Grandparents treating dc and step dc differently

[Gottoshare]

And my ‘rebalancing’ of things has been discovered 😬

We have 2 dc and dh has 2 dc from a previous relationship. Everyone gets on well, I adore his dc they are lovely kids.

Every Christmas my parents give money for my 2 dc, bags of sweets and chocolate selection boxes and a big Christmas Eve box. 2 of everything- plus big bags of sweets . There have been a few heated conversations (not when dc are there) and I’ve made it clear ALL dc are there 23/24 dec each year and it’s unfair to treat them differently. It’s been going on for 5 years. Dh dc are teenagers now and last year my parents were saying ‘well they are older why are you still going on about this they don’t believe etc etc’ . SC are so lovely to their little brothers and really keep up the magic of Xmas and they really make it amazing for them. My parents are so off about it.

Anyway what I’ve been doing is splitting the money between 4 not 2 and adding to the Xmas eve box so that it’s for 4 children not 2. So it’s been fine and the label says from granny and grandpa and it’s just for everyone . Well we saw them last weekend and one of SC was exclaiming how much they love the Xmas eve box and talking about all the nice things in it each year and I could see my parents faces. They were furious. They called me afterwards and said never to do it again or they will stop so I said ‘fine then - stop. You wouldn’t treat them fairly so I did’ I think they honestly expected them to sit and watch and miss out on the box ???

Today they’ve said they want my dc dropped to them Xmas eve morning they’ll do the Xmas eve box / activities / film / hot choc with them . They have GrAndpaRents RigHts now dont you know 🤬🤬🤬🤬

AIBU if I just tell them to get lost. It’s really annoyed me

They don't even want to give a token gift. They want the step DC to get nothing. OP has chosen a blended family which her parents don't like so they can easily remove themselves and celebrate Christmas Eve on their own.

That is one of the loveliest things I have ever heard.

Your parents are not nice people OP. I am sorry.

Selfish with Christmas joy and family joy by the sounds of it. I think it's wonderful what you've been trying to do to not emotionally harm your SC.

Oh for god’s sake go and have a cup of tea.

Why don’t you just do a Christmas Eve box for your DSC?

Or do one for everyone and give your DC the one from the grandparents on a day when the SC aren’t there.

Surely that will stop everyone feeling left out and your parents can still spoil their grandkids.

I feel like this is a bigger drama than it needs to be.

I would have done the same as you .
You sound like a very caring step mum.

Your dsc sound lovely. The fact your dps don't think oh let's buy for little Jane and Jimmy but specifically think lets leave j and j out makes them cunts.. They must think this or they would feel ashamed op has had to paper over their cuntness and be embarrassed.. They are fuming = they are cunts..

I'm currently in the early stages of pregnancy so very hormonal but this has made me well up! DSC will be 8 when this baby is (hopefully - as I say I'm very early and have had prev mc so don't want to get my hopes up too much!) born so about the same age gap you have, and if my DSC is this brilliant with their small sibling when they're a teenager I will be incredibly happy and proud of them. You, and your stepkids, sound amazing OP and anyone who begrudges buying a few extra bits so ALL your kids can be part of the Christmas Eve box tradition is just nasty.

OP you sound like a lovely SP, I would continue the Christmas eve box with the 4 children and let your parents no there is no grandparents rights,so they wont be having there bio grandchildren as they are spending Christmas eve with there siblings as a family.

Wow! I can't begin to get my head around people like your parents. My son is married to a lovely woman who had two children when they met. He is a devoted father to them, and they love him dearly in return. He and his wife have a baby due very soon.

I have been Christmas shopping for the grandchildren and have to keep remembering to get something for the new baby too. It just doesn't feel any different that he will be biologically related to us.

As far as I am concerned, it's just more children to love, and we feel very lucky to have them in our lives.

Your (step) children are very lucky to have you, OP. Keep on doing what you're doing.

its a tough one. I totally agree with what you did, you say they are great kids and it’s a nice act to share at Xmas. They obviously appreciate it . Why make them feel awkward and unwanted at Xmas? The Grandparents sound awful people in my eyes. I wouldn’t bother with them, why are they so unkind? Isn’t Xmas all about the kids and giving to others? Maybe do a box yourself to share and your kids go to the grandparents separately if they insist. The kids insist that is. You don’t own grandparents anything

When the two step-children receive gifts and money from their own grandparents, do they split it with your two kids?
If yes, continue as you are.
If no, you are being unreasonable.
The older two are not your parents' grandchildren. Don't deny them the chance to love and spoil their grandchildren. Don't deny your children a relationship with grandparents who obviously adore them.
I can see why you'd top up a Christmas Eve box of snacks and sweets, but you were very wrong to split a money gift. That was your children's money, it wasn't yours to share.

