Not to go and see my very elderly dad after a fall?

[BarbaraVineFan]

My 86 year old dad has just rung me to say he fell over in the street today and has cut his hand and injured his wrist- possibly broken, he is at hospital now. I really want to go to him but

-I don't drive and we are almost 3 hours away by public transport
-the trains are messed up today and so we would need to change 3 times
-I have 5 year old DD who has a nasty cold and is very tired as she hasn't been sleeping well. I am a single mum and have nobody to leave her with overnight.
-I would have to go tonight and come back tomorrow, as I have to be at work on Monday

Is it very bad not to go and see him? He is adamant that he doesn't want us to come and is fine. But I feel guilty. What would you do?

We try sometimes, but he finds it challenging!

Is their any reason you're dad can't come to your house ?? Even if it's just for a week whilst he adapts.

I did. I was told that I wasn’t permitted to request all females because all of their staff were similarly qualified. At that point I told them I would make my own arrangements and cancelled the contract. It was three days before the 28 days ‘free care’ ended and we ended up with a bill based on five weeks care because mum’s discharge from hospital was in the middle of one ‘charging week’ and ended in the middle of another. It’s a disgrace.

Practicality wise you would be quite unhelpful. He's in hospital so medical staff are assessing his injuries and if they need anything more than a cast etc.
Not being able to drive him anywhere means you can't help him collect food/essentials. Nothing like you couldn't order online for him.
His hand doesn't work properly so he needs someone to carry things, help him dress and cook etc.
It would be more beneficial to phone him and just find out what things he needs help with, make the phone calls for him, book things online and ensure he has an alarm round his wrist in case he falls again overnight.

Realistically- you can’t go. It’s not a matter of choice. The situation you have outlined re transport, your poorly daughter etc mean it is simply not possible. And the last thing your dad needs is to catch your daughters cold. He is safe and looked after in hospital. He is in no danger by the sounds of it. Try to arrange to visit him when he comes home- he will need the help/ company/ support even more then. Be kind to yourself- you’re doing the best you can xx

@Rosscameasdoody I'm so sorry to hear this x

I seriously hate this guilt tripping. So easy to make an old person move - not.

If there is a branch of Cook near him, they are usually helpful with home delivery and will even put food in the freezer. Worth investigating pendant alarms, local cleaners and carers.

In the future, might it be possible to afford a taxi to get to him? I’m in a similar situation (3-4 hour train journey, lots of changes) and the car journey I’d 1 hour. Lots of the airport drivers will do this kind of trip and it’s about £50-60).
because I can’t drive, I reckon I’m saving all the car costs.

Your father should have been able to stipulate whether he wanted the LPA to be enacted only on his loss of capacity, or while he still has capacity, so that the LPA has input and can advise in each decision. Problem is capacity is fluid and the LPA has to include the donor as far as possible in each decision at the time when capacity is optimum. It’s really difficult. I have LPA for my mum and if I’d realised what was involved at the time, I doubt I would have taken it on as a sole attorney.

I would go if I had a good relationship with my father. You could take Monday off and DD could take a day off school surely as it’s an emergency. If not, go as soon as you can during the week.

Just to add that Age UK is a great source of information for resources.

To request a care needs assessment, contact his local council’s adult social services department. You can do this on his behalf, with his permission. I’d explain to him that you’d like to get this done in case of any more emergencies. All they’ll do is make recommendations and tell you what’s available in his area. We found it really useful.

My Dad was happy to do it because it was free. 😂

I'm so angry for you OP. This is just wrong, poor gentleman, and now more worry for you x

Thank you. All is well now. Thankfully mum lives with us so although I’m not physically fit enough to see to her care needs, I’m in a position to oversee it, and it’s worked out fine for us with a lovely dedicated private carer. I’m acutely aware that not everyone is so fortunate and I despair of the broken NHS and care systems we’re subjecting our most vulnerable to.

It would be a bit mad to take an ill child to see an elderly person recovering from the shock of a fall

Try Bubble for childcare, I’ve been on it as a nanny and plan to use it when my baby arrives. Lots of reviews and you can check references etc.

He knows he can call anytime, I would try and make arrangements for childcare and travel to go see him soon if you can though.

Make him get support in place.

Guilt tripping? What are you on about? Don’t be so rude. It might be the best outcome for both parties. My parents wanted to move near me so did so. Nobody is being moved by force. It’s a discussion that lots of loving families have, and can be a really important one.

Please don't take you ill daughter out. She is a million times more important than your Dad. He wouldn't want to put her health at risk.

I think you may need to arrange some temporary carers for him OP, if he’s on his own with a broken wrist. I would call social services first thing Monday. Alternatively, is there any way he could some and stay with you for a bit? Although I appreciate the journey might be impossible for him. Moving forward, it may be time to think about moving closer together, because this is likely to keep on happening.

If he is struggling to cook, wash, dress etc then you could try contacting your local social services and asking for a crisis care package to be put in place until he is able to manage on his own again. You should also be able to do this through his GP. Unfortunately services are different in every area however in the area I cover as a HCP I can refer to a hospital avoidance service and Request an assessment for Crisis care, GP’s also refer into the service. Every area will have something similar.
Maybe just someone going in 3 times a day to help with washing, dressing and cooking meals. Maybe make him a flask etc. They can help with anything he is struggling to do himself x

This. He won't thank you for your DD giving him a cold.

My similarly aged DM slipped and fell last year and broke her wrist. I didn't have your decision to take, as she didn't tell me until 2 days later. In your shoes, with a sick child and no childcare I wouldn't have gone - not least because a nasty cold would be the last thing she needed on top of a painful fracture. Don't beat yourself up, staying in touch by phone will keep your Dad's spirits up until you can get there. And if your dad is independent and has said not to come yet, it may distress him further and knock his confidence if you override him.
Practical things - my DM managed to dress and not starve but lots of things are very very awkward and it's a painful injury. A supermarket delivery of food that's easy to cook and eat one handed, ready meal cottage pie type things, is something you can sort out for your dad without travelling.
Don't underestimate how "a fall" and a day being spoken to like an old person in hospital, can knock mental positivity and sense of independence and bring home the frailties of age. My mum aged 10 years in a matter of weeks, mentally, and had some very down periods. You can support with that and listen on the phone.
The reality of a long recovery will sink in over the next days and weeks and your dad may need you more once the adrenaline has gone away.
A private physio appointment is well worth it. As is suggesting he ask his GP about a bone density assessment.
Strength to you and strength and healing to your dad.

Keep in contact with ur dad, you never know what might pop up like an opportunity to get to see him, but don't beat urself up, ur being torn right now but you dragging ur DD there and having to navigate hers, urs and ur dad's issues will be more stressful than just staying put and grounded, guilts a bitch but what you need is calm logics, good luck.