Not to go and see my very elderly dad after a fall?

[BarbaraVineFan]

My 86 year old dad has just rung me to say he fell over in the street today and has cut his hand and injured his wrist- possibly broken, he is at hospital now. I really want to go to him but

-I don't drive and we are almost 3 hours away by public transport
-the trains are messed up today and so we would need to change 3 times
-I have 5 year old DD who has a nasty cold and is very tired as she hasn't been sleeping well. I am a single mum and have nobody to leave her with overnight.
-I would have to go tonight and come back tomorrow, as I have to be at work on Monday

Is it very bad not to go and see him? He is adamant that he doesn't want us to come and is fine. But I feel guilty. What would you do?

I can't beleive they have sent him home with a broken wrist in 2 places at 86 years old.

You can’t just ring a care agency and arrange care unless you have the funds to pay for it, and private care costs a bomb. A better option would be to arrange for the local authority to do an assessment of his needs. That way any home care costs would be based on his ability to pay and the local authority would make a contribution.

@Mirabai no, welfare poa only legally comes in when capacity lost though (just set up my own and have them both for my father but can't use welfare yet)
We used to have relatives phoning up saying they had poa but it was either just financial or was welfare and the patient had capacity. However what I would do is phone the patient and ask if they were ok with my talking to their relative.

At 86, these kinds of situations are likely to become more common. I think it would be a good idea if you learnt to drive.

I'd think taking your daughter (which you have to do) and possibly passing on her sickness to him would not be helpful for him at the moment, and would be hard on your daughter as well making the journey. Id let him know that you will be there to visit as soon as she's feeling better, and just call lots to check on him.

Did they check he was able to look after himself or was he being stoic (or stubborn) saying he could?

If you can't go, you can't go. Your first responsibility is to your 5 year old, then yourself. Because if you wipe yourself out looking after others, your 5 year old has no one.

He's not dying; he's injured himself, and presumably being looked after. Make plans to see him next weekend if that works for everyone.

They sent my 93 year old mum home with a fractured hip. Couldn’t operate because of her age and she wasn’t fully mobile. I visited her in hospital one day, as I did every afternoon, to find a social worker interviewing her with a view to going into a care home, despite the fact that she has advanced vascular dementia, has lost capacity and has an advance directive that she doesn’t want to go into care unless it’s a last resort.

Mum lives with myself and my partner and we weren’t consulted despite the fact that I have her LPA. I raised the roof. On discharge the hospital said they had arranged home care at their expense, which would be free for the first four weeks - confirmed by the care agency involved. Despite which, at the end of the four weeks we received a bill for over £800, based on her income. Did my best to contest it but the care fees had been passed on from the hospital to the LA without our knowledge and I was threatened with court action if we didn’t pay. The treatment of our old and vulnerable is nothing short of disgraceful.

They asked him if he had any family or friends locally. He said no family but friends. So they sent him home alone with a broken wrist on his dominant hand at 86 years old :/

The thing is, he does have friends. But friends who come over for a cup of tea, not friends who could help him get dressed ffs

We got that bill too @Rosscameasdoody . Some 'free' care that was!

OP has already said she can’t drive because of an eye condition.

Apologies, i missed that

A positive update @BarbaraVineFan.

I know how you feel about this as my Dad is the same age and I live abroad. I agree with @Cornettoninja about the need to access any local support systems now, as ppl of their age are prove to falls.

My Dad has had a care needs assessment and it was v. useful. He’s got a pendant alarm and pull cords in every room. He also has grab rails and various aids for showering.
The Elder Care team was able to help us get hold of these-some we paid for, other are on longterm loan. The main thing is that they put us in touch with the right ppl, which is crucial especially as you don’t live locally.

I have as much support as possible set up just in case. He gets meal deliveries (both fresh and frozen) from an excellent organization - he can cook, but this saves him doing it if he’s not feeling 100%; he’s got a cleaner/light housekeeper, etc.

