Not to go and see my very elderly dad after a fall?

[BarbaraVineFan]

My 86 year old dad has just rung me to say he fell over in the street today and has cut his hand and injured his wrist- possibly broken, he is at hospital now. I really want to go to him but

-I don't drive and we are almost 3 hours away by public transport
-the trains are messed up today and so we would need to change 3 times
-I have 5 year old DD who has a nasty cold and is very tired as she hasn't been sleeping well. I am a single mum and have nobody to leave her with overnight.
-I would have to go tonight and come back tomorrow, as I have to be at work on Monday

Is it very bad not to go and see him? He is adamant that he doesn't want us to come and is fine. But I feel guilty. What would you do?

POA only comes into it from the point of view that they're refusing to give info to the daughter over the phone.

The last thing he needs is your daughter's cold. Stay with her this weekend. Go and see him next weekend.

Ask the ward staff to make sure he has his phone and that it's switched on. They're hardly breaking confidentiality by doing that. They might break it by telling you they've done it, but they won't need to because you'll be able to call him yourself.

If you have a 5 year old I wouldn't be going.

Try to keep in contact by phone (if you can).

If it's not broken it won't be too bad and you can order a food delivery and or freezer meals for him if necessary. You can do most stuff one handed if necessary.

@BarbaraVineFan they may decide to keep him in, honestly, I would stay in touch but it wouldn’t be fair to him, your DD or others to take her. Wait and see what happens.

Power of Attorney for health can only be actioned once the person lacks capacity and also the hospital will want proof if POA if used for decision making.
Most hospitals will communicate with next of kin ( especially if they need to speak to you if there is a medical emergency) so do check who is his NOK is on record.
if he has not had contact with health services for a while- it could be a late wife for example in the system . It is not uncommon if someone is admitted by ambulance that the checks for NOK can be lost and not everyone can remember / access long mobile phone numbers when under stress.
My dad ( also 83) had put his phone on silent when he was admitted (as not to disturb the other patients in the room) and then wondered why no one had rung. Also lack of mobile phone chargers in hospital can be an issue.

Keep in contact by phone if you can. See how he goes tonight, he could be kept in overnight depending on how badly it was broken, bearing in mind his age and lives alone.

Also see how your daughter is as well.

You might be more help to him in a few days once he is back home.

Stay put where you are, go to work Monday and explain what has happened and that you need to go up to his for a couple of days to settle him in, and you can speak to your daughter's school and explain she might be absent for a couple of days.

She said in the OP there is no-one to leave her daughter with!

The child is ill and an elderly man who has just had a fall does not need to catch a cold from her which could make him quite poorly

@BarbaraVineFan make arrangements to go and see him when your DD is better.

Also, does he need help at home? Does he look after himself? How is he with cooking?
Maybe look at what can be done for him to make his life easier

Also I wouldn't use up favours from schoolfriend's parents at this stage. Awful to say but the reality is that you will probably need them more urgently further down the line.

YABU for beating yourself up. You realistically cant go.
Tell him you would love to but in the circumstances you cant. Speak to him on the phone every day if he'd like to and make peace with yourself.

Update - he has broken his wrist in two places. He has been sent home from hospital with a cast on.

In good news, I was right not to go - he said that he thought it would have been a bit stressful having us there! (I think he means DD, who can obviously be exhausting as she is a typical 5 year old). He has plenty of food and is going to tell me what he needs in the next few days and I'll order it for him to be delivered.

Thanks everyone for your help and support :)

Edit, oh xpost.

If it were me a fall caused by a stroke or heart issue or resulted in a broken bone I would go. This one probably not in the circs. Once elderly people start falling they don’t stop so this will likely be the first of several/many etc.

I would talk to him about moving near you or into a care home at this point.

Does he have a alarm button/pendant at home?

My dad having a fall and a subsequent operation was the thing that pushed me into getting my driving licence in my 30s as I had a similarly awkward trip home. Driving did make it easier on both sides.

Maybe this is the time to initiate a talk about the future and any care that you can or can't provide. Maybe moving nearer to you. You are too far away to just pop in and help and you also have other demands on your time.

Sadly I have an eye condition which prevents me from driving, otherwise I totally would. It’s such a pain.

Agree. However there’s nothing stopping her dad from having them note on his records that his daughter is to be kept in the loop. I don’t have PoA for my partner but he’s done this and his GP and consultant are quite happy to chat with me and keep me informed as to what’s happening with his care.

Has he been referred to fall clinic?

In future are there any school friend mums who can help out in an emergency? I would have helped in this scenario if you needed to go up and see your dad

I would.
Take essential items he may need also.some treats.
You can make it a short visit then return on Friday for 2 nights.

Yy to see if you can get a couple of days off work to visit if he has a broken wrist. Getting dressed, doing buttons, washing yourself can all be a challenge with one arm.
You may be able to contact a care agency in the area to see if he could have carers even if just for 45 mins a day to get him washed and dressed. Helping Hands have branches across the country.
You could buy/order him some tracksuit trousers from Sainsburys or Tescos - much easier for toileting with one hand - and a button up cardie too if he usually uses jumpers or overhead sweatshirts. My (adult) son is currently in a sling and it's amazing how tricky dressing is . .

Best of luck. Hopefully he's not too bad, but will need a hand. Use this as a dry run too. Even if they only visit once or twice it will be reassuring for you if the care agency visit and assess him now, as you would be able to call on them in future if needed.

Whilst her father has capacity poa won't help but good to have it anyway.
But ridiculous situation. All the person had to do was go and speak with her dad to see if he would consent to her having information. Hospitals aren't usually as strict as this. My dad is 92 and in hospital recently and I had no problem phoning. There are common sense ways around this.

Ring again, or in the morning, presuming he will be admitted.
Tell the ward sister you're his next of kin and would like to know how he is and any advice about visiting and/or discharging him.
If he is on his own at home they may be reluctant to discharge him until they are satisfied he will be able to cope with a plaster cast or slimg.

He's been sent home with a cast.

You need to get PoA while someone still has capacity. But it could be used in this kind of situation in fact.

Sorry, just saw your update that he has been discharged, good news.