Grandparents treating dc and step dc differently

[Gottoshare]

And my ‘rebalancing’ of things has been discovered 😬

We have 2 dc and dh has 2 dc from a previous relationship. Everyone gets on well, I adore his dc they are lovely kids.

Every Christmas my parents give money for my 2 dc, bags of sweets and chocolate selection boxes and a big Christmas Eve box. 2 of everything- plus big bags of sweets . There have been a few heated conversations (not when dc are there) and I’ve made it clear ALL dc are there 23/24 dec each year and it’s unfair to treat them differently. It’s been going on for 5 years. Dh dc are teenagers now and last year my parents were saying ‘well they are older why are you still going on about this they don’t believe etc etc’ . SC are so lovely to their little brothers and really keep up the magic of Xmas and they really make it amazing for them. My parents are so off about it.

Anyway what I’ve been doing is splitting the money between 4 not 2 and adding to the Xmas eve box so that it’s for 4 children not 2. So it’s been fine and the label says from granny and grandpa and it’s just for everyone . Well we saw them last weekend and one of SC was exclaiming how much they love the Xmas eve box and talking about all the nice things in it each year and I could see my parents faces. They were furious. They called me afterwards and said never to do it again or they will stop so I said ‘fine then - stop. You wouldn’t treat them fairly so I did’ I think they honestly expected them to sit and watch and miss out on the box ???

Today they’ve said they want my dc dropped to them Xmas eve morning they’ll do the Xmas eve box / activities / film / hot choc with them . They have GrAndpaRents RigHts now dont you know 🤬🤬🤬🤬

AIBU if I just tell them to get lost. It’s really annoyed me

Isn’t it supposed to be Christmas? The spirit of it is supposed to be goodwill to all?
I think your parents sounds absolutely awful.
Sorry, OP.
Of course if it’s something like money out towards future education then that I could understand.
But it is only stocking fillers. And there lovely step kids of yours sound gorgeous.
I am not sure what the solution is, but how awful to be around meanness around children.

Honestly OP a huge well done 👏 you are a decent human being and the sc lives are better for having you in them. Stick to your guns. Don't let them create a rift where there isn't one between the kids.

Imagine being so stone hearted that you begrudge your son in laws DC a bit of chocolate and a few quid at Christmas though

No she wasn't she did exactly the correct thing. The grandparents are the out of order ones. Who the fuck does that?!?

I love my MIL and PIL for not treating my DS (my DHs SS any differently to any of their other grandchildren. I am sure they feel differently but they don't show it and I think they are amazing for it. To actively go out of your way to treat them so obviously differently is horrible.

So what do you think should happen? Should OP be reported to the police?

Maybe she should repay any money that was spent on her step children and then cut off her parents completely. They are objectively terrible people. If all they (and you) care about is the 'theft' of the money, that is easily resolved.

If it’s activities to do on Xmas eve why shouldn’t that include the whole family? What are SC supposed to do - sit upstairs alone whilst you, DH and DC have fun together? That’s awful if that’s what you mum expects. Has she actually sat and thought about that and how that might make two children feel and how damaging that is? how would she like to be excluded like that in her own home?

yes they aren’t her grandchildren but they are her grandchildren’s siblings and important parts of their family, so why doesn’t she want them to have a happy family where everyone feels loved and respected? She doesn’t even have to spend anymore if she just buys generic activities / games/ treats which can be shared.

Wow they are awful people!

My nephews siblings who aren't related by blood to me, get bday and xmas presents every year. I wouldn't dare leave a child out. How bloody nasty.

What a wonderful Mum and stepmum you are. You rock OP!

How refreshing to hear from a lovely stepmum ❤️

@Gottoshare how long have you been a family of 4 and how often are they with you?

I'm so sorry my DILs grandma was horrid to her and worshipped her younger brother. They stayed at weekends and it was so different. My DIL found out why when she was an adult that her daddy wasn't her daddy but her stepdad. Hence the different treatment.

Call it out because children do see and are hurt by this different treatment.

This brought a wee tear to my eye

It sounds like the OP has raised it with them before?

I have just re-read my original comment and I meant to write 'I would not dream of treating my SGC ANY different to my own GC' ...........my original comment just didn't look right - sorry!
And for what it's worth I think the OP is an amazing human being

But just because you chose a blended family, don't dump that on everyone else! A token gift is ok, but they don't have to be equal because of what you choose to do.

As another who grew up as the cuckoo in the nest, I too want to say thank you for your kindness x

Kids are kids. I don't blame you for making up the Xmas eve box for 4 kids. Crikey any child who was in my house on Xmas eve would get same treatment as my dc. Kids are kids

I’d be telling the grandparents where to go.
that is horrible behaviour, treating children so differently, I had a relative who had a child from a previous relationship and a child with husband. His parents turned up every Friday with sweets, toys, clothes for younger child— not even a lollipop for the oldest. It was so cruel.
I have a step grandchild and grandchildren. You either buy for all alike or none at all.

OP another way to look at it - your children will have a lifelong relationship with their siblings. That far, far outweighs grandparents who will be gone in a few years and who aren't particularly nice people anyway.
I think what you did, making sure there was no divide and resentment, is priceless.

The thing is op, you can't expect this because that was your choice to make. A relative of mine expected this when she blended with a man who had 5 kids! There is no way that anyone else put themselves out to buy for 5 more additional kids.
You really can't expect this of people.

But just because you chose a blended family, don't dump that on everyone else! A token gift is ok, but they don't have to be equal because of what you choose to do

It's OPs home and family and she gets to decide they are equal. She can't change the big things like inheritence but she sure as hell can (and did) keep any spite out of Christmas.

Congratulations OP on having turned out so much kinder and more generous than your parents. I agree, them not wanting to treat SC is a bit shit but understandable; them insisting that the difference be made obvious to the SC after they expressed gratitude is dire.

It's tricky - do you think your SC clocked that your mum's face went sour at the mention of the box? It seems unlikely that you'll be able to fully hide what has happened. Someone will ask why the boxes are not forthcoming this year as before, especially after they got such praise from SC.

Tbh I'd consider all sorts of elaborate white lies rather than having to tell any of the kids what your parents are up to. I'd most certainly not send my children over there; it's not on for your parents to try to, as you say, 'divide and conquer' like that.

But I'm struggling to think of a white lie that would work... here's hoping you find a solution.

Well, aren’t you a treat.

The parents set the boundaries here, and if they want it to be equal then that’s the end of it. If that means the GPs aren’t involved in Christmas anymore then so be it. They sound like mean spirited fun sponges anyway.

The thing that shines out your post is what a lovely, caring stepmum you are. 🥰

This. You’re doing it for all the right reasons but you’re essentially lying to your SC. You’re encouraging them to believe that they have a relationship that doesn’t exist. They didn’t have loving grandparents of their own and that’s sad but you’ve now created a myth of loving grandparents that is going to fall apart at some point. Now they’ll feel actively rejected and they’ll know you lied to them.