I feel much better knowing that everything’s in place for him, because we can’t get there quickly.

Also, I mean this gently OP, please consider putting in place some childcare arrangements for future emergencies as you are a single parent with no support.

often, just getting it in place will relieve some of the stress and worry you are feeling. Then, when a future emergency happens, you wont need to make emotionally charged decisions at short notice

Also, I’d try to take next Friday off work and see him abit longer if you can. I don’t generally agree with taking children out of school, but in this situation, I think that your DD could be ill for a day.

It seems like he might need to move I think - he may not need you now, but if you can’t drive, he might need you in the next few years and it may be the reason he says don’t worry about going is because he knows how hard it is for you to get there.

You can call his GP and adult social services on Monday and ask them to do a follow up visit and hopefully arrange short term care for him, the hospital should gave checked and he should have given them your number.m

At the moment he is saying that he thinks it would be stressful and tiring having DD there. What I might try to do is get some overnight childcare in place for next weekend so that I can go and see him by myself.

Ah your poor Dad, I hope he’s not too sore.

Would you be willing to share his rough location just in case there’s a MNer nearby who could pop in to help him make something to eat? I would absolutely help if he’s anywhere near me.

I ended up getting a private carer for mum. She’s self employed and charges the same as the LA, but the care is targeted and when she says two hours a day she means two hours a day. If mum doesn’t need the personal care for that long, she helps with housework/mum’s laundry, and she’s got a lovely rapport with mum - really gentle and caring.

The LA carers were bloody useless. I’m disabled so limited in what I can do for mum. The LA carers came in late in the mornings and a lot of the time they were so late that I’d already got mum up and sorted myself because she was agitated at being left in bed so long. They were lazy too. Because she has dementia she doesn’t like getting washed/showered, so a lot of the time they would come downstairs and tell me she didn’t want to get washed and they weren’t allowed to force her, so they’d given her a wipe over with bed bath wipes. Not once during the four weeks did they wash her hair. I ended up wondering what the hell she was paying for to be honest as the care costs were based on 14 hours a week and they were here for less than an hour a day over three visits.

The last straw was a double whammy. I had requested that they didn’t send males to do personal care - mum is 93 and vulnerable and I wasnt going to subject her to that kind of stress. On three occasions in one week they sent two men to do the personal care. But it was when I realised they were arriving and sitting in the car outside for about twenty minutes before knocking, and same when they left, that I put a stop to it. My step daughter who is a carer, told me it was because everything is done via their phones, including the care company tracking where they are and how long they spend on a call. So when they should have been seeing to mum they were waiting out the time in the car before going to the next call. The way we treat our old and vulnerable in this country is shameful.

Hope your dad is ok. Realistically with the geographical distance you're not going to able to drop everything and go each time something like this happens. Hopefully this will be a wake up call for your dad that at 86 yo and living 3 hrs away from relatives he needs to start putting a support network into place as part of his regular day to day life, even if that means reaching out to voluntary groups, charities etc, or starting to look at more supported living options e.g. sheltered accommodation.

Are you able to facetime or whatsapp video him?

That's a really kind suggestion but he would be really uncomfortable with that I think!! Thank you though x

I had requested that they didn’t send males to do personal care - mum is 93 and vulnerable and I wasnt going to subject her to that kind of stress. On three occasions in one week they sent two men to do the personal care.

I would have hit the **ing roof!

OP, relieved that your dad is OK and nothing really serious.
Worth finding out who his local council is and navigate the webpage to find links to social services/ adult social care just in case he needs some support. If he is really struggling some areas have a rapid access
team that can go in and assess him and provide some aids to help/ advise re carers.
as other posters have suggested worth reviewing a pendant / wrist button emergency call in case he falls at home alone..
If he has fallen he should be referred to a falls assessment service, he can always enquire about this via his GP if not heard anything.
Do not underestimate the resilience of some older persons, he may manage better than expected.