Page 6 | Not to go and see my very elderly dad after a fall?

BarbaraVineFan · 2024-11-09T15:12:18+00:00

My 86 year old dad has just rung me to say he fell over in the street today and has cut his hand and injured his wrist- possibly broken, he is at hospital now. I really want to go to him but -I don't drive and we are almost 3 hours away by public transport -the trains are messed up today and so we would need to change 3 times -I have 5 year old DD who has a nasty cold and is very tired as she hasn't been sleeping well. I am a single mum and have nobody to leave her with overnight. -I would have to go tonight and come back tomorrow, as I have to be at work on Monday Is it very bad not to go and see him? He is adamant that he doesn't want us to come and is fine. But I feel guilty. What would you do?

Original poster

BarbaraVineFan · 09/11/2024 18:29

Another update - I rang the hospital after he had been discharged and spoke to a manager of some kind. I questioned why dad had been sent home alone under the circumstances and she said that he had presented as being very independent and able to manage. (This if true - he is very fit for his age - but still, he is 86 with a broken wrist!!)

Anyway, she was actually quite helpful and warm, and asked me to ring her after I have spoken to dad in the morning about how he is managing. If he is struggling, she will ask a team (can't remember the name) to go in on Monday and assess him with a view to putting some temporary care in place.

Feeling a bit more positive now. Thanks to everyone again for their help - you really have been great! I'll keep updating the thread if you don't mind, as it's very helpful to feel that I'm not alone. Love to all who have had difficulties with the care of elderly family members.

OP posts:

WimbyAce · 09/11/2024 18:42

Sounds like a good outcome. That's good re the care team as he may well need a bit of help but won't want to ask for it.
I also think it was the right call not to tackle a 3 hour train journey with a poorly 5 year old. Tricky situation for you for sure with no support.

Notquitegrownup2 · 09/11/2024 18:50

Fantastic outcome. Well done with getting the hospital on side.
Sending best wishes for a speedy recovery for your dad.

BruFord · 09/11/2024 18:54

Great news, OP! Help is available, you just have to push for it.

Moonshine5 · 09/11/2024 18:54

Nanny0gg · 09/11/2024 16:52

She said in the OP there is no-one to leave her daughter with!

The child is ill and an elderly man who has just had a fall does not need to catch a cold from her which could make him quite poorly

@BarbaraVineFan make arrangements to go and see him when your DD is better.

Also, does he need help at home? Does he look after himself? How is he with cooking?
Maybe look at what can be done for him to make his life easier

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OP did actually ask "what would you do?"

AgileGreenSeal · 09/11/2024 18:56

Put your child first, OP. You can’t be in two places at once.

edited as just seen update
that’s good news. Hopefully he will get some help & you can go see him when your child is better.
Best wishes and keep posting here for support xx

WearyAuldWumman · 09/11/2024 19:02

Rosscameasdoody · 09/11/2024 17:27

I ended up getting a private carer for mum. She’s self employed and charges the same as the LA, but the care is targeted and when she says two hours a day she means two hours a day. If mum doesn’t need the personal care for that long, she helps with housework/mum’s laundry, and she’s got a lovely rapport with mum - really gentle and caring.

The LA carers were bloody useless. I’m disabled so limited in what I can do for mum. The LA carers came in late in the mornings and a lot of the time they were so late that I’d already got mum up and sorted myself because she was agitated at being left in bed so long. They were lazy too. Because she has dementia she doesn’t like getting washed/showered, so a lot of the time they would come downstairs and tell me she didn’t want to get washed and they weren’t allowed to force her, so they’d given her a wipe over with bed bath wipes. Not once during the four weeks did they wash her hair. I ended up wondering what the hell she was paying for to be honest as the care costs were based on 14 hours a week and they were here for less than an hour a day over three visits.

