.
keep in touch with him and if he’s struggling tomorrow you could ask for emergency annual leave on Monday and go tomorrow for a night.

You sound very caring but you have a lot on your plate clearly. He will get that. He’s your dad and won’t want you to be stressed

CrazyCatLady008 · 09/11/2024 15:48

@BarbaraVineFan honestly? Ring the hospital and have a chat with the dr/nurse. Long as he's okay, he'll manage till Friday it's only 6 days away. It's not like it's a broken leg.
Don't listen to those telling you go right now, your dad has already said he's okay. Tell him you'll do the housework when you see him and not to worry this week if he's broken his wrist.
Go next weekend and then you get to spend the whole weekend with him and maybe work out some things (like a aid?) to stop him falling in the future.