Grandparents treating dc and step dc differently

[Gottoshare]

And my ‘rebalancing’ of things has been discovered 😬

We have 2 dc and dh has 2 dc from a previous relationship. Everyone gets on well, I adore his dc they are lovely kids.

Every Christmas my parents give money for my 2 dc, bags of sweets and chocolate selection boxes and a big Christmas Eve box. 2 of everything- plus big bags of sweets . There have been a few heated conversations (not when dc are there) and I’ve made it clear ALL dc are there 23/24 dec each year and it’s unfair to treat them differently. It’s been going on for 5 years. Dh dc are teenagers now and last year my parents were saying ‘well they are older why are you still going on about this they don’t believe etc etc’ . SC are so lovely to their little brothers and really keep up the magic of Xmas and they really make it amazing for them. My parents are so off about it.

Anyway what I’ve been doing is splitting the money between 4 not 2 and adding to the Xmas eve box so that it’s for 4 children not 2. So it’s been fine and the label says from granny and grandpa and it’s just for everyone . Well we saw them last weekend and one of SC was exclaiming how much they love the Xmas eve box and talking about all the nice things in it each year and I could see my parents faces. They were furious. They called me afterwards and said never to do it again or they will stop so I said ‘fine then - stop. You wouldn’t treat them fairly so I did’ I think they honestly expected them to sit and watch and miss out on the box ???

Today they’ve said they want my dc dropped to them Xmas eve morning they’ll do the Xmas eve box / activities / film / hot choc with them . They have GrAndpaRents RigHts now dont you know 🤬🤬🤬🤬

AIBU if I just tell them to get lost. It’s really annoyed me

This one is hard because you can’t define family for other people.

but this isn’t about their will, it’s about bringing gifts for two children to a house where four children are. That’s just mean.

from their perspective your step children will get gifts from people who don’t buy for your two, and in blenders families things are rarely completely equal because the children have different people in their lives.

do not drop the kids to them on Christmas Eve and tell them that all the children will notice the unfair treatment and will ALL think less of them as human beings.

OP your parents get worse with every thread. However you are epitome of what a step mum should be and your generosity with your love is probably due in part to them. So you are the silver lining to their meanness.

Lying to children is not acceptable.

Lying to children is not acceptable.

No Father Christmas for your kids then.

Today they’ve said they want my dc dropped to them Xmas eve morning they’ll do the Xmas eve box / activities / film / hot choc with them . They have GrAndpaRents RigHts now dont you know

I don’t think Grandparents have any rights????

The best option might be for you to say you’re taking over the Christmas Eve boxes this year and for you and all the DC to all go out somewhere on Christmas Eve to avoid your parents.

Do the SC live with you FT?

If so, then I understand your POV.

But my mum doesn’t get my sisters SC anything because she’s never even met them as the dad only sees them EOW (if that).

It’s pretty normal for GPs to treat SC and BC differently, because the SC have another set of grandparents.

It’s different if they live with you full time of course.

My niece spent Xmas with me and my DC.
She has 2 parents and 2 sets of grandparents and so I didn’t buy her as much as I bought my own DC, so when she was over I didn’t give my DC all of her presents until my niece left because I didn’t want her feeling left out.

As parents, it’s up to us to to ensure no one is being left out, not police what people can and can’t give them.

If the SC don’t live with you FT, then why not just give the BC half of the presents from their grandparents when the SC are there and then the rest when they go home?
You can’t blame your parents when you know they do this and you’re still choosing to do this and have done for 5 years.

Their attitude stinks but I’d be pretty pissed off how entitled you’re coming across.
They’re not forcing these gifts and money on you.

On the one hand, they should be able to treat their grandchildren. Presumably, SKs also have 4 grandparents. On the other hand, opening Xmas Eve boxes is something you do as a family and excluding 2 children when there are 4 present is not kind.

The fact they've thrown their toys out of the pram and demanded to have your DCs on Xmas Eve, shows that they are entitled beyond belief.

@Gottoshare I just wanted to say how wonderful you and your DSC sound.

I'm also lucky (like your DH) that my DH ALWAYS refers to my daughter from a previous relationship as his child - she didn't always understand how special that was, but now, in her 20s their relationship is lovely, and sometimes completely separate from me, which is awesome.

You should continue to 'do you' but as your DSC get older, perhaps be more honest about your parents.

You might enjoy telling them that the whole phrase is "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb," which means the bonds you choose to form are stronger than bonds of shared DNA. Then tell them to bugger off and take their Xmas Eve boxes with them.

Presumably, SKs also have 4 grandparents

If you read all of OPs posts you'll see that isn't the case. There's a back story which makes the behaviour especially cruel.

These rotten grandparents are well out of order. Their behaviour is just so needlessly nasty. I’m so glad your children and step children have such a lovely mum!

No way would I send your children to them on Christmas Eve. Or any other time.
Tell them NO and let them tantrum away.

That's the bit the epitomises the awfulness of your parents actions - how, literally how could they not be happy hearing that??? Presumably because they have an agenda, a view of how things should be that won't be changed for anything. I agree with your response, they can stop the xmas eve box, you do it now. And they can fuck off with the"bring our GC to us" crap. Honestly, what a shitty way to be.

@Hunglikeapolevaulter , I never said there was a Father Christmas and I never said there wasn't. You can avoid lying.

I've got 2 grandchildren, and 2 step-grandchildren. I spend the same amount of money on each child. Birthdays, Christmas, Easter, holiday money - they all get the same. The other grandparents have got my grandchildren as their step-grandchildren and only spend a few quid on mine, which I feel is a bit sad.

Oh dear.I became a step grandmother four years ago to a 4 and 11 yo.
Those children live with my son and his partner,his children stay every other weekend and 1 or 2 nights in the week.They are a family of seven and are treated as such by us and our wider family.Equality in everything.We took them all on a cruise last year,the other grandparents took our two SGC on holiday.
They must do what is right for them,but to discriminate between the children is,in my view,wrong.

Completely. Well done for being such a good step mum. Your parents are miserable old sods.

You sound lovely op. I’d continue insisting all the same or nothing at all.

I don't think your parents should treat your children differently, but secretly re-allocating half the stuff they send for their grandchildren away from its intended recipients to other members of your family was not ok. You should have told them you were doing it and why, not pretend to give in, and lie about it.

Not true though is it?

My Mum and Dad never really took notice of my stepchildren, yet my in laws embraced my 4 from my first marriage. The kids called them Nanny and Grandad. They were always treated equally.

When they passed away my kids were left equal inheritance and were pall bearers for their very beloved grandparents. They are remembered fondly and well.

My parents are still alive but barely mentioned.

So your parent's choice is to treat children like crap even though adults put them in this position (family).

Your parents aren't good people.

I would be clear that there will be no contact over the holidays starting this year until they understand how to treat the 4 children you are raising with kindness.

Now I want to make them a Xmas eve box! They sound gorgeous.

Have you read the op??

Up to them but scrap the Xmas Eve box, I would avoid them over the festive period while you have all the kids.