Not to go and see my very elderly dad after a fall?

[BarbaraVineFan]

My 86 year old dad has just rung me to say he fell over in the street today and has cut his hand and injured his wrist- possibly broken, he is at hospital now. I really want to go to him but

-I don't drive and we are almost 3 hours away by public transport
-the trains are messed up today and so we would need to change 3 times
-I have 5 year old DD who has a nasty cold and is very tired as she hasn't been sleeping well. I am a single mum and have nobody to leave her with overnight.
-I would have to go tonight and come back tomorrow, as I have to be at work on Monday

Is it very bad not to go and see him? He is adamant that he doesn't want us to come and is fine. But I feel guilty. What would you do?

Can you ring your father several times a day. So you are regular in touch.
Also talk to the ward nurse to get an update.
If he needs pyjamas or toliteries etc could you post some new ones via Amazon etc? Also his favorite biscuits etc.
I think that should be fine with your situation For the meantime.

Also Is your daughter's father not able to look after her?

Just go as soon as you can.

They should ask him if there's anyone at home to help him. Age UK have a service in some hospitals where they accompany someone home from hospital and make sure they've got all the essentials in.

If he's broken his wrist and has no one nearby to he might be eligible for some sort of short term help, with preparing meals etc. I think it usually depends on the hospital.

Would he give permission for you to make these sorts of calls on your behalf?

Frankly, there’s not a lot you could actually do right now. Don’t feel guilty, he’s at the hospital and that’s the best place for what he needs right now. Is he likely to be admitted? If so you can arrange deliveries for any bits he might need.

it sounds really harsh but in some ways it’s better for the hospital to have a realistic picture of his support system. Not that social care is covered in glory right now but it still does exist and if there are any support systems he could take advantage of now’s as good a time as any to put those in place. It leaves you room to be his daughter and not his social worker.

You have a lot on your plate and it’s not UR to have to prioritise your child. It sounds like your DF understands this so concentrate on what you can do remotely and make sure you’re at the other end of the phone if he needs to talk.

I always ring him at least twice a day anyway.

Sending stuff via Amazon is a good idea. I did think of that, or maybe getting him a food delivery from justeat.

My daughter's father lives in Portugal and hasn't looked after her since he left me when she was 18 months old 😡

Would it be possible for your Dad to move closer to you when he recovers? It sounds as though you could both be a great support for each other. My parents moved near to me a few years ago and things have been so much easier since then.

This must be so tough, I understand you’d want to see him for yourself and see he’s ok, however you’ve spoken to him and he’s told you to stay at home.
You really don’t need to drag your poorly DD on the train when she feels terrible, likely infecting other people and possibly passing it on to your dad too. I doubt your dad would want his DGD traipsed about on the train.

If the hospital has any concerns about your dad I’m sure they’d keep him in.

even if you had someone to watch your DD, kids tend to just want their mum when they feel rough.

Make plans to go next weekend and keep calling him to check in.

Just spoke to the hospital and they can't even confirm that he is there because of 'confidentiality'. And his mobile is off

Argh

My late husband had two adult kids. I totally understand that they relied on the fact that I was with him.

I do hold resentment of the fact that they failed to visit him when he had lengthy hospital stays - they'd say "Oh, we'll see him when he gets home: that's better."

Your case is nothing like this. You have a young child who is totally dependent on you and you're working. You're going to see your dad as soon as you can.

As others have suggested, you can phone him. Phone the Social Services emergency number and see what can be put in place now - maybe Meals on Wheels? They should have an emergency care team.

I agree that the hospital and SS are better seeing what the real situation is for your dad. As soon as they see a relative, the tendency is to expect them to drop everything else and to tend to the relative. (When my husband had his stroke, I realised with some consternation that the OT expected me to quit my job, in spite of the fact that my husband was compos mentis and my place of work was only 10 miles from home. They were trying to avoid putting in place temporary transition care.)

This doesn't help now, I know, but you're going to have to get your dad to organise Power of Attorney as soon as possible.

Try to email the hospital so that there's a record of you getting in touch.