It's not "breaking the law" to pretend a Christmas Eve box was intended for 4 children rather than 2, calm down.

You sound lovely and your parents are ugly.

THEY have zero rights to your children and I would make that crystal clear.
Drop the rope completely.

They need an extended period of not seeing any of you and I would be very careful about them being around your children.

Of course I can understand their special interest in their biological grand children but their unkindness is simply not acceptable.

Time for lots of space.

Your parents sound like downright vile people and you sound amazing with your step kids ❤️ do not give it to them and continue being lovely to the kids, they’re very lucky to have you standing up for them!

It's slightly different but I have adopted cousins - probably closer to them than blood cousins but basically, as a family we treat them exactly the same as any blood relative.
My children have honoury grandparents, as they only have one set now. It's lovely to see the relationship between them all.
Your parents are out of order.

That is about as far from the Christian message of Christmas as it is possible to get.

My DH has just reminded me that when ours were younger and had friends round for play dates when the tree was up, I used to say ‘no choccies off the tree until home time’. Then they all chose one and I made them take one for each sibling and told their parents … because at least one would have scoffed both/all three. But they were 6/7/8 etc - not grown adults, hiding sweets from guests !

@Gottoshare You sound lovely and your parents sounds completely selfish - worse in fact, deliberately cruel and unkind. I am a step-grandmother and while I understand it doesn't always feel the same, I have NEVER and will never ever treat my step grandchild any different to my fully blood grandchildren, because that would be a shocking thing to do and I couldn't ever deliberately hurt children ( or adults come to that) by treating them differently.

The issue you have now though is that it is likely that your DSC are going to realise sooner or later, that your parents don't see them as part of the family and they will be very hurt. If not now, then as they get older. I wonder if the best way forward ( for the sake of relations and for no other reason) is to tell your parents a) That you will not be dropping them off on Christmas Eve morning, but b) that you will not split the Christmas Eve box for your 2 DC if they send it to you - but c) tell your DSC that your parents feel they are getting a bit old now for a Christmas Eve box - but you disagree, so you will be doing them one?

It's either that or come clean as kindly as you can and tell them you are angry with your parents over it? I can't think of any other way round it to be honest

I’d do it differently- I’d not accept a Christmas Eve box from your parents at all and I’d do it myself. Simple as that. I wouldn’t tolerate such exclusion, plus it sounds like they love opening the one box and sharing the contents.

Absolutely this!!! You ARE lovely!!💐

If i were your parents, I wouldn't be furious, I will be mortified and apologetic. They should have realised how unreasonable they have been and should have realised how much happiness they brought the SC by treating them as equal (even though they didn't but the kids don't know that) the fact that instead they escalated the issue and want to see privately their biological grandchildren because they have rights is just hilarious.
Keep being super step mom and ignore your parents.

You sound absolutely lovely, and all 4 children are incredibly lucky to have you.
My stepson has his own grandparents, my mum still gets him an advent calendar/ Easter eggs/ presents
If she didn't I wouldn't feel the need to rectify as my DH and I have no kids together, and he's only been my SS for 4 years

However my Mum would never be so cruel as to leave him out, despite the fact her own grandchildren are not related to him

These children are their grandchildren's half siblings!!
I could never forgive them

Quite genuinely my neighbours treat my dc with more love and kindness than your parents are treating your SC who it is obvious you adore.

@Gottoshare there is a thread that's been on here for a really long time with a lovely OP like yourself who's DP won't allow her SC to visit their home or acknowledge them at all. The SC sound lovely, as do yours.
If the thread pops up again I'll DM it to you, sadly this seems a common issue for blended families x

Is there any way you can talk to your parents face to face and put a different perspective on the situation for them?

You have created that rare thing of a happy and harmonious blended family and the half siblings love each other. The teen boys sound so lovely and kind. The grandparents gift means a lot to all of them even though it's a small gift assuming the money is modest. The removal of this gift to just the 2 bio grandkids will create unnecessary hurt, not just for the step GC but the bio GC too who will wonder why they have to go to their GPs and be given a gift that is not for them all to share. For the sake of their bio kids' happiness at least can they not see their way to including their grandkids' half siblings? It's such a little ask with big consequences. It's not like you are asking them to set up Junior ISAs for the step kids. Would they step up? Their historic meanness with the string of Quality Street when you were young sadly suggests it's ingrained. Maybe say you would rather the kids believed them to be the kind hearted loving grandparents they've been perceived to be until now and can they please not burst that bubble just yet.

You’re a good mum.