The last straw was a double whammy. I had requested that they didn’t send males to do personal care - mum is 93 and vulnerable and I wasnt going to subject her to that kind of stress. On three occasions in one week they sent two men to do the personal care. But it was when I realised they were arriving and sitting in the car outside for about twenty minutes before knocking, and same when they left, that I put a stop to it. My step daughter who is a carer, told me it was because everything is done via their phones, including the care company tracking where they are and how long they spend on a call. So when they should have been seeing to mum they were waiting out the time in the car before going to the next call. The way we treat our old and vulnerable in this country is shameful.

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I finished up staking out my mum's house. (We were building on an extra bedroom and wetroom for her and I'd paid for a lot of extra care for her in her own place in the meantime.)

She was supposed to have a 90 minute visit in the evening, mainly to keep her company.

I'd popped in after a parents' evening at work to drop off some things, expecting the carer to be there still. Nope. Note in the book "Nothing needing done." [No, Mum wasn't sending the carer away. She liked the company.]

I waited up the hill from the house the next day and saw the young carer going in and out again ten minutes later. I phoned the company and complained.

Original poster

BarbaraVineFan · 09/11/2024 19:04

WearyAuldWumman · 09/11/2024 19:02

I finished up staking out my mum's house. (We were building on an extra bedroom and wetroom for her and I'd paid for a lot of extra care for her in her own place in the meantime.)

She was supposed to have a 90 minute visit in the evening, mainly to keep her company.

I'd popped in after a parents' evening at work to drop off some things, expecting the carer to be there still. Nope. Note in the book "Nothing needing done." [No, Mum wasn't sending the carer away. She liked the company.]

I waited up the hill from the house the next day and saw the young carer going in and out again ten minutes later. I phoned the company and complained.

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This is very sad :( so sorry for you and your mum @WearyAuldWumman

OP posts:

WearyAuldWumman · 09/11/2024 19:07

BarbaraVineFan · 09/11/2024 19:04

This is very sad :( so sorry for you and your mum @WearyAuldWumman

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Thank you. She's been gone a while - 2015 [made it to 90] - but I remember the stress of trying to work, care for my husband and care for my mum. And, of course, it wasn't easy for them either.

I have an idea of what you're going through.

luckylavender · 09/11/2024 19:35

Loonaandalf · 09/11/2024 17:40

I would go if I had a good relationship with my father. You could take Monday off and DD could take a day off school surely as it’s an emergency. If not, go as soon as you can during the week.

How do you know that the OP can take the day off, just like that?

luckylavender · 09/11/2024 19:42

@Propcorn - if I had a pound for everyone who suggests this. What works for you doesn't work for everyone.
I am an only child, I wfh and live over 200 miles from my 92 year old father. My mother died a horrible death 11 months ago with vascular dementia. My Dad has been to hell and back. He's grieving and he's lonely. But he's also determined to stay in the town he was born in where he bumps into people he knows every day. In the house my mother and he had built for their wedding in 1961. Don't assume.

Marshbird · 09/11/2024 20:04

Runskiyoga · 09/11/2024 15:44

Keep in phone contact. If there are tasks he can't do, help him find out about using some temporary help in his home (check out his council website). You and he need to have ongoing realistic conversations about what you can and can't do, he gets it, you feel guilty, you are both doing the best you can.

This, all theway

call him every few hours- make sure he knows you are thinking about him and concerned

offer to get a grocery shop, make sure he has a cleaner in - at 86 and a wrist fracture it could take a while

tell him you want to arrange an assessment to see what other support he needs till it’s healed

take sometime off work next week to sort shit outoverphoneif needed to ensure he has help

but, don’t beat yourself up for lack of visit tomorrow….show him you love him, do some practical,stufffor him if he’ll let you

also, if he hasn’t already, do discuss LPOA with him next time you visit…wouldn’t need it for this, but at his age even an UTI can cause temporary but severe delerium where he may need someone to advocate for him.

BruFord · 09/11/2024 20:52

luckylavender · 09/11/2024 19:35

How do you know that the OP can take the day off, just like that?