If you have limited time and live away, the best support is usually more beneficial around discharge and integrating a return home ( maybe cleaning his house/ filling the freezer with ready meals/ do the laundry) next time you visit in anticipation.
My elderly father dislocated his shoulder and needed support as his arm was fully strapped accross his chest (a few overnights staying from his family members ) intially on discharge to settle him back at home, fill the fridge, settle his confidence etc
If he has broken his arm and needs some support ( and he lives in the UK ) he may be able to get a short period ( up to 6 weeks free) of carer support such as a morning call to help him get dressed.
In this day and age communication by phone/ video can help if you are living away.
can be tough living away from family and completely understand the predicament you are in.
Don’t underestimate the impact a fall can have in confidence in the elderly , it may pave the way for conversations about options for the future (where he lives/ suitable housing/ accessing local support etc)

Ah, I have power of attorney. Does that help in getting them to speak to me?

Yes! Say that you have POA and ask them again. And when you speak to him tell him to ask them to put on his notes that they can speak to you

This us why I couldn't move away from family. My grandparents and dad had hospital visits every day. Sometimes twice a day.
I'm not sure what the situation is.

Can you arrange a food shop and one of those hot meal deliveries until you can get there?

I'm on the fence about this.

I know how much a visit from a loved one can make a huge difference to the coping mechanism and how much of a positive impact it has had especially if elderly and in hospital.
He is being strong but he won't realise how much this will have taken out of him. Please don't underestimate the shock of this for someone of this age and the difference you can make.
Please ring the ward nurse for a chat at the very least.

What do I do if they won't speak to me though.

In similar situation, it's all on me even though I don't live near, don't drive, have young kids and work.. I arranged carers to go in every day, free for first 2 weeks after hospital stay and small contribution ongoing.

Just to add that when DH was in hospital following his stroke, the hospital pulled the "confidentiality" line with me, but then still expected me to drop my job to look after him.

I'd find them agreeing things with him and then cutting me out. This sounds petty, but I was greeted by a nurse one day with "DH and I have agreed that you'll put his tablets into a measured dose box for him each day. You'll have to buy one."

"Really? Without asking me? One more thing for me to do! When was I going to be consulted?"

[My mum had dementia. We'd just added to the house to move her in and I had organised her daytime care, but did everything else.]

"Oh well! If you're not willing..."

"I didn't say that. My point is that I want to be consulted. What kind of box do I need to buy?"

"We're not allowed to recommend..."

In the end, it turned out that he couldn't get into the ruddy box for lunchtime because of a lack of manual dexterity. I told the OT and SW that they'd have to provide a lunchtime care visit for him to ensure he got his meds. [The interim care team was originally supposed to provide 3 visits a day. On the first day, they took one look at me and promptly cut it to 1. After less than a week, it was cut to zero, because we were "managing".]

Suddenly, it became possible for them to provide us a Pixell automated pill dispenser which had an alarm...

Now starting to wonder if I should try to get someone to have DD overnight and just go by myself

But it's literally friends from school's parents. Nobody close here

They should speak to you @BarbaraVineFan as you are his daughter.
I have just come out of Hospital and the Nurse brought the phone to a Lady that did not have a mobile phone on her. (her family had called the ward)
They are generally very nice and will try to help you, they will absolutely understand your situation and give you the best advice, ie if his pain is under control, if his vitals are ok etc. and also bringing your little one there who has a cold etc.

YNBU.
If course you can't go and shouldn't even attempt it.
You know the way it works in hospital... he'll get x-rayed and they'll want to know all about how he fell..did he go dizzy etc.
He'll be well looked after and I'm sure they won't discharge unless they have to.He may even have to stay in for a couple of days.
He sounds a lovely considerate man.
Be kind to yourself op..x

He's hurt his wrist. POA doesn't come into it here, unless he doesn't have capacity.

If it is his dominant hand and he is otherwise well, you can talk to him about whether he needs any help at home.

Otherwise it sounds like he's been firm with you.

Hopefully they have asked him for z family contact and he's given them your name and number. You can call and ask to speak to the bed manager or a&e and say you've got poa, is it for health and welfare. They need to know he's at home on his own.