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@luckylavender The OP would be entitled to compassionate leave for an emergency situation that hospitalized her parent.

luckylavender · 09/11/2024 21:16

@BruFord - we have no idea what the OP does. Statements like this drive me mad. Not all work is equal, she may be a brain surgeon or someone on a zero hour contract who cannot afford not to be paid.

Like all these comments about engaging social services and getting emergency carers. Just like that. That's not how the country works. Or ring the hospital and speak to the doctor etc. In an ideal world.

MissMoneyFairy · 09/11/2024 21:37

luckylavender · 09/11/2024 21:16

@BruFord - we have no idea what the OP does. Statements like this drive me mad. Not all work is equal, she may be a brain surgeon or someone on a zero hour contract who cannot afford not to be paid.

Like all these comments about engaging social services and getting emergency carers. Just like that. That's not how the country works. Or ring the hospital and speak to the doctor etc. In an ideal world.

Op rang the hospital who will arrange an assessment if he needs it, it can be done.

WearyAuldWumman · 09/11/2024 21:45

BruFord · 09/11/2024 20:52

@luckylavender The OP would be entitled to compassionate leave for an emergency situation that hospitalized her parent.

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There can be an entitlement, but some places of work really aren't that amenable.

My place of work allowed 5 days an academic year - that included time off for organising funerals and the affairs of the deceased the year my dad died. I was also dealing with my mum (who had dementia) and my poorly husband.

I was told that if I needed any more than 5 days, I should get signed off sick.

LaLaLaurie · 09/11/2024 21:47

I’d be going tomorrow. Stop letting a 5 year old control what you do.

crumblingschools · 09/11/2024 22:06

@LaLaLaurie a poorly 5yo who could add to the man’s problems

Propcorn · 09/11/2024 22:08

luckylavender · 09/11/2024 19:42

@Propcorn - if I had a pound for everyone who suggests this. What works for you doesn't work for everyone.
I am an only child, I wfh and live over 200 miles from my 92 year old father. My mother died a horrible death 11 months ago with vascular dementia. My Dad has been to hell and back. He's grieving and he's lonely. But he's also determined to stay in the town he was born in where he bumps into people he knows every day. In the house my mother and he had built for their wedding in 1961. Don't assume.

I don’t know what’s wrong with you. You are being strange about this. Where did I say it works for everyone? Given the OP’s challenging weekend, it might be a chat she wants to have, that’s all.

Of course it’s fine that your dad wants to stay in his familiar place. That’s great he has made the choice he wants. You had a conversation about it. That’s what everyone does in loving families who are separated by distance. Anyway, clearly this is triggering something for you so I shall say no more. Sorry for the loss of your mum.

Propcorn · 09/11/2024 22:09

LaLaLaurie · 09/11/2024 21:47

I’d be going tomorrow. Stop letting a 5 year old control what you do.

What an odd point of view.

cadburyegg · 09/11/2024 22:18

Some replies on this thread are bonkers.

YANBU OP. You are doing the right thing staying put. Go and see him next weekend if you can. Most people have no idea what it's like to be a single parent. It's not easy to just leave your child with anyone and take time off work unexpectedly.

luckylavender · 10/11/2024 06:20

@Propcorn - there's nothing wrong with me and it's not triggering. Stop being so dramatic.
My experience of having elderly parents is the same as having babies. Everyone knows best & wades in with their solutions without considering that one size doesn't fit all.
This thread is the same.

luckylavender · 10/11/2024 06:22

@MissMoneyFairy - maybe in can be done in some hospitals and maybe it can be promised and not done. There is no consistency and it is often extremely difficult to get through to a ward in the first place.

Laura95167 · 10/11/2024 18:05

I'd listen to him. I'd stay home but I'd make a plan to visit soon.

JustMeAndTheFish · 10/11/2024 20:16

OP when you have elderly parents guilt is just an everyday thing. My dad is 95 and lives in a retirement flat 100 miles from me. I work and visit ever 3 weeks ish; ring him every day.
But he’s never happy and I feel guilty on a weekly basis. But. You have to put your own health and sanity first. You can’t pour from an empty jug, so yourself and your daughter have to be your